Ourselves

by S. G. Redling

  Tomas mustered the last of his exhausted resources to maintain his composure but Louis would have none of it. He grabbed his cousin and pulled him into a tight embrace, putting his hand on the back of Tomas’s head and pushing it into the warm privacy of his neck. They held each other, and Tomas knew Louis felt his ribs and shoulder blades sharp under the woolen sweater. When Tomas began to relax Louis held him at arm’s length and arched a wry brow.

  “So, how’s things?”

  Tomas laughed and Louis handed him a beer. Aricelli brushed his hair behind his ear.

  “Is it that bad?”

  He shook his head. “It’s not bad. It’s just intense, you know? Really long days and all this . . . this . . . stuff I’m supposed to learn in, like, five minutes. And there’s all this, you know . . .” He sighed. Louis and Aricelli watched him, waiting as they always did for Tomas to fish around for his words. He didn’t realize how much he missed that patience. He took a long drink from his beer. “Man, I’m so glad to see you guys.”

  “Where’s Stell?”

  “She’s out. She’s not really, you know, into it. I shouldn’t be surprised. Everybody told me it would be like this but . . .” He held his arms open in surrender. “Feel free to be the first to say ‘I told you so.’ ”

  “Never, man. It’s only been a month. Maybe she’ll get the hang of it.” Louis clinked their bottles and Aricelli jumped in to change the subject.

  “So what sort of things are you learning? Can you tell us?”

  He began to explain the different disciplines. There were isolation meditations where he was to make himself as still as possible and fully focus on one point, either a part of his body or an object nearby. The idea was to fully invest his energy into one single point. “They haven’t explained exactly what the point of it is, but I’m really good at it.”

  “As you’ve always been at really pointless things.”

  “True.” The boys toasted each other. “There are also these memory drills that are cool. There’s all this chanting and stuff you do.” He waved his hand, dismissing what was in reality a grueling physical undertaking, “But at the end of it, you can pull up any point in your life. I don’t mean big things like the first time you fed but the smallest minutes of time in total recall.”

  Louis tried in vain to wave down the harried waitress for another round. “So that’s the kind of shit you do all day? Go down memory lane?”

  “No, there’s a lot of other stuff. Location exercises and pattern recognition. They’re obsessed with patterns; I’m supposed to see them everywhere. They’re always watching me, waiting to see if I’m going to catch them. They’re just always watching me. It’s like they’re trying to take my brain apart and put it back together differently.” He didn’t want his friends to hear the strain in his voice. “It is cool hearing the legends though. Do you remember the story of Roizo and Llan?”

  “Ooh, I love that story.” Aricelli clutched her heart. “There was war and Roizo was afraid that Llan’s beauty put her in danger so he bricked her into the castle wall to keep her safe. But Llan could feel her Eihl was in danger and punched through the bricks with her bare hands to save him. So romantic.”

  “And so not true.”

  “Bullshit. Says who?”

  “Says Vet, the Storyteller. The real story is that Roizo was a merchant and was on the brink of making a fortune when Llan threatened to kill the local warlord, which would have totally tanked his deal. He drugged her and bricked her up and when she came to she tore through the wall and killed the warlord anyway. By then Roizo had made his deal but it wasn’t until after that that war broke out.”

  Aricelli considered the story for a moment and then nodded. “He did make the deal, right? So that’s okay.” Louis and Tomas laughed. “Hey, I’m my father’s daughter. She had her Eihl and she had her money. It’s a win-win.”

  Tomas realized his bottle was empty. “Are we drinking or what?”

  “I can’t get her attention.” Louis waved again for the waitress, but in the press of the crowd he was invisible. “This place is a madhouse.”

  “I like it, though. I like the energy.” Tomas let his eyes drift over the crowd. “But I want a beer.” He closed his eyes, breathed in deeply, and whispered, “I want a beer.”

  A waitress delivering beers to a nearby table appeared at his elbow and put a bottle before him. Behind her, the waiting table cried out in protest, demanding she bring them their drinks, but she ignored them and waited at Tomas’s shoulder. He told her he wanted two more, which she promptly placed on the table. He thanked her, his eyes and voice soft, and she smiled. Stepping back into the crowd, she turned to the enraged table behind her and yelled something about shutting their cake holes. Tomas passed the bottles to his wide-eyed friends.

  “What? Don’t you want another beer?”

  “Dude, how did you do that?”

  “Do what?” Tomas asked. “I ordered us beer. She’s a waitress. It’s her job.”

  Aricelli stared at him. “You didn’t order a beer from her. You just said ‘I want a beer’ and she brought it to you.”

  “I asked her for it.” He looked at his friends as if they had lost their minds. “She came by, I ordered three beers and she brought them.” Aricelli and Louis shook their heads. “You guys, she even told us her name. It’s Tammi, remember? Tammi with an i?” His friends continued to stare at him, shaking their heads. “Are you all playing with me?”

  Louis took a drink and grinned at Tomas. “Dude, I think you might have picked up a few new skills here.”

  They followed a sky-blue Nova down the highway. Adlai stayed several car lengths behind and lost sight of the car more than once.

  “Aren’t you worried we’re going to lose him?”

  He shook his head. “Nah. I know where he’s going.”

  Since meeting Adlai, Stell felt like a thirsty plant suddenly hammered by a thunderstorm. She knew she would have to address what was happening with Tomas, but for now she was content to be carried along. He had his “stuff” to keep him busy; now she had her own.

  They arrived in another run-down neighborhood, this one lined with dilapidated row houses. Porches hung askew and windows were boarded up on many of the facades. The Nova pulled into a narrow driveway next to a shabby, yellow, brick house. As they drove past, Stell saw the driver enter the house with a brown paper bag crumpled under his arm. They circled the block, pulling into the alley behind the house, and Adlai shut off the bike.

  “I guess we should have talked about this at the diner. I’m a pretty good judge of character but I want to hear it from you first.”

  “What do you want to hear?”

  “That you understand what we’re going in here to do. That you’re ready to do it.”

  A tremor of fear ran through her. Was this another thing everyone but she understood? Was there some sign she was unable to read? She didn’t want Adlai to look at her with the same disdain she had come to fear from Tomas. “Tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do it.”

  His eyes were cold but not impatient. “There are four people in that house. Maybe more. There are guns and a lot of drugs. Nobody is going to be calm. You understand?”

  “Tweakers. Like Esai.” She could still taste the bitter nervousness of his blood.

  He nodded. “That’s right. Just like Esai although even more wound up. We’re going in there and we’re gonna kill them all.”

  Stell blinked at him, not trusting her dawning revelation. “Feeding?”

  “No. Not feeding. Not r ‘acul. We’re going to kill them all. Then we’re going to blow up the house. Then we’re going to ride away. If you don’t want to go in, stay on the bike and wait for me, but I could use your help.”

  Breath caught in Stell’s throat. Power glowed from Adlai’s skin, the smell of strength and fearlessness. That he could want her help, that he could look at her and think she had the skills to help him in his dangerous work sent a thrill through her. She no
dded, unable to speak, fearing not for her own safety, only that she might disappoint him.

  They climbed off the bike and slipped into the backyard. Adlai’s voice was low and steady. “We’ll go in quiet. Be as still as you can. Wait until we’re all the way into the kitchen for my sign. When you go, go like hell. Don’t wait to see what they’re going to do. Just turn it on and go. And Stell?” She stared at him, riveted. “Don’t get shot.”

  “How do I avoid that?”

  “If you see a gun, move.”

  “What?” She grabbed his arm, but he held his hands up before her face. Looking into his eyes, she felt a calm settle over her. His palms touched in a prayer position and he lowered them between them. As his hands dropped, so did her tension until her breath was as calm as a sleeping child. He nodded and then headed up the back steps.

  The crowd at McGympsies had gotten thinner but drunker, and Tomas and his friends were feeling no pain. The conversation had turned silly and all three were laughing. Tammi-with-an-i became a faithful source of beer for the three, much to the displeasure of many of the surrounding tables. Especially enraged were the four people who had lost the first round Tomas had ordered up. The two large, muscular young men accompanying a buxom pair of girls had spent the evening glaring at Tomas and, as alcohol gave them volume, getting more creative in their insults. The three took little notice of them, jokingly labeling them Thing One and Thing Two and Miss Thing One and Miss Thing Two.

  After a funny story, Tomas slipped off his barstool and embraced his much-missed cousin. Over backslapping and ‘I love you, man,’ Tomas overheard Thing One shout out.

  “Get a room, faggots.”

  Louis laughed, climbing back onto his chair, but Tomas mouthed ‘Watch this’ and turned to the table behind him to stand behind the two Miss Things.

  “How ya doing?” He spoke to the men, his hands resting on their dates’ shoulders.

  Thing Two spoke first. “We’d be doing a lot better if we didn’t have to sit so close to a faggot like you.”

  Tomas peered down at Miss Thing One, or more specifically, into her impressive cleavage. “Do you think I’m a faggot?” She didn’t answer, only laughed behind her hand. “Because I’m not.” He began to caress her neck. Thing One rose, knocking back his chair.

  “You want to start something, faggot?”

  Tomas glanced over at his friends. Aricelli seemed a little worried but Louis was laughing. “Um, yeah, I do. Let me tell you what we’re gonna do. All of us.” Tomas blew out a deep breath and saw Thing One and Thing Two relax. Both men followed his hands as he slipped them into the necklines of their dates. His left hand cupped the heavy breast of Miss Thing One. His fingers pinched the nipple of Miss Thing Two. Both girls had their eyes closed, relaxed as he groped them. Tomas’s voice was low but clear.

  “I’m going to take your women home with me and I’m going to fuck them. And you’re fine with that.” The men nodded, unconcerned. “But that’s not all. You, Thing One, you’re going to go with my friend, Aricelli, there.”

  Thing One nodded and Aricelli laughed and mouthed the word thanks.

  “And you, Thing Two, you are especially lucky. You’re going to go with my friend Louis and you’re going to enjoy yourself big time.”

  Louis looked over the muscular man before him and laughed. “Double thanks, dude.” Thing Two smiled, glad to be the lucky one.

  “And so, throw down some money for our tabs, and let’s get out of here.”

  The seven new friends stepped out of the bar into the cold night, four of them relaxed, two of them surprised and one of them moving as if in a dream. Making their way down the sidewalk, Thing Two wrapped his arms around Louis, who tried hard not to laugh as he caught the sleepy eye of his cousin.

  “Are you kidding me? You can do this? This is what they train you for?”

  Tomas said nothing. Louis’s words had become distorted and he was having trouble remembering exactly what was going on. It was as if he were flickering in and out of numerous dreams, a sensation he had felt before in the training rooms of the Council. Miss Thing Two raised her mouth to his ear and began to suck on his earlobe. He turned and kissed her, feeling her tongue move hungrily within his mouth. Her name was Theresa. He could hear it in her heartbeat. She tilted her head back and opened her eyes, looking directly into his.

  A bolt of pain shot down his legs. When her eyes met his, a floodgate of sensation burst and all she was came pouring into him. Like a wave, he knew her, her name, her family, the scar on her knee, the cysts on her ovary, the humiliations of ninth grade, the money she stole from her father, the desire she felt for her friend’s boyfriend. All this and more came shrieking out of her glassy eyes into his brain like a pack of howler monkeys, throwing him back from her.

  He staggered out of her grip, pushing the other girl away as well. Then, as if a film were being wiped away, the night came back into sharp focus. He could feel the cold wind on his face, the sour beer in his stomach, and before he had time to react, the sharp pain of Thing Two’s fist connecting on his cheekbone.

  Blood burst from his skin as he collapsed onto the sidewalk, Thing Two’s rage-distorted face hovering over him, flailing fists pummeling his ribs and face. He covered his body as best he could as pandemonium broke out around him.

  Aricelli reeled in shock after Thing One slapped her hard across the face, pushing her out of the way to get to Louis, who fought Thing Two. The Miss Things only added to the chaos, screaming and kicking at anything before them, even their own boyfriends who tussled on the ground. Aricelli recovered, her eyes filled with tears at the still-stinging sensation on her face, but she found Thing One easily, swinging a backhand that lifted him off his feet, off of Louis and Tomas, and into the gutter.

  Louis finally got purchase on Thing Two, whose rage had given him super strength. A crushing punch to the nose and a kick to the side of the head toppled the larger man, giving Louis the chance to pull Tomas up by the armpits. The Miss Things screamed and kicked at him until Aricelli grabbed them both by the hair and slammed their heads together.

  Stunned, injured but engorged with fury, the Thing party struggled to their collective feet. Louis and Aricelli grabbed Tomas and began to run as fast as they could down the sidewalk, blood from Tomas’s face cut running freely. Aricelli had the presence of mind to hail a cab. Pulling Tomas in between her and Louis, she screamed at the startled cabbie to drive. They pulled into traffic, passing Thing One, who stood howling on the corner.

  “Someone want to tell me where we’re going?” The cabbie looked at his bloody party.

  “Away from here. Just keep driving.” Louis could hear the hysteria in his voice and struggled to calm down. Aricelli panted, her heart hammering, and between them Tomas made a choking sound. Louis pulled his head back, afraid he was injured, but saw Tomas was laughing. Not just laughing but guffawing. Blood covered the lower half of his face and an ugly welt rose on his cheekbone but his mouth split into a wide, crazy smile.

  “Fuck you, Tomas. You almost got us killed.”

  Aricelli echoed the sentiment, watching the night fly by out the cab window. “He slapped me so hard my teeth almost came out. Do I look like a sidewalk brawler?”

  Tomas looked around, laughter still rolling out in great, wracking waves. He’d never felt pain like he felt in his body at that moment but he’d never felt so alive. He caught Louis’s eye and, helpless against the flood of adrenaline, Louis began to laugh too. They collapsed against each other, holding their bruised bodies, until they heard Aricelli snicker as well.

  “Fuck you both.” Then she too let loose a snort of laughter that caused all three to huddle together, helpless in their glee. The cabbie drove on, certain he’d eventually learn his destination.

  “Give me two shots of Jack with two shots back. And two shots to wash them down.” Adlai leaned on the bar. Stell hovered beside him, gripping the bar and bouncing on the balls of her feet. Her teeth chattered and when she didn’t h
ave her eyes squeezed shut tight, her pupils shone black and huge. The bartender lined up six shots between them. They downed the first pair in unison, Stell’s trembling fingers dropping the glass on the bar. She winced at the heat in her throat. The bartender placed a wet towel before her.

  “Look at me.” Adlai took the towel and dabbed at her face. She felt his fingers tremble.

  “What’s on me?”

  “What do you think?” After Adlai wiped his own face as well, the towel was streaked with black and red and the bartender discreetly dropped it behind the bar. Despite his casual stance, Stell could feel the energy crackling off of Adlai. He looked into her eyes and Stell couldn’t read what she saw there. Was he angry with her? Had she done all right?

  “I didn’t know you could shimmer. You didn’t even know you could do it, did you?” She shook her head. Adlai settled onto the barstool and pushed another shot in front of her. “Tell me what you saw, what you think happened.”

  Stell perched on the stool beside him, her spine so tense she felt she was levitating above it. She began to speak, her sentences merely fragments as the memory coalesced in her mind. She spoke of their entrance into the stinking house, the bitter smell of chemicals in the air. She had seen two men in the kitchen, where they entered and could see two more in the adjoining dining room. She could feel more but couldn’t tell where they were. Adlai nodded at her recollection. There had been a total of seven people in the house, five men and two women.

  She’d slipped into the room as silently as he had, so silently even the keyed-up addicts hadn’t sensed their presence. When she’d moved to surround the men, she’d been so utterly still, even he, an experienced shimmerer, had had to blink to keep sight of her. If the common had noticed her she would have seemed to them to be disappearing and reappearing in spots across the room. It was clear in her retelling she had no knowledge of her ability.