It's Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake

by Claire Christian

  We’re told to get naked and wear a robe or sarong into the candlelit room. I’m relieved by the fact that the other women are a complete mix of different ages and sizes. We stand in a circle, which I’m grateful for, because no one needs to see me in three-legged downward-facing dog, except maybe my gynaecologist. Our instructor, a magnetic woman with powerful brows, speaks to us with a calm, sensual lisp. After listening to her for a moment I’m completely smitten, but it’s not so much that I want to sleep with her, it’s that I want to be her, or have whatever energy she naturally emanates rub off on me. She takes up space. She wears whatever she wants. She is the living embodiment of the pleasure quest. She tells us to close our eyes and breathe while we do some very simple stretches, and then she tells us to slowly, and only when we’re ready, take off our robes. We stand with our hands by our sides, and she asks us to cast our eyes around the circle.

  ‘No one is looking around this circle right now and thinking about any of the things you are insecure about. No one is glancing around this circle and thinking anything other than loving thoughts about your body. No one in this circle is thinking anything negative about your body, apart from you.’ She pauses. ‘Smile if you have had a beautiful thought about someone else’s body in this circle.’ We all smile. ‘See!’

  For the next hour I hang on every word she says. When she tells me to breathe, I do. When she tells me to soften, I do. When she tells me to surrender, I do. I let tears spring in the corners of my eyes. When she asks me to picture my body at its most joyous, I’m struck with an image of me ecstatic in a field of wildflowers, arms wide and high, open, bold, joy filling every cell in me to the brim.

  We stand back in our circle, acknowledge each other and clap, and then the most magical thing happens. We all drink tea and eat cake and chat—in the nude. No one gets dressed. No one hides. It feels as if I always eat carrot cake in the nude in a room full of other people, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I look over at Lil and mouth ‘thank you’, touching my heart and gesturing towards her. She places both hands on hers, like she’s receiving my thanks, and I laugh wholeheartedly, with my whole body, maybe for the first time ever.

  Beau and I sit facing each other on the couch, our limbs interwoven, reading. I watch him biting his lip as he concentrates, his hair plopped on top of his head in a bun, gold frames sitting perfectly on his nose. He’s shirtless, his muscles strong but relaxed. He’s fucking sublime. He strokes my leg up and down without even realising he’s doing it.

  ‘How many flings like this have you had?’ I ask.

  He puts his book on his chest. ‘Like this? None.’

  ‘Bullshit.’ I smile, trying to keep it light.

  ‘Are you asking me how many women I’ve slept with?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘No. I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter,’ I say, looking back at my book and pretending to read.

  ‘Damn it.’ He laughs and I look back up at him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I was hoping you’d say yes. I want to know how many men—’

  I cut him off. ‘People.’

  ‘People you’ve slept with,’ he says, folding the corner of his page over and closing the book.

  ‘Why?’ I ask, feeling insecure.

  ‘I dunno.’ He puts his book on the coffee table, looking at me. ‘Noni?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Do I not make you feel special?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I mean, do you feel like this is all moves? Like this isn’t just for you?’ He lifts my feet so they sit either side of his body.

  ‘You make me feel too special,’ I say.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  I breathe in and decide to speak the truth. ‘This can’t possibly be just for me.’

  ‘That’s awful.’ He rubs his hands up my shins. ‘Who hurt you?’

  ‘A few people. Have you ever had your heart broken?’ I ask.

  ‘Of course,’ he says. ‘Twice. Three times if you count Delilah MacGregor.’

  ‘Who is Delilah MacGregor?’

  ‘She was my first girlfriend. She broke up with me at a dance in front of all my friends because she told me my breath stank like grass.’

  ‘What a bitch,’ I say and he laughs. He continues tracing patterns with his fingertips. I like that he does this whenever he’s thinking, like his hands are programmed to draw.

  ‘What do you want, Noni?’ he asks eventually.

  ‘I want to believe this is all for me, and that I deserve it.’ I pause. ‘’Cause I do,’ I say, watching his hand. ‘What do you want?’ His patterns circle higher and higher up my thighs.

  ‘I want to watch you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I want to watch you make yourself…’ He looks at me and I know what he means instantly.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really.’

  He’s looking at me expectantly, eagerly, and I breathe deeply and slowly. I feel hot. I stand up in front of him. Staring at him, I untie the knot in my dressing gown, lightly thumbing the fabric so it falls open. I run my fingers up the lapel, lightly skimming my nipples, as I pull the gown off my shoulders and it falls to the ground. I bite my lip, looking at Beau, and run fingertips up my thighs.

  ‘Show me,’ he whispers.

  I move slowly, giving myself over to the pleasure. I watch him watching me. I close my eyes, my finger gently moving. I glance through my eyelashes watching him as he moves, placing his butt on the floor. He doesn’t take his eyes off me. I feel incredibly exposed, but so turned on. I slowly kneel to the ground, so I’m sitting on my haunches. I keep my eyes tightly closed.

  ‘Don’t hide,’ he says.

  I open them. He grins this sexy half smile and I stare at him, taking a deep breath, running one hand over my stomach up to my nipple, running my palm over it. Sighing slightly. I touch my face and bite my knuckle as the feeling begins to build and I get close. Beau bites his lip. I flip my head to one shoulder and move my hips forward into my hand, moving up and down as my breath gets quicker in my chest. I keep my eyes open and locked on Beau as my body shudders with joy. But I don’t stop. I keep going. Breathing heavy through my nose, hips rocking, building a second orgasm. And I feel like a powerhouse woman writhing around on the hardwood floor staring at the handsome man who I know is turned on. Turned on by me. I feel a kind of freedom, a kind of power, that I don’t think I’ve ever felt. I’ve never done this, like this, in front of someone else. This is what it’s like on my own. I moan. I can see his breath quicken. All for the wanting.

  ‘Oh fuck.’ Beau shakes his head. ‘You are—’ He stops and stares. ‘Fuck me,’ he says, and I smile and keep touching myself. ‘Please.’ I shake my head and cum again. ‘Fuck me, Noni,’ he says.

  So I do, and it is incredible.

  We lie on the floor wrapped up in each other.

  ‘Maybe I should go to naked yoga,’ Beau says.

  ‘You don’t need to go to naked yoga.’ I say as he poses, showing off his body, and I laugh loudly.

  ‘I want you to meet my kid,’ he says suddenly.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. It feels weird that you haven’t. We kinda share everything, and I’ve told him about you and I want you to hang out with us.’

  ‘Your time together is sacred, though,’ I say, knowing how much he misses Zeppelin and how much he loves spending time with him when he gets to see him.

  ‘The fact that you get that is just one of the reasons I want you to meet each other.’ He pauses and tucks my hair behind my ear. ‘Don’t for a second think this is some test or something, Noni. This is one hundred per cent bragging by default on my part because I think my kid is awesome, and I think you will think he’s awesome, and the next obvious step in this line of thinking is—’

  ‘Is that I will think you are awesome? I see. Well that plan is flawed because I can’t stand you,’ I say.

  ‘I tho
ught as much.’ He shuffles up so his body is hovering above me, his hair falling in my face. I have to push it back with my forearm to see him.

  ‘I can’t bear to be around you,’ I say. He kisses my neck. ‘You’re infuriating.’ He nuzzles in closer so his beard tickles me and I giggle, throwing my head back and grabbing his shoulders. Beau laughs loudly too and falls on his side so we’re facing each other.

  ‘I’d love to meet him, of course.’

  He kisses my forehead. ‘Good.’

  29

  Zeppelin, Beau and I are sitting in a booth in the middle of a giant games arcade.

  ‘So the most important question of them all, Noni,’ Zeppelin says, pointing a pinch full of fries at me.

  ‘Oh god, I don’t know if I’m ready.’ I bite into a cheeseburger.

  Zep looks at Beau, grinning conspiratorially. ‘I don’t know what you’re gonna ask,’ Beau says, laughing. Zep eats more fries out of a centrally placed red plastic basket like they’re about to disappear, wiping grease from his chin with his sleeve and smiling so wide his afro moves from side to side.

  ‘Okay.’ He pauses for effect, smirking. ‘How do you feel about Disney?’

  Beau laughs loudly. ‘Ohh! Good one!’ I look at him, hoping he’ll catch me up, but he just nods.

  ‘Specifically,’ Zeppelin adds, ‘musicals. Disney musicals.’

  I sip my milkshake. ‘I feel an immense amount of pressure right now.’

  ‘You should,’ Zeppelin says.

  ‘Like if I get this wrong I won’t be allowed to win Mario Kart again,’ I say. I won two rounds in a row earlier. It was a total fluke, but a victory all the same, and I have been proudly brandishing my triumph over them all afternoon.

  Zeppelin and Beau groan. ‘See that? See how she keeps bringing it up?’ Beau says, nudging Zeppelin with his shoulder.

  ‘That I beat you both? Twice?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah on easy rounds. Which we only did for you,’ Zeppelin says.

  ‘Try me.’

  ‘Answer the question.’

  ‘I think Disney musicals are…’ I pause for effect and they both watch me with the exact same beaming smile. Zeppelin clutches at Beau’s forearm in anticipation. ‘Fine. I think they’re fine,’ I say.

  ‘Explain more, please,’ Beau says.

  ‘I don’t lose my mind over a Disney musical,’ I say, wiping my face with my napkin and pushing my basket away. ‘I think it depends on your childhood connection to them. They were never embedded in my childhood. My mum watched romantic comedies and didn’t care about age limits and my dad watched action movies. So my sense of nostalgia is for Patrick Swayze and Sylvester Stallone over Timon and Pumbaa.’ They nod like detectives and I can’t read their faces. ‘So?’ I ask.

  They stare at each other and Zeppelin stands up on the booth seat using his milkshake as a microphone. ‘Yes! Yes! Yes! That is well safe, Noni.’ Beau pulls at his leg and he sits down with a bounce.

  ‘Well safe? What?’ Beau asks.

  ‘It means good, Dad, god.’ Zeppelin shakes his head, looking at me with a ‘can you believe this guy’ face and I crack up.

  ‘Yeah, god,’ I mimic him.

  ‘Disney women is a theory dad and I have,’ Zep says.

  ‘Disney women?’ I ask.

  ‘Dude, don’t expose our secrets. We don’t know if she’s worthy of this information,’ says Beau out of the corner of his mouth.

  Zeppelin nods and says quickly, ‘It’s patented.’

  ‘Okay, tell me more.’

  ‘Women who have an affinity for Disney are more, like, hard work. It’s a red flag.’

  ‘Fairytales over reality, hey mate?’ Beau says.

  ‘Shit politics,’ Zeppelin says seriously. ‘Disney kind of fucks with your idea about who you should be and how you should behave. Mum and Dad were weird about me watching them because there are no badass girls, and Walt Disney was hella racist.’ He’s looking at me so I nod. ‘Except Toy Story,’ he adds. ‘Toy Story is fucking awesome.’

  I’m blown away by how articulate and funny and confident Zep is, but I’m not that surprised, because Beau is all of these things too. ‘So what did you watch instead?’ I ask.

  ‘My favourite movie as a kid was Point Break.’

  ‘I love Point Break,’ I say.

  ‘It’s the best film ever,’ Beau adds.

  ‘Did you watch the new one?’ I ask.

  ‘No!’ they both say in unison, clearly repulsed by the suggestion.

  ‘Neither did I!’ I say with both my hands up in the air.

  We play three rounds of basketball, working hard for tickets. I’m better at it than I think I’ll be but against Beau and Zeppelin, who are ridiculously tall and have probably actually played basketball in real life before, I am pathetic. I bow out, and they compete in a best-of-three competition. Beau wins the first round and Zeppelin the second. In the decider they’re neck-and-neck matching basket for basket and giving each other shit. Zeppelin gets ahead and Beau pushes him with his arm, trying to throw him off his game.

  ‘Noni! Help me! He’s cheating,’ Zeppelin says.

  I leap at Beau and duck under his arm and sit with my butt against the machine, moving the balls away with my hands. Beau tries to get around me.

  Zeppelin cracks up and swishes in four balls, one after the other. The buzzer sounds and he wins.

  ‘Unfair!’ Beau says.

  ‘I just needed a rest,’ I say innocently.

  ‘You two—’ he points at us, faking rage ‘—such bullshit.’ Zeppelin and I high-five and Beau shakes his head. ‘I’m going to the bathroom to sulk,’ he says as he leaves.

  After a moment Zeppelin looks at me. ‘You’re a teacher, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You’d be a good teacher.’

  ‘Thank you. D’you like school?’

  ‘Bits.’

  ‘Same,’ I say as we walk away from the basketball machine.

  ‘Why did you want to be a teacher?’

  ‘Because I had a really awesome English teacher when I was in high school. I loved the way she made classes relevant, and she was nice. She encouraged me. My parents got divorced when I was young and they fucking hated each other.’ I look at him. ‘They still do. Things were really shit. And she was just an adult who made things less shit, you know?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he says.

  ‘I loved the idea of being that for someone else.’ I smile and he nods, thinking. ‘Do you know what you wanna do when you leave school? Or are you sick of people asking you that question?’

  He snickers. ‘So sick of it. I wanna do lots of things.’

  ‘Cool.’

  ‘You wanna know what things?’ he says and I realise he was expecting me to ask, but I always like to let kids take the lead.

  ‘Of course,’ I say.

  ‘Like, fashion is probably number one. But I want to run a cause, you know? Help people. Raise money for something. Run a business that isn’t just about profits but people too.’

  ‘I love that.’

  ‘This one.’ He points at a game that’s a small enclosed room with a giant angry zombie on the side. ‘Wanna?’ he asks and I nod.

  We slide onto a single bench seat in front of two crossbows and a giant screen. Zeppelin swipes our card and pushes buttons, getting it set up. He does mine for me.

  ‘We’re a team and we have to shoot all the zombies in the head. You’re green. To reload pull that thing back and then forward,’ he says, pointing at the plastic crossbow in front of me.

  ‘Okay,’ I say.

  It’s one of those point-of-view games where zombies lunge at us and we have to shoot them as quickly as we can. It’s loud and the seat shudders and the zombies are quick. I squeal a lot. And swear, which Zeppelin thinks is hilarious. I eventually work the game out and we get into a rhythm, switching sides, covering for each other. It is stressful. We are supposedly in a prison and we’ve done pretty well, getting out of one building
, across a packed yard, over a wall and in through a door to a dark ledge, where we’re suddenly surrounded by a swarm of growling zombies. Zeppelin dies.

  ‘I’m dead. Noni, look out,’ he points and instructs me what to do, but I quickly descend into squeaking, flailing and wildly shooting arrows hoping they’ll land. This plan doesn’t hold up and soon I’m eaten too. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty.

  ‘That was too stressful,’ I yell at Zeppelin.

  ‘Yeah that was full on.’

  There’s suddenly a loud bang on the side of the machine and we both jump and I scream. Beau appears, laughing.

  ‘Dad!’ Zeppelin yells.

  ‘You asshole,’ I say, whacking him hard. ‘We were just murdered by zombies, do you know how stressed we already are?’ I get out of the machine with Zeppelin right behind me. He jumps on Beau’s back, a hand around his neck. Beau heaves, trying to break free.

  ‘I couldn’t find you. And then I heard you screaming.’

  ‘That was wild, Dad.’

  We head towards the front of the arcade, handing all of our tickets to Zeppelin, who counts them and starts perusing a counter of shit plastic prizes and lollies.

  ‘He is brilliant,’ I say quietly, so Zeppelin can’t hear.

  ‘I know, right?’

  ‘His mum must be brilliant.’ I grin.

  Beau nods. ‘She is.’

  ‘You’re brilliant,’ I say, knocking into him playfully with my shoulder.

  ‘Noni, you are—’ Beau stops as Zeppelin walks over with three lollipops and hands one to each of us.

  ‘Is that all we got?’ Beau asks. ‘Bullshit.’

  Zeppelin reaches into his pocket and pulls out three pairs of ridiculous, brightly coloured sunglasses. He hands me a pair shaped like yellow stars and I put them on. Beau has purple love hearts and Zeppelin blue squares. We laugh at each other. Beau pulls out his phone and we take selfies. Zep puts his finger up Beau’s nose and his arm around my shoulder as we pull stupid faces.

  ‘I’m gonna head off,’ I say as we start the walk back out to the street.