It's Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake

by Claire Christian

  Paul looks absolutely stunned. ‘You’re bloody kidding,’ he says to Beau, who nods at him reassuringly.

  ‘Dad, did they get married?’ Zep asks.

  ‘Yeah, dude.’

  ‘So cool,’ Zep says. He gets teary and that makes me start again, but I look around and everyone is crying.

  I head to the bar with Beau and he kisses the side of my head.

  ‘This outfit is entirely too fucking sexy for the activities you had planned for today,’ I say, nodding at my cleavage, and he laughs.

  ‘No way.’

  ‘Yes way.’ I roll my eyes. ‘Your entire family?’

  ‘Surprise!’ He grins cheekily.

  ‘Yeah, you seem to be full of them today.’

  ‘I knew if I told you we’d have to have numerous conversations about it and you’d get all worked up, and I just wanted you to be here, Nons. It was really simple,’ he says, paying for the drinks. ‘Was it a bit of a dick move to give you no warning? Probably.’ He waits for my answer.

  ‘Yes,’ I say, meaning it, but also feeling fine.

  ‘Okay, yes. But I wanted you here. As yourself. Cleavage out. Pleasure-quest babe-face on, not giving two fucks. And you would’ve given so many fucks if I told you, yes?’ he asks. And he’s right.

  ‘Yes. Of course. Because it’s—’

  ‘It’s what?’

  ‘It’s a big deal,’ I say.

  ‘I care about you, and I care about them, and I wanted you to meet them. That’s all. This doesn’t change anything about the next week-and-a-bit of our lives,’ he says.

  And I wish he hadn’t said that, because I’m starting to think I want this to change everything. I want this all to mean something has changed for him, that he hates our plan, that he wants more, that he wants me to stay. But if he felt that way, he would say it. I know him well enough now to know that. He’s happy with this being a fling. He’s happy with our expiration date. And I have to be happy with it too. I should be chuffed that he cares enough about me to introduce me to his family. He cares about me and this thing, expiration date and all, enough to bring me to his sister’s wedding. And he’s entirely right, I would’ve overthought it all and we would’ve had to talk about it a lot, and I probably wouldn’t have come. I wouldn’t have listened to the fact that he wanted me here, because I would’ve been thinking too much about what it meant. The bigger picture. But there is no bigger picture. There’s just this picture. And this picture looks like hanging out with his family in a pub and celebrating his sister’s wedding. That’s it.

  Wine is drunk. Food is eaten. The merry is immense. I enjoy delightful conversations with everyone and I like them all. Beau’s nan was a teacher for fifty years, and we bond over teaching, Mills and Boon Red Label novels and adoration of her grandson.

  ‘He’s a good egg, love,’ she tells me.

  ‘He is,’ I agree.

  Zeppelin and I compete for top score on an old arcade game in the corner. He is positively overcome when I beat him three times in a row.

  ‘One more game, Noni.’

  ‘You will never beat me, I’m a child of the eighties, babe.’

  ‘Let me try,’ he wails, pulling on my arm as I walk away.

  Paul does an incredible toast about how he already feels like Meg is his daughter. He says that their marriage makes him so proud and happy and I tear up again, because my dad would never say things like that. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom to have a moment. Undoing a jumpsuit in a cubicle on your own when you are drunk and emotional is a test of both physical dexterity and mental strength. When I finally get it off I take a big, half-naked breath. Today has been positively lovely.

  When I step out of the stall, I am stunned by what I see. Who I see.

  ‘Of all the gin joints,’ Molly says, smiling. She is leaning on the basin, dressed in a floral-print shirt unbuttoned to just below her boobs. Her hair is slicked to the side.

  ‘What the fuck?’ I say, my heart suddenly pounding.

  ‘You look gorgeous.’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I walk to the basin and wash my hands. She doesn’t move. I can smell her perfume.

  ‘A coincidence.’ She smiles, pulling paper towel out of the dispenser and handing it to me.

  ‘But you don’t live here,’ I say, looking at her in the mirror, and she turns to look at me, the real me, not the reflection of me.

  ‘I guess the universe just needed us to see each other one more time.’

  I scoff loudly, facing her. ‘It did. And we did.’ She touches my hand. ‘And the universe decided we were done.’ I pull my hand away.

  ‘Are you with that guy?’ she asks.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is it serious?’

  ‘It’s none of your business.’

  ‘Look, Nons, I just wanted to—sorry, okay. I saw you’d tagged this place online, and I was in town. I needed to see you.’

  ‘Is your girlfriend here?’ I spit. How dare she come here.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Molly, what do you want?’

  ‘I hated the way we left things. I hate that I hurt you. And you wouldn’t answer any of my texts and calls and I—’

  ‘Can you blame me?’ I say, exasperated. ‘Oh god. Why now? Why tonight? No. We’ve been going around in circles forever. And it’s okay.’ My voice is louder than I want it to be. ‘We got our answer.’

  ‘But did we? How do we know it’s the right answer?’ she says. There’s no room in this bathroom. She’s too close.

  ‘I need to get back out there,’ I say, trying to move past her towards the door.

  ‘I’ve been freaking out since I saw you,’ she says, blocking my way. ‘Because I felt the same way as I’ve always felt and it scared the hell out of me. I’m not bold like you, I could never just pack up my shit and seek pleasure halfway around the world.’

  She makes a move as if to hold my hand, but I recoil.

  ‘You weren’t real, you didn’t feel real when we didn’t see each other, you were just a girl in my phone. But when I saw you, the thing between us felt very real. So I’ve been thinking maybe I can…maybe I can pack up my shit and follow my heart. Because I can’t stop thinking about you, and about what could be.’ She touches my arm and I don’t like any of this. I’m struggling to comprehend it all.

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘No. There is no could be. Our could be was months ago and—no. It’s done. Finished.’

  She doesn’t say anything, but she starts to tear up. And something in me softens. ‘I was really sure when I was coming on this trip that we would be together. And that night was everything I thought it would be until you—’ I stop.

  ‘It was fucked,’ she says.

  ‘Yes. But we got an answer.’

  ‘I’m sorry, oh god, I’m so sorry. I’ve just always been like, four steps behind you.’ She looks at me, her eyes pleading.

  ‘Our timing has always been really shit.’ I half laugh through my anger and confusion. ‘Like tonight. Your timing actually couldn’t be any worse.’

  ‘I’m sorry. But don’t you think we should—that we owe it to ourselves to just see what this is?’

  ‘I did. I don’t think so anymore.’

  ‘Because of man bun?’

  ‘Yeah. And because of me. Me, mostly.’

  ‘That breaks my heart,’ she says.

  ‘Yeah well, we’ve been doing that for years,’ I tell her. I’m tired. I want this conversation to be over. I push her hand off my arm. ‘I’ve got to go.’

  ‘Let’s say goodbye then,’ she says, standing up taller.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Let’s say goodbye properly and promise we won’t contact each other again, and agree it’s done. But let’s not leave it how we left it last time. I care about you, Noni, I really do. And I hate the idea that you’re just going to be out there in the world hating me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Just hug me, you idiot.’

  I pause, s
taring at her. I feel so different from the woman I was when I met up with Molly. I’ve worked hard to feel the way I do about myself now. But nostalgia is powerful, and I want to believe her. That this will be goodbye. The resolution that should’ve come much earlier than now. The closing of this chapter, officially, to make space for all of these new, amazing things.

  I put my arms around her loosely but she holds me tight, so I give over to it, to all the fantasies and could’ve-beens. We hug for a long time. I’m the first to let go and as I pull back she holds my face with both her hands.

  ‘Goodbye, Noni,’ she says.

  ‘Goodbye,’ I say. And she kisses me soft on the lips as the bathroom door opens and Ray looks at us, then heads straight back out the door again. Fuck.

  ‘Fuck!’ I yell. ‘Molly, you’ve got to go. Fuck.’ I open the door and call after Ray. ‘Wait. It’s not what it—she kissed me and—Beau knows—’

  She spins on her heel and whisper-shouts, ‘He knows that you’re kissing women in toilets?’ Molly walks past and Ray points at her as she heads back into the bar. She is furious.

  ‘No. No. He knows about her. Please, can I explain. It really wasn’t what it looked like. You only saw one tiny moment.’

  ‘It looked pretty fucking clear to me.’

  ‘She kissed me. I didn’t want her to kiss me. We have a long history and I tagged a photo and she showed up. She thinks there’s unfinished business between us. But it’s done.’ Ray looks completely repulsed by me and I start to panic. ‘I am so wildly in love with your brother,’ I say all at once, emotion springing quickly, because I’m unprepared for this level of honesty. Feelings I’ve been trying to push aside and hide rush out.

  Her expression softens slightly. ‘Does he know that?’

  ‘No. Yes. I don’t know. We haven’t said it. I don’t think we will, with me leaving in like a week. But I think he knows. I hope he knows. Do you think he knows?’ I’m nervous and rambling and sweating, I can feel it prickling my temples. ‘I just—please—’ I grab her wrists and hold on to her, I can’t let her leave, I need her to hear me, but I know I’m not making any sense. ‘The idea that you would use that thing that you just saw—’ I stop, correcting myself. ‘That entirely fucked thing that you just saw, to make some kind of judgement about me is—I feel sick.’ It’s not a lie. I do. I feel nauseous. I grip my own forehead. ‘And I don’t want to ruin today. This. I am so overjoyed to be here.’ My breath is quick. I’m speaking so fast I’ve puffed myself out.

  ‘Noni?’ she says but I don’t stop.

  ‘And I’m so confused about how that thing you saw even happened, because I didn’t want it to happen. I mean, I did when I first came to Europe. I wanted to know, you know? I wanted an answer, but I got an answer. Months ago. I haven’t spoken to her in months because, well, the way we left it was shit, but then I met your brother and I’m just like, kind of obsessed with him, really, if I’m honest.’ Tears spring to the corners of my eyes but I keep them balanced there.

  ‘Noni?’

  ‘And I will tell him. I will tell Beau everything about what just happened and what you saw, I will. I feel like we have that kind of relationship, you know? There are things I’ve told him that I’ve never really told anyone. And I think he will understand. He will be okay with what just happened. Because I feel like I can tell him anything.’

  ‘Except that you’re in love with him?’ She is smiling ever-so slightly.

  ‘Well, yeah. I’m going and that just feels—’

  ‘Noni. Can I be really honest with you?’ she asks.

  ‘Please,’ I say.

  ‘I think he’s a bit obsessed with you, too.’

  I sigh, relieved. ‘Really?’ And then the tear topples over the edge and down my cheek.

  ‘Yeah. I wish you could hear the way he talks about you when you’re not around. I always think that’s the real measure, you know? I think he’s pretty enamoured, Noni.’

  More tears. ‘I just don’t know what’s going to happen.’

  She smiles sweetly and rubs my arm.

  ‘What are you two doing?’ Beau is suddenly behind me. I quickly wipe my face.

  ‘We’re just talking about you,’ Ray says.

  ‘Oh, really?’ He puts his hands on my shoulders.

  ‘I’ll let you tell him all about it,’ she says, touching his hand and my shoulder with a gentle squeeze as she walks away.

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘Later. I’ll tell you later,’ I say, turning to look at him.

  ‘Have you been crying?’ he asks, touching my face.

  ‘All day.’

  ‘Who knew you were such a big sook. Want to dance?’ He grabs my hand and marches me onto the dance floor where he wraps his hands around my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck and happily breathe him in, trying to process everything that has just happened.

  ‘You okay?’ he asks, looking at me. I nod, because I’m worried if I talk I’ll cry and I don’t want to do that. Not now. Not here. ‘Good.’ Beau kisses me and I kiss him back because he is precisely who I want to be kissing.

  Fucking Molly. How dare she. I’m so angry. And confused.

  And in love. I am so in love with this human. He keeps kissing me.

  ‘Can you two not be gross, please?’ Zep nudges Beau and we both laugh. Beau lets me go and grabs him in a bear hug, which moves quickly into a proper dance hold and they laugh their way around the dance floor. I stand watching them, smiling and laughing and swaying to the music, willing the tears to fuck off because it feels like I fit here. But I have no idea if this version of my life is even possible. And there’s a pang, because I don’t think it is. I don’t think this is possible.

  34

  The realisation on the dance floor acts like a snap freeze, icing out my feelings and holding them in place, trying to stall everything so I can’t feel it anymore. Because if I can’t feel it anymore, it can’t hurt me.

  I’m acting cold. I know I am. And Beau knows it too. He’s trying every trick he has to melt the ice: inventing wild dance moves, cracking jokes, keeping his hands permanently attached to some part of my body at all times, kissing me against the wall of the elevator back at the hotel. But none of it works. It just makes me sad, and then angry that I’m sad. Angry at myself for ruining it.

  When we get inside our hotel room, Beau sits on the edge of the bed undoing his shoes. He looks up at me and sighs loudly. ‘So, Ray said she saw you kissing someone in the toilet. It was London girl, wasn’t it?’

  I swallow hard. ‘She told you? Of course. Of course she told you.’ I look at him, trying to read what he’s feeling. ‘I was going to tell you.’

  ‘I know,’ he says. I stay silent. ‘You gonna tell me what happened, then?’ he says, leaning back on his hands, watching me.

  ‘You’re being very calm,’ I say, groaning. Always so fucking calm. And together. And not at all messy or emotional. ‘I tagged a photo. She saw it and came there. She cornered me in the toilet. She had this monologue about missed opportunities and I told her no. So she said fine and we hugged goodbye. And she kissed me at the precise moment Ray walked in.’ I know I’m talking in robotically short sentences. But I can’t help it.

  ‘So, that’s it?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. Don’t be an asshole, Noni. ‘It’s entirely fucked. And I’ve probably ruined your perfect day, and Ray’s day, and I’m shit and really sorry.’

  ‘Noni.’ Beau sits forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. He looks disappointed, which just makes me feel even more awful and embarrassed.

  ‘I basically had a fucking panic attack when I was telling your sister. I was freaking out.’

  ‘Yeah, she said.’ He stops, waiting for me. Always waiting for me.

  ‘I just—fuck. Today was a lot. There was a lot. I’m feeling a lot. Forget it, okay? Can we forget it, please?’ I ask, pulling my earrings out of my ears and getting undressed. I feel trapped by fabric and feelings.

  ‘I
don’t know why you’re angry,’ he says.

  ‘I’m angry because you’re not listening,’ I say, and wish I hadn’t because it’s a lie.

  ‘I am listening, but you’re not communicating.’

  ‘Forget it.’ I shake my head and start thrusting my shit into my bag.

  ‘Noni, what are you doing?’ He stands up. I don’t reply, I just pack. ‘Don’t leave, let’s sort this out. Now. We can talk about this.’ He tries to run interference and touch me but I move around him.

  ‘I don’t want to talk.’

  ‘Fine. Don’t talk. Just don’t go.’ He is pissed off but calm, I’ve never seen anything like it. ‘Nothing is solved if you leave.’

  I scoff loudly. ‘That’s just it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I am leaving!’ I yell, frustrated.

  ‘That’s why you’re angry? Because you’re leaving?’

  I pause as the sting of vulnerability whacks my whole body. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So why didn’t you just say that?’ He smirks and it’s a look that derails my frustrated energy instantly.

  ‘Because I don’t like thinking about it. The idea of this being done. Of you being happy to see the back of me. It’s just awful, no, unpleasant, shit, no—’ I shake my head and throw a t-shirt on the ground in frustration. ‘Un-fucking-bearable.’ Beau smiles. ‘Don’t smile at me. This has always had an expiry date and ten thousand miles of space between it. It’s easy to persevere for the short term, but in the long term? You don’t want to do the long term, not with me, and that is abundantly clear.’

  He looks stunned and shakes his head. ‘You’ve just made this whole thing up,’ he says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘This whole narrative you’re spinning in your head to make yourself feel better, it’s made up. What do you want to know, Noni? Have I ever lied to you?’ I stare at the floor and he raises his voice slightly. ‘Have I?’