To Be An Israeli: The Fourth Book in the All My Love, Detrick series

by Roberta Kagan

  “Maybe you do not understand what I am telling you. After that day…after the rape, I wasn’t the same anymore. I was a whore, a slut. I was trading sex with anyone who would give me money for drugs… I watched how easily men could be manipulated by their sick desires. Because I was nothing but a tramp, men never hid what they really were from me, the way that they did from other girls…decent girls. I saw them as the pigs that they were. And because of that, I decided that I would never fall in love.”

  She was crying so hard now that she began coughing. “I hated my body. I hated my mother for being busy with the organization she formed…too busy for me. I hated my father for not being there to protect me, for dying and leaving me vulnerable and alone. I hated men for the urges that made them hurt and use women. But most of all, I hated myself. I know that there is something inside of me that made that man do what he did to me.”

  “I understand how you feel. But it was nothing you did. It was him. He was a perverted man. No normal person would want to have sex with someone who did not want him. Only someone very sick could rape.”

  She looked away from him.

  “You have to believe me, Ima. It was nothing you did. It was all him. I promise you that it was all him. There was a missing piece in his head. You can’t blame yourself. You can’t allow this to destroy your precious life. You’re young. You have so much ahead of you…”

  “Ido…when I first met you… I hated you, too. But now, I don’t hate you. In fact, I don’t hate you at all. But the worst part of all of this is that I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me. I’m a whore.”

  “Shh, Ima. You’re not a whore. You’re a girl who was deeply hurt, and you lashed out in anger, mostly at yourself. I understand you.”

  Neither of them spoke for several minutes. The crickets chirped in the trees.

  “I think I love you, Ido.”

  “I know,” he said. “I’ve known for a while.”

  “You knew how I felt before I did?”

  “Maybe I knew, maybe it was wishful thinking,” he said.

  “You don’t love me, do you?” her voice was so soft he could hardly hear her.

  He sighed and looked away. “Ima, I have very strong feelings for you, very strong. In a week, you will be out of basic training, and you will be relocated to a base. I am proud of the strong, healthy woman that you have become. But I honor the IDF because every day, the Israeli Army puts its all into rehabilitating those who need it.

  “So out of respect, as long as I am your squad leader, it is inappropriate for us to have a relationship. I am your superior, and I must behave in the proper way. But I am going to ask for a transfer to the base where you are stationed. I do not want to be in charge of your squad. That way, it will be all right if we are dating. The reason I am asking for this transfer is because of you. I think I am in love with you, too.”

  She could not believe what she’d just heard. Was this real? Was it really possible? Ima felt like whirling around in circles the way that she did when she was a little girl pretending to be a ballerina. But instead, she was crying again. Did this wonderful, kind, gentle, strong, man really love her? She bit her knuckle just to be sure she was not dreaming. Then she fell into his arms, and he held her there for a long time, but he did not kiss her. He would not kiss her until he was no longer her superior officer.

  CHAPTER 91

  Bari no longer needed private training. When she turned eleven, she began attending the classes. By the time she was seventeen, she was studying at the studio with a class of teenagers. That was where she met Marilyn Goldstein, a quiet girl whom Bari found easy to befriend.

  During the week, the two girls attended classes at the karate studio after school. Then on weekends, they went shopping or out to lunch. Lucas was glad to see Bari had finally made a friend.

  Janice was too busy with her career to notice. She’d gotten a promotion, and she was now president of the art department. It took up a great deal of her time. However, even though she hardly knew her daughter, she was still controlling and overprotective of her. Lucas tried to talk Janice into allowing Bari to go to popular teenage nightclubs with Marilyn, but Janice would not give her permission.

  One afternoon, Marilyn was sick and didn’t show up for karate class. Afterward, Lucas asked Bari if she’d like to go and get a cup of tea at the diner down the street.

  “Sure, Dad.”

  They sat across from each other sipping the tea.

  “You know, I’m really proud of you,” Lucas said as he stirred honey into his tea.

  “You mean because I’m up to test for my brown belt next week?”

  “Yep, that’s quite an accomplishment.”

  “I know. I could never have done it without you.”

  Lucas smiled. “It was all you. I was only the instructor.”

  She shrugged and smiled at him. “And a great dad.”

  He laughed. “I try.”

  “Dad…can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure, Bari.”

  Bari looked away. “Dad, do you think I’ll ever meet someone? I mean, do you think I’ll ever have a boyfriend?”

  Bari had never been on a date. In fact, she’d never been to a school dance or had a boy call her on the phone.

  “Of course, you will,” Lucas said. He was concerned because he knew that Janice kept Bari under such a tight rein that it was hard for her to behave like the other teenagers.

  “Even Marilyn has been out on a date with a guy, but I never have.”

  Lucas nodded. He wasn’t sure what to say. It was time for Bari to start dating. Again, he was going to have to talk to Janice. He dreaded it. Janice could be so difficult sometimes.

  That night he talked to Janice. She was appalled at the idea.

  “Janice, she has to grow up sometime. She’s seventeen…”

  “I remember what boys were like when I was seventeen.”

  “If you don’t let her have some freedom, she is going to rebel. And then you won’t be able to reach her at all,” Lucas said.

  “Oh, Lucas, it’s just that she’s still my baby. You know?”

  “Yes, sweetheart, I understand. But do you know what a mama bird does when her babies are old enough to fly?”

  “No, Lucas, I don’t.” Janice’s voice was rocky with frustration.

  “The mama bird throws them out of the nest. She forces them to fly because she knows that, if they don’t fly now, they will never fly. And if they don’t ever fly, they will die.”

  “I get your point, Luke. I’ll try to let go a little.”

  “Thank you, love.” He kissed her.

  CHAPTER 92

  That same year, Lucas planted his feet firmly and with the strength of an oak tree, he held his wife and stepdaughter as they grieved when Janice’s father passed away.

  Ronald Lichtenstein died quietly in his sleep. When the phone rang in the wee hours of the morning, Lucas knew that something wasn’t right. Janice took the call. Lucas could see by the look on her face that something bad had happened. Janice told Lucas and Bari that her father had died. Then she became hysterical, and Bari Lynn followed suit. Lucas helped the two women to get themselves together, and then the three of them went to the Lichtenstein home. There Janice comforted her mother while Lucas took care of the funeral arrangements.

  After the funeral, Janice asked Lucas if he wanted to move the family into the Lichtenstein home. It was much bigger than theirs, and they could rent their home out to a young couple. The money they could charge for rent would easily be able to pay their mortgage. Janice said that it would mean a lot to her to know that her mother would not be alone. Lucas considered the situation. He would have preferred to stay in his own house.

  “Are you sure you want to move in with your mom?”

  “I don’t know if you can understand, Luke, but I caused her and my dad so much aggravation over the years. I feel so guilty for everything that I put them through. And now, she’s all alone, and we don
’t really have the room for her to move into our house. I mean, my parents’ house is so much bigger…”

  He nodded with understanding. Lucas had lived with Janice long enough to know how she felt just by looking into her eyes. Over the last year, she’d told him several times just how sorry she was for having run off to Israel when she was younger. She felt guilty for shaming her parents by her divorce and having to raise a child alone without a husband. She had said that she knew her parents had suffered the chatter of the neighbors who had quietly questioned whether Janice had ever truly been married or if Bari was born out of wedlock.

  It hadn’t mattered what the Lichtensteins told their friends, the community had always leaned toward the juiciest gossip, and that meant they had believed the worst. People never considered who could be hurt by their casual words.

  Since Bari was born, Lucas knew that his wife had gained more respect for her parents knowing how hard they’d tried to raise her. In truth, Lucas had never really had a problem with his mother-in-law. She could be opinionated, holding the views of her husband, but Lucas was so easygoing and so forgiving that it had never really bothered him. Now Frances Lichtenstein was a lonely woman with no one else to turn to but her daughter.

  “Okay, we can move in with your mom if it’s what you want…”

  “We’ll just rent the house out. That way, if you ever feel that you can’t take living with my mom anymore, we can move back in.”

  So Bari, Lucas, Janice, and Harry, their cat, moved in with Bari’s grandmother.

  Sometimes, if he allowed himself to think about it, Lucas still missed living in the back of the karate studio. Often late at night or on a Sunday afternoon when the studio was closed, he would go there alone to meditate, burn candles and incense, or read the I Ching. Mostly he just liked to take some time to clear his energy.

  CHAPTER 93

  Chicago 1984

  When Bari Lynn was eighteen, her best and only friend, Marilyn Goldstein, was going on a trip to Israel with the young adult group from her synagogue, Temple Beth Israel. Bari Lynn had not attended Temple since her grandfather died. But when Marilyn asked her to join her on the trip, Bari was excited. She wanted to go. This would be the first time she went anywhere without her parents or grandparents.

  Bari had grown up to be an attractive young woman, if not beautiful. She had thick, auburn hair that fell to her shoulders, strong cheekbones, deep brown eyes, and a warm olive complexion. Unlike her mother, she was tall, and because of the years she’d spent training with Lucas, she’d shed the excess weight of her youth and now had a lean, muscular build. Bari knew that her mother wouldn’t approve of her traveling halfway across the world with Marilyn and her Temple, so she knew that the best thing to do was to talk to Lucas. Lucas had a way of getting to her mother. He was the only one who could sway her.

  “Dad.” Bari found Lucas sitting outside on the porch sipping a cup of herbal tea and reading a book. “Can we talk?”

  “Sure, sit down.” Lucas smiled at Bari and indicated a chair. Bari sat down across from Lucas.

  “You want some tea?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “No thanks.”

  “What’s the matter?” Lucas laid the book down on the table and gave Bari Lynn his full attention. He seemed to have a sixth sense. Perhaps it was intuition, or maybe he was just very sensitive. But Lucas was immediately aware that something was going on with Bari.

  “I want to go on a trip with Marilyn. I don’t think Mom is going let me go. She’s so overprotective, and well, she’s ruining my life…”

  Lucas raised his eyebrows in thought.

  “It wouldn’t be just the two of us going on this trip. It’s a whole group of people in their late teens that will be going, and I was invited to join them.”

  Lucas knew how hard it was for Bari to make friends. Even though she’d come a long way from the chubby little child sitting on the sidelines, she was still a shy girl and not outgoing. So he was surprised that she even wanted to go on a trip with a youth group, but he thought it would be good for her.

  As much as he loved Janice, he knew that she could be overbearing when it came to Bari. Janice had a difficult time allowing Bari to grow up. Bari was fighting to overcome the insecurities that had been set in motion when she was just a child, but Janice constantly reinforced the fear. Lucas did what he could to foster Bari’s independence. He watched as she tried to break free, and he was afraid that if Janice didn’t loosen the reins on her daughter, she might rebel, and then she could get into trouble.

  So a trip with a youth group seemed like an ideal way for Bari to come out of her shell.

  “Where are they going?” Lucas asked.

  “To Israel. Didn’t Mom go to Israel at my age?”

  The words hit Lucas in the stomach. He knew that Janice wouldn’t want Bari anywhere near Israel after what had happened to her there. Worse yet, it drove Lucas crazy that Janice had lied to Bari and told her that her father was dead. He hated lies, and this one had always bothered him.

  “Israel?” Lucas sighed.

  “Yes, I’d like to see Israel. Marilyn and her parents are really active in the synagogue, and Marilyn is always talking about how her parents feel that having a Jewish homeland is important. Truthfully, Dad, I don’t know about all that. For me, it would just be great to spend a little time on a vacation with a friend…away from Mom.”

  “When is this trip taking place?”

  “In the beginning of February. They want to go in the winter because the summers in Israel are too hot.”

  “Well, I guess I’ll have to figure out a way to talk to your mother.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” Bari was glowing. “I knew you’d help me.”

  Lucas bit the inside of his cheek. Israel, he thought. Couldn’t it be Paris, or Texas, or anywhere but Israel?

  CHAPTER 94

  Janice, Lucas, and Bari met at the house later that night when Janice had finished work, and Lucas had finished classes.

  “I’m tired. Let’s order a pizza,” Janice said.

  “Okay with me, how about you Bari?” Lucas asked.

  “Sure.”

  They sat at the table and ate while Janice talked about one of the students who was giving a teacher in her department lots of problems. Janice was angry, and the more she rambled about the situation, the more livid she became.

  Lucas and Bari cast glances at each other.

  “Why don’t you just let go of all that for tonight. Let me get you a glass of wine,” Lucas said.

  “You’re right. I don’t know why I bring all of this home with me.”

  Lucas got up and poured a glass of merlot for Janice and one for himself. She took a sip.

  “That’s better,” she said.

  Lucas turned some soft rock on the radio. “Karma Chameleon” was playing.

  “I love this song,” Janice said.

  “Yeah, I like it too,” Lucas said.

  Janice emptied her glass, and Lucas refilled it.

  Lucas cleared his throat. “Jan, listen, we need to talk about something.”

  “Sure.” Janice put her slice of pizza down. She was much more relaxed.

  “Bari talked to me. She wants to go on a trip with a youth group. I think it’s a good idea.”

  “What youth group? Bari doesn’t belong to any group,” Janice said.

  “Marilyn does. And she invited Bari to join her.”

  Janice took a bite of pizza. “Sounds cool. Where are they going?”

  Lucas was surprised to get such a positive reaction, but he knew that the tough part was yet to come. He bit his lower lip. “Israel.”

  “What? Absolutely not.” Janice threw the slice of pizza back onto her paper plate. “There are a million places in this world that you could go. You’re not going there.”

  “But, Mom, you did…”

  “Exactly. And that’s why I forbid you to go there. Wars break out there all the time. There is always trouble there, and you
have no business going. Besides, it’s probably expensive.”

  “I’ll work. I’ll get a part-time job and pay for it myself.”

  “No. I said no!”

  “Why, Mom? Why do you have to be like this?”

  “Because I said no, and that’s the end of it.”

  Bari started crying. She pushed the chair out from the table and ran to her room.

  Lucas didn’t say a word. He just looked at Janice.

  “Not Israel, Lucas. I don’t want her going there. Not after what I went through in that country…”

  “Jan, you can’t hold on to her forever.”

  “There is just too much shit in the past for me to allow this. I just can’t.”

  Lucas nodded. He knew his wife. He had to let her digest the news and wait until later, after she’d settled down, to bring it up again.

  Bari stayed in her room, and Janice went into the bedroom she shared with Lucas. He left her alone and cleaned up from dinner. He’d wait an hour or so and bring her a soothing cup of lemon balm and chamomile tea.

  Lucas sat in the living room reading, but he couldn’t concentrate. He hated the television. He felt that it was a media that people used to escape from using their minds. Bari should be told the truth. It was not fair to lie to her, and he felt conflicted. He’d promised Janice to keep the secret, but he hated how the deception made him feel.

  Finally, he decided that he must break his promise and tell Bari about her father. Janice would be angry, he knew, but he could not go on lying to Bari. It wasn’t fair. After all, Bari had no idea why her mother was forbidding her from going on this trip, and he didn’t want to see Bari turn against them. He was well-acquainted with rebellion.

  He had been an angry teenager because of all the lies he’d been told as he was shuffled from one terrible home to another while in foster care. He’d questioned his caseworker, Miss Parkson, about his background. But she always told him tall tales, lies that she believed would make life easier for him to endure. It took years for him to find out the truth about his birth, and he’d never really learned everything, but he knew enough.