It's Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake

by Claire Christian

  ‘Love, are you sure you’re okay?’ the old man asks, helping me up, as I start to quickly hobble down the street.

  ‘Noni!’ Beau calls.

  ‘Love, do you know this man?’ the old man says, taking a step between me and Beau, who is close now. So close that I could touch him if I wanted to. ‘Is this man trying to hurt you?’

  ‘What? No! Noni—’ Beau says.

  I don’t look at him, I keep hobbling away. ‘It’s fine. It’s all good. I’m fine.’ Tears sting my eyes.

  ‘Stop. Stop.’ He’s standing in front of me, holding my shoulders, staring at me. ‘Are you hurt? Are you okay? What are you doing here?’ I lean into his chest and I sob, because I don’t know what else to do. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and folds me into his body.

  Eventually I pull back and look up at him. ‘I’m fine, really, I’m going to go, though, okay?’ I go to step around him, but he blocks me, shaking his head.

  ‘What the fuck, Noni?’

  ‘You’re with someone and that is good. You’re busy. And happy. You look happy and I don’t want to ruin—’

  Beau is confused. His mouth gapes, staring at me, trying to compute all of my crazy.

  ‘I locked myself out of my unit. I’m gonna find a locksmith and go now.’ I try to push past him again.

  ‘He loves you too, Noni.’ I spin on my heel and it’s Zeppelin, smiling, with the beautiful woman beside him. ‘He’s been fucking miserable without you.’

  ‘Zep.’ Beau shakes his head at him.

  ‘What? You have.’ Zeppelin pulls a face at Beau. ‘Mum, this is Noni, I told you she was awesome.’

  It’s his mum. Sabine. The beautiful woman is Sabine.

  ‘Hi, Noni,’ she says.

  ‘Hello. You’re really very attractive,’ I tell her. ‘That’s Sabine,’ I tell Beau.

  ‘Yeah.’ He looks confused.

  ‘Not your new girlfriend?’

  ‘No.’ Sabine shakes her head.

  ‘That’s why you ran?’ Beau asks. ‘I saw you just as you started sprinting away. What is Zep talking about?’

  ‘My plan. My grand plan. That has gone so wrong. I locked myself out of my unit and I don’t even have clothes on. I went to the shop.’ Beau looks at my outfit, and I open the jacket so he can read the shirt. ‘So then I got to your place and I told you—or rather Zep, who I thought was you—how I felt through the speaker so I didn’t chicken out, but then I saw you with her, and you were happy, and I didn’t want to ruin it—so I ran. I ran away.’ I watch his face trying to process it all. ‘I ran away when I left you and I just ran away again. And I’m sorry.’

  ‘Noni you were pretty clear about what you wanted. About what this was,’ Beau says, taking a step back from me.

  ‘I was wrong.’

  Beau stares at me and I stare at him, willing him to say something.

  ‘She said she wants to go all in with you,’ Zeppelin says, his voice sounding desperate.

  ‘Zeppelin,’ Sabine whispers.

  ‘Dad? Tell her.’

  ‘Did you say that?’ Beau looks at me.

  ‘Yes. I did. I do.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asks.

  ‘More sure than I’ve ever been about anything.’

  He smiles. ‘That’s pretty sure.’

  I nod, smiling back and he grabs my face in both hands and kisses me, and kisses me, and kisses me.

  ‘Noni?’ Zeppelin’s voice makes us stop and I turn and look at him. He takes a step towards me and says in a low, concerned voice, ‘Everyone can see your butt.’ I crack up laughing, and Beau shakes his head.

  ‘Let’s get you home.’ Beau holds my hands up, looking at their puffy, bloody state.

  ‘We’re gonna stay and get a coffee, aren’t we, Zep?’ Sabine says.

  ‘But Muuum,’ he says, but she lifts her eyebrows with expert motherly precision, and he nods. She smiles at me and I try to make my face express a million embarrassed apologies and thank yous all at once.

  I sit on the edge of the bath as Beau silently cleans my hands and my knees and I wince as it stings. I make sure I’m always touching some part of him as he works away at my wounds, both of us behaving like these tasks are the most important jobs we’ll ever have. He finishes his first-aid duties with a kiss to my now-bandaged knee. He’s kneeling on the floor in front of me and I put my hands on his shoulders as he looks up at me.

  ‘Are you really all in, Nons? Because I can’t be some item on a list anymore.’ He sits next to me on the edge of the bath. ‘This has to be legit, ’cause this is my life, this is my kid’s life.’ He stops, searching my face, and I nod. ‘Zep is moving here, full time, that’s what he wants. So, if you’re not sure, then I can’t do that to him. Have you leave. Or be unsure.’ I start to speak, but he takes my hand and cuts me off. ‘And I need to know now. So, it’s okay if you’re not sure.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t sure.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘I should never have left.’

  ‘Why did you?’

  ‘I was scared.’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Of everything. Of what people would think if I just packed up my whole life and moved to Scotland to be with a Viking.’

  Beau smiles.

  ‘I was scared of being happy,’ I say.

  ‘You deserve to be happy, Noni. It’s simple.’

  ‘It is and that scared me. I’m so used to everything being difficult, or hard work.’ I pause. ‘And I’m scared of you.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  I put my throbbing palm on his cheek. ‘Because you’re so sure of yourself. Of what you want. And who you are. And that’s like the sexiest thing about you.’ He softly takes my hand, so he’s holding both. ‘I’m not there yet, though. I’m working on it. But I’m not where you are.’

  ‘I’m sorry if I ever made you feel pressure to be where I’m at.’

  ‘No. No. You didn’t. I did that. I might only be beginning to work out the me stuff, but I do know what I want, and what I want is you.’ He kisses me slowly, sweetly. ‘I had this whole plan worked out, there was a dress and flowers and a speech.’

  ‘Let me hear your speech,’ he says and I laugh and hobble to stand up in front of him.

  ‘Okay.’ I gesture down my body. ‘Pretend this is a cute dress.’ ‘This is much better.’ He flicks the t-shirt up, pretending to be shocked by my naked body underneath.

  ‘And you have a bunch of flowers I’ve just given you.’ He nods. ‘I want you,’ I say. ‘I do. And I want to live here, and I want my life back, the one I made here that I didn’t think was permanent, because I didn’t know it was possible to actually be that happy. I thought it wasn’t real. This. All of it. But it’s the realest I’ve ever felt, and the most me, the most in love. I am so in love with you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I did that to you, that I left, that I pretended I didn’t want to keep the life we’d made. It’s because I didn’t think I deserved it. But I do.’

  He stands up and wraps his arms around my waist. ‘You do. We do.’

  ‘What do you want?’ I ask him with a smile.

  ‘You, Noni. All of you.’ He hugs me tight and I throw my arms around his neck and squeeze.

  ‘I have been so fucking miserable,’ he says.

  ‘Me too. I hated being home. None of it felt right. Other than Lindell’s family, nothing there brings me any joy at all.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here.’ He holds my face, staring at me. ‘And I can’t believe you traipsed all through the city wearing this.’

  ‘That part did not bring me any pleasure,’ I say.

  ‘So, what now?’

  ‘Well, first, I want you to kiss me.’

  ‘Oh, really? Well, I’d hate for you to not get what you want,’ he says. And he kisses me, and I kiss him.

  We kiss, and kiss, and kiss. The joy and relief in my body escape with a laugh. I pull back, holding his face in my hands, taking him in, hi
s beautiful smile beaming as he looks at me, squeezing me tight as if to check this is really happening. It is. This is real.

  ‘What do we do now, Nons?’

  I shrug and smile. ‘Whatever we want.’

  Acknowledgements

  Firstly, I’d like to acknowledge the significance of getting to live and work on Aboriginal land, over which sovereignty has never been ceded. The majority of this book was written in Meanjin, on the traditional land of the Yuggera and Turrbal people. I pay my deepest and most heartfelt respects to their Elders—past, present and emerging. This was and always will be Aboriginal land.

  My heart is so tremendously full for the encouragement, assistance, championing, hard work and love that has taken this book out of the Notes section in my phone and into real life.

  I am so immensely grateful to the following people:

  My dreamboat of an agent, Candice Thom, and my RGM team, thank you for backing me, giggling with me and telling me when my ideas are good (and bad).

  Thank you to the glorious Texters: Mandy Brett, Michael Heyward and everyone at Text Publishing—it’s a JOY to be part of the Text family. To my lovely editor—it really has been a pleasure, Sam Forge. Thank you.

  To Emily Ohanjanians and Mira—thank you for your unwavering belief in me and in Noni Blake.

  Rebecca Starford and Bri Lee—you backed this story in the very beginning, your encouragement helped me to keep writing.

  To Khadija Caffoor, Leah Napier, Jane Hultgren, Gabrielle Tozer, Jools Purchase—thank you for your help and/or encouragement. Much appreciated. Mega babes the lot of you.

  To my dear friend, Michelle Law—you, me, Paul and Beau—Double Date? Yes. Love you.

  Rose Thrupp—you’re a dead set fucking mega babe in every sense. So much love and gratitude.

  To my TRACTION babes, my Mama’s Boys, and my Con kids—dream big, dears. Telling stories is a joy, and a privilege, and how grateful I am that I get to do that with you all.

  To my friends, thank you for being big, glorious, brilliant nerds who make me giggle. I love you.

  To the women who contributed their ideas and thoughts about pleasure in the survey that inspired huge parts in this book, thank you.

  To the Claire and Pearl community—you big babes. Thanks for backing my shit.

  To Sanja Simic, Dave Burton, Heidi Irvine and Sam Holmes thank you for backing me, telling me I can, and should. I love you.

  Jacq Horvat, my brave, thank you for championing my pleasure always. I love you.

  Toby Madonna—I just think you’re kind of very…good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  To, Nan (You’ll like this one—it’s sexy), Grandad, Liam, Anne, Felix, Uncle Steve, and Aunty Theresa—I love you all. My glorious family. So grateful for your belief in me always. And, to Chris, Cathy and Carla—thank you for your love and support.

  Dad, you taught me to dream big and then work hard to get it…the best lessons of them all. I love you, moo.

  Mum, my love, my witch, my shadow. You have made, and make, everything possible for me. The woman I am is because of the woman you are.

  Steve and Midge—it’s a pleasure doing life with you. I love you. And I like you. A lot.

  And you, you glorious bloody book-reading human, my goodness, thank you. I really hope you find ways to centre pleasure in your life. As Beau would say…What do you want? Because you should totally do/eat/dye/buy/get/kiss/fuck/tattoo/ leave/say that thing. Yeah. You really should. If you think it’ll feel good—well, I’m happy to take the blame for that.

  All my love. And gratitude.

  Claire

  CLAIRE CHRISTIAN is a storyteller: a writer, theatre-maker and facilitator. She has had four plays published by Playlab, including Lysa and The Freeborn Dames, which debuted at La Boite in 2018. She has also had the great joy of directing Michelle Law’s smash-hit comedy Single Asian Female. Claire’s debut novel, Beautiful Mess, won the Text Prize in 2016. It’s Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake is her first novel for adults.

  @claireandpearl on Instagram

  @pearliestpearl on Twitter

  claireandpearl.com

  PRAISE FOR

  It’s Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake

  ‘A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about learning to fall in love with yourself, first and foremost. Noni Blake is the flirtatious, foul-mouthed, flawed heroine you’ve been searching for—think Bridget Jones meets Queer as Folk. Claire Christian writes with fierce kindness and protectiveness over her readers; there’s no way you’ll finish this story without feeling better about yourself.’

  MICHELLE LAW

  ‘For anyone who has woken up heart-bruised and hungover, wondering when the compass called “adulthood” is supposed to start pointing in the right direction, meet Noni Blake, your new superhero guide. This book is a joyous and hilarious romp around the world and back, sexy in all the right places and squirm-inducing in all the others. Christian is a must-read author for anyone who loves their rom-coms real and utterly bingeable.’

  BRI LEE

  textpublishing.com.au

  The Text Publishing Company

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  The Text Publishing Company (UK) Ltd

  130 Wood Street, London EC2V 6DL, United Kingdom

  Copyright © Claire Christian, 2020

  The moral right of Claire Christian to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

  Published by The Text Publishing Company, 2020

  Book design by Imogen Stubbs

  Cover illustration by Black Lamb Studio

  Typeset by J&M Typesetting

  ISBN: 9781922330215 (paperback)

  ISBN: 9781925923650 (ebook)

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia.