Sketchtasy

by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

  Two weeks go by, and then the next time we go upstairs the door to the third floor has been removed, which is kind of disappointing because I was looking forward to having my own front door but oh well. When we get to my new room I feel like I’m in an advertisement for cosmopolitan living—the windows are open and the musty smell is gone, the wood floors are shining. The new wallpaper is just like the wallpaper downstairs, but the mustard color I picked out. Huge burgundy velvet curtains matching the burgundy comforter. So many pillows. Two velvet chairs in the window alcove that somehow match the color of the wall exactly, with the most gorgeous oval coffee table in between them. The dresser has been moved over to the other wall, beneath a mirror with a frame of copper flowers that must have been made at the same time as the chandelier. I open the closet door, and there’s a little chair inside, a full-length mirror, clothes bars on both sides, filled with wooden hangers. I thought you’d like it, Nate is saying—I’d been meaning to freshen things up in here anyway.

  As soon as Nate leaves the room, I step into the closet and close the door. Even the lighting in here is amazing—oh my God there’s a tiny chandelier, like the ones in Nate’s bedroom. I sit down on the chair and realize it’s facing a little vanity—I’ve never had a vanity before, I open it up and stare in the mirror. And then I do another line.

  ETERNITY

  Joey says she wants this to be the best day of her life, which sounds like a lot of pressure but she says listen, I only turn twenty-one once. It better be fabulous.

  Of course we’re starting by doing a bunch of coke, Joey’s treat, and then we’re going to drive out to the Burlington Mall with Avery so we can check out the scene in men’s underwear at Filene’s. I still don’t believe Polly works there, but Joey called the store right after she heard the gossip from Elana so I guess we’ll see. The original plan was to do ecstasy first, but then Joey said ecstasy would have to wait until later, I’m not sure why but it’s her birthday so I’m not complaining.

  Speaking of Avery, ever since she apologized when Joey and I ran into her at Moka, it’s like we’re best friends or something. At first she just said I’m sorry, but I said sorry for what? She said I’m sorry for judging you. And I said judging me for what? And she said you know. And I said no, I don’t know. And she said I’m sorry for judging you for being an escort. Everyone has to make a living.

  Okay, and what made you realize that?

  I don’t know what I’m doing next semester—I’m failing out of school. Maybe I’ll be doing the same thing as you. Or Joey.

  Or Joey?

  You know, selling drugs.

  Oh, right—selling drugs.

  I know sometimes I act like a rich bitch, but my parents don’t really have any money. What about the Mercedes?

  My father runs an auto repair shop—he got it when someone couldn’t afford to pay. Don’t tell Joey this, but all my clothes—I’m a klepto.

  Well, don’t tell Joey this, but that bitch wears the same raincoat all year ’round.

  You mean the trench? It’s Burberry.

  Anyway, after the Burlington Coat Factory, our next destination is Bertucci’s—yes, Joey might be losing it, because she said she wanted to pick a restaurant where we both could eat. Then she asked if I wanted to look for Joanna after we find Polly. She said she wanted to do something for me. But what about Avery?

  Avery wants to do ecstasy. Well, that’s easy. We’ll do ecstasy at the palace—Nate’s out of town for the weekend. So here’s the plan: Filene’s in Burlington, Joanna in JP, Heavy-Handed Wendy at Bertucci’s, ecstasy at the palace, the Loft, the Jacuzzi, sunrise on the Esplanade. Yes, this certainly is Joey’s magical twenty-one, but is she ready for her first drink?

  By the time we get to Filene’s, we’re already flying off our asses. Maternity, eternity—’cause you’re ugly forever. Finally we get to men’s underwear. But where can I find a bedazzled zebra-print metallic thong? Joey says this place isn’t that sophisticated, but then Avery spots Polly over by the pajamas, and we step behind Calvin Klein.

  We had all these plans. Joey wanted to go up and ask if there was a sale on shit-stained panties. But now we’re all standing still like mannequins. Coked-out underwear mannequins.

  Finally Joey pulls my hand, and then I reach for Avery’s, and we head in Polly’s direction—so now we’re the Three Musketeers. Or Charlie’s Angels. Polly doesn’t see us until we get to the register, and even then it’s like we’re miles away.

  Joey says Paul, what are you doing here?

  Polly’s ears get all red, and I can’t tell if she’s angry or scared. The suit she’s wearing is like seven sizes too big. I’m so high I’m not even sure it’s her. She says you have to leave, or I’m calling security.

  Security for what, I say. I’m just looking for shit-stained panties.

  I can’t believe I just said that. It’s not even my line.

  Polly picks up the phone, and I say Ghostbusters, Ghost-busters on line two. Miami Vice, it’s the Golden Girls. And then I’m laughing my ass off, damn this coke is good but Joey is in a different world, yelling are we dead to you? Are we fucking dead to you? Her jaw is so tense you can see the veins on the side of her face, dark circles under her eyes in spite of all the Dermablend. I’ve never seen her get this dramatic about something that matters.

  Polly puts the phone down. She walks to the back of the store like she’s heading to the dressing room but switches directions and goes through a different door. There’s some big guy in an even bigger suit coming toward us saying can I help you gentlemen? And Avery says I’m sorry sir, but can you show us the way to men’s underwear?

  She’s brilliant under pressure. Thank you, sir, she’s saying, like she’s British royalty. And the guy smiles like he actually believes her.

  What should we do now? Yes, the bathroom for another bump, this is a nice bathroom, how do you tell the difference between granite and marble? Back outside into the largest parking lot on earth, and Avery starts pulling things out of her pockets. Polo ties, five or six of them. Oh, she really is a klepto—that’s cute. Which one do you want, birthday girl, she says, and Joey says I’ll take the one with the enema pattern.

  Back to normal, I guess. We smoke some pot in the car and then we’re on our way to JP and we get there way before Joanna’s meeting’s done so should we go to Five Seasons for a snack? I know you don’t like vegan food, but it’s right there. Look, Joey, it’s snowing—it’s snowing for your birthday. See, there’s a reason it’s been so cold lately. The first snow of the season, for your magical twenty-one. But Joey doesn’t like snow—how could anyone not like snow?

  Anyway, we get back outside after splitting a tempeh appetizer that’s so good it tastes like caramel, and the snow’s actually starting to stick so I’m jumping up and down, I’m jumping up and down for the snow. Joey, are you having fun on your birthday?

  Yes, I just love freezing to death.

  We get to the place where all the smokers are standing outside and this must be the right meeting, but I don’t see Joanna—let’s just keep walking. Joey stops to stare, I wonder why she’s so invested.

  That’s when I recognize Joanna’s coat—the army green parka we got at Dollar-A-Pound, or not Dollar-A-Pound but the store upstairs, what the hell is that store called? I recognize Joanna’s jacket because of the bleach stain on the back, and for a second I get excited, like maybe we can rescue her. But then she turns around, and Joanna, this is horrible—she’s wearing gold hoop earrings and a baseball cap. Red lipstick that matches the red in the cap. She’s right here, and she’s gone. I hope Joey doesn’t notice anything.

  Let’s go, I say, and we start walking again in the snow, yes the snow, just pay attention to the snow, oh how I love the snow. When we get to the car, I can do another bump.

  Except there’s someone coming toward us, smiling in that way that’s so fake it must hurt her face. Alex, she says, Alexander?

  Excuse me?

  Tina, she sa
ys, and she holds out her hand like I’m going to shake it. I didn’t expect her to be wearing makeup.

  I look over at the meeting, or what’s left of it—I don’t see Joanna anymore. Joey and Avery are already in the car with the motor running.

  I wanted to introduce myself, Tina says, because I know you’ve meant a lot to Joanna. I wanted to let you know that it’s not healthy for her to see you right now. It’s not good for her recovery.

  Joey’s out of the car now. Front or back seat, she says, as Tina holds out her hand again and I turn away.

  I told you she was using you, Joey says. She was using you, and now she’s using that bull dyke. Why don’t you get in the back seat?

  Joey passes back the vial, but now I’m too wired. All I can think about is Joanna’s art, I have to get rid of Joanna’s art.

  Can we stop by my place, I say.

  Whatever you want, Joey says. She’s never said that before.

  Are you okay, Avery asks. He’s never asked me that.

  We get to the palace, and Joey and Avery wait in the car. It’s still weird to walk right in like I live here. I mean I live here, and it’s weird. When I get to my room, I grab a bottle of Valium and the portfolio of Joanna’s art. All of it arranged so carefully, sheets of paper in between each piece so that nothing smudges. Then I look outside at the snow coming down on Comm. Ave., and it’s a movie just waiting to happen.

  That was fast, Joey says—we didn’t even have time to do another bump. What’s up with the portfolio?

  It’s Joanna’s art.

  Oh, this is getting good.

  Let’s go to the Fens.

  Even better.

  Do you think we can start a fire in the snow? If we get lighter fluid.

  Avery, can we stop for lighter fluid? And water. A couple gallons, so we can put out the fire.

  We get to the Fens, and I don’t know what I was thinking—the snow is coming down way too fast to start a fire. But I have a new idea: a ritual. Joanna always loved rituals.

  Joey hands me the vial, and I do two huge bumps, white on white. We get out of the car and slide down the hill—everything is glowing, this is our own sparkling world. You can see right through the reeds—there’s so much light, even though it’s dark.

  We walk to the clearing where usually you can look out at the water, but now it’s snow over ice. This is a ritual, I say. A coked-out ritual. Let’s just see if Medusa doesn’t turn to stone. Or freeze to death, Joey says.

  Medusa Oblongata. That’s the first one. I read the title, and look at all the layers of color and pain, then I hold it out in the falling snow to get it wet, crumple it into a ball, pack it densely with snow. Take the snowball art and throw it out onto the frozen water. Avery takes Medusa Fermata. Joey, Medusa Desiderata. And then I make Medusa Stigmata, Medusa Tomato Insalata, and Medusa Carne Asada into one big mess. I haven’t thrown snowballs since childhood. Medusa Yada Yada, Medusa Piñata, Medusa Regatta.

  I’m getting cold, Joey says. Really cold. Medusa Dada, Medusa Messiah. Medusa Matzo—and this is Medusa in reverse: when the ice melts, everything will be gone.

  Someone’s watching from the bridge so I wave. No one ever waves back. It’s harder to get up the hill than it was to get down, and when we finally reach the car I realize I’m thirsty, really thirsty, good thing we have all this water—Joey is warming his hands under the heater vents, I can’t believe she wasn’t wearing gloves. We smoke more pot, and when we get to Bertucci’s it feels so festive—something about the snow, and all this brick, and these windows. There’s a full band playing jazz standards, no Heavy-Handed Wendy in sight but these cocktails are still the answer. Whoever invented cocktails should get the lifetime achievement award.

  Spinach, Joey says, I know you like spinach. Artichokes, I say—Polly’s favorite. Avery says extra cheese—oops. Joey says broccoli, to fight cancer. I say sun-dried tomatoes—Joanna’s favorite. Joey says stop it with Joanna and Polly. And I say no, it’s a ritual. When we eat those sun-dried tomatoes, and those artichokes, it’ll all go right into our shit.

  Now the band is playing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and Joey starts singing along. Everyone looks over. We look back.

  After dinner, it’s a winter wonderland outside—there must be six inches of snow already. Good thing Avery’s Mercedes has four-wheel drive. We get to Ecstasy Unlimited, and Joey says it’s her treat, she’ll just go upstairs, Juniper and Sage are out of town.

  But it’s your birthday, Avery says, and I nod my head.

  Joey says don’t worry, I made $15,000 last month. So she gets out, and while we’re waiting Avery asks me if I think Joey’s lying.

  I don’t know. Fifteen thousand sounds a bit over the top. I only make two thousand. But I guess I do get free housing. And groceries. Not to mention that bottomless liquor cabinet.

  Avery wants to know if I like my sugar daddy—I don’t think I’ve ever called him that. She says is he attractive—are you kidding?

  We get to the palace, and it’s fun having guests here. I open the liquor cabinet and the girls look around while I go upstairs to take a shower. I’m kind of drunk, how did I get this drunk? It must be the Valium. After the shower, I go downstairs in my robe, and Joey says that’s what you’re wearing to the Loft? She and Avery are watching something on TV.

  Joey says Alexa, it’s better than Cats.

  And Avery says no, bitches, it is Cats.

  There’s Joey’s mirror on the table, covered in white powder. This is going to be a messy night. It already is a messy night, and we’ve barely started. I do a line and sit down to watch—blue light Jazzercise whisker fetish gymnastics playoffs.

  Joey says let’s do the ecstasy as soon as this is over, okay? Ecstasy for Cats, meow. I go upstairs to get dressed, can’t decide what to wear—the skirt that looks like a carpet, with the tulip tights? Okay, with the blue sheer shirt, silver phone cords wrapped around my arms and then the pipe-clamp bracelets. What should I do with my hair? Something different. Maybe I’ll spike up the back—yes, yes, a halo of yellow behind the purple and green—perfect. I go downstairs, and Joey says look, snatch attack.

  She’s just trying to annoy me, but I’m going to ignore her, because it’s her birthday.

  Avery’s wearing a shirt I haven’t seen before, some pink silk thing with puffy sleeves like a troubadour, and she says girl, we match.

  At least the TV’s off. Joey hands us our magic capsules, and we toast with Nate’s crystal glasses. To the birthday girl, for bringing so much ecstasy into our lives!

  And snatch, Avery says. I guess I shouldn’t leave the two of them alone.

  But it’s already 1:30, how did that happen? Two o’clock and we’re supposed to be on our way, we’re going to make it to the Loft on time for once. We open the door and wow, so much snow, and then there’s that wind. We go back inside, so I can get another scarf. Good thing Joey isn’t wearing heels. I’ll never wear heels again, she keeps saying.

  We manage to get a cab on Boylston, and when we get to the Loft we tell them it’s Joey’s birthday but they’re not impressed. Avery pays—she says it’s the least I can do for you two snatches. We shake off our coats at the bottom of the stairs before heading up to say hi to Michael Sheehan in the DJ booth, I think he says he likes my outfit.

  Oh, these lights, I never noticed these lights before. I look at Joey and her eyes are huge. The beat is pounding, a big drum-roll, and then wait, “She works up the block, she lives up the block.”

  It’s your song.

  It is my song.

  Avery’s actually a pretty good dancer—she stays in the same place but really shakes out her head and she knows how to turn at just the right time like we’re magnetic sensors and the song is going double-speed until it’s stuck on “Eternity, Eternity, Eternity, Eternity …”—oh my God it is eternity and everyone is shrieking because we all know what’s next except it doesn’t happen because Michael Fucking Sheehan goes right into the whistling song, o
h that bitch is cunt, I can’t believe I just said that but I’ll say it again, okay? Listen. “Just whistle just whistle just whistle,” I don’t think I’ve heard that whistle on so many levels before, like it’s a whole room full of whistles and then, wait, there it is, just when we’re least expecting it: “Because you’re ugly forever.”

  And just when I fling it to the floor I’m thinking how does Michael Fucking Sheehan make everything shake like a heavenly heart I mean heart attack because now there’s nowhere to move, where did all these people come from but I can’t take a break while the music is this good so I step to the side and shake it out with the lights all over my face while I ask everyone’s favorite twenty-one-year-old coke dealer what’s going on? Yes, she says, yes, Alexa, yes.

  Now I have to push to get back on the dance floor, and when I get to Avery she pulls me close, that look in her eyes into my eyes and I know it’s the drugs and it’s worth it, honey, anything is worth these drugs, I mean anything. Now the music is back to bitch queen madness and I’m trying to clear some space, all these sweaty shirtless muscle boys with their shiny chests and I can’t decide if it’s the grossest or the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, and Joey’s trying to part the crowd just as the drums really start to pound the floor I mean the floor was shaking before but now it’s all these feet and my head in the lights yes the lights oh the lights and Avery grabs me from behind to try and grind until I twirl right around her, into someone else’s arms, someone who says ooh girl and then the beats get so layered that the only thing I can do is jump in the air with my special kick, fling myself to the ground and around, good thing I didn’t hit anyone, and when I stand back up I know I did it right because there’s even some muscle queen shaking her finger like bitch better work, work and work and work, and then Joey is pulling me and Avery through the crowd and into the hallway where there’s a flood of people trying to get up the stairs, but where are we going, I didn’t realize there was a third floor. Wait, it’s slippery, watch out, and there’s Jon B. up top, sticking out her tongue, and, okay, yes, these are our stairs, take them.