Inferno

by Yolanda Olson

  “I’m sorry, my sweet boy,” I whisper, leaning down and kissing the top of his head. I pull my shirt off over my head and lay it across his stiffening body. It’s not much, but it’s the only comfort I can offer to him now.

  I think I can hear Pater calling out my name, but I continue my pilgrimage slowly toward the front door, walking out and around the house.

  While it would have been much easier to walk out the back door, I would have had to walk past Pater to get there, and I can’t stand the sight of him anymore. His bitter tongue has told enough lies that I would prefer to leave this fucking world without hearing any more false promises of how good a life is yet to come.

  I push my way through the brushes, the low hanging branches, acquiring more scrapes than I ever have in the oubliette, but I don’t care. Eloy is out here somewhere, and I have to say goodbye to him.

  When I make it into the clearing, I can see that his body is even more mangled than before and he’s toppled off the throne. I assume wild animals have gotten to him, though it won’t deter me from giving my youngest the same gentle kiss I gave to his brother. I loved them both equally, and I still do; even if they went to their deaths believing otherwise, I hope they knew in their hearts that my love for them never faltered.

  I pull his body toward the center of the clearing and turn him onto his back. Brushing his hair off his face, I lean down and kiss his forehead. Had I been strong enough to end him when commanded, his death would have been so much easier than it became.

  I’ll always owe Eloy a debt I cannot repay, but I’ll find a way to make it right in the next life. Maybe he’ll smile at me when he sees me; maybe it’ll be his turn to throw stones. Either way, I just hope to God he doesn’t hate me for all that’s happened to him.

  I wish I knew where Laura was. Pater hid her body so well that I’ll never be able to say goodbye to her. I can’t hate her for what’s happened to us; as much as I want to, I understand now. She didn’t have a choice in what happened, and she probably didn’t realize how evil Pater was until it was too late.

  Getting back to my feet, I look up through the trees and sigh.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I know you tried,” I whisper into the oblivion. “It ends with me; I promise.”

  I can hear Pater again. He’s outside. His footsteps are fast approaching, because he knows I’d come out here. I don’t answer him, instead taking in the last few peaceful moments I can with the one I’ve wronged the most.

  Lowering myself to the ground, I turn my body toward Eloy and wrap an arm around him, as I close my eyes and wait for a well-deserved death to be bestowed upon me.

  Pater

  Epilogue

  Three years later

  “What have I told you about going near the well?”

  I walk over and pick up my daughter, laughing as her light brown pigtails brush against my face. The sound of her laughter is what keeps me going; that, and knowing that she loves me as unconditionally as I love her. She doesn’t see a monster, she sees a father, and that’s how it should be.

  “You’re too curious for your own good,” I chide her kindly, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She smiles widely in return, and I can’t help but laugh, because I know that smile all too fucking well.

  Laughing, she pushes my face away. It’s the stubble against their smooth skin that always gets them. For the most part, anyway, because I have no intention of making this one my wife. I want to play the part of the dutiful father for a while. I want to make sure that she has a good upbringing, and that she never hears about her good-for-nothing brothers and grandmother.

  Nah, I’ll tell her all about what a good life those three had if she ever asks about them, which I don’t know why she would. I never had any pictures of any of them, so it would only be word of mouth, and there’s no one around to fill her head with lies against me.

  She would never believe it. She only knows me as a good daddy, because that’s what I am. I’m the best fucking father she’ll ever have, and I was to my other kids, too; they just chose to always see the bad side of shit.

  “Why do you keep coming out here, huh?” I ask her with a smile.

  I don’t want to think about the past anymore. It’s not gonna do anything but put me in a shitty mood, and she deserves better from me.

  “Wanna take a better look? Come on, hold on tightly to Daddy, and I’ll show you what’s down there.”

  I shift her in my arms and hold her close as I walk closer to the well and kick the door open with my foot. You can’t really see down too far, because that’s how I had it built. I don’t really like secrets, but some should be kept, and whatever she sees will be of her own choosing, not what’s presented.

  Children are so innocent at this age. It makes me miss simpler times when I was younger and didn’t have to care for anyone other than myself, but I can honestly say that I chose this life because it was the best fit for me.

  “Close your eyes,” I say to her quickly. She likes to play peek-a-boo, and I’ll turn her into a world class fucking champion if that’s what she wants. Playing this little game right now will also lessen the blow of what she might see.

  When the sun is at its peak like it is right now, you can almost see all the way down to the bottom.

  Almost.

  I don’t go down there, but before I decided I wanted to keep my baby safe from all the bullshit lies, I did manage to buy and throw some barrels of hay into the well. I figure it was a small act of kindness; a creature comfort for having to stay in a place like that.

  I’m not afraid of the oubliette, I’m just better than being reduced to having to stay there, is all.

  “Ready?” I say, poking her gently in the stomach.

  She lets out a giddy giggle as she peeks through her chubby little fingers and smiles at me, “Yeah!”

  “Oh! I can see you peeking!” I say to her playfully. She giggles again and covers her eyes completely. “Alright, baby girl. On three. Ready? One ... Two ... Two and a half ...” she giggles again, and I can’t help but laugh. Pulling her close, I give her a kiss on the side of her head before I finish my countdown, “Three! Open your eyes and look!”

  She quickly pulls her hands away and leans so far over that I have to adjust her again to keep her from falling.

  “Hi Mama!” she calls out.

  I can hear the hay shifting slightly, but there’s no response.

  “Hey! She’s talking to you!” I call down sharply. “Say hi!”

  The same sound of the rustling needles greets my ears and I sigh.

  “Mama’s tired right now, baby girl. She’ll be okay to talk to you tomorrow. Is that alright?”

  “Bye Mama!” she calls out again.

  I guess it is.

  I use my foot to close the lid again, then place her back down onto the grass. I cross my arms loosely over my chest, and laugh as she takes off running, squealing happily at the top of her lungs.

  I’ll never replace Jocelyn as my true wife. I can’t; that girl has meant more to me than any other wife before her, and she’s helped me a lot too, in the emotional sense. She showed me that I can be a better person, and when I still feel the need for physical contact, I toss the ladder down into the well so I can fuck her.

  It’s probably why she’s still alive, too. Being able to fuck her keeps my mind straight on being a father and not the evil bastard she thinks I am. Maybe one day I’ll let her out permanently, and we can raise this one together, but I doubt it.

  If she knew the little collection of wasted wives I kept in my special rooms that she’s so damn scared of, she’d know that being down in the hole is better than being above ground for her.

  I can’t help but shake my head and chuckle.

  A few years ago, when that couple came back to get their damn dog, she spilled every single fucking secret we had, so of course I had to kill them. I didn’t want to, but she forced my hand. The best part is that no one ever came looking for them. There were no missing persons
alerts in the newspapers or in the media.

  I found out later on that they were drifters. They never ended up renting the house next door; they just wanted someone to watch their dog while they found a new place to squat.

  Fucking losers.

  All of them.

  Laura. Vaughn. Eloy.

  But I guess it’s safe to say that a wasted fuck leads to waste of children, with the exception of my sweet Joce. God, just thinking about her down in the darkness, dirty, alone, scared, is enough to make me wanna throw the ladder down for a quick fuck, but I can’t today.

  I promised my baby girl I’d take her to the zoo, and since I’m damn determined to be a good fucking parent, that’s what we’re gonna do.