Until Harry

by L. A. Casey

  “The day I lost you.”

  I frowned. “Kale, don’t do that to yourself.”

  He tried to smile, but his lips never did fully curve. “I can’t help it.”

  “Hey,” I murmured.

  His whisky-coloured eyes roamed my face. “Yeah?”

  I licked my dry lips and said, “I think it’s time we had our talk.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Day four in York

  Explain this to me one more time,” Kale said as we entered his apartment. “Your uncle left you his entire estate, but under the condition that we . . . talk? Am I getting that correctly?”

  Thank God it sounded just as insane to someone else.

  I nodded. “Yeah, it was written in black and white. If we don’t talk, and we both know what talk he means – he worded it exactly like that – then his estate will be liquidated into a lump sum and donated to . . . to the Liverpool Football Club.”

  A gasp of pure horror left Kale.

  “That manipulative bastard,” he said, scowling.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Kale, like the rest of my family, was a hard-core Man United supporter.

  “I just can’t believe he had to take such drastic measures. I hate that I made him feel like he had no other option. He probably thought if he asked me to talk to you that I would have cut him off like I did everyone else.”

  My lower lip trembled as shame filled me.

  “Hey now,” Kale murmured as he moved closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He knew you loved him, but he also knew you needed to figure everything out for yourself. We all did. Your brothers and parents just took it harder because they were caught in the crossfire of losing you.”

  I nodded. “I know, but my decisions didn’t help anything.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes, Lane. We learn from them and grow.”

  I glanced up at him. “When did you become so wise?”

  His lip quirked, and for a second I thought I spotted the familiar glint that once dwelt in his beautiful eyes. “I’ve done a lot of thinking over the years.”

  I had no doubt about that. I had done a lot of thinking too.

  There was a beautiful bookcase in the corner of the sitting room, and before I knew it, I found myself standing before it, brushing my fingers over the book spines in greeting. I loved books, and I loved that Kale still read them. I was about to turn away from the case when the name of an author caught my eye: K.T. Boone. She was an author I worked with. I scanned the other books and gasped.

  “Kale,” I breathed.

  I felt him come up beside me.

  “You . . . you bought every book I have ever edited,” I whispered as my eyes scanned over the familiar titles.

  Kale cleared his throat. “Like I wasn’t going to follow your work. You’re my best friend, and you have a kick-ass job. I’ve read them all. I had a book club in the making with your dad and Uncle Harry.” He chuckled. “You’re truly brilliant at what you do. I couldn’t find a fault in any of them. I love reading the author’s acknowledgements to you too. I’m so proud of you, kid.”

  Don’t cry, I warned myself. Don’t you dare bloody cry.

  “This is so sweet, Kale,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice dropped that octave.

  “Speaking of sweet, you want a cup of tea?” Kale asked after a moment, and I appreciated the subject change.

  I snorted. “Do you have to even ask?”

  He grinned down at me and headed into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I followed him, and I glanced around as I walked, noticing how plain everything was. There were no pictures of Kaden anywhere, but I was too afraid to ask about it in case it upset Kale. I walked by him and moved to the large window over by his kitchen counter.

  “Great view of the cathedral from here,” I commented.

  Kale chuckled. “Why do you think I bought the place? For the generous-sized rooms?”

  I noted his sarcasm and grinned.

  “I like it,” I said. “It’s cosy.”

  “It’s nothing compared to your new house. Harry’s place has five bedrooms.” Kale whistled. “What will you do with all that space? It’ll fetch a nice price for you, that’s for sure.”

  I wasn’t surprised that he assumed I would be selling my uncle’s house; I’d been threatening to leave ever since I’d arrived.

  “I’m not selling the house,” I casually said as I continued to look out the window, admiring the beauty of the town.

  I felt Kale’s eyes on me. “What does that mean?” he asked in a low voice.

  I shrugged. “It means I’m not selling. It’s my house, and I don’t want to sell it to someone else.”

  Kale swallowed. “Will you lease it out and be a landlord?” he asked, grabbing at straws. “You’d get decent monthly rent for it.”

  I shook my head. “No, if I did that I’d have to live in my parents’ house forever, and while I love them dearly, I don’t want that.”

  I felt hands on my shoulders, and then my body was turned.

  “Don’t play jokes on me,” Kale warned, his eyes trained on me.

  I looked up at him. “I’m not playing games. I’m telling the truth.”

  He blinked, his surprise evident. “You’re . . . moving back—”

  “Home,” I finished for him. “I’m moving back home.”

  His eyes widened, and he didn’t say a word, but just stared at me. I held back a gasp when the glint I thought I’d seen minutes ago flashed across his eyes, and this time it didn’t leave.

  My Kale, my mind whispered.

  I glanced for something to distract me from doing something stupid. My eyes flicked around his empty walls, and I frowned. “Why don’t you have any pictures up?”

  Kale gnawed on his inner cheek. “Of Kaden?”

  I nodded.

  “Because they’re a reminder that he is gone.”

  I tilted my head. “Couldn’t they be a reminder that he was here? Even though it was for a short time?”

  Kale looked away from me. “I don’t know if I want to talk about him. It hurts.”

  “I know.” I frowned. “I wish that one day we’d wake up and his passing would all just be a nightmare.”

  Kale gripped the counter, then took my hand in his and led me into the sitting room, where we sat on a very comfortable sofa. For minutes we sat in silence.

  “I miss my son, Lane,” he whispered. “I miss his laugh, his cry, his screams and even his serious conversations with his chubby toes. I miss everything about him.”

  I was silent as he spoke.

  “Day by day it’s ripping me apart because I know I’ll never see him again. Never hold him again. It kills me that you’ll never get to know him. I was robbed of you, and then I was robbed of him. God hates me. I hate me.”

  I got up and kneeled before him and put my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me.

  “You’re the bravest person that I have ever known. You’re so strong, and sweetheart, you’re a good fucking person. Horrible things have happened to you for no reason, because no reason is good enough for you to lose a child. The why can never be explained, and nothing will ease that pain you feel, but I truly believe that one day you won’t feel sorrow or sadness when you think of Kaden. You will think of happiness and love, because I know in my heart that he was pure light. You will see him again.”

  Kale’s whisky-coloured eyes were glazed over with tears, and when he blinked, they fell and splashed onto his cheeks. Without thought or hesitation, I leaned in and kissed the salty droplets away. I pressed my forehead against his and looked into his beautiful eyes.

  “I wasn’t there for you when you lost Kaden, but I will be here for you now and every moment after. I don’t care what has happened between us in the past. Before you were my crush, you were my best friend. You’re still my best friend, and I refuse to lose you again.”

  “You . . . you really aren’t going back to America?” he asked, the hope in his voice
almost breaking me.

  I shook my head. “No, darling, no matter the outcome of this conversation, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here where I belong, with my family, and with you in any capacity. You’re my best friend. I’ll give up everything before I lose that, lose you, again.”

  I barely finished speaking before he covered my mouth with his and kissed me.

  “Kale, no,” I said, and broke away from him. “You’re kissing me because you’re sad.”

  “No,” he said, looking at me with searching eyes, “I’m kissing you because if I don’t, I’ll lose my fucking mind.”

  I sat back on my heels. “You don’t know what you’re—”

  “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking,” he growled, cutting me off. “I’m sick of people thinking they know what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me.”

  I felt a moment of déjà vu as he echoed my earlier words to my family.

  “And what’s best for you?” I quizzed.

  “You,” he growled.

  I was confused with his anger.

  “You’re mad at me,” I said, stating the obvious.

  “I’m not mad at you, Lane,” Kale stated calmly. “I’m fucking livid with you.”

  I stood up as I sensed a fight brewing. Kale did too, because he was on his feet before I was. “Why’re you angry?” I asked, confused.

  “Because when I think about how things ended with us before you left me, it fucking infuriates me.”

  What the hell? I thought.

  I pointed my finger at him. “You walked away from me, Kale.”

  “And you made damn sure of that, didn’t you, sweetheart?” he bellowed, his tone taking me by surprise. “You told me everything I wanted to hear a year too fucking late.”

  “I never wanted you to look at me again the way you did the morning after we had sex, so when you told me you loved me, I lied and pushed you away to protect myself.”

  “Are you kidding me?” he screamed. “Are you fucking kidding me, Lane?”

  I backed away from Kale’s shaking form. He was fuming with rage.

  “No!” he snarled, and shot forward into my personal space.

  I wasn’t planning on leaving, but he was making sure I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

  “You aren’t running away anymore,” he stated. “We’re going to hash everything out right fucking now.”

  “I had to run away!” I screamed and shoved at his chest. “I couldn’t sit by and watch you play happy families with her. I couldn’t do it!”

  “You didn’t give me time after that admission,” he snapped. “I realised the day after you left that I wanted you and not Drew, but you were gone, and I had a responsibility to step up with her.”

  “Exactly,” I emphasised. “You had that – be thankful for it at least!”

  “What the hell are you saying?” he shouted.

  “If I’d told you I loved you, you wouldn’t have had Kaden!”

  Kale stumbled back like I’d punched him. “Don’t you ever . . . don’t fucking ever justify your walking out on me by using my son, do you hear me?”

  “I’m not justifying anything, Kale,” I said, my voice tight with emotion, “but it’s true. If I’d told you I loved you, if I’d pressed you out of your comfort zone, then Kaden would have never existed.”

  Kale glared at me. “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes,” I said, nodding, “I do.”

  “How?” he growled.

  “Because you would never have got back with Drew if you’d had me,” I whispered. “I see that now.”

  Kale struggled to keep his composure. “So I’m supposed to be happy you left me? I’m supposed to be happy that I was robbed of six years with you?”

  I shook my head. “No, you should be happy that I made a decision that led you to having Kaden, even if it was just for a short time, because I’m learning that having someone that special in your life is worth every second you have with them. Focus on that, focus on the time you had with Kaden, and you will be happy that you had him.”

  My own words triggered something my dad had said to me the night before my uncle’s funeral. He’d said, “You can find yourself again, and possibly help Kale find peace in the process.”

  “I’m realising that for myself too, Kale,” I said after a moment of laboured breathing. “It’s killing me that my uncle is gone, but I cherish all the time I had with him, every memory, every laugh and even every fight. Lavender too. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her, and I miss her every day, but it’s only because I loved her so much.”

  I looked up at Kale’s glassy eyes. “I cherish every moment of our friendship before I left and lost you.” I swallowed. “But even though things hurt, Kale, if we focus on the good times, the love we have for our loved ones will outweigh the heartache we feel when we think of them. I thoroughly believe that.”

  “Do you really think I can get to a point where I can be happy when I think of Kaden?” Kale asked me, his body still tensed.

  “I do, and I’ll help you every step of the way, I promise.” My shoulders slumped. “You should be happy I didn’t get in the way of Kaden, Kale.”

  Kale blinked at me. “You get in the way of everything, Lane.”

  I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “I can’t see past you,” he said, and shook his head. “I’ve never been able to see past you.”

  I waited for him to explain.

  “When Kaden was born, all I wanted was for you to be his mum so you could experience how brilliant he was right along with me. How horrible of a person does that make me? Wishing Drew was you? When I lost him, I wanted you there to make losing him easier. When I had Drew, I wanted her to be you. Every decision I make, no matter how small or stupid, is always accompanied with the thought of you. I incorporate you into everything without even meaning to do it. You’re my life. You always have been.”

  Kale carefully watched me from across the room as I processed what he said.

  “Want or wanted?” I whispered.

  He raised his eyebrows at me. “Wh-What?”

  “You wanted me, or you want me?” I asked, sucking up every ounce of courage within my body.

  Kale pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against. “Don’t ask me that unless—”

  “Unless what?” I interrupted.

  “Unless you’re fully prepared for my answer.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Day one of forever

  Worry filled me, but I didn’t care, I needed the answer.

  I stood up straight as I said, “Kale, you wanted me, or you want me? I’m not running away from you anymore. I’m not running away from anything ever again, no matter how scared I am.”

  He began to stalk towards me.

  “Which one is it?” I asked with my head held high. “Because when it comes to you, it’s always been want for me.”

  “I don’t want you, Lane,” Kale growled as he neared me. “I fucking need you.”

  He rushed at me and collided into me with his massive, sculpted body. I almost whimpered as the touch I so desperately craved invaded my senses. Kale took possession of my lips and kissed me so hard that it almost hurt. His hands were on my cheeks, holding me in place, and his forehead was against mine as he kissed me with a hunger that I eagerly matched.

  I felt the passion he was showing me deep in my bones.

  I gasped into his mouth when his hands slid down my body, around my waist and down to my behind where he squeezed. He bent his knees a little, then without warning he lifted me up into the air.

  “Wrap your legs around me,” he urged before taking my lips back as I became his willing captive.

  I did as he asked and wrapped my legs around Kale’s hips and my arms around his neck. I hummed into his mouth as we kissed. I rolled my pelvis into him, and he growled into my mouth, causing a surge of excitement to shoot through me. I knotted my hands in his ha
ir and tugged on it, making him hiss as we kissed.

  I grinned into his mouth, and he contracted his hands on my bottom, making me whimper a little as stinging pain hit me. It was Kale’s turn to grin then, and I quickly found that whatever I did to him, he would do back to me tenfold.

  That might not be so bad, my mind purred.

  “Bedroom,” I panted against his lips. “Now. I need you right now.”

  I needed him more than I needed my next breath.

  With me still in his arms, he walked out of the sitting room and headed down a hallway. Down at the end of the hallway, he pushed open the door into his room and stepped inside.

  I screamed when my mouth was torn from Kale’s as I fell back through the air, only to land on a soft mattress. I gripped my chest and felt my heart slamming inside it. At Kale’s laughter, I shook my head.

  “You bastard,” I said, laughing. “You frightened the life out of me.”

  I leaned on my elbows as Kale gripped his T-shirt from behind his neck and pulled it off his body, throwing it behind him. I stared at his body in awe.

  “Holy shit,” I breathed. “Kale, you have abs, and that V thing that is making me forget my own name.”

  “Oblique muscles, they’re called oblique muscles.” He snorted and crawled onto the bed, nudging his way between my thighs. “I worked out a lot while you were away,” he said, then brought his mouth down to my neck.

  I placed my hands on his chiselled back, and the muscles beneath my hands moved. The pulse between my thighs was becoming unbearably achy, for which I blamed Kale’s stunning body.

  “You’re so hot,” I breathed.

  Kale spoke in a low, guttural voice, “That’d be you.”

  I felt my cheeks heat up. “I’m not the size I was when I left here. I’ve probably gained between fifteen and twenty pounds and look like I’ve aged forty years while you’ve gone and got yourself ripped and become even more gorgeous. That’s a shitty trade-off for you.”

  Kale pulled back from kissing my neck and glared down at me. “You. Are. Beautiful.”

  My heart thudded against my chest.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  His gaze was still hard as he stared down at me. “Do you remember when you were fifteen, and I stood behind you while we looked at you in the mirror, and I listed everything I thought was beautiful about you?”