Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  “You’ve got to stay away from Blake.” I cringed at the deep voice of Tate behind me. I swung around with fire in my eyes to find him standing way too close to me. An inch barely separated our bodies, and I could feel my heartbeat racing at being this close to him just like it had hours earlier in the lift.

  I looked him dead in the eye and was confused when I saw concern flash through his eyes. I couldn’t let myself get caught up in him. He couldn’t distract me. I couldn’t let him ever get to me. He was Tanzi’s brother. He wasn’t just someone I could screw and throw to the side. He was a complicated distraction.

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” I spat. I would have found this amusing if I wasn’t drunk and in the midst of a jetlag breakdown. So I stood my ground, I stared him down; I glared at him in confusion, which could have been the worst possible thing I did. Being this close to him allowed me to see him for all that he was and I couldn’t lie—he was possibly the most beautiful man I had ever laid my eyes on. His big blue eyes were the first thing I noticed but as he stood before me, I found myself getting lost in the fullness of his lips and the high cheekbones that accentuated his face. He had the most intense eyes that I had ever bared witness to but along with their intensity they also offered a softness that made him almost irresistible and right now my body was betraying me. I craved him like I have never craved a man before.

  The stare-off was broken the moment I felt someone slip a hand in mine and begin to pull me away from Tate. I couldn’t help but smirk when I looked over my shoulder at Tate as Blake pulled me into the cool Los Angeles air.

  Chapter Five

  My head screamed at me. My body ached. My heart crushed. It was yet another early morning in yet another man’s bed. The familiar feeling of regret and remorse running through my body wasn’t anything new but still it never stopped me. I fathomed a look beside me and moved my body at a snail’s pace in fear of waking him. My eyes landed on blond hair and the familiar tattooed arms that only hours earlier had been pinning me down to the bed and doing unimaginable things to my body. The clock on the nightstand flashed 4 a.m. I needed to get out of the apartment before Blake began to stir.

  I wasn’t proud of what I did. I wasn’t proud that I couldn’t face my demons head-on or that I couldn’t forget the hurt and rejection that I felt from Corey. I couldn’t imagine anything besides one night here and there to forget my grief. But for the first time in four years, I felt ashamed of what I did and what I was fast becoming. I had gone against everything I promised Mr. Davenport, and I had gone back on the promise I made to myself. I looked at my move to Los Angles as an opportunity to start a new chapter, but already my bad habits had followed me across the Pacific Ocean.

  I shifted on the bed and slowly lifted Blake’s tattooed arm off my bare stomach. I froze the moment Blake stirred beside me. Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up. Holding my breath I thanked my lucky stars when he rolled over and huddled deep into his pillow with a sigh escaping his lips. I slid ever so slowly out of bed in constant fear of waking him and silently moved around the bedroom, while keeping one eye locked on the man I left alone in bed. I searched in silence for the remains of my clothing, which had been thrown to every corner of his studio apartment in a ravenous display of need when we got back. I grimaced as my body ached and reminded me of the intense sex I had with Blake; it was rough, adventurous and thoroughly enjoyable. If it wasn’t one of my rules, I would definitely have come back again.

  Dressing as quickly and as quietly as possible, I grabbed my clutch from the floor and took one last look at Mr. Rock Star, silently thanking him for helping me through my first night in Los Angeles. I slipped outside into the cool early morning air and reality slapped me hard in the face. I didn’t have a clue where I was. I didn’t have an address and last night as I was practically having sex with Blake in the back of a cab, I certainly wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I was stranded in Los Angeles with no way of getting home. I sighed and cursed myself at the stupidity of the situation I had gotten myself into. I had only one option…Tanzi.

  I scrolled through my phone and pressed call on her number. My eyes darted everywhere around me and I jumped at every shadow I saw and every noise I heard. After two long minutes, she finally picked up.

  “Babe, where are you?”

  Oh brilliant, she was drunk and giggly. I could hear Jack in the background begging her to hang up the phone. Please god, tell me I didn’t interrupt them. I sat in the gutter, which was probably the perfect place for me and pulled my knees to my chest in a stupid attempt to protect myself as an anxious shiver ran down my spine. Why do I always put myself in these stupid situations? First night in Los Angeles and this is where I am.

  “I don’t know. I came back to Blake’s, the singer in the band, and now I don’t know how to get home,” I sobbed in defeat and shame.

  “Tate’s coming to get you. I can’t drive. He’ll be there in ten minutes. Wait out front.”

  I started to object but was greeted by the shriek of the dial tone. All I wanted was to go to my apartment, have a long shower and try and forget tonight. I didn’t have the patience, strength or energy to deal with the craziness that was Tate Connors.

  It may have been because I was alone in a new city, or that I was tired and feeling more broken and alone than ever that caused memories of my past to flood me. I was constantly haunted by the image of my parents’ lifeless bodies in the hospital and the sound of my screaming voice when I was pulled away from them. I barely spoke of that day and twelve years after they were ripped from me, I still felt like it was a bad dream. It was my way of protecting my heart and never wanting to believe I wouldn’t see them again.

  But my nightmares weren’t just about my parents. I remember like it was yesterday being told my high school sweetheart Corey had killed himself and the moment his mother slapped me across the face and threw his suicide note at me. He laid blame on me, and the words you forced me to do this and you made me do this forever tormented me.

  From that day I chose not to allow myself to feel again and I made sure I was constantly numb. It’s better that way, and that’s where the drinking, the men, the crazy parties, the constant hours at Beautify all help. It’s my only means of survival.

  “Jesus, Savannah. Get in the fucking car.” I was startled at the sound of the deep voice blaring at me. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard the car pull up, let alone seen the car lights beaming at me.

  Lifting my head from my hands, I found Tate standing over me, looking less than thrilled about being dragged out at 4 a.m. I sighed as his features glistened in the fading moonlight. Tate was painfully beautiful—painful for me because it was causing me great pain not to rip off his clothes. Holding his hand out, I hesitantly grabbed it before being pulled to my weary feet.

  I looked behind him and inhaled as my eyes landed on his midnight black jeep, the passenger door was open and I could hear the car radio.

  “Are you getting in, or am I leaving you here?” Tate growled his voice scratchy yet oozing sex appeal. Savannah, control yourself.

  I nodded and followed him to the car in silence. He opened the passenger door for me and I ducked under his arm as I climbed in. My eyes followed him as he walked around the front of the car and slid into the driver’s seat. He looked at me as he started the ignition, his eyes showing a softness I never imagined. I leaned against the window and watched the lights of Los Angeles flash by me. The drive was tortuously quiet besides the radio playing top 100 classic love songs, and I couldn’t help but smile when I heard Tate hum along to Celine Dion.

  The familiar gates of the apartment complex soon came into view, much to my delight. I was home and I could disappear and wash off the events of the night. Tate pulled into a vacant space and switched off the engine. He leaned back against his seat with a deep sigh and rubbed his hands over his face.

  “Look, Savannah, I just wanted—”

  I inter
rupted him; I didn’t need to have this conversation. “Thanks for picking me up. I apologize if I interrupted your date.”

  Tate twisted in his seat to look at me. “It seems we are more similar than you know. I left my date before she woke up too.”

  “Why did you go home with Blake?” he suddenly blurted out in a tone that could only be described as disgust. Did I just hear him correctly? I swung to look at him and narrowed my eyes. “Do you really think you should be running off and fucking some stranger? You don’t even know him. He could have been a fucking serial killer for all you know,” Tate spat at me. His eyes were burning into mine and his jaw was tight and tense.

  “Excuse me?” I looked at him dumbfounded, my mind swelling with anger and complete and utter exhaustion.

  “You don’t even know him, Savannah!” I heard Tate mutter under his breath.

  “You have no fucking right to say anything about what I do. I can go home with whoever I choose and do whatever the hell I want.” I glowered at him. My chest was heaving and my fists clenched in my lap. I was angry and beyond pissed off.

  “How about the girl you fucked tonight? Did you know her?”

  Tate’s eyes flicked and he shifted in his seat seemingly nervous at my question. I furrowed at him, seething at the blatancy of his accusations. Tate rubbed the back of his neck tensely and his eyes dropped from mine to timidly look outside. The way his shoulders slumped showed I had hit a raw nerve and he deserved it.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You are such a hypocrite,” I accused through gritted teeth. I snatched my clutch off my lap and swung open the car door. I needed to get away from him and fast. I abruptly climbed out and slammed the door closed behind me. The thought of being near him any longer made me sick to the stomach. Who the hell did he think he was?

  I stalked through the car park, my heels clicking on the ground, and I tried to focus on the sky lightening in the distance in a blatant attempt to calm down.

  “You shouldn’t walk around here on your own.” I heard behind me. Tate picked up his pace and walked silently beside me with his hand dug deep in his pockets. We didn’t say a word as we walked into the foyer, and I couldn’t help but notice the wink Tate gave the lady at reception before we made our way to the lift.

  I twisted my hair around my finger as we waited for the lift to arrive, my eyes looking everywhere but at Tate. All I wanted was to go to my apartment and to disappear into the magical bed that was waiting for me. My head was throbbing as soberness came upon me and the throbbing intensified at the annoying giggling beside me. I turned to look at the annoyance just as Tate’s eyes hovered toward the girls, and he looked the scantily clad girls up and down as if deciding if they were worthy of his attention. He offered his seductive smile and panty-dropping bedroom eyes and they giggled like a couple of irritating schoolgirls. The man had no shame.

  Hearing the ding of the lift, I stepped in and pounded my floor’s button. My body tensed the moment I felt the space between Tate and me disappear, and my broken breath was stolen as Tate’s chest pressed into my back as he leaned over my shoulder to press floor seven. I couldn’t help but notice the way his breath hit the sensitive skin on the back of my neck and the heat of his body that radiated against mine. What was it with us and lifts?

  “Do you mind?” I snapped, trying to hide how excited this made me. I couldn’t deny the way my body wanted him and it infuriated me.

  The way his breath tickled my bare neck as he leaned closer thrilled me. I held my breath. His lips lightly grazed the sensitive skin near my ear and my eyes closed as his fingertips swept the hair from my neck, so innocently tucking a strand behind my ear. The sound of him licking his lips and the echo of a sigh escaping his lips almost tipped me over the edge…until he spoke. “If I were Blake, you wouldn’t mind.”

  “But you’re not Blake, are you?” I retorted and swung around so I was now standing up to him.

  “You’re the greatest challenge I’ll have, Savannah. There is something about you I want,” Tate taunted as he took a step away from me. He crossed his arms over his chest as he watched me, he didn’t hide the fact that he was playing games. The intensity of his eyes faltered for a moment and I was left in confusion as his eyes almost looked like that had a moment of realization as confusion swept over him as he looked at me. I couldn’t get distracted though.

  I turned to him as the doors opened at my floor and offered him a smirk. “I’ll let you in on a secret.” My eyes narrowing at him. “You’ve got two things against you. One, you’re Tanzi’s brother and two, you’re an arsehole. If you weren’t either, I’d fuck you.”

  I left him with his mouth opened and eyes wide. Why had I just said that?

  Chapter Six

  My heavy eyes were barely functioning and my body was riddled with the feeling of regret and the aftermath of my liaison with Blake. The night before had not turned out how I was expecting. My first in L.A. was meant to be a few quiet drinks with Tanzi, not going home with the lead singer of the band for a mind-blowing sex session and definitely not telling Tate that I’d fuck him. Why did that have to come out of my mouth?

  The annoying noise that had pulled me from my alcohol-induced sleep continued and then my phone buzzed beside me.

  Tanzi: Open the door, Sav! I have breakfast and a Sex and the City marathon starts in 10 minutes.

  How was she functioning this early? It was only eight a.m. I could barely function on eight hours sleep, let alone four hours! I stumbled down the hall, bouncing off the walls to support my incredibly shaky legs and opened the door to a grinning and highly alert Tanzi.

  “Good morning, gorgeous. You are looking stunning.” Tanzi smirked at me before shoving a tall Coffee Bean takeaway cup in my hand, the smell of the freshly roasted coffee overcoming my senses. I huffed a thank you and followed Tanzi through my apartment to the living room and collapsed into the oversized couch that took up half of the room. How was she not hung over?

  “Good night?” Tanzi asked sweetly as she pulled random boxes out of a brown paper bag. It was so American and I absolutely loved it. I grunted in response as I took a long sip of the liquid gold that was my double shot cappuccino and desperately hoped that it would be the medicine I needed to be able to function.

  “It was a good night and you were right, the cocktails are amazing.” I hesitated as I looked at my new friend, tossing up whether to tell her about my sexcapades…ahh screw it... “Before you ask, yes, I did go home with Blake and yes, we had sex; yes, it was freaking amazing, and yes, I left before he woke up.” I swallowed hard and prayed that she didn’t disown me. I’d only known this girl for a month and had only met her in person yesterday and I’d already gone out with her, got trashy drunk, went home with the guitarist of the band and was in the middle of some messed-up flirt-fight thing with her brother. Awesome start to your new life, Savannah!

  A grin I wasn’t expecting swept over her face. “Welcome to L.A., babe! I’m glad your first night went off with a bang, and a good bang by the sounds of it.” Giving me a wink, she opened the final box and much to my grumbling stomach’s delight, it was croissants, and at that moment I knew I fell in love with Tanzi Connors.

  “What time did Tate drop you off? I didn’t hear him come in.”

  Tate hadn’t gone home? The girls from the lift immediately came to mind and I knew exactly what he would have got up to.

  “I got in around 4:30. He was in the lift with me. Not sure where he went after that.” I placed my half-eaten croissant on the table in front of me and sank deep into my couch, a satisfied sigh escaping my lips.

  “I love that you call elevators lifts.”

  “I’m taking over L.A., one aussinism at a time!” I winked and sank back further into the couch, the combination of coffee and croissant had made me feel somewhat human again.

  “Did you just make up a new word?” Tanzi chuckled loudly as she flicked the channel and the familiar tune of my favorite television show filled the room.


  I pulled the comforter tightly around my aching body, certain movements making me remember Blake. “Yep, I am cool like that!”

  “So what do you think of Tate?”

  “Um…” I said considering my words carefully. “I’m trying to think of the right thing to say, seeing he is your brother,” I scoffed, in honesty.

  Tanzi turned to me and gave me a knowing look. “He has that effect on people. He will get to you though, he always does. He’s a great guy, the best one I know, but he can be an ass sometimes. That’s just his defense mechanism.”

  The thing was that he was already getting to me.

  ***

  Monday morning hit me like a ton of bricks. Waking up at 6 a.m. was never welcomed, and my hatred of early mornings was intensified by the jet lag that still hung over me. I was starting at the Los Angeles office of Beautify Magazine today. I knew how to do this job and I knew I was damn good at my job, but the thought of walking into a new office, meeting new people, having a new desk, not having my usual morning coffee from Stan’s absolutely petrified me.

  Tanzi greeted me in the foyer at 7:30 on the dot. As I looked her over, I was relieved to see that I had got L.A. office attire spot-on—pin-striped high-waist skirt, button-up blouse, sky-high heels and a killer bag. The two of us could have passed as walking advertisement for the corporate world. Coffee was needed to kick-start the day; thankfully the apartment building had an onsite coffee stand. Tanzi filled me in on the office politics as we waited for our order. She warned me who to stay away from, who was sleeping with who, who had slept with who and who wanted to sleep with who. There was nothing like gossiping over coffee in the morning. We grabbed our coffees and walked out into the early morning sunshine and made our way to Tanzi’s car. My laughter echoed through the air as Tanzi told me a story of the intern who decided to use the office photocopier for extracurricular activities last Christmas, for a moment I thought she had been the intern by the graphic description she was giving me, she had even added moans to the story. She really did crack me up.