by Kahlen Aymes
I didn’t know what I believed. Why did I care how the world saw someone who cheated on me? My fingers splayed across the front of my shirt as my chest tightened again. I fucking hated my weakness.
“The only opinion Brook cares about is yours. We have to do some damage control of our own, Cade. Now.” Why was she talking about business when all I could think about was that Brook and I were done?
I shook my head with a wry grimace. “I don’t care about anything right now, Denise. Everyone and everything can go straight to hell! I don’t give a shit if I never work again.”
“Stop it!” she shouted. “I won’t let you do something you’ll regret. I think Brook should move out of the house, but we can let her know it’s just for show right now.”
“Maybe I don’t want it to be for show.”
“You mean… you’d actually leave her?” she asked incredulously.
“Look, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing! I’ve just been gutted from the neck down. I never thought Brook could do anything like this.”
“You need to talk to her before you judge her. Jeanne and I have been hard enough on her. She’s young and impressionable. People make mistakes.”
I swallowed at the lump in my throat. “I saw the photos.”
“Cade, why?”
“Because I’m a stupid asshole that’s glutton for punishment! Why do you think? Because they’ll be around for fucking ever and I’ll have to deal with them at some point. I might as well get it over with, for Christ’s sake!”
I ran a hand through my hair and went into the bathroom intending to splash cold water on my face. I looked like hell. My eyes were red-rimmed and the lower half of my face was covered in fur. My hair was a dirty mess.
“I gotta go,” I muttered into the phone.
“Should I tell Brook to move out?”
“No, I’ll tell her.” I hung up the phone before giving Denise a chance to answer, set it down on the vanity, and turned back to the running water. I splashed more on my face, then turned on the shower and peeled off my dirty T-shirt. It was one Brook had been photographed in ten times. I sucked in a painful breath and hesitated as the internal struggle with what to do came to a head. I grabbed the phone and punched out a text before I could stop myself.
I need you to move out of my house. And get rid of that fucking car.
I’ll send someone for Lucky.
I couldn’t bring myself to ease her pain when I was still dying inside. Even though I wanted to hate her, I knew I still loved her or I wouldn’t want to stop breathing. I didn’t know what the whole truth was and I wasn’t sure I wanted to drag myself through finding out. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to face her and I wasn’t big enough to let her stop suffering when I was in such hell. Just when I stepped in the shower, my phone dinged as a new text came in. I stepped out to glance at the screen, my heart rammed into my ribs when I saw her name. Would she still plead with me, or would she finally let go?
Okay, if that’s what you want.
But I’ll love you until I die… it will always be you.
I turned back into the shower with clenched fists as I leaned on the wall, fresh tears forcing out from under my closed lids. Everything hurt. I hated my weakness, but I loved her. I needed to believe those words because they defined the reason for my very existence. I wanted them to be true because even though my head told me to, my heart wasn’t ready to walk away from her completely.
I REREAD CADE’S messages ten times.
I need space, Brook. I’m a mess.
I’m sorry, Cade. Just let me explain. I’m begging you.
I’m not ready to hear it & can’t promise I ever will be. If I want to talk, I’ll call.
I stared in disbelief at my phone, the words starting to blur, my head aching and my eyes so tired. Two weeks. It had been two weeks since he’d sent the last text and God, it killed me but I’d left him alone.
I moved out like he’d asked and I donated the car to charity, clinging to the hope that if he wanted the car gone it meant there was a chance. I went to the gym to train for my next movie. My dad said it would help take my mind off of Cade and make me feel better to get back in the swing of things. It didn’t, and I didn’t.
I told the studio to put my next film on hold indefinitely. If they sued me, they sued me. I was doing everything in my power to show Cade he was the only thing that mattered. I missed him like I never had before because then I was sure he’d come back to me. This time, he might not.
I tried not to listen to the bullshit news or surf online, but I needed to find out as much as I could, even though most of it was pure speculation and lies. Cade’s fans hated me more now than ever, because now they thought they were justified… Even I hated me. Jeanne said he wasn’t in L. A. but that was all Denise had shared with her. I wondered if he’d gone back to London and my heart fell at the thought. How would I ever face his family again? They’d hate me now and who could blame them? I prayed they didn’t think I’d been cavorting with that bastard the whole time I was working with him. I spent a lot of time with them so I prayed they’d know better.
No one knew where Cade was, or at least, they weren’t talking. I did my best to breathe in and out every day, to get out of bed, to go through the motions and not cry every single second that I didn’t hear from him. I tried not to scream, “Just leave me alone!” at the top of my lungs whenever anyone asked how they could help me. No one could help me, except Cade. Didn’t they all know that?
The seconds felt like years; each one eating away another small piece of me that I’d never get back again. It all seemed so surreal, like a world where Cade and I weren’t together just couldn’t exist. I was alone and hardly coping.
The paparazzi were stalking me and camping outside my parent’s house, so I had to get out of there. My brother barely spoke to me as he dumped me in the trunk of a rental car so that he could take me to Jennifer’s without being followed. He was wearing a disguise and sunglasses, but in my mind I could see the disgust in his eyes when he looked at me. Nate and Cade had become fast friends; the brother neither of them had.
My lips were dry and cracked, and I tried to moisten them with my tongue. My eyes were swollen and felt bruised from rubbing and wiping away the endless tears.
So, I waited and prayed. I barely ate; my appetite vanished. I got up to turn on the Blu Ray before flopping back down on the bed. I ignored the sandwich my friend had placed on the nightstand and stared at the TV through the inky darkness. I never wanted to leave the room again.
The Future of Our Past had just come out on DVD and I watched it over and over every night until the copy I had started to skip. I was grasping at some small shred of peace… part of Cade… clinging to happier times when I hoped he loved me even though I had no right to want him. Yet, it was there; always there. We both felt it in every glance and the slightest touch. It screamed on the screen.
God, I need him. My heart seized. I loved him more than ever. He’d been so kind and helpful at the beginning of all this, so amazing, loving, and consuming.
I railed at myself. This was my own fault because I didn’t tell him the night it happened. That stupid meeting was the only secret I ever kept from him, besides those days when I loved him but couldn’t tell him because of David.
“Please, he has to forgive me,” I cried into my pillow. My chest was hollow, yet tight. I couldn’t breathe. I fought sleep because I didn’t think I deserved the solace it would afford. I deserved to suffer every cutting edge of every word Cade hurled at me; of the world’s scorn and my own hatred of myself. But did I deserve to lose him? I couldn’t lose him or I’d lose myself.
The credits started to roll and my burning eyes began to droop; my arms empty. The sharp, stabbing pain in my heart had reverted to a dull, ever-constant ache.
The phone I’d clung to for hours rang in my hand and I startled. It was Cade’s ringtone but my brain registered it as just another nightmare where I’d say hello
and he wouldn’t be there or his voice would be saying “I’m through with you, Brook. I don’t love you anymore.”
“Oh, God!” I rolled over onto my stomach and cried and cried. “Caaaaaadddddeee!” I screamed into the mattress as the last notes of the Ryan Cabrera song, I will Remember You faded and the screen turned black. I was so tired; barely able to hold my eyes open as I lay there torturing myself.
The phone rang again, but this time I pulled it up and looked at it. Cade. Cade. Cade. His name blinked at me over and over as if it were mocking me, daring me to see if he were really there. I scrambled into a sitting position and flipped the phone on.
“Cade?” I sniffled. Breathless; I waited for his words; words that would save or destroy me.
“Yeah, it’s me. Are you alright?” He sounded as exhausted as I felt. His voice was lacking his usual exuberance for life.
My face crumpled and I shoved the heel of my hand against my mouth to stifle a sob. “No. I’m huh -horrible.” I gasped. “I’m barely… breathing.”
“Me, too.” Sadness saturated his voice.
I wanted to crawl through the phone and straight into his arms, but instead, I fell onto the bed, rolled onto my side and curled into a ball as tears dripped endlessly from my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but the damn tears wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to make him feel worse, but I had absolutely no control. “I’m sooorrrryyy! So soorrryyy. Plea… please don’t say…. Don’t say we’re over.”
I could hear him crying softly on the other end of the line. I wanted to hold him, to be held by him and for this fucking ache to go away.
“I don’t know which end is up. I thought we were invincible. I can’t believe any of this is real.”
“It isn’t.”
“Isn’t it? Then why is it killing me?”
I couldn’t stand the hurt in his voice. “It’s all lies, Cade.”
“I never could have imagined how much it would hurt seeing the goddamned pictures of his mouth and hands all over you.”
I gasped out loud. “I tried to tell you; it’s not like it seems. Will you let me explain?” I needed to get him in front of me. I needed to get my arms around him and not let go until I could make him believe me. I didn’t care how I did it or if I had to beg forever.
He sniffed again. “I’ve been watching Twitter. I searched our names. Someone told me to listen with my heart… and you to make me believe.”
I wiped at a tear and silently prayed. “I can, but only if you’ll hear me. Will you?”
“I don’t have a choice, Brook. I can’t function like this.”
No matter how much I was hurting, I knew his was the ultimate suffering because he believed I betrayed him.
“Will you come to me?” I tried to keep my voice from breaking but it did anyway, tears were streaming from my eyes as I waited for his response. “I don’t want to have this conversation on the phone.”
“Yes. Tomorrow. Denise said you’re staying with Jennifer.”
My throat was tight and fresh tears started for completely different reasons. I sucked in my breath. “Yeah.”
“I thought you’d be at your parent’s.”
“I was for a couple of days, but the press was camping outside. I had to get away from my family. Nate hates me, and my mom keeps asking me how I am when she can easily see what a mess I am. All I do is cry.
“I know. I shut my phone off and drank a gallon of scotch.”
“Did it help?”
“Not at all.”
“Did you talk to your parents?” I tried to stop the trembling in my hands as I waited for his answer.
“Not much. A few texts and one call to my Mom when I wanted to kill myself.”
Tears squeezed out from my closed eyes as I started to cry hard, my shoulders shaking violently. It hurt so much.
“Jesus don’t say that, Cade…”
“I did. Nothing has ever hurt this much.”
“I know. I miss you.”
“Me, too. I lost more than my girlfriend. My best friend… the best person I ever knew… went down in flames.”
“I may be on fire, but I’m still with you. Always.”
“Uhhggggg.” He cleared his throat but I could still hear the tears in his voice. “I gotta go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I didn’t want to hang up and lose this connection. What if he changed his mind? I closed my eyes and knew I couldn’t push. I had to trust him because that’s what he deserved. “Thanks for calling. I love you.”
“Bye, Brook.”
My throat began to ache. He didn’t say he loved me back.
I WAS NERVOUS, which was stupid. This was Brook, and I was sure that if I could get beyond all of this bloody bullshit and forgive her, she’d still be with me. The problem was, I wasn’t sure I could live with it or if I could take the ridicule of Denise or my friends. The world was one thing, but those in my personal circle meant a lot to me. I’d spoken to Daniel, and he told me to walk away and never look back. I shook my head. He’d always been so fiercely protective of Brook before, and now he was looking out for me and me alone. He’d traveled all the way from London to come out into the middle of the desert to check on me and drag me back to civilization
My fingers ran through my hair. It was longer and I was thinner. I shaved because I didn’t want Brook to think I was totally broken or I’d lost it. I already felt weak. Even though it appeared I had all the power; I was basically a slave to my love for her.
“Are you ready?” Nate asked. He agreed to bring me. Jeanne and Denise were being tailed everywhere they went.
“Yeah. How’d you get out today without those slimy bastards following you?” I asked.
“I’m staying at my dad’s. Did Brook tell you the folks are breaking up?”
“No. I guess with everything going on, she forgot. Sorry, man. That’s got to be touch. The timing sucks.”
Nate shrugged. “It is what it is. They both seem okay. I had this rental for the past couple of weeks so I could take Brook if she needed to go anywhere without being followed. Are you guys breaking up?”
My throat tightened at his question. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I hardly know… what I’m capable of. Not until I see her, and…” I let the words fall off with a slight shrug.
“I’m sorry, dude. Really very sorry you’re dealing with this shit.” His tone was disapproving and I gathered he wasn’t happy with Brook. I didn’t answer and glanced through the dark windows and pulled my sunglasses from the neck of my T-shirt before shoving them on. There weren’t any paparazzi visible, but then you rarely saw those bastards when they lurked about.
“Best get on with it,” I murmured before quickly opening the door to the black SUV. I hopped out quickly and hurried to the door. Jennifer opened it before I had a chance to ring the doorbell and held it open for me to enter.
“Hey, Cade.”
“Hi.” My eyes darted past her, into the living room, scanning for blue eyes and dark hair, but it was empty.
“How are you?”
“Been better. Where’s is she?”
“In the spare room. She asked that you just go in. I’m going out for a while. Tell Brook to text me when you’re finished. I want to give you complete privacy.”
I nodded and ran a hand over my mouth and down my jaw, my eyes anxiously fixed on the door to Brook’s room.
“I appreciate it, Jen. Thanks.”
She hesitated, her hand on the door. “She’s taking this hard.”
I nodded again and looked at the floor before returning my gaze to her face. “I know. I saw pictures of her the two times she’s been out,” I admitted. I couldn’t help but watch every move she made.
“It’s obvious you still love her as much as she loves you.”
“Obviously, I’m not able to shut it off like a faucet.”
“You guys can make it through this.” She hugged me. “You will, Cade.”
“We’ll see,” I answered. I wa
ited until she left and then knocked lightly on the door with the knuckles of my right hand.
“Cade?” Brook’s voice was soft and close to the door. I closed my eyes and flattened my hand against the surface of the door. I could picture her with her forehead leaning against the wood, exactly opposite where my hand lay.
“Yes, Brook. It’s me.”
The door opened immediately and I stood face to face with her for the first time in weeks. Her eyes were bloodshot, hollow and dark. She looked gaunt. My heart hammered a million miles an hour as we stood there staring at her and hesitating like we were awkward strangers. I didn’t know what to do with all the pain hanging between us. I swallowed at the lump in my throat, but it wouldn’t move.
“Come in,” she murmured, standing aside.
I walked past her and the air moved. I could feel her mentally reaching out, but fighting the same internal battle that I was. I wanted it all to disappear like it never happened; to take her in my arms and tell her it would all be okay. But, I couldn’t. I didn’t know if it would be.
She automatically reached for me then drew her hand back, uncertainty washing over her face as her eyes filled with tears. “Um, thanks for coming.”
I sat on the foot of the bed. Jen’s house was small and Brook hovered a few feet away, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. I could see she was worried and didn’t know what to do. I inhaled as much air as my lungs would hold and let it out. “I’m listening.”
She was in sweat shorts and one of my T-shirts. When she started pacing in front of me, running a hand through her hair, I could see how scared she was.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Just… start.”
She nodded and faced me, wiping at the soft tears rolling down her cheeks. “Sheldon called me when I was leaving the gym and said he needed to speak to me about a new movie he was producing. He said the studio wasn’t sure they would let him direct it because he’d never done it before. He fed me some song and dance about how I could help convince them since we’d just come off a film together, and they were considering me for several films. He said he needed help.”
