Boying Up

by Mayim Bialik

  Do Women Get as Mad?

  What about women? Can they be aggressive like men sometimes get? The short answer is yes. It is normal for both boys and girls and women and men to experience things that enrage them and make them want to be physical to communicate emotions. As boys reach puberty, they typically get a strong flow of the hormones responsible for regulating and monitoring angry and aggressive responses to stress or emotion. Girls don’t typically have as much of these hormones as boys do. There are exceptions on both sides, but for the most part, things that make boys and men mad generally make girls and women mad as well. Note to yourself: if a girl or woman looks really mad, don’t assume she can’t hold her own physically just because she’s a girl . . . the hormones that monitor strong and especially angry emotions are very powerful!

  When Anger Becomes Violence

  It is never okay for someone to hit you or hurt you because they are angry, even if they tell you it’s your fault and even if they are your parent or sibling or friend. If you feel scared in your home or in any relationship, you deserve to speak up and be protected. If you’re in any sort of abusive situation, or know someone who is, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Talk to a trusted adult, or use some of these resources:

  If you’re facing abuse at home, you can get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at TheHotline.org.

  And if you’re in a relationship that is abusive in any way, Loveisrespect offers empowering resources at loveisrespect.org.

  If you find that you’re the one lashing out physically when you get mad and you notice that people are scared of your anger, talk to a trusted adult or counselor who can help you learn about anger management.

  CHANNELING ANGER INTO PRODUCTIVE MOVEMENT

  One way to deal with stress in a healthy way is by doing something physical and productive, as opposed to bottling up angry feelings or using violence or aggression. The energy you expend through practicing, training and competing makes for a great release of stress and tension. Athletes sometimes talk about being “in the zone” when they are training, and you sometimes feel a “high” when your body really starts moving. For those of us with a tendency to be stressed out or angry or tense, being physical in sports is a healthy and safe way to burn off excess energy and emotions. Sometimes when I’m really stressed out, I will take a brisk walk or a jog, and I can literally feel the negative feelings leaving my body with every step I take. Being an athlete is not without its stresses, but physical activity is a great way to burn off energy, no matter how you do it.

  Using healthy ways to get the brain out of its initial stressful upset encourages it to send out calming signals to the body. Happy chemicals get woken up that may have been sleeping because of the stress. Once the brain starts to stimulate those chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine, it starts to chip away at all of the sad stuff floating around the brain and body. And the neat thing about these happy hormones is that the brain is kind of addicted to them: once it has a taste of feeling a little bit better, it can start building you up to help you feel better.

  DISTRACTION

  Sometimes people drink or use drugs or even zone out in front of the TV to avoid dealing with the emotions stressful situations can bring up. Overeating and obsessing about what you eat are also distractions some people use to avoid the feelings that come up in stressful times. These distractions work for the moment, but they don’t actually do anything to help us move past those hard feelings. Over time, alcohol and drugs can become a crutch and a danger to your health, and they contribute to making a lot of choices that ultimately can impact your life in damaging ways. Zoning out in front of the TV is sometimes okay as a break from stressing out, but distracting ourselves is not a long-term solution to understanding our feelings and doing productive things with them.

  When Someone’s Drinking or Drug Use Becomes a Problem

  Drugs and alcohol cause significant changes to the brain, even the first time you use them. These substances activate chemicals in your brain that make you feel certain things by hijacking your brain’s normal operations. When on drugs or when drinking, some people think they are super strong or super confident, or they develop a craving for feeling “zoned out.” Over time, the brain gets addicted to drugs and alcohol, which means that you start craving them even if you think you can do without them or would like to not need them. Addiction can make you disoriented and fixated on planning ways to get that drug or alcohol into your body. Addicts often make incredibly poor decisions, which can damage relationships, physical well-being and mental health. If you feel you can’t cope without drugs or alcohol, get help as soon as possible. Alcoholics Anonymous is a widely regarded resource for addiction: www.aa.org. If someone in your home or your life drinks or uses drugs in a way that makes you uncomfortable or scares you, you don’t have to handle it on your own. Talk to someone you can trust, or reach out to Alateen, an anonymous organization that was created to help people living with the effects of someone else’s drinking (or drug use). Their website is www.al-anon.alateen.org.

  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .

  “My worst and most life-changing experience with alcohol was in college. My brother came to visit me, and the first night he was there, we drank a lot. I got very sick from alcohol poisoning and spent the rest of the weekend very ill. To this day—25 years later—I can’t even smell whiskey without getting nauseous, and I can’t tolerate most alcohol at all. The decisions I made that night changed my life and my tolerance for alcohol forever.”

  Can Too Much Screen Time Be a Problem?

  While many boys—and men—like to spend time in front of the TV or computer screen (shout out to all my gaming pals!), it has become increasingly concerning to many people how many hours we all—and especially boys—spend in front of a screen. If you find yourself avoiding responsibilities, missing homework and social deadlines and spending time with your screen so you don’t have to deal with people, you may need help organizing your time and prioritizing your resources and energy. While the distractions of the world of fantasy and play are incredibly important for your development and enjoyment, they are not free of the addictive hormonal loop your brain knows so well when more time is spent with a screen than with school, social life and household responsibilities. If you think you may have a problem with the amount of time you spend watching TV or playing video games, or if someone you know is suggesting you might have a problem, learn more by talking to a trusted adult—the World Health Organization has just included “gaming disorder” in its most recent International Classification of Diseases.

  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .

  “Computer screens offer incredibly enticing stimulus; movies, video games, social media and more. I became increasingly addicted to video games after college and struggled with that addiction for 15 years. Video games sapped my ambition for real-life advancement by satisfying that ambition with virtual advancement. I lost a lot of time and a lot of opportunities. With every technological improvement, we are challenged to resist the desire to escape in this way, and it’s not easy.”

  WHEN FOOD BECOMES A PROBLEM

  Food is nourishing and critical for our health, and we discussed the science of nutrition as you Boy Up in Chapter One. A lot of people would not associate Boying Up with eating disorders, but as we discussed, boys and men can have eating disorders, and it is almost always because of unrealistic perceptions or expectations about their bodies. There is a lot of pressure in our culture for men and boys to have a certain body type. Being tall, having broad shoulders and a lot of muscle definition are considered ideals for many cultures, especially Western cultures. There are many boys who take the images they see in the media and compare themselves. Many men diet or work out obsessively, and some even get plastic surgery or take drugs like steroids to try to have their bodies look like the images of models and actors usually shown as attractive. Steroids are ve
ry harmful to growing bodies and can eventually affect your ability to function normally; they can even lower your sperm count, thus affecting your ability to become a dad someday. If you find yourself obsessing about a part of your body and going to great lengths to manage your diet because of the impact you fear it will have on your body, or if you spend excessive time away from family, friends and activities because you want to dedicate that time to exercising or grooming, you may want to talk to someone about the way you’re feeling about your body.

  SOLITUDE AND SILENCE

  Something that might happen when you are upset as a boy is liking to be alone and not wanting to talk to anyone. Since my sons were about 8 years old, they have sought out solitude when mad or frustrated. Many times, they make it very clear they don’t want to talk when they are upset. Sometimes they shout, “I DON’T WANT TO TALK, MAMA!”

  “MESSAGE RECEIVED!” I sometimes playfully shout back! And then I let them be.

  When they first started doing this, I was very concerned, because girls and women, for the most part, like to talk things out and be around people when they are upset. How am I supposed to make my boys feel better if they won’t let me talk to them and hug them?! I thought to myself.

  What I learned from friends of mine who have boys (and from the many male friends in my life whom I took this problem to) is that for many boys and men, solitude and silence help them regroup and calm down when they are feeling really agitated. Also, since many men are often not super comfortable crying or expressing their feelings in front of others, it makes sense to seek out a space to have their feelings without fear of judgment or being teased. Should boys and men be allowed to express their feelings and not be teased or judged? Absolutely. But since in many cultures that is not the norm, it’s okay for boys and men to seek out safe places where they can feel their feelings and cry if they need to.

  Alone time can actually be a very important part of learning to cope with stress, so it’s important to make the most of your time spent with yourself when you need emotional support. Here are some things to do alone to cope with stress—and these are not good for just boys; girls can use them too. And I would know because these are my most helpful stress tools when I’m alone!

  Shake things up. Any time you do something outside of your normal routine, your brain gets a wake-up call. It’s like you’re saying to a stressed-out brain, “Hey, there! Let’s try something different!” Even small changes to your routine can be a good place to start in working on stress. Go someplace you’ve never gone. Walk a different way to homeroom. Explore a park you’ve never been to. Talk to a kid in school you’ve never talked to. Try a different food for lunch. Rearranging the stuff in my room was something I used to love to do; I would change the trinkets and books I had on my shelves or switch up the posters on my walls just to do something different. Any change can be good change, even small changes!

  Shift your perspective. Positive thinking and “self-talk” might sound silly, but you’d be surprised by how much scientific evidence there is that it actually works to improve our mood and decrease the negative impacts of stress. Inspirational quotes can be found all over the internet, and when you find one that inspires you, copy it and post it on your mirror or inside of your locker. (Some of my favorites can be found at the end of this section.) Remind yourself if you’re feeling down that life gets better. You won’t always feel sad, even if you feel sad right now. Flood your brain cells with positivity; it works.

  Look to Nature. The wonders of the natural world have been celebrated for all of human history. The oceans, lakes and streams; mountains, hills and valleys; the clouds and the sky and all of the wonders of the natural world have inspired poets, painters, rabbis, priests, imams and monks for as long as humans have walked this earth. Nature has a way of making us feel very small (There are so many stars in the sky and planets out there, how can I even matter?!) and also very big (This universe is so huge, and I get to be a part of it—wow!). Try to bring even small doses of nature into your day. Look at a plant or a beetle that you normally might walk right by. Admire the way a tree arches up to the sky, seeking nourishment from the glorious giant hot ball of gas that is the sun. Follow a leaf as the wind carries it along a street. Take a second to appreciate that all of these things are not created by humans, but rather are the product of the glory of the scientific world and natural events of the universe. It should make you feel both humble and empowered, and it can have a super-positive effect on your overall mood and attitude.

  Move your body. Research has shown that walking even for 15 minutes around the block can really boost your mood if you make a habit of it. Sometimes boys—and even men—will say that walking isn’t “real” exercise, but they’re wrong. There are more ways to increase the circulation of blood and oxygen than boxing, wrestling or running a marathon. Moving your body around by walking a few times a week gets your heart pumping and elevates your happy hormone levels, and that’s what we all need!

  Make some art. Making art and learning about art are great ways to expand your mind and feed your creative brain, which can boost your mood tremendously. Painting, drawing or even working with clay can be very therapeutic. My younger son will draw out his feelings; everything from things going on with his and my relationship to events in worlds he creates in his mind. I like listening to music that speaks to how I’m feeling, especially when I’m down. I also like to play the piano, because it feels like my emotions get more manageable when I can play them out. My older son feels the same about his piano relationship. Sometimes I’ll write in a journal about my feelings, and I sometimes write poetry because I like the challenge of finding words that rhyme to match my mood. In middle school, poetry was a really safe place for me to share my feelings for Mischa, the boy I had a big crush on but who barely knew I existed. As a grown-up, I make collages out of pictures and cloth and fabric and anything I have around the house, because being creative is soothing, and making something out of nothing gives the brain a real boost.

  Learn to meditate. Meditation is something you can do on your own any time of day or night with little or no preparation needed. A basic sitting meditation practice starts like this: sit in a chair with a straight back. You want to be comfortable, and there shouldn’t be any strain on your back or neck. (You can also lie down to meditate, but the key is to not fall asleep, and when I lie down, I tend to want to go right to sleep!) Close your eyes gently and become aware of your breath. Breathe slowly and deeply and try to just focus on being aware of your breath. It’s totally normal to have other thoughts come into your head, like what’s for dinner or what homework you have to do or how cute so-and-so looked waiting for the bus today. Even with a lot of meditation experience, I still think about what’s for dinner and the dishes that have to be cleaned and also sometimes handsome men when I meditate; trust me, it’s hard not to think about other things! But there’s no need to feel bad about your mind wandering. Just let the thoughts pass on by without you beating yourself up over not being able to focus. The goal is to not have as many thoughts come and for them not to stay very long. Keep in mind that people practice their whole lives to perfect this, and monks in some religions literally spend their entire lives mastering meditation; it’s not easy! Just like you have to build up a muscle when you want to learn a new sport or lift weights, meditation takes practice and the use of the most powerful “muscle” in your body: your brain!

  Enjoy simple pleasures. There are simple things that make me happy when I’m feeling down or stressed out, like having a cup of tea or writing a letter or email to a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. Or riding my bike or taking a jog. If you promise not to laugh, I’ll share with you one of my silliest but most favorite simple pleasures . . . I have a folder in my desk of pictures I love of cute animals. It’s mostly monkey and cat pictures I’ve collected from magazines. I look at these pictures when I need a smile. I know
it’s silly, but it’s something that costs no money, doesn’t require a membership to a club and takes just a second. It really does work wonders for me to peek at a monkey wearing glasses and a top hat, and I know that my brain is thanking me for that shot of cuteness. Simple pleasures can go a long way. It’s important to find what those simple pleasures are for you.

  Dancing in Your Boy Body

  When you think about a dancer, you usually picture a woman, right? Or a man who might get teased for being such a huge fan of dance, right? Men have always participated in dance: from ancient ritual and Native American dances to ballet, jazz, and hip-hop. Have you ever heard of Fred Astaire? The Nicholas Brothers? Mikhail Baryshnikov? Savion Glover? The movie Billy Elliot?! These are some of the world’s most famous dancers, and they are worth checking out. These male dancers have amazing physiques, a fantastic lung capacity, and have found a wonderful creative outlet for aggression and emotion. Dancers are incredibly strong and tough. Try it for yourself—you’ll see!