What the Heart Wants

by Tiana Laveen

  Emily has a nice little ass though. I mean, it’s not big, but it sits high and it’s just enough to hold onto. She’s got curves, probably ’bout a C cup in the breasts. I mean, the woman’s body is bangin’. Am I trying to put my own Black beauty standards on her now? What the hell is goin’ on with me lately?

  And now here I am arguing with myself in my own head. Silly and stupid.

  He chuckled to himself as he leaned against a wall and stared out the window, people watching.

  We’ve been out quite a few times now, and there’s a shitload of sexual tension. This is gettin’ crazy. I have had to restrain myself so many times from making a move. I can feel it, and I know she can, too. It’s like, neither one of us wants to be the first one to admit it, then do something about it. I mean, I have no idea what to do. There’s a lot of moving parts. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just talk to her about this. We can’t stay in limbo as we are. This ain’t even my style. Something is going on between us. Something has to give.

  He shrugged as he took note of a crowd gathering at the crosswalk.

  He yawned and headed back to the living room when he heard his phone ring. He quickly answered it.

  “Hey, I was just thinking about you, Emily.” He slumped down on the couch and cleared his throat. “We need to talk.”

  *

  Emily sat at her desk at work, much to her father’s dismay. He’d finally agreed to allow her to return full time, and thus far things were going fine. In fact, it was just the distraction she needed to stop obsessing about Cameron. Things had come to a head. They’d gone to a local actor’s play together the other night, and their lips brushed against one another as they hugged and stared into each other’s eyes. She wasn’t certain if it had been intentional or not, but the look in his eyes as it happened definitely made her think it had been. The world around them had slowed down, and then, as if snapping out of a trance, he’d pulled away. He’d looked so confused, she didn’t know quite what to make of it.

  His gorgeous, dark eyes glossed over with what appeared to be resentment, yet his body pressed hard against hers as he enveloped her in one of the best hugs she’d ever had the pleasure of receiving. Cameron was strong and passionate at the same damn time. She’d never encountered a man like him: one who was intelligent, proud, and had what a friend of hers called “swag.” Now, she understood it. She wasn’t certain if this was a “Black man” thing, but Cameron had it in spades.

  It wasn’t over the top. It was there in layers, like in a huge tiered wedding cake peeking out from between the light, airy frosting, spilling forward in appetizing doses. She’d finally gotten the balls to show a friend of hers his picture, to test the waters a bit, dip her toe in the lake of public response. Yet, she’d been careful not to divulge who he was and how she knew him. She’d simply stated it was a new client. In some ways, that was true. She had in fact taken a look at his financial portfolio, noting so many matters that needed addressing, and wrote him up a report with suggestions that would undoubtedly save him six figures over the next two years, as well as grow his earnings by at least twenty-four percent.

  So, when she’d showed Erin his picture from a local publication, her friend had said, “This is your new client? He’s hot. If he’s one of your clients, he must have money, too. Wow. Is he single? I don’t usually go for Black guys, but I think I’d make an exception here. He’s gorgeous. He looks tall, too. Is he tall?”

  And so the conversation went. Emily had never revealed to Erin, Laura, or any of her friends that she was falling for this man. That she thought about him each and every night and the start and middle of every day. That they’d been spending time together—quality time, the kind where they shared more and more of each other and she attended events with this man that she’d never believed she’d be caught dead at.

  But she’d ended up there, happily.

  Emily wouldn’t dare share that she’d invited him over one evening in hopes of having drinks and possibly more, but he’d turned her down, saying, “Maybe another time.” She’d been heartbroken by his refusal and prayed that he wasn’t pulling away, that they weren’t drifting apart when they’d just begun.

  I can’t stop thinking about you, Cameron. You’re amazing.

  She swiveled back and forth in her chair, slid her foot out of her left shoe, and let it hit the floor. Rubbing the ball of her foot against her other leg, she fell into a silly daydream and couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. He’d brought her joy, he’d brought her lessons, he’d brought her new understandings.

  Every time he’d call or text, her heart would go pitter patter. And while she looked around her office, seriously considering a revamp to a warmer, cozier style, she held the phone, about to dial him up. How could she concentrate on work this way?

  “So much for distractions to help me stop this crap,” she mumbled with a smirk as she phoned him. Cameron soon answered and told her they needed to talk. Her heart beat faster, fearful he was going to pull the plug.

  “Okay. What’s on your mind?” She reached for an ink pen and twirled it about in her hand, trying to steady her nerves.

  He took a loud, heavy breath.

  “Emily, I like you.”

  “I like you, too.”

  “I like you as more than a friend, though I doubt you find that surprising.” She swallowed, but remained quiet. “I find this, uh…difficult, I guess you could say. It’s almost like a conflict of interest, ya know? On one hand, it’s kind of understandable; on the other, it’s totally unacceptable. I am a pretty decisive man. When I want something, or someone, I go for it. I put my all into it. I don’t back down from a challenge, especially if it’s on my bucket list or someone I could see myself with.

  “In fact, Brooke used to complain that I was too assertive with my business maneuvers. You even accused my financial advisor of being too aggressive with some of my stocks, but I explained to you that was all my idea, not his. That’s just how I am. Now, as far as how I go about relationships, I mean, it’s been a minute, right? I’ve been outta the game. I was with Brooke a long time, but I remember how I would roll. When I was pursuing her and anyone else I wanted before she came into my life, I would keep going, full steam ahead until I had them. With you, Emily, it’s different. I’m trying to be careful, move slow.”

  “I know.” She grabbed a glass that resembled a science class beaker, and took a sip of the cool water flavored with fresh mint. “I also know why.”

  “Well, I was gonna tell you, but now I’m curious. Why do you think it is?”

  “Because you probably feel guilty about being attracted to the lady who is alive because your girlfriend is dead. Because the circumstances in which we met are heartbreaking and a little weird. Because…because I’m White.”

  “Shit,” he said in a whisper. “Well, yeah. That’s it in a nutshell. That’s it pretty much. I’ve been struggling with this for months now, okay? Since the moment I met you until this very second, this has been a roller coaster for me. At first, it was like, ‘Okay, she’s cool. No problem. She’s got Brooke’s heart and she acts like Brooke somewhat, too. Actually, she acts like Brooke a lot and maybe I can have a little more time with Brooke through her. Maybe this is God’s way of lettin’ me get some closure.’ Then, weeks later, it was like, ‘She’s good-lookin’ and I like her personality. She can sing, too.’ That specific talent in females has always been a huge turn-on for me. That’s when the guilt set in, because I felt like I was thinkin’ about you too much, wondering what you were doing, wanting to ask you a bunch of questions. Quiz you, basically.

  “A part of me hoped you were crazy or full of shit. You weren’t. So, I had to accept that yeah, as crazy as this is, it’s really happening. The heart transplant caused you to take on certain characteristics of my baby. Then, weeks after that, it’s like, ‘I’m really diggin’ this lady. I like her, for real.’ And then now, here we are, and it’s like, ‘Under any other circumstances, I would be pursuin
g this woman to the utmost. I like her style. I would be rolling out all the stops, extending myself. But how can I do that?’”

  She nodded in understanding, though her eyes glossed over with worry. His tone sounded as if he’d come to a decision—one that wouldn’t bode well for her.

  “I know this is confusing. It’s over the top for both of us. I really like you too, Cameron. I’m repeating myself, but it bears repeating, you know? I just wish we’d met under different circumstances, but then that doesn’t make sense because we would have never met had it not been for my poor health, and then I wouldn’t have experienced this transformation I am having had it not been for Brooke. It all lines up. Everything happened for a reason. Let me ask you something, Cameron.”

  “Yeah, go ahead. What’s up?”

  “Do you think you’d be dating at this time—like, if I wasn’t in the picture, do you think by now you would have started to entertain the idea of socializing with other women?”

  “Emily, I wasn’t ready to date and no, I wouldn’t have been dating now. That’s highly unlikely. I know it’s been several months, but that’s still too soon for me, at least I believed it was. I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone for a long ass time. It was the furthest thing from my mind and, not to sound crude, but fucking and dating are two different things to me. I am not going to sit here and say that I may not have had some booty calls eventually, but it definitely wouldn’t have been any more than that. But then you came along.”

  She smiled at his words. “We crossed paths. Our discussions have changed my life, Cameron. Brooke was so lucky to have you.”

  “I was lucky to have her, Emily. And that’s just the thing. It’s like she unlocked this gate. You said initially she made you come and see me. It was like she was using your body to get a second lifetime. I can’t believe I’m even sayin’ this shit, buying into this.” He chuckled nervously. “We went from talking to dating in what felt like a matter of seconds, only we hadn’t defined it that way. I was intrigued by you, Emily. I resented you. You represented everything I was having a problem with, fighting against—a sense of entitlement; closed-mindedness; lack of passion, art, and vision; racist; stuck-up. But I’d judged you too harshly.”

  “And I deserved the judgment because I was, and still am to some degree, all of those things.” She smiled through the pain as her chest radiated with warmth.

  “I can’t throw stones at you when I have my own shit to address. I’m far from perfect. Anyway.” He sighed heavily. “I felt something for you, and that feeling grew. When you looked at me and told me basically that you had some problems, that you were messed up, and that you wanted to change, your admission did something to me, Emily. It solidified the fact that you were climbing to a higher level, and I loved it. Then when we had that big blow-up in your office the other day, I saw in your eyes and could hear your ambition in that conversation to learn, to self-correct and heal. Growth hurts. I love watching people grow, period. I don’t even know what to call this, what we have. We both know this isn’t platonic or just to do with Brooke anymore. It’s more than that now. I think I felt like I was using you because my initial attraction to you was because you were becoming so much like her, and I selfishly wanted to get a second chance with her, too. I was just gonna use you to do it, like you were some pretty packaging that I didn’t give a shit about. I just wanted the prize that was inside. You’re not a Cracker Jack box.”

  “It wasn’t selfish,” she whispered.

  “Huh?”

  “It wasn’t selfish, Cameron. I knew what you wanted, and you knew what I wanted. A permanent part of me, my heart, wants you. My heart is not mine; it’s Brooke’s. It will never be fully mine. I’m just a host. You’ll never have me without Brooke, or Brooke without me. I had to spend so many waking hours pondering this.” Tears filled her eyes as she lowered her gaze to her lap. “Cameron, I have read articles about this sort of thing until I went cross-eyed. This has happened to other people. It’s met with a lot of skepticism, but it happens. So, unless I kill myself, which I have no intention of doing, this is my fate. This is where life has brought me. I am a White woman with the heart of a Black woman. Not just physically, but her very embodiment.

  “Everything she loved I love now, too. That’s what a heart does. It loves. She loved music, she loved her dog, she loved to sing, she loved people, all people from all walks of life. She loved. She loves you.” Silence stretched between them for a few moments. “Cameron, I care for you deeply. You don’t have to do anything about that. You aren’t obligated. My love for you, however, came through Brooke, but it is growing to be mine, too. One day, if this continues, I will be in love with you as well. There’s no other way this could end up. There’s no other conclusion.”

  She could hear him inhale and exhale, as if attempting to stay in control of his emotions.

  “You know, as we’ve spent more time together, Emily, I feel things for you. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Yeah, we both know what’s happened. There’s no way that you could know the things you knew about me and Brooke not be a part of you. You knew things about me, our life together that you shouldn’t have. You know me, the real me. I don’t let people get that close to me, Emily, not like that anyway, but you knew some of my secrets. Things only Brooke knew.”

  She smiled sadly. “So, Cameron, it looks like the day of reckoning has come.” She swiped a tear away from her eye as she laughed. “What’s the verdict? Obviously, you’ve been thinking about this for a while, and that’s understandable. I think we both have. I don’t want to cause you any pain.”

  Her heart broke as she waited for the inevitable, for him to let her down easy.

  “I think that, uh, we need to do what Brooke did.”

  She slid her foot back into her shoe and stopped swiveling in her seat.

  “What did Brooke do?”

  “I think we need to follow our hearts. Our hearts are telling us that this could be something special. So, let’s see.” Feeling buoyed, she resumed swiveling in her chair. “Why don’t you come by tonight?”

  “What? You’re finally inviting me over. Wow,” she teased.

  “Yeah.” She could hear the smile in his tone. “I think that would be a good idea. So, uh, come over and what will happen will happen. This isn’t a booty call.” He chuckled. “I just figured we could have some delivery, watch some television, talk, whatever. Are you allowed to drink tonight? I can get some wine.”

  “I better not.” She grinned. “I’ve limited myself to one glass of wine a week and I’ve already had it yesterday.”

  “Okay, cool. I understand. I’ll make some Thai tea then. You like that? You know, the kind with the cream in it?”

  “I love it, actually. That sounds delicious. Thai food tonight? Delivery to go with it?”

  “Yeah, if you like that. I don’t know what type of food you like besides vegetarian now.”

  “Yeah, I love Thai food.”

  “All right. I know a great place around here that delivers late into the night. Now look, we’ve been out many times and the conversations have sometimes been heavy, but tonight I just want it to be chill. Let’s just talk. Again, no pressure.”

  “Why do you keep bringing that up?” She laughed. “Cameron, you must’ve been out of the dating game far too long, just like you stated, because I can see what you’re doing a mile away.”

  “Huh?”

  “Don’t huh me. You are trying too hard to convince me that this won’t lead us to the bedroom. I think you wish for it to happen, and you’re just trying to cover for it.”

  He burst out laughing.

  “Maybe. Shit, I don’t know, but I am serious about the chill part. Okay, do you want me to pick you up or do you want to—”

  “No, that would be a waste of time, gas, and energy if you come to my home, pick me up, then drop me off. I will just drive over. What’s the parking situation over there for visitors? I won’t be just co
ming over for a few minutes like before to look at where Brooke lived. It’ll be for at least a couple of hours I imagine.”

  “Oh, well, I have a designated parking spot but Brooke had one too. Even though she didn’t drive, we still paid for the space for visitors. Come on through. It’s right behind my car. Just call me when you’re close and I’ll come out and help you.”

  “Okay, great. What time?”

  “What time is best for you? I won’t be at the club long tonight. It’s a Haitian art festival, so there isn’t much I need to do when they have those types of functions since neither the bar nor DJ or anything are involved.”

  “I can be done here about four, so let’s make it six. Is that good?”

  “Yeah, that works. All right, see you later on tonight. Oh, I almost forgot. I took over the entire conversation,” he said. “What were you originally calling me about?”

  She crossed her legs. “I was just calling you to tell you that I was thinking about you.” They were quiet for a spell. “We’ll talk more about what we discussed in this conversation later.”

  “Definitely.”

  “Cameron?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t think this’ll be easy, but I think it may well be worth it.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Home is Where the Heart Is

  “High ceilings, exposed brick, hardwood floors throughout. You said it’s got two bedrooms and two and a half baths, right?”

  “Yeah, and an office, too. The master suite has its own bathroom. There’s a full one in the hall back here.” He pointed to a door. “And then a half one for guests, but I also use the sink cabinet in there for extra storage.”