Until Harry

by L. A. Casey

  My uncle stared me down. “Are you sure? Because if you aren’t up for it, we can do something else?”

  I smiled at his concern. “I’ll be okay. I just get like this whenever he blows me off. I guess it’s just something I’ll have to get used to.”

  My uncle scratched his neck. “Or you could just, I don’t know, tell Kale you like him and—”

  “Are you out of your bloody mind?” I cut my uncle off with a dramatic screech. “Kale can’t ever know that I like him. It would be the end of my life!”

  “Darling,” my uncle said, his lip twitching.

  “No!” I stated, and wagged my finger at him. “You promise me right now that anything I ever tell you about Kale stays just between us. Just between us.”

  “Lane—”

  “Promise, Uncle Harry.”

  My uncle laughed so hard he had to rub tears from his eyes. “You’re exactly like your mother,” he cackled. “So demanding.”

  I folded my arms across my chest. “That doesn’t sound like a promise to me.”

  My uncle had a bright smile on his face as he shook his head at me and said, “I promise, I’ll keep all things Kale-related strictly between the two of us.”

  I eyed my uncle, then stuck out my right hand, with my pinkie finger erect. “Make the unbreakable vow,” I said, my eyes narrowed.

  My uncle laughed again. “I knew I’d regret buying you all those Harry Potter books.”

  Say what? I inwardly balked. That was possibly the best decision he had ever made; I loved those books.

  “Pinkie-swear,” I pressed. “It’s my version of the unbreakable vow.”

  My uncle gnawed on his lower lip for a moment, then lifted his hand and hooked his pinkie finger around mine. “I, Harry Larson, pinkie-swear to you, Lane Edwards, on my honour, to never share any chats or spats about Kale Hunt to Kale or to any other living, breathing human.”

  I overlooked his obvious amusement and focused on his words. “Good,” I said, nodding. “Now I don’t have to kill you.”

  My uncle’s lip quirked. “A girl protecting her heart from possible love – what could conceivably go wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I answered. “Absolutely nothing can go wrong; I’ve got it all figured out.”

  “Are you sure about that?” my uncle questioned, scepticism laced throughout his tone. “Keeping feelings like the ones you have all bottled up will only hurt in the long run.”

  I waved my uncle’s concerns off; I knew that telling Kale I liked him would be what would hurt because I was aware he didn’t like me back, not in that way. Based on that knowledge, I was certain my choice to keep him in the dark when it came to my feelings for him was the best decision. It was part of my love-Kale-from-a-distance plan.

  “Trust me,” I said to my uncle. “My plan is foolproof.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded, his lips curling at the corner. “It sounds that way.”

  I playfully shoved him. “I don’t want to talk about Kale anymore. I want to talk about the café Nanny just bought. Do you think she’d give me a summer job there?”

  My uncle raised his brows. “You’re thirteen.”

  “So?” I frowned. “I want to get out of the house, and working at Nanny’s new café would be perfect for that.”

  “Why do you want to get out of your house?” my uncle asked.

  “Because” – I dramatically sighed – “when Kale isn’t with Drew, he is with my brothers, and since he is my only real friend, I don’t have anything else to do when he isn’t around. I’m only allowed one new paperback book a week because Dad says they’re expensive, and I read quickly, so that only kills a few hours of my time. Mum and Dad never let me out on my own, and if by some miracle they do, Lochlan volunteers himself to keep an eye on me, as if I’m going to do bad stuff. It’s so annoying.”

  “Your parents and your brothers just worry about you. You know that poor girl from the countryside that was raped and murdered was your age. She lived forty minutes away, and they still haven’t caught the son of a bitch that did it. You can’t blame everyone for being protective of you.”

  No, I can’t, but being suffocated by everyone isn’t very protective either.

  “Yeah, I know,” I grumbled.

  “Why don’t you invite those girls you study with sometimes – Hannah and Sally is it?”

  I snorted. “Anna and Ally?”

  “Right.” My uncle snapped his fingers. “Those two, they seem nice.”

  I shrugged. “They can be, but we had a bit of a fight in school the other day, and we haven’t made up yet.”

  I didn’t know if we would make up either, because Anna had said some really mean things about my appearance. Ally didn’t stop her or defend me, so I took it that she agreed with Anna and what she thought of me. I tried not to let it bother me, but it was hard when Anna kept throwing the same horrible words around.

  Fat. Ugly. Nerd.

  They were simple words, only a few letters long, but they had an impact on me even if I didn’t want them to.

  “Friends fight – it happens – but have a little faith; you’ll make up.”

  I nodded for my uncle’s sake, adjusted my new glasses, and said, “Okay.”

  “Atta girl,” he said, smiling.

  I leaned back in the chair and glanced around my uncle’s kitchen, smiling too. “I love this house.”

  “You do?” my uncle asked, surprise obvious in his tone.

  I nodded. “It’s my favourite place. Didn’t I tell you that before?”

  He shook his head. “Why is it your favourite place?”

  “Because I have millions of cool memories of being here with you.” I smiled as I thought of a few. “Like that time we made a pillow fort out of the sofa cushions in the living room, or that time we flooded this room when we were filling water balloons to get my brothers out back.”

  My uncle snorted. “Your Aunt Teresa was so mad at me over that last one.”

  I smiled. “I know, but it was still a really great day.”

  “It was,” he agreed, smiling fondly as he was no doubt thinking of my Aunt Teresa.

  “I love my own house, obviously, but I don’t know, your house just feels right. Like, I feel super safe when I’m here, like nothing can touch me. Is that weird?”

  “No, not weird at all. Everyone should have a favourite place, and I’m glad this house is yours, darling.”

  I smiled. “Are you ready to go see The X-Men?”

  My uncle stood up and puffed out his chest. “Born ready.”

  I shook my head, laughing as we left my uncle’s house, cracking jokes and teasing one another. I knew I was blessed: I had an incredible family, and even though Kale annoyed me a lot, he was still the best friend I could have ever asked for. I knew I’d never be with him the way I wanted to be, but even if I couldn’t have that, I’d want us to be always as close as we were now.

  I hope things never change, my mind whispered as I ventured out with my uncle to make more memories.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Day one in York

  Kale’s baby died.

  “No,” I whispered, and stumbled back.

  “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, sweetheart,” my father said, looking at baby Kaden’s grave once more. I lifted my hands to my face and covered my mouth as I shook my head in dismay.

  This couldn’t be real.

  “Dad,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

  I moved my hands from my ears to my neck as I had difficulty swallowing the bile that threatened to rise up my throat. I dropped one hand to my abdomen as my stomach churned, and squeezed my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to cry.

  “I’m sorry, Lane.”

  I opened my eyes and looked up into my father’s.

  “Kale . . . his baby died?”

  My father’s expression was broken as he nodded. I wrapped my arms around myself and slowly rocked from side to side as heartache swirled within me. I couldn’t ima
gine what that must feel like for Kale, and for Drew. My father’s arm closed around my body as he drew me against him, hugging me tightly.

  I didn’t know how long we stayed that way, but when we broke apart, I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again.

  “I ca-can’t believe this,” I whispered, shaking my head in utter shock and dismay.

  My father scrubbed his face with one hand. “I know, sweetheart; it’s still hard for everyone to come to terms with.”

  I blinked dumbly. “How can you come to terms with something like that?”

  My father winced. “I worded that badly. I should have said it’s still hard for everyone to live with.”

  I didn’t think I would be able to live with something like that; I wouldn’t be strong enough to survive the loss of a child. I could barely survive the loss of Kale and my uncle, let alone something as soul-crippling as losing a youngster.

  “I was so focused on not focusing on him that I didn’t even notice how truly different he is now,” I said, looking off into the distance of the graveyard as I recalled Kale when I was briefly in his presence. “His eyes, they’re colder, darker . . . emptier. Now I know why.”

  Kale wasn’t Kale anymore, just like I was no longer the Lane he knew. We were both different people now, and that saddened me.

  “He hardly ever smiles or laughs now unless you’re mentioned,” my father commented.

  I looked up at my father with surprise. “Me?”

  “Yeah,” he said, his lip slightly twitching. “You.”

  I didn’t know how to respond, so I stayed quiet.

  “Your Uncle Harry always kept us informed on what you were up to, and when he told us about some of your conversations, it made Kale smile and laugh,” my father chuckled, thinking of those times. “The first few months after Kaden died, Kale’s mum used to beg me to have Harry over at the house when Kale was there, just so he could talk about you and smile.”

  Butterflies filled my stomach before they were replaced with dread.

  “That was a long time ago,” I whispered. “He must hate me now.”

  “Why would Kale hate you, darling?”

  I swallowed. “Because I wasn’t here for him when he needed me the most. I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me.”

  My father clucked his tongue. “Lane, you couldn’t have predicted what happened any better than the rest of us could.”

  That didn’t excuse my absence.

  “I should have been here for him,” I said, frowning. “If I wasn’t so stubborn and hadn’t told Uncle Harry not to tell me about what any of you were up to, maybe he could have—”

  “Kale didn’t want you to know.” My father cut me off mid-sentence.

  “Wh-What?” I stuttered.

  “When Kaden died, one of the first things Kale did was make Harry swear he wouldn’t tell you. He knew things were still very hard for you and didn’t want to add to it.”

  I felt like my throat was going to close up.

  “He felt like telling me his son died would add to what I was going through?” I asked, balling my hands into fists. “I would have gotten the first flight home to be here for him in any way he needed, even if it was just to attend the funeral or be in the church. I would have done anything.”

  “He knew that, Lane, but deep down, I think he couldn’t handle it if you were there. Everything was falling apart around him.”

  My heart hurt.

  “But maybe I could have helped him,” I whispered.

  My father’s hands gripped my forearms. “You listen to me,” he said firmly. “We were there for Kale constantly, but his mind was absent. It’s taken him this long to be able to live with Kaden being gone. You couldn’t have helped him; he was so far gone during the time of Kaden’s passing, no one could get through to him.”

  I could have reached him; I knew in my heart I could have.

  I blinked numbly. “Couldn’t Drew help him?”

  My father shook his head.

  “A few months before Kaden passed away, they split up and called off their engagement. The strain of Kaden’s illness put a wedge between them that they couldn’t overcome. They lived together for a few months after Kaden died, to help one another cope, but Kale eventually moved out, and Drew remained in their house. She didn’t want to leave because she felt like Kaden was still there with her in spirit. She is with somebody new now, and she seems happy, but Kale never dated anyone else. Losing Kaden almost killed him, and every day is a desperate struggle for him.”

  I used to dream of a time where Drew and Kale would break up for good, and she would be out of his life, but now that it had happened, I found myself wishing for nothing more than for them to be together again. Maybe she could help him, and he wouldn’t be so sad and alone.

  “I wish I could have done something,” I whispered.

  My father kissed my head. “Don’t we all, honey?”

  I leaned my head back and stared up at the starlit sky, watching my breath turn to fog when I exhaled. It was cold as ice outside, but for the life of me I couldn’t feel it. My body was just as numb as my heart.

  “You can do something now.”

  I looked at my father when he spoke and said, “It’s been years; what can I possibly do for him?”

  “Just being there for him will help him. You have no idea how much he worships you, Lane.”

  I licked my dry lips. “He idolises a girl from his past, Dad, but I’m not the same Lane he, or any of you, knew. She’s gone,” I whispered, my voice tight with emotion. “I’ve changed so much that I don’t even recognise myself anymore.”

  My father hooked his arm around my shoulder and tugged me against him. “You need to be here just as much as we need to have you here, Lane. You can find yourself again and possibly help Kale find peace in the process.”

  I exhaled a deep breath and looked up at my father’s lined face. “That’s a lot to achieve in a short amount of time.”

  He winked. “Your Uncle Harry believed that you would achieve great things. I trust in his judgement, and I trust in you. You can do anything you set your mind to, my love.”

  A lump formed in my throat.

  “You’re making wanting to run away again very difficult to do.”

  “Good,” my father swiftly replied. “The time for running away is over. It’s time now to face things head on.”

  Damn him.

  I sighed. “I feel like you would be good in any pep talk-related situation.”

  My father grinned. “It may be my calling, but I’m retired now. I’ll have a crack at it in my next lifetime.”

  I laughed and threw my arms back around my father, hugging him tightly.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, sweetheart,” he replied, and kissed the crown of my head.

  We were quiet for a few moments, and then we separated.

  “Do you want to visit Lavender while we’re here?” my father quietly asked me.

  You’ll never be without me, Lane Edwards; we’ll be best friends forever. I shook my head and shook her voice away.

  “I’m going to spend time with her on Monday when not many people will be here.”

  My father nodded and extended his hand to me. “Let’s go home, darling.”

  With a lump in my throat, I placed my hand in my father’s and held on for dear life, knowing that eventually I would have to let go, no matter how much I didn’t want to. Together, we walked hand in hand back to my parents’ house. When we entered through the front door, we were met with silence.

  “Stay here tonight.”

  I hesitated in replying to my father, so he quickly said, “Just for tonight. Spend our last night with Harry here with us.”

  When he put it like that, there was no question about where I would be sleeping.

  “Is there a bed in my room still?” I questioned.

  My father lifted a brow. “Your room is still the same way it was when you left.”

&nb
sp; I blinked. “It is?”

  My father tilted his head to the side as he scanned me with his eyes. “Why wouldn’t it be?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I thought you might convert it into something else.”

  He snorted. “Like what?”

  I glanced to his gut. “Not a gym, obviously.”

  He reached out and clipped me around the ear, making me laugh. “Cheeky mare,” he chuckled.

  I smiled and replied lightly, “I’m only teasing, but I did think you would change it to storage or something like that.”

  My father shook his head. “We would never do that. Your brothers’ room is still the same as it has always been. They both often drop in and sleep here. We left yours the same way for the same reason.”

  They hoped I would drop in and sleep here. I wondered how long my mother and father had prayed for that. Before I started crying once again, I leaned into my father and gave him one last hug before I went into the parlour, where I found my mother and nanny both asleep on the sofa across from Harry. I stared at the two most important women in my life, and I made a silent vow to always be there for them, no matter the cost.

  They had lost a son and a brother; I wouldn’t add a daughter and granddaughter to that list.

  I took the blanket from the back of the sofa and placed it over the pair of them, kissing their foreheads while doing so. “I love you both so much,” I whispered.

  I stood up and turned to my Uncle Harry, and without hesitation tears filled and spilled from my eyes. “Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life,” I murmured to him. “I thought the worst day happened years ago, but you leaving us trumps that.”

  Like before, I was expecting a reply, and when it didn’t come, my heart ached.

  “Goodnight, Uncle Harry,” I sniffled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I ignored the voice in my head that cruelly whispered, For the last time.

  I kissed my uncle’s head and then quietly slipped out of the room and went upstairs to my old bedroom. I placed my hands on the newly sanded and varnished banister, feeling its smoothness as my hand glided over the polished wood. I shook my head when I stepped onto the landing and the floorboard just before the bathroom creaked loudly.

  That bloody step is a curse, I silently mused. It ratted me out when I was younger and would sneak downstairs for late-night snacks.