Beautiful Deep

by Jordyn White

  Her hold on me tightens. “You don’t know that you’re going to lose him. He’s in good hands.”

  “What if he doesn’t make it? We’re barely put back together from the first time.” I look up at her. “We can’t lose him too, Emma. We can’t.”

  She slides onto my lap, holding my cheeks, and making me look at her. Her presence surrounds me, grounding me. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. Take this one step at a time. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You just have to wait and see how he does.”

  She’s right. We just have to wait.

  But what if he doesn’t come through? What if my baby brother is dying?

  Sensing my despair, she holds my eyes and strokes my hair, somehow managing to soothe me even in a time like this. “You don’t have to deal with all the tomorrows right now. You don’t even know what they’re going to be. You just have to deal with this minute. And then the next. And then the next. Right?”

  “Yes,” I say quietly. Because I know she’s right. I also know I can’t live without this woman in my life.

  “You’re strong. Whatever comes, you’ll be able to handle it, and you’ll be able to help your family. Just remember, they’ll be there for you, too.”

  They’ll be here for me. Not she’ll be here for me. They.

  I cup my hand on her cheek and she softens slightly, though it seems she doesn’t want to. Am I losing her? What can I do to make this up to her? What can I do to help her know how special and precious she is to me?

  “Emma...”

  She shakes her head and says sadly, “Don’t.”

  “Will you be here for me?”

  “We’re not talking about this tonight.”

  Why not? Is it because she doesn’t want to break my heart while my brother is somewhere in this hospital fighting for his life? Does she plan on doing it later?

  Maybe she’s right. Because if that’s what she’s going to do, I don’t want to know.

  I slowly soften my hold on her, and she does the same. I release her and she lifts off my lap. I ache over the empty space she’s left behind, but I get to my feet and we exit the room in silence.

  She doesn’t offer me her hand. And I don’t reach for it.

  Chapter 50

  Emma

  My heart is just bleeding.

  Will I always be a fool where Rayce is concerned?

  But I wanted to comfort him like I saw him comforting everyone else. And yes, I wanted to believe him and forgive him and pretend like none of it had ever happened. But I feared I was just getting caught in that intoxicating web again, and knew I had to get out of the power of his presence.

  So that’s what I did.

  I was right about Aaron and Pierce. They still think he’s full of crap, but hate him even more now for stooping so low as to use his parents’ deaths to get himself out of trouble. They think he’s extra motivated to control the situation because the lawsuit means he has so much at stake.

  I just wonder what is wrong with me that I struggle so much to see what they seem to think is obvious.

  When I first found out about all those other employees, everything we’d experienced together was a confused, muddled mess in my mind. Every memory was colored with the black realization that it apparently wasn’t what I thought... he didn’t love me but was only manipulating me.

  The loss of those good memories was almost as sharp and painful as the loss of Rayce himself.

  But ever since I heard Rayce’s side of the story, I can’t put that dark veil over those memories even if I try. I relive them as I did the first time. Like they were magic.

  I say nothing of this to Pierce and Aaron—I’m already embarrassed by what they must think of me for screwing myself over like this twice, right in a row—but maybe they sense it.

  They keep telling me to stay strong and repeating the same words. Womanizer. Manipulator. Liar.

  But were his actions at the hospital the actions of a manipulator? Do Pierce and Aaron really have the full picture of him, given that I had been telling them almost nothing about our relationship and therefore know so little about all the things that made him wonderful?

  But maybe I really am being manipulated to feel like this. Because even the paper is confirming the one truth Rayce himself didn’t deny: there have been a string of employees he crossed the line with. I can see why Aaron and Pierce think I’m just another. And are they wrong?

  Something Rayce said keeps coming back to me: trust your own heart.

  But how can I trust my heart when in the past it’s been so terribly wrong?

  Chapter 51

  Rayce

  The next several days right every wrong but one.

  Lizzy and I finally talked, that night in the hospital after Emma went home in an Uber. As worn out as we both were, neither one of us were in a hurry to leave Connor, and she was ready for answers. So I gave them to her.

  It was a different conversation than the one with Emma. Lizzy listened, sympathized, and forgave. I guess that’s what blood does for you. But still, I couldn’t leave the conversation with her thinking I somehow wasn’t at fault for my own actions.

  “I remember what you were like back then,” she said. “It wasn’t you.”

  “It was. I have to own it. But it wasn’t the best version of me.”

  She sighed and put her head on my shoulder. “I know. But it doesn’t change things. You’re still our rock. You always have been.”

  I kissed the top of her head, wondering how I got so lucky to have a sister like her. “I’m sorry I let you down.”

  “Well. No one can be perfect, I guess. Even you.”

  “That’s for damned sure.”

  She sat up then, and gave me a probing look. “And what about this Emma? What happens with her?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, feeling as hopeless and fearful about her as I was about Connor at the time. “I may have fucked it up for good.”

  She looked thoughtful, but didn’t reply, and hasn’t brought it up since.

  Connor has come out of it, thank God, and been moved out of the ICU. He’s doing well enough that we’ve all been teasing him that he’s never allowed to do anything risky again (at least, I think Whitney and Lizzy are teasing) and he teases back that he’ll limit himself to skydiving and bungee jumping.

  That kid is never going to change, that’s for sure. But the first time we had a moment alone, I told him if he ever scares me like that again, I’ll knock him into the next world myself.

  He just smiled and said, “I love you, too, brother.”

  Then there’s the little matter of a lawsuit.

  Thanks to the thorough paper trail of Taylor’s poor work performance, our lawyer convinced hers to get her to drop all charges. That hasn’t stopped Rita Becker from squeezing everything she can out of the story anyway. A former friend of Taylor Norrell’s gave an exclusive interview for her column, which was three times as long as it usually is so she had plenty of space for every titillating detail.

  In the interview, the woman spends quite a bit of time describing Taylor’s unstable behavior (she once posted a Facebook Live drunken rant about hens and chicks that she deleted once she sobered up, but apparently there’s a link floating around on the internet somewhere). Rita delighted in speculating what character defects I might have, to be interested in such a person.

  But the silver lining was this. Taylor’s friend frequently got the blow by blow, as it were, of most of Taylor’s sexual exploits, including those with me. “They may have been doing it, but she certainly had no objections.”

  So the threat of this turning into a sexual harassment suit seems to be off the table, at least according to our lawyer who had a raw, off-the-record conversation with her lawyer. Apparently everyone involved thinks Taylor’s a little crazy.

  Another former employee has come forward to confirm that she’d slept with me, too, right on property. In fact, only ever on property. She also makes it clear the interaction w
as mutual, which is why she decided to contact Rita about it.

  But I don’t come off looking good: “A relationship? No. It wasn’t a relationship. All he cared about was sex. The only reason I didn’t cut things off sooner is because he was so good at it. But I learned something from the experience. It was exciting at first, but I need more from a guy than a good time. Even a guy like him. I don’t think he cared that I ended it. He just moved on to someone else.”

  While I’m grateful my name is being cleared as a sexual predator, damage has still been done. Worst of all, I fear all these articles are doing is reinforcing in Emma’s mind that she was just one more woman in a long line of women, and kept hidden away for all the wrong reasons.

  I should’ve just brought her into the light right away. Why the fuck did I care about my reputation more than her? Any awkwardness or questions we would’ve faced from the outside world would’ve been better than what’s happening now.

  Because her name made it into the column, too.

  Just as “unconfirmed” speculation, but still. I guess one doesn’t storm out of the boss’s office and quit like that without people putting two and two together.

  That damned Rita Becker has to be orgasming over this entire shit storm.

  Any time I’ve tried calling Emma, she doesn’t answer or return my calls. I texted her to let her know Connor would be okay, and she texted back: I’m glad to hear it.

  But she wouldn’t respond to my texts after that.

  What am I supposed to do if she won’t even talk to me? Even if she did, what more can I say that hasn’t already been said? Either she believes me or she doesn’t. And it’s clear she doesn’t. Or if she does, it’s not enough.

  And now I’m supposed to just go on with my life as if Emma hadn’t ever been in it?

  Corrine and I are at the hospital, visiting Connor. He’s sitting up now, and the tube’s been removed from his lungs. He definitely looks like he’s been tossed around and beaten up a bit, but he’s steadily improving and his spirits are good. The doctors expect a full recovery. He’ll even be out in plenty of time for Lizzy’s wedding, though he has several months of follow-ups and physical therapy to look forward to.

  We’re playing three-man gin and Corrine just laid down a winning hand, not surprisingly.

  “Have pity on me.” Connor says. “I let you win when you were in the hospital.”

  “You did not! I always won fair and square.”

  Connor and I exchange amused looks. Corrine is not exactly a gracious loser, though she’s been better since Mason came along to put her in her place.

  Lizzy comes into the room and plops her purse on the counter by the little sink. “Hey,” Connor says, surprised. “I thought your shift wasn’t until tonight.”

  We’ve coordinated visits so he has plenty of company, but he wasn’t supposed to know. Guess he figured it out.

  “They’re not shifts,” Lizzy says, bending down and kissing him on the cheek. “Can’t I come see my brother whenever I want?”

  “Are you staying?” Corrine asks as she and I both stand to take turns giving Lizzy hugs.

  “For a bit,” she answers, hugging both of us and then pulling up a seat. “I’ll still come back tonight. I found a cool article I’ll bring for you,” she says to Connor.

  “Nice.”

  “Actually,” she turns to me, crossing her long legs and giving me an expression I can’t read. “I was just over at the Fairstreet Apartments checking on the new landscaping.”

  When we had the Big Talk hashing out this whole employee affair thing, I told her that the reason I wanted her to buy and remodel those apartments was so Emma would have a decent place to live. The former owners were drowning in maintenance expenses and looking for a way out anyway.

  It cost a little more to push the deal through more quickly, not to mention rushing renovations on the third floor. Lizzy knows enough about business to know it wasn’t the smartest way to acquire a real estate investment, though she’ll make it back in the long run and turned down my offer to front the investment capital for it. At the time, I’d only told her I needed it as a favor and she did it, almost no questions asked.

  That’s the kind of trust she had in me.

  But now, she’s giving me a shrewd look. I have no idea why. All I can think about is Emma over there and torn to bits that I can’t have her. “Yeah? How’s it look?”

  “Just fine,” she says without interest. “Afterward, I stopped at a café just up the street for some coffee and guess who I saw working there?”

  My blood starts to pound in my throat. I know without her even saying. “Emma?”

  She nods.

  “Did you talk to her?”

  “Just for a minute. She asked about Connor. She wouldn’t talk about you.”

  No, of course not. Because she’s obviously over me. I sink lower in my chair. “Well, at least she has a job.”

  I wonder what they’re paying her. I wonder if she has health insurance. I wonder if she has enough money for a car yet. I still haven’t figured out how to get her into a car without her knowing I’m the one behind it. It kills me that I can’t do one damned thing to take care of her.

  Or talk to her. Or hold her. Or smell her sweet scent.

  I notice Connor staring at me with this dumbfounded expression.

  “What?” I almost growl.

  “I have never seen you like this.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like a love-sick puppy. Look at you. You’re a mess.”

  We’ve already talked about Emma. This should not be news to him.

  “You should’ve seen the way he looks at her,” Corrine tells him.

  “And the way she looks at him,” Lizzy adds.

  “And how he kissed the back of her hand.” Corrine puts her hand on her chest and makes that swoony sigh girls make.

  Connor sits up, wincing a little. “You kissed the back of her hand? In front of people or were you guys spying on him?” He directs this last part to Lizzy and Corrine.

  “No!” Corrine protests. “He did it in the waiting room with all of us right there.”

  Connor raises his brows.

  “I’ve never seen him like that either,” Lizzy says to Connor. “He has it bad.”

  “All right, that’s enough,” I say. “Is this supposed to be helping or are you just getting your revenge?”

  Connor gives a half grin. “Hey, we’re entitled to a little light-hearted revenge. Like, for a while, man. But, are you sure it’s over?”

  “Positive.”

  “Why don’t you go over there and talk to her?” Lizzy suggests.

  “No.”

  I’m not going to just show up at her work.

  “She’s there until six.”

  “Oh my god. No. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m not going to turn into the crazy ex who stalks her.”

  “Well, you don’t have to be a creepy ass about it,” Connor says. “But if the problem is that she’s doubting your sincerity, maybe there’s still a chance to help her believe you.”

  “What am I going to do? Go over there and beg her to take me back? I don’t think so. If I’m going to do anything... I don’t know. I would need a better plan.”

  “You don’t have to plan everything, you know,” Corrine says. “Why don’t you just go over there and figure it out? What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “She could stomp all over my heart again, only this time, in front of the whole world to see.”

  But this protest sounds hollow. That’s not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is I end up right back where I am now: without her.

  They’re all looking at me, but all I can think about is Emma. Am I really going to just let this go? Or is the woman of my dreams worth fighting for, no matter what?

  “Is that really the thing you care about?” Connor asks seriously.

  “No.” I get to my feet and head to the door. “Tha
t’s not what I care about at all.”

  Chapter 52

  Emma

  “Don’t forget to use the new tip log,” my new boss tells me, for the hundredth time. He’s a big, round man in a white, stained t-shirt, manning the grill and making a hobby of barking orders at us waitresses. He can whip up burgers and fries like nobody’s business, I’ll give him that. But he knows jack shit about managing people. Thank god this is only temporary money until the teaching job starts in January.

  “Yes, I remember,” I say, as respectfully as I can. I try to keep my you’re-an-asshole thoughts to myself.

  “Well, make sure Noelle remembers, too. I don’t need to spend an hour after closing fixing everyone else’s fuckups.”

  See? Classy.

  We can’t ever do anything right by this guy.

  “And stay in your zone.”

  “Okay, Mac,” I say, grabbing a plate of greasy chicken fried steak and heading for table three. Mac is also an unreasonable asshole about “zones.” This guy loves his zones. No matter if my zone is so full I can barely keep up and the next waitress is filling salt shakers for lack of something to do. No, no. He has a plan and we’re not allowed to go outside of our stupid zones.

  As usual, my zone has twice the customers hers does. It’s not so many that I can’t keep up, but Noelle is a good girl and sneaks over to help when Mac isn’t looking. But he’s in a mood tonight and keeps barking at her to stay in her place.

  Three and a half more months. I can suck it up and do this for three and a half more months.

  It makes me feel no better. But I have rent to pay, so there it is.

  And underneath all this aggravation? A lingering sadness with Rayce’s name all over it.

  Seeing his sister earlier did not help. I have to admit, she was so nice it took a lot of effort not to let her tear down my walls.

  Stay strong, Pierce keeps telling me. That advice no doubt extends to Rayce’s sister, too. I found out enough to know their brother is going to be okay, thank God, but I shut things down fast after that. She didn’t stick around, which was probably for the best.