by K E Osborn
Friends!
That’s all we are, and all we will ever be.
I pull up at home and park my car on the street. I get out into the crisp mid-evening air and stretch letting out all the built-up tension in my muscles from my thoughts on the drive home. I close my door and walk up to my house, getting out my keys from my bag. I’m exhausted and I can’t wait to get into the shower and then straight into bed. I put the key in the lock and open the door just as a green van pulls up out the front of my house. I furrow my brows wondering if I’m about to be abducted when a driver steps out and walks to the back of his van. He’s wearing a uniform so it relaxes me a little, let’s face it this neighbourhood is not exactly comforting. Then my anxiety increases when he pulls out a massive bunch of roses. My eyes open so wide, I feel like they’re falling out of my head. He walks up to me and I shake my head slightly looking at how huge this bouquet of flowers really is.
“Hi, I have a delivery for, Indica Malone,” he states.
I nod, not able to form anything intelligent to say, so he hands me the bunch, smiles and goes to walk off.
“How many are there?” I call out finally able to speak.
“There’s one hundred, long-stemmed red roses,” he replies and then smiles again walking back to his van. I look down at the flowers and swallow hard raising an eyebrow.
One hundred roses?
That’s a lot!
I stand on my front doorstep staring at this massive mass of flowers that’s so big, it’s actually hard and heavy to hold. My heart is racing hard and I feel a little nauseous. This is definitely not ‘friend’ territory. I walk inside and close the front door with my foot. I place the vase containing the absolutely stunning rose display onto the buffet. They are simply sensational. I’ve never been given such an amazing present in all my life. Caleb is spoiling me, and it’s because he thinks there’s chance of something more.
This is bad.
Really bad.
I notice the card tucked inside, so I pull it out and it has my name written neatly. I open the card and little confetti love hearts fall out. I sigh and slump my body feeling terrible.
I’ve led him on and this is all my fault!
I read the neatly written note on the card.
For your beauty is as flawless as the beauty of these roses.
Forgive me for being me, and say you’ll love me for who I want to be.
The man you will adore and call your own.
I have loved you forever, say you’ll be my forever?
Caleb xo
My chest tightens as tears well in my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself go. He wants more. More is something I cannot give. There’s no trust and even if I did, the love is too strong, it would be the beginning of the end for us both. I can’t do this. The tears flow over and fall down my cheeks.
I’m not sure why I’m crying?
Is it from sadness or anger?
From happiness or relief?
I’ve thought about Caleb every day since I left him and I always wanted to be his. But in my heart I know he’s a poet, that’s his job to write soulful and beautiful words to make women swoon. And that right there is the problem. Women! There’s too many that will be a temptation for him, and I can’t risk being hurt. I don’t do relationships, and this has ruined everything. I can’t do this. I can’t keep going with him thinking we can be something we simply can’t.
Do I love him? Yes…with all my heart.
But I can’t bring myself to let go of the pain. The pain has always been there, and right now it’s the only thing that’s making me see straight.
Caleb and I can’t work.
I pick up my mobile phone and type two simple words and send it to Caleb as I sob so hard I can hardly see the screen of my phone.
The sweat drips from my head as I calm down, I get so hot when I’m performing. The band was on fire tonight and as I jump down from the stage after the final song my heart is racing so fast from the adrenalin. I performed well this evening, even though in the back of my mind, the entire performance was for Indi. She would have gotten my flowers by now, but I’ve been on stage for the last two hours. I’m hopeful that she’s left me a message so I can call her back when I get into the green room.
Annie did well, and her and Aston were playing awesome tonight. Well, the whole band are just gelling well. Tonight was a good night. I feel a bit better than I did this morning though, the hangover stuck with me for most of the day. I had to change my sheets and took the longest shower in history this morning after Sasha left. I felt horrible and, to be honest, I’ve never felt as utterly filthy as I did when I woke up next to her. Not saying that there’s anything wrong with her, but it should’ve been Indi and hopefully she isn’t working tonight and I can go around to her house when I finish up here.
I’d like to finish what we started last night, and I’m hoping my note told her everything about how I’m feeling. I want her in every way. I need her to be mine. I just hope it doesn’t scare her off. I may have over-compensated in the note due to my guilt over Sasha. But Indi never has to know about that, and I swear she never will. That was a mistake of epic proportions, and it won’t be repeated any time soon, or ever for that matter. I just hope I get a message from Indi saying she is as in as I am.
I make my way down to the green room as I wipe my forehead with my arm to clean away the residual sweat from my performance. A crew member high-fives me as I walk past and I’m buzzing. My hangover all but cured by being on stage, and I’ve told Indi what I want.
Tonight is going to be great!
I walk inside and no one else has arrived yet. I’m sure the others are probably still chatting with their parents. It’s good, it gives me a chance to talk to Indi alone. I race over to my jacket and pull out my mobile to see a message. I smile and swipe the screen and open it. It’s from Indi and as I read it, my world starts to crumble and fall away all around me. My heart pounds ferociously and I feel sick.
Two. Simple. Words.
Indi: I can’t.
I swallow hard and shake my head wondering what she means by that. I look around the room as my heart jumps into my throat. I notice no one else is in here, so I dial her number quickly. It rings and rings and my heart pounds faster and faster while I think she’s not going to answer.
Maybe she knows about Sasha, but how could she?
Suddenly she picks up the call.
“Hey,” she says and my heart jumps into my throat again making it hard to speak.
“Hey, you got my flowers?” I ask hesitantly and there’s lingering silence on the line.
“You know I did.”
I swallow hard. “What can’t you do, Indi?” I ask deciding to get right to the point.
“What you asked for on the card.”
I start to breathe faster thinking I have fucked this up…again. “Why?”
“Because I can’t trust you,” she says and I freeze on the spot.
She knows!
“Why?” I ask wanting her to tell me what she thinks she knows.
“I’ve never been able to, Caleb. You can’t control yourself with women and you shouldn’t have to. You’re at a concert tonight and you should be celebrating not waiting for me. I am only standing in your way—”
“That’s bullshit! You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted, Indi. All the others mean nothing, they never have, and they can’t compare to you. Indi, I love you.”
I hear her sob and then she hangs up the phone.
“Indi?” I ask, but there’s nothing but silence.
She hung up on me!
I dial her number again it rings twice and then cuts out. I huff and dial again, but this time it goes straight to voicemail. Anger surges through me and it builds up making me hot all over until I can’t stand it. I throw my phone across the room and then lunge at the nearest wall and clench my fist as I punch the wall so hard it puts a hole straight through the plasterboard. I punch the wall again and a
gain grunting and letting out my frustration until Aston comes in. I stop punching and sag in exhaustion onto the nearest chair rubbing my now bruised and bleeding knuckles.
“So, do you feel better now you’ve taken it out on the wall?” he asks picking up my phone and walking over to me. I lean my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands as I try to calm my breathing. Indi has shut me out again and it hurts like a bitch. But really, I deserve it after the way I treated her last night. Even though, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about Sasha. I mean, how could she know?
“You okay?” Aston asks sitting down next to me.
He’s just a kid, he wouldn’t understand.
“I honestly don’t know, I feel like I’m losing my shit,” I murmur and Aston half laughs.
“Well, that’s obvious—”
“Give me a break, okay?” I interrupt and he hands me my phone and pats my back.
“Caleb, you’re like a brother to me and the rest of us. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you don’t need someone to talk to. Just know that when you’re ready I’m here, just like you are for me.”
“Thanks mate, but I need to sort this one out on my own,” I reply. He nods and looks toward the door where Annie and Ella are walking in still on a high from their performances.
“Anytime you need me, okay?” Aston says and I nod. He slaps my back and rushes over to Annie. I look up at the wall and stare at the holes where I punched right through, and I can’t help but think I brought this on myself. Now I have to deal with the outcome.
I’ve lost Indi.
She doesn’t want me and knowing her, I won’t be able to see her again. She tends to fly in these situations, so who knows if I’ll ever see her again.
This is bullshit.
I need to let off steam.
I need to get rid of this tension.
I need to call Sasha.
I pace my lounge room floor by the door waiting impatiently for Sasha to show up. She said she would come right over. Why is she taking so damned long? I run my hand through my hair as I continue to pace thinking the entire time of why Indi would be doing this to me.
Shutting me out yet again.
This is what she does. This is how she works.
We get so far and bam, she shuts down.
Every. Damn. Time!
I should have known this would happen. If I had any balls at all, I would get in my car and go over to her house, but I don’t want to make things worse. I want to give Indi the time she needs to work through whatever it is that’s going on in her mind, and I need to let off some steam before going to see her. That’s what Sasha is coming over for if she will ever bloody get here!
There’s a gentle knock on the door and I look up while racing to the door. Relief flooding my veins that I will finally get the assistance I need from Sasha. I open the door and she smirks, and then immediately frowns, as I stand back to let her come inside.
“You okay?” she asks and I nod while closing the door. She walks through and I make my way over to the lounge suite. “I’m glad you called again, I was hoping you would.” We sit down while she shrugs out of her jacket. Moving in to kiss me, I pull back and shake my head. She frowns and looks at me raising an eyebrow.
“Indi said that she doesn’t trust me,” I blurt out and she smirks again while running her hand up my bicep.
“Well, maybe Indi has got her head screwed on,” she answers and leans in kissing my cheek.
I ignore her and furrow my brows. “But the thing is, I love her, you know? I want to be with her. So why does she think that I would go after other women?” I ask and turn to face Sasha. She looks at me like I’ve grown horns because she has absolutely no idea what’s going on.
“Caleb, if you love Indi, then why did you call me last night and tonight? Can’t you see she’s right about not trusting you? Especially considering the first thing you do is call someone else?” She leans in rubbing her hand up my thigh, but I ignore her again and run my hand through my hair.
“But can’t she see that I only want her? Last night I was drunk and horny and Indi hurt me, so I lashed out in my drunken stupor. That’s all it was. I was wasted. I had no idea what I was doing, and I’ve regretted it all day and especially when I spoke to her. She apparently doesn’t know about you coming over last night, so what would make her think that she can’t trust me?” I ask again.
She continues to run her hand up my thigh and toward my cock. I finally register as she leans in trying to kiss me, so I flinch away and shake my head at her.
“Didn’t you just hear me?”
She sits back against the lounge suite and screws up her eyebrows like she’s confused. “You don’t want to fuck?”
I belly laugh making her frown. “No, of course not, Sasha.”
“You just want to talk, right?”
Rolling my eyes. “Yes, I thought that was obvious.”
She slumps her body and pulls her jacket back on.
“Okay, well, I guess I can be an ear for you seeing as how you seem all out of sorts right now,” she says and I nod and start from the beginning. I tell her how I met Indi. How she stood up for me that day in school. How we were best friends. About her parents’ deaths, and about how she lived with us. About our first time, and then how she left and the fact that I’ve been lost without her. That was until she came back into my life a few days ago and turned it upside down within a second of seeing her. How all my emotions are all still there for Indi. How much I love her, and need her, and want to make everything right with her. How last night was a monumental fuck up, and how I needed to vent after Indi hung up on me and then avoided my calls today. I don’t know how to fix this, and maybe Sasha being a woman can help me with something, anything, with some inside womanly info on how to fix this.
“Wow! Sounds like you really needed to vent,” she says.
Leaning back into the lounge suite, I’m feeling somewhat cathartic to have let it all out. “So do you see what I’m dealing with?”
“Look from what I can tell, Indi is scared. For some reason, she’s worried about you going to other women. And from what I can tell, because of me, that’s actually true. She obviously has seen this or heard it for herself, Caleb, so you just need to prove to her that you are capable of being a one woman man. If you love her like you say you do then would you actually call me up for sex after nearly having sex with her?” she asks and I furrow my brows.
“The question of whether I really love Indi or not is not a question at all. Of course, I love her. It’s just whether I can prove to her that I can be trustworthy. Which I know if she committed to me, I would be. But she won’t commit because she thinks we’ll both end up dead. She is so fucked up in the head,” I murmur more to myself than to Sasha.
“I think Indi probably knows that her way of thinking is definitely not normal. She needs to see a shrink that’s for sure. I know seeing your parents dying like that would be horrific, and that would damage you irreparably. But basing your life on your parents and what happened to them is not what she should be doing. But in saying that, Caleb, I also think you guys aren’t healthy for each other. There’s so much history between you, but one thing I can tell is that you love her, or at least you think you do—”
“No, I do love her, Sasha. With everything in me, I love her,” I admit and it is like a lightbulb goes off in my mind. I have to sort this out with her and make her see that we can do this.
Losing her is not an option.
“Then you have to fight, Caleb. As much as I’d like to keep you to myself because let’s be honest you’re wild in bed. But if you love Indi, and she loves you, you need to tell her, and you have to fight for her. You need to give it another go.” She stands up and I watch her as she walks over to the front door. I stand up as she opens the door and looks back at me.
“Look after yourself, Caleb. I won’t lie and say that I’m happy for you because I hate being used for sex and then used as a relationship c
ounselor. But…I hope you get what you’re looking for. If it doesn’t work out, call me…I’ll see you around.” I frown and nod as she walks out of my door and closes it behind her with a huff.
I do feel sorry that I used Sasha like that. She clearly wanted to come over for a repeat of last night and instead she was here for an hour listening to me moaning about another woman. I can see how that would annoy her, and I’ll have to make sure to send her a thank you text and perhaps some flowers. But right now I need to make things right with Indi. It’s late and it’s probably another bad idea, but I need to make Indi see that I’m in this and she needs to give us a try. She came back into my life for a reason and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her slip away from me, again.
I grab my jacket and keys and head for my car. On the way to Indi’s I practice all the things I’m going to say, but nothing seems right. I have no idea how I’m going to change her mind about me, but I am not leaving her house until she gives us another try or she calls the cops. Either way, this is getting sorted tonight.
I pull up at her house and walk up to her door. I run my hand through my hair trying to calm down my erratically beating heart. It’s thumping so hard it’s become difficult to breathe and the crisp night air is making me shiver, either that or I’m actually shaking like a pansy.
“Get a grip, Caleb,” I whisper to myself as I take a deep breath and exhale forcing all my nervous energy out. I bring my fist up and I knock on her door. My heart races faster while I wait for her to answer, but there’s nothing, no movement and no sound. I knock again wondering if she’s home but then I see a light turn on inside indicating she’s there.
