Dance for Me

by Kay Elle Parker

  Silence, walk, or talk.

  “Start talking and give me something to work with. I can work with you if you want to change whatever’s haunting you. I’m happy to help you seven days a week if that’s what it takes, but I can’t if you don’t think you’re ready.” Connie’s mouth was firmly pressed. “That’s option one. Option two is stay silent. Doesn’t bother me in the least—I can sit here all night in companionable silence until you’re prepared to give me an inch. Option three—”

  “Walk out the door,” Bodie muttered.

  “Which you can. I won’t even stand up to stop you, sweetheart. You’re not a prisoner, you don’t owe me your time, but maybe it’s time to understand you owe yourself a reprieve from the shit holding you back.” Her lips twitched into a slow, wicked grin. “Just don’t forget Braun’s decreed that the blanket must stay here.”

  “You are not a normal therapist.”

  “Excellent, then my work there is done. I can sit back, relax, and wait for you to come out and play with me.”

  Bodie bent over and touched her forehead to her fur-covered knees. It felt so soft against her forehead, it was wonderful. “Talking to you is the only way you’ll leave me alone, isn’t it?”

  The chair creaked and weight briefly touched the back of her head before stroking lightly down to her nape. The warmth of the Mistress’s fingers on the sensitive skin was just as nice as the fur. “You’re one of us now, Bodie. Part of our family, however dysfunctional and eccentric we may be. You’re kinda stuck with us.”

  She moaned, the sound akin to a dying moose. “Fucking fabulous.”

  Connie laughed and the weight on Bodie’s nape lifted. “It really is, though your sarcasm is noted. Come on, sweetheart. Just take a big breath, release it, and let the words do the talking for you.”

  Maybe if she just did what Connie wanted, the woman would let her go home without too much embarrassment curdling her stomach. Divulging such things—intimate things—didn’t sit well with her. Not just because she loathed it, but because she felt as though she was betraying Braun by speaking of what they’d done. Which was stupid.

  With her body still doubled over, she said quietly, “It was weird, I didn’t like it, and I don’t want to do it again.” Christ on a crutch, my tongue’s gonna go black with all these goddamn lies. “Does that satisfy your curiosity?”

  “It’s a solid starting point,” Connie murmured, and the pen leaped back into action. “I’ve not had the pleasure of playing with Braun, but I’ve never heard any complaints about his skills either. Can you explain how it felt weird, Bodie? Did he cause you any pain, nip you, do something to cause you distress?”

  Thank God Connie couldn’t see her face. “Why, you gonna give him feedback?”

  “Not at all. Nothing we discuss will leave this room. But if he did something to make the experience...unpleasant, it might be worth you telling him what that something was, so he doesn’t do it again.”

  “He had his tongue in my...” Fuck, she nearly choked. “In my...goddamn it. He licked me, for fuck’s sake. Licked me like I was something sweet he hadn’t tasted in years.” Sitting up abruptly, she clamped her thighs together as the ache inside her flared. “And then, while I was tied down and out of my goddamn mind, he...he put his fingers in me.” And made me explode into the sky.

  “Both of those are common sexual activities, Bodie. Have you never had a lover who brought you to orgasm with his mouth or fingers?”

  “No!”

  “Just relax, sweetheart. I have to admit I’m a little puzzled. Your body language is consistent with someone who enjoyed the stimulus you’ve reluctantly described, but the rest of you...” Connie sighed and cocked her head, tapping the pen on her lips as she mulled over whatever was brewing in her brain. “Have you ever orgasmed with a partner? Through foreplay or intercourse?”

  Shit. The Mistress had picked up the scent and would back Bodie into a corner if she didn’t try to deflect it away from the massive neon behemoth she kept secret. Her laugh was shaky, nervously so, and she winced as she realized she might as well have just tattooed, I’m a big, fat, fucking liar on her forehead. “No, but I read that not every woman does. Not every woman can.”

  Sharp gray eyes gleamed. “You read that, huh? That’s very true, especially if your partner is inexperienced or just doesn’t give a damn. I mean, how hard is it to learn where the diskit is located and how to utilize it correctly?”

  Grateful Connie bought into the lie, Bodie nodded as though she knew what the hell a diskit was. “Right? Not that hard.”

  The Mistress blew out a long breath and covered her mouth with her hand, staring at Bodie as though she’d turned into an alien species and had tentacles poking from the top of her head. After several long, unnerving moments, she slowly wrote something on the notepad, then rose and began to pace the room.

  When her stomach dropped into the soles of her feet with dread, Bodie understood she’d said something wrong. How could she blurt out the wrong thing when she’d only said four words? She glanced toward the door. Maybe she should run.

  Connie muttered to herself, shaking her head and gesturing with the pad and pen as she moved back and forth, back and forth. The glances she threw at Bodie ramped up her anxiety to blood-chilling scream levels. “Fuck.”

  Oh, that couldn’t be good. Connie hadn’t raised her voice or sworn in the time they’d been in the office. “I-Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine. Just...thinking.” But Connie stopped pacing and returned to her seat. With a huff of breath, she said, “The vagina is a complex part of female anatomy, Bodie. There is a small bundle of nerves where the labia meet; can you tell me what that’s called? You know which part I mean.”

  Bodie winced. She’d failed biology like a pro—hell, she’d flunked high school so badly, one teacher told her it had been a waste of time trying to teach her anything—but something about the description told her Connie meant the part Braun had sucked on, licked, nipped at with his teeth and ripped her into scattered pieces of exuberant pleasure.

  As her sex lubricated itself again with excitement, she clutched at the word Connie had already given her. “The diskit?” she asked hopefully.

  “Double fuck.” Connie rose again and dropped her notes and the pen onto the chair, then sat close enough to Bodie for their hips to touch. Peeling back the blanket enough to find Bodie’s hand, she took it and linked their fingers tightly. “Sweetheart—”

  One look into those sympathetic eyes and Bodie felt her lungs seize.

  She knows.

  Shaking her head in denial, she yanked at her hand, but the Mistress was a lot bloody stronger than she appeared.

  “Bodie, sweetheart,” Connie soothed in a firm, calm tone not unlike Braun’s Dominant resonance. It lacked the depth, the masculinity, but it appeared it had the same effect on her. “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. This explains one hell of a lot.”

  “It explains nothing. You don’t know anything!” Her voice cracked at the end, but she held it together. Nobody knew her secret; Connie was just grasping at straws. “Don’t say another fucking word!”

  “Baby,” the Mistress murmured, reaching out and cupping Bodie’s cheek with such tenderness, Bodie wanted to lean into her and bawl her eyes out. “Why the hell didn’t you say you’re a virgin?”

  Just like that, with one sentence, Connie sucked the fight from her bones and deflated the terrified anger gnawing through her body. The horrible, dirty secret she harbored was no longer hers alone, but rather than relief coursing through her veins, there was just an imposing sense of ominous dread.

  The Mistress had the power to destroy her now. She could use the knowledge however she wished, to hurt and destroy if that was what she desired. Or maybe she’d take advantage of it, blackmail Bodie into doing unspeakable acts in exchange for Connie’s silence.

  There was only one thing left to do, and that was salvage anything she could from this rollercoaster of a
night. Bodie forced air from her dying lungs in a scoff. “Oh, please. That’s ridiculous. I’m no more a virgin than you are.”

  “Sweetheart, Diskit is a village in India. It’s not part of the female anatomy; the bundle of nerves I asked you about is called the clitoris.”

  Damn it. “So I suck at anatomy. Never planned on being a brain surgeon.”

  “I’m relieved to hear it. Do you feel ashamed of your virginity, Bodie? Is that what this is all about? The attitude, the mood swings, your reluctance to commit to Braun?” Connie lifted her free hand and winked. “No pad, no pen. Girl talk only from here on.”

  Bodie laughed miserably. “Like you ever put the shrink away. I know how shrinks work. Even if they don’t have something to write on in their hands, they squirrel away information to use later. Nothing I talk about is safe from scrutiny.”

  “Not a good side effect of the job,” the Mistress agreed amiably. “How about this? Whatever we talk about now, I will try my hardest not to bring it up in future chats unless you specifically mention it first.”

  God, the woman was tenacious. Too exhausted, mentally and physically, to continue fighting with someone who had the strength and stamina to tangle her up in emotional knots. “Whatever, fine. Get it over with.”

  “Pinky swear?” Playfully, Connie offered her little finger, slightly curved.

  “I don’t know what that is, but...” Bodie mirrored the gesture, nonplussed when the Mistress hooked them together firmly but briefly. “O-kay, then. If that’s what makes you happy, I guess.”

  Connie shuffled and made herself comfortable on the couch, keeping Bodie’s hand in hers. “Talking makes me happy. I’m a simple soul really—all I need in life is to please people and have a sub who craves attention. How about you, Bodie? What does happiness mean for you?”

  Braun. He personified everything that made her feel giddy and excited. When he smiled at her, her world brightened, elevating from the gloom of her existence. When he told her he was proud of her, that she was his clever girl, something dead inside her came back to life for a few moments.

  Bodie said that to Connie, feeling like a moron, but her new tentative friend smiled knowingly.

  “That’s lovely, sweetheart. Do you think that will change if you tell him you’re a—”

  “Can we please stop using that word? It doesn’t define me. I don’t want everyone to know me as the dumb virgin who attached herself to the first guy to show her any affection. That’s a cliché, right?”

  “Isn’t Liam the first man to love you?”

  “Liam?” Honestly shocked by the question, Bodie stared at Connie. “Well sure, I suppose. He’s been my best friend forever, since we were kids. But he doesn’t think of me that way. I’m his annoying pseudo kid sister. There’s nothing...romantic between us. And he’s never indicated any interest in me.”

  She must be mistaken, thinking she heard the woman whisper, “Not that you paid attention to.”

  “In high school, he was all about the guys. For every crush he had on a girl, he had one for two guys as well. I never showed up on his radar, not that it would’ve made a difference to this situation.”

  “Have you spoken to him about this?”

  “God, no. He'd be busy setting me up with everyone and anyone he could find to rectify the issue. If my parents find out I’m...inexperienced, my life as it is would crash and burn in a fiery level of hell. To them, I’ll be a valuable commodity. My father would probably rape me for the shits and giggles, just so he could brag about bagging a virgin. If my mother could stop him, they’d auction me off to the highest bidders. They like money and an orgy of men paying for a woman’s virginity would really bring in the cash.”

  The Mistress became unnaturally still. The air hummed dangerously with silent tension. “I’m sorry, your parents would what?”

  “Oh, too much information. Sorry, I’m not used to this talking thing. Just forget that, it doesn’t matter.” Flushing violently, she tried to pull free the hand still in Connie’s grasp.

  “I don’t think we will. Explain that. Your blood parents would sell you for sex if your father didn’t take a fancy to you first? What kind of family do you come from?”

  Bodie huffed. “Not a pleasant or forgiving one. I’m the black sheep because I haven’t shirked the law and become one of them. I should’ve done; maybe they’d leave me alone if I was one of them. They’d still blame me for Alicia’s accident, but I’d be one of them.”

  “Aren’t you just a fascinating rabbit warren of turmoil? I don’t know anything about this accident or your family, Bodie, but my guess is if they treat you like shit now, being one of them wouldn’t change anything but you. Would you really want to be someone capable of selling a woman’s virginity against her wishes, knowing she’d be raped? Could you sacrifice another, just to fit in with monsters?”

  Bodie didn’t need to search her soul down to the nooks and crannies to find the answer to Connie’s questions. She’d grown up with those monsters, watched her parents turn her sister into one after the accident that changed both Alicia’s future and her own. She’d seen the devastation of what born and bred monsters could do to a girl with her own eyes the night she’d gone to the Callahan’s house so many years ago. “No, I’m not that person.”

  “Damn fucking straight, you’re not.” The vehemence in Connie’s voice took Bodie aback; if she was this powerful as a Domme, Bodie was surprised subs throughout the club didn’t automatically drop to their knees when Connie walked past. “Beneath the anxious mouse façade you hide behind, there is a robust core of strength, Boadicea. We need to find a way to mine it, teach you how to utilize it. Being raised by monsters doesn’t mean you are one.”

  “No? I don’t have friends—aside from Liam. I don’t have a social life because I don’t know how to interact with people without turning into a raging bitch.” The faucet on her emotions flipped onto full, and things poured from her mouth at high speed, fast enough she tripped up over most of them. “I live in an apartment with no furniture because I had to sell everything I owned to pay the rent. Even though I have money now, I can’t buy any fucking furniture because if my family come around, they’ll take it. They’ll take every last cent I have and more besides.”

  The water fountain of secrets just kept bubbling. “I don’t know how to deal with what Braun wants from me. I saw...I witnessed something when I was younger that scared the shit out of me, and I don’t know how to get past that and give him what he wants. Am I not a monster if I let him believe I can be what he expects me to be?”

  A slim hand clamped over her mouth to stem the next surge of verbal vomit. Alarmed, Bodie trembled as Connie shook her head slowly, a flash of temper in her steely eyes. “What you’ve told me in the last thirty seconds would be enough to send most people into deep depression, sweetheart. You’re not a monster, trust me. You’re just so conflicted with everything going on around you, there’s not a lot of room for you to breathe.”

  Wasn’t she breathing now?

  “I would like you to think about two things, very carefully. First of all, I believe you should consider sitting down with me a couple times a week. Just like this, no pressure, but regularly. We can steal Braun’s office a few times a week or meet somewhere else.” Connie removed her hand slowly. “Don’t dismiss it immediately. Give it some thought.”

  Bodie chewed on her lip. She should be hearing herself saying no emphatically, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She’d already told the woman more about herself than anyone else knew about her—more than even Liam. While it hurt, deep inside her, to spill secrets, Bodie found some of the strangling pressure tying up her chest was relieved.

  Could she commit to spending predetermined amounts of time discussing her shitshow of a life, pulling it apart and exposing the rotten core? She hated the idea, not only because it would disrupt her rigorous self-management, but because it seemed cruel to unload it all on someone else.

  On the same
hand...could sharing the weight bring an end to her pain?

  “I...maybe once a week?”

  “If you’re comfortable with that, we can organize it.” Squeezing Bodie’s fingers lightly, Connie sighed. “The other thing I want to talk about is a little more complex. You need to contemplate how you’re going to break the news to Braun.”

  “No.” There, she’d finally said it. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  Because he’ll go fucking mental and never want to see me again. Shaking her head adamantly, Bodie dug her heels in. “Can you imagine how that conversation would go? Oh, hey there, we haven’t been properly introduced, Master Braun. I’m Bodie, your submissive, the fucking virgin. Please, oh please, would you fuck me even though I’m terrified and haven’t got any idea what to do.”

  Connie’s eyebrow shot up. “Well, if you tell him like that, I doubt he’ll be best pleased. Mistakes can be forgiven, Boadicea, if you own up to them. Errors made in fear won’t be held against you. If Braun doesn’t know and he does something to negatively impact his dynamic with you—tonight is a damn good example—he will not forgive himself or you. It’s unfair to put him in this position when he has no idea you’re innocent.”

  “He doesn’t have to know. Once it’s over, once he’s fucked me,” Bodie said awkwardly, her brain flashing back to images from a darkened garden and the atrocities she’d seen, “there won’t be anything to know. It’ll be over and done with, and Braun won’t be any wiser.”

  “And that, right there, is what will shatter your dynamic into splinters. Irreparable shards of what you could have with him. Honesty, trust, communication. The tenets of the lifestyle. Blunt deception is...Jesus, if any of my subs pulled a stunt like this, I’d kick their ass to the curb and walk away without looking back.” Connie’s voice was hard, the Domme in full swing. “Being scared is no reason to deceive him, Bodie.”

  “If I tell him, then what?” Bodie almost shouted. This time when she pulled on her hand, Connie let it go, and she lurched to her feet, swaddled in the blanket he’d bought for her. “He’ll treat me like I’m fragile!”