Ourselves

by S. G. Redling

  “You keep your mouth shut, tree frog.” His whisper was a low growl.

  “I won’t say anything. I don’t know anything.”

  Davina pushed past her, mocking her in a singsong voice. “I don’t know anything. I just roll around in dirt and talk to birds all day.”

  Luanna choked back a scream of laughter, grabbing at Stell’s long hair. “Take a bath, tree frog. Then maybe you’ll know what you’re missing!”

  To Stell, they looked different than the rest of the congregation. Their movements were faster, brighter somehow, as if all the other Nahan were on newsprint, and they were leaping out of the pages of the glossy magazine Stell had seen Luanna sneak from her bag.

  Then Stell realized what was different about them. She could smell it. She smelled it on their skin, on their breath, in their hair. They smelled like blood. But not the way she had smelled of Tomas; this was not Nahan blood.

  The revival took forever to finish. Stell wanted so badly to be alone with Malbette to ask her about what she had learned but there was always someone grabbing her hands, hugging her or commenting on her simple clothes. She wasn’t used to spending this much time around anyone, much less this many anyones, and she needed the solitude of the forest that ringed the campground.

  Stalking off into a copse of beech trees, Stell settled on a soft patch of moss to relax. The cool green under her fingers made her ache for Calstow Mountain, for Tomas, for the nights of freedom. She saw her mother making her way through the clearing, heading right for her.

  “Always sneaking off into the trees, aren’t you, my sweet?” Malbette wrapped one arm around a slender beech tree, pressing her cheek against its white peeling bark.

  “That’s why they call me tree frog, isn’t it?” All day she had longed to be alone with her mother and now that the moment was here, her mood soured.

  “Tree frog. I think it’s sort of cute.”

  “They don’t mean it to be cute.”

  Malbette released the tree and came to sit beside Stell on the forest floor. “That’s because they’re stupid, Teherestelle.” Stell jumped at the sound of her full name, the name her mother rarely used for her, but Malbette’s eyes were focused on the crowd before her. “They’re small and mean and stupid. They’re liars and hypocrites, just like me.”

  “What do you mean? You’re not like them.”

  “Aren’t I? I’m worse than them. I’m a coward.”

  “Malbette, no . . .”

  “Don’t be upset, my sweet. Like you, all this Family time is getting to me. Tonight, after supper, let’s you and I take a long walk.”

  Dinner was set out under a tent next to the picnic shelter. Stell was heading back for seconds when Malbette gestured for her to hold back. People milled about the buffet table and even Uncle Rom seemed to be in what passed for good spirits on him. She felt her mother tug at her sleeve and followed her lead as she stepped to the side of the stone picnic shelter.

  “Let’s take a walk along the creek, Daughter.” She spoke in English, not Nahan. They had been instructed to use their own tongue as little as possible while out in the world. She spoke loudly enough to be overheard but not enough to seem obvious. There was a coy tilt to her head as her eyes flickered past her daughter’s face to a point beyond. Stell followed her gaze and saw a common man in workman’s clothes hauling tubs of ice into the shelter. The man had noticed Malbette and was trying not to smile too broadly. Her mother linked her arm in hers and led her across the campground to the stream that wandered into the forest.

  “Are you flirting with that man, Mother?” They were alone along the creek bed, but she could feel her mother’s attention drawn behind her.

  “Yes, my sweet. I am.”

  “Why? He’s a common.”

  “Oh, Stell,” she turned to face her daughter, smoothing her hair and stroking her cheek. “Will you ever forgive me?”

  “For what?”

  “For living here among these people. Keeping you from the Nahan. The real Nahan, not the Family. When you came home after you met your young man, I realized what a coward I’d been, how selfish I’ve been, hiding with you in the mountains, thinking I could keep you a child forever. But look at you. You’re a young woman. You have the whole world before you and now I have so little time to teach you what you should have known all along.”

  “Mother, you’re scaring me.”

  “Don’t be afraid, my button. This is”—A cracking tree branch behind them cut her off. It was the workman from the campsite hurrying to catch up to them. When they turned to him, he seemed embarrassed for having been caught.

  “Brother Daniel.” Malbette’s voice was smooth. “How nice of you to join us.”

  The big man blushed. “I just wanted to make sure you knew that there are copperheads along this creek. You might want to be extra careful jumping up on any rocks. That’s where they like to sun.”

  “Copperheads. Oh my goodness.” Malbette glided closer to Daniel. “I must say I have no fondness for snakes. Do you think we’re in danger?”

  “Well, if it would make you feel better, I’d be happy to walk along with you.”

  She took his arm. “I can’t tell you how much better that would make me feel. Shall we?”

  Stell fell in step behind them, unsure she should follow until she caught a slight hand gesture from Malbette. Her mother was a woman transformed. The inward focus had vanished, replaced by a demure creature, by turns flirtatious and coy. Their shoulders touched often and more than once Malbette leaned on Daniel for help she didn’t need. Always when she spoke to the much taller man, she looked up under her lashes but mostly, Stell noticed, when she spoke or laughed, she breathed on him softly. Brother Daniel didn’t seem to think or care if there was anything calculating in her performance. His eyes rarely left her face.

  They reached a narrow clearing, where the creek slipped under a sun-warmed expanse of slate. Malbette curled her feet under her and invited Daniel to join her. With a subtle flick of her hand, she motioned for Stell to hang back. Over the laughter of the creek Stell could just hear the soft sounds of her mother’s voice as she spoke very closely to her companion. Not wanting to disturb them, yet unable to overcome her curiosity, Stell stepped behind them. When she was very near, she realized Malbette was whispering in Nahan, running her fingers over Daniel’s eyes and lips, her breath softly rustling his hair.

  She put her hand behind his head and lowered him onto the rock. He seemed to be sleeping, a dreamy smile smeared on his face, his eyes just slightly open. Malbette continued to stroke his face softly as she smiled up at Stell. “Come see a common man up close.” Stell settled down on the other side of Daniel, curious to be so close to a common and feel no danger.

  “His skin is so rough.” Stell marveled at the small lines and ruddy complexion. “He looks older than he should.”

  “Their skin doesn’t heal as quickly as ours, so it shows their lives easily. It’s a bit like a patina on a bronze statue or the yellowing of an old book. It’s fragile.”

  “What are we doing, Malbette?”

  Her eyes were light. “Whatever we want. Did you see how I took him, Stell? Did you notice the attention, the thoughts I brought to the front of my mind?” Stell nodded. “Collect your thoughts, whatever you want to be before you, and breathe them out. Never panic, sometimes it takes longer than other times. Sometimes if your mind drifts, you can find yourself with some surprising results. Whatever you do, don’t let your mind drift to your young man unless you are ready to take the common into your bed.”

  “A common? You mean, be together like me and Tomas? Together naked?”

  Malbette laughed again, her fingers brushing Daniel’s chest. “Don’t sound so shocked, Daughter. Sex is sex. Pleasure is pleasure. And their bodies can be a lovely diversion.”

  “But I love Tomas.”

  “Of course you do. This has nothing to do with that. Tomas may be love but this is life.” Malbette pulled at the simple silver ban
d she had put on before they’d boarded the bus. She twisted the ring and revealed a slender hooked point. It was little more than a flattened needle, but even in the fading light of dusk Stell could see how sharp the outer blade was.

  “A memento of happier times.” She stared at the blade for a moment and then returned her attention to Daniel. “The silver keeps the bruising down. Your tongue will make the wound clot. If you do it properly, there will be no scar. Still, it’s best to find a suitable location to feed, just in case. The crook of the elbow is a good choice, especially for a laborer. They are used to bruises and scratches.”

  Stell was speechless as she watched her mother push up the sleeve of his work shirt. A ring with a blade? Her mother feeding? On a common? In one short walk in the woods, Stell’s entire life had been thrown up in the air and was now bouncing through the tree limbs crazily. She stared as her mother sucked on the muscular arm of the man sleeping before her. Her sighs were deep but she fed only a minute. Her fingers pressed against the wound as she rose to face Stell.

  “Come here, child. Taste your life.”

  Tomas hadn’t spoken for over an hour.

  “No hard feelings?”

  Tomas glared at him. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “It was a nice motel at least.”

  “Don’t.” Tomas’s voice was a warning.

  “I think you made a good call pretending to be Hungarian.”

  “Dude, you left me in a gay bar.”

  “You did great.”

  “You. Left. Me. In. A. Gay. Bar. Left me! Took the truck and left me.”

  Louis shrugged. “We needed to be alone.”

  “I was stuck there all night. Until closing. Supposedly not able to speak English. Can’t exactly call a cab when you don’t speak English especially in the middle of nowhere. Plus I didn’t know the name of the fucking motel. Four hours, Louis, four hours in a gay cowboy bar in Arizona not speaking English.”

  “Hey, you’re the plan maker. Besides, Kevin seemed to like the exotic side of you.”

  Tomas glared at Louis once more until, despite himself, he began to laugh. “Fuck off, Louis. I could kill you.”

  Louis threw his head back laughing. “Hey man, I’ve had nothing but poontang for three thousand miles. This trip is supposed to be for our personal development. Have you forgotten what you learned in Heritage School about not letting orientation and biases interfere with—”

  “I know, I know, with necessary feeding. You’ve brought that up a thousand times. That’s for when there’s no other source in sight, not ‘How to Spend a Night in Arizona.’ ”

  “C’mon.” Louis punched his arm. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

  “Dude, you left me in that bar. I felt like the last gumdrop surrounded by fat kids.”

  “No, but Kevin turned out to be cool, didn’t he? I mean, you woke up with him.” Louis winked luridly. “Did you get some?”

  “Don’t even go there.”

  “I’m going there.”

  “I got what I came for.”

  “You didn’t even try it? Dude!”

  “Dude! I don’t like dudes! How much clearer does that have to get?” Tomas turned his head away quickly.

  “You did try it, didn’t you?” No answer. “C’mon, admit it. You got a little something.”

  Tomas rolled his eyes. “I kissed him.” Louis waited, nodding his head expectantly. A long moment passed before Tomas gave in. “Actually he was very nice.” They stared at each other then both exploded in laughter.

  “Look who’s got a boyfriend!”

  “I will kill you if you ever do that to me again, I swear. You’re lucky he was a decent guy and wouldn’t leave me when the bar closed. We drove up and down that stupid highway trying to find that fucking motel. What was I supposed to do? Leap out of the car and run away?”

  “Of course not. You did the right thing.”

  “I’m going to punch that smirk right off your face.”

  “So you brought him in and . . . what? A little dancing, a backrub?”

  “Yeah right. If he’d grabbed me he’d be in the back of the truck right now wrapped in plastic. No, he just talked. I wasn’t supposed to be able to understand him so I just nodded. Apparently nobody in his life knows he’s gay. He’s in some kind of trouble at work. He’s from out of town and was just passing through.”

  “Sure he was.”

  Tomas lit a cigarette. “I think he was telling the truth. Why would he lie? He thought I couldn’t understand him. I leaned in to kiss him, which was no fun by the way, and he was under in like two minutes. Took my drink from his arm and called it a night.”

  “And spooned him the rest of the night.”

  “I really hate you, Louis. I do.”

  “I know. But for what it’s worth, thank you.”

  “You owe me big time.”

  “I bet I can make it up to you. How does a suite at the Bellagio in Vegas sound?”

  Tomas raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like a nice place to start. How are you going to pull that off? We’re almost out of money. We should be heading up to Budrowe soon.” Budrowe, Utah, was the location of the nearest Nahan-friendly bank, where there would be cash and extra sets of identification for the many Nahan youth crisscrossing the country this time of year.

  “This is on the way.”

  “Las Vegas is on the way from Phoenix to Utah? I like your map.”

  Louis led them through the crowded lobby of the Bellagio to the elevators.

  “Where are we going?” Tomas asked. “Do we have a room?”

  “No but someone we know does.”

  Tomas held the elevator door open. “Uh-uh. No more surprises. I swear to god, if you’ve gotten us tickets to ‘Thunder from Down Under all male revue’ I’ll kill you.”

  Louis laughed and slapped his hand away from the door. “Relax, tough guy. We’re going to a party in the Grand Lakeview Suite with one Mina Harker.”

  “Mina Harker?” Tomas leaned back against the wall as the elevator rose. “Who does that make you? Dracula?”

  “Naturally.”

  They could hear the music bumping from the suite before they reached the door. Inside, a small but energetic crowd of beautiful commons danced and drank, champagne glasses and beer bottles raised high. Louis and Tomas, grimy from the drive, cut through the crowd looking for their hostess. Despite their road-weary appearance, or perhaps because of it, several young women and a few young men eyed them appreciatively.

  “Where’s Mina?” Louis shouted to one glassy-eyed brunette in a shiny halter.

  “Who?” She stumbled against him.

  “The person who’s throwing this party.”

  “Yeah it’s a great party, isn’t it? Whooooo!” She spun off in search of more champagne.

  They pitched their bags into the space behind the couch and, turning back to the party, came face to face with two ice-cold bottles of beer.

  “Looking for these?” Aricelli stood before them, beers in hand, looking cool and unperturbed by the chaos around her. “I thought you’d never get here.”

  Louis took his beer and kissed her on the cheek. “We almost didn’t.”

  She held the other beer close to her throat so Tomas had to reach out for it.

  “So you’re Mina Harker tonight?”

  “It’s Daddy’s idea. His big surprise for me. Sort of my debutante celebration.” She seemed charmingly embarrassed by the excess around her. “Let me show you guys where you can clean up.” Tomas grabbed his bag and followed her; Louis hung back, sneaking Aricelli a knowing wink.

  In the relative quiet of the luxurious bedroom, Tomas took a deep drink of his beer and sighed. He hadn’t fed well or slept well the night before, thanks to Louis’s stunt, and his shoulders were stiff.

  “Don’t you get tired of it?” Aricelli sat on the edge of the bed, her long, ivory legs stretched out before her.

  “Of what?” He couldn’t help but stare at the swell of
her breasts in her skimpy camisole.

  “The smell of them. The noise of them. The common, I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I have totally loved this trip. We’ve had an amazing time.” She flipped a wavy lock of hair over one perfect shoulder. “But we were the only Nahan for days. Just me and Kitty. I’ve eaten enough to live for a year but sometimes that isn’t enough, is it?” She rose and stepped in close to Tomas. “Or am I just being selfish?”

  He breathed in her scent, part honeysuckle soap, part Nahan woman. He had forgotten how smooth skin could be. Her breathing deepened as his eyes roamed over her face and shoulders. The sight of her pink tongue flicking over her lower lip made him lean in to her and he felt a spark of heat everywhere their bodies made contact.

  “Why do I get the feeling that this is a set-up?” Tomas asked.

  Aricelli smiled. “Whatever do you mean?”

  “I mean, Louis is worried I’m not over Stell and suddenly I find myself alone in a bedroom with the most beautiful girl in the world.”

  “Oh, flattery. I like that.”

  “So I’m right, right?” He could see the shine on her lips where she licked them.

  “You make it sound far more nefarious than it should. Is it so wrong that we should meet up on our trips?”

  “How much orchestrating did this take?”

  She laughed. “No offense, Tomas, but we could have rebuilt the Titanic in your underwear and you probably wouldn’t have noticed.” She bumped her nose against his. “You’re very good-looking but not especially cunning.”

  He laughed. “That makes one of us.”

  “Do you want me to apologize?” She sighed. “This is our avalentu, Tomas, our time to fly. This is our time to do things and try things that we’ve only thought about.”

  He spread his legs to give her room to press in closer. “Have you thought about this?”

  “Haven’t you?”

  Tomas laughed, having a hard time thinking with the nearness of her. “Yeah, but I’m me and you’re you. You’re . . .” His eyes roamed over her body. “You’re you.”