by Ruby Rowe
She slings her arms around my neck. “Thank you for being understanding and not leaving. I’ve been so scared.”
“I’m sorry for giving you reasons to doubt me, but I swear I’m not going anywhere.” As I hold our girl, I look at Elliott and notice his glassy eyes. “Bro, you need to see a doctor. You have to get healthy before we have our kid. I never thought I’d be saying that to a dude.”
“Yeah, I’m going to go lie down for a while,” he replies.
Sailor hurries off the couch and hugs him.
“Thank you. You’ve been a rock for me this year.”
Squeezing her tight, he clenches his eyes shut, and I sense that something’s off with him. He seems happy but sad at the same time.
We’ll have to continue our conversation after he’s had some rest, but right now, I want to know how Sailor’s doing and find out what will happen next. I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sailor
Me: I wish you were at this appointment with us.
Elliott: I’m sorry. It’s killing me, too, but you’re in good hands with Jake.
Sighing, I shove my phone in my purse and tap my foot.
“Were you texting Elliott?” Jake asks.
“Yep. I need to accept that he’s a busy doctor. It means he’s going to miss some important moments, right?”
“One of us will always be there for you.” He picks up my hand and kisses it. “I imagine you’re going to worry after what happened with your first pregnancy, so we’ll visit this office every week if need be.”
“What if I lose this one, too?”
“You won’t. What happened with the umbilical cord rarely occurs.”
“How do you know? Did you look it up?”
“Yeah, and I discovered many disturbing facts about pregnancy. Your body gets put through hell.” He shudders in his chair, and I giggle.
“You’re so sweet.”
My name is called by a medical assistant waiting to take us to a room. As soon as I told the receptionist I lost my first baby, she got me in for an appointment right away.
Jake follows me and stands uncomfortably in the hallway while my weight and height are taken. Once we’re in the exam room, where he can sit again, he exhales a heavy breath.
He’s cute when he’s nervous, but I feel a little bad for him. I was the one stressing in the waiting room, but now that our situation is getting real, he’s losing his cool and confidence.
The medical assistant enters my history into a laptop before directing me to a bathroom where I’m instructed to pee in a cup.
It’s not long before I’m in a paper gown and waiting impatiently for the doctor. Jake’s doing the same, bouncing his knee and looking at posters on the wall of embryos and the female anatomy.
The heavy door opens, and my obstetrician enters.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Strouse.” Her glasses, along with her chestnut hair in a bun, give her a distinguished, uptight appearance, but at least her smile is comforting.
“Hi, I’m Sailor, and this is my boyfriend Jake.”
“Nice to meet you both. Let’s get started. First, the urine test did come back positive, so you are indeed pregnant.” I glance to Jake, and I’m happy to see him smile back at me. Dr. Strouse goes over my history, and I can’t help but become teary-eyed when I speak of my first delivery.
“Based on the cause of your stillbirth, I don’t believe this pregnancy is high risk, but I understand your concern, so we can keep a close eye on you with added visits and more ultrasounds. We’ll even start with one today. If all is well, you should be able to hear your baby’s heartbeat.”
I take a glimpse of Jake again, and his eyes widen, the nervousness and excitement evident in them. If only Elliott were here to experience this, too…
Elliott
“I’m sorry, Dr. Roberts, but I do suspect it’s lung cancer. We’ll need to do a biopsy to confirm it. Have you experienced symptoms in any other parts of your body?”
“I’ve had headaches, but I think they’re due to the constant coughing and long hours at work. I haven’t had pain anywhere else besides my chest and lungs.”
Dr. Miller nods as he sits across from me in the examining room of his office. The furrowing of his brow indicates my response is not what he had hoped for.
He’s in his mid-fifties, his dark hair beginning to grey, and Dr. Raynard swears he’s the best oncologist in the area from his many years of experience. I trust her, so that means I trust him, too.
“As a physician, I imagine you have an idea of what lies ahead, so I’ll be upfront with you. Since you’re having the headaches, we’re going to skip past an MRI and perform a PET scan instead. This will give us clearer images of the mass in your lung, and it will also show if the cancer has metastasized—”
“You mean possible cancer.”
He clasps his hands on his desk and sighs.
“Correct.” That wasn’t convincing in the least. “We won’t know for sure until we have the results of your tests. My scheduling department will contact you to set up your PET scan and biopsy, and we’ll start on your blood work today.”
Standing, he reaches out his hand. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances, Dr. Roberts. Dr. Raynard spoke highly of you. I want you to know, whatever the diagnosis, we’ll tackle it aggressively.”
“I’ll be ready. Thank you.”
***
Still doubting whether this is a good idea, I ring the doorbell and shove my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket. No, this was a terrible idea. I begin to turn around to leave, but the porch light comes on, and the door opens.
“Elliott, hi,” Nicole says.
“Hi. Are you busy? I was wondering if we could talk.”
She glances over her shoulder. “Actually, I have company.”
“I should’ve called first. Sorry to interrupt.” I start to leave, but she grabs my arm.
“Wait, did you get your chest X-ray?”
“Yeah, but don’t worry about it.”
“No, come in. I only need a minute to see my guest out.”
Regretting my decision to show up here, and wondering why in the hell I did, I step inside and wait in her small foyer. I hear voices in the living room before a man comes down the hallway with Nicole. Not stopping for introductions, he glares at me and leaves.
“Nicole, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He’s the Wall Street guy I was telling you about. The one whom I suspect is stringing me along. He can afford to get a little jealous.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That a friend needed me.”
“Thanks.” We walk to the living room, and she turns off her television.
“So, what brings you here?” Sitting sideways on the sofa, she tucks one of her legs under her and motions for me to sit, too. I notice she’s wearing skinny jeans and a long mustard-yellow sweater, instead of her dress clothes, and it makes me curious about her job.
“Are you still in finance at that holding company?”
“Elliott…” She rolls her eyes. “Yes, I’m still employed there. What happened with your test?”
Finding it hard to breathe, I lean my head back against the cushion. Nicole will be the first person I tell, and I guess I’m needing to share the news with someone who won’t take it so hard.
“I likely have lung cancer.”
Covering her mouth, she moves across the sofa until she’s next to me.
“No, the test has to be wrong. You’ve never smoked, right? And you’re young and healthy. Well, you don’t look so healthy now, but you were.”
“Non-smokers get lung cancer, too, and my father smoked, so I was exposed to it secondhand. In addition to the X-ray, I had a CT scan and saw an oncologist today. He believes the tumor’s malignant.” Entwining our hands, Nicole nervously rubs mine with her thumb.
“I’m so sorry. What did Jake and Sailor say?”
I lift my head
and look away from her.
“They don’t know. I’ve been killing time, not wanting to go home.”
“This isn’t something you can keep from them.”
“I have to until I know what the outcome will be.”
“No, you need to tell the people who care about you so they can be there for you.”
I jerk my head to look at her. “I can’t tell them, OK? Sailor’s pregnant.”
Releasing my hand, Nicole twists her long hair and holds it up in the back. She rubs her forehead, and she’s making me nervous, too.
“Wow. Um, does she know who the father is?”
“No, but if Sailor finds out I’m sick, she’ll be upset, and it could harm the baby.”
“It’s unlikely that would happen.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand. You came here because you wanted someone to confide in. Talk to me.”
“I can’t discuss the past today. I have enough emotions wrecking me. It’s like they’re another cancer, eating me up inside. I fucking hate it. What I will tell you is that Sailor can’t lose this baby. She won’t survive it, and I won’t have that on my conscience.”
“She won’t forgive you if you hide this, either.”
“If it’s cancer, I’ll tell her, but I need to know how serious it is first and what the treatment will be. I can’t tell my mother or Jake, either, and I don’t feel close enough to my other friends to let them in on the news. You already knew I was getting the X-ray, so my first thought was to come here.”
“I’m glad you felt you could tell me.”
“I don’t deserve to lean on you, and that’s why I was going to leave after I rang your doorbell.”
“I’d like to think we’re friends, and friends should be there for each other. So, what happens next?”
“I’m scheduled to get a scan that will show if the possible cancer has spread. I also have to get a biopsy of my lungs. That will be the definitive test.”
“You need someone to support you through this.”
“I can handle it on my own.”
“If you truly believed that, you wouldn’t have come here. If you’re not going to tell Jake and Sailor yet, then you’re going to let me be there for you. I mean it, Elliott. I’m going to those appointments.”
“You’ll have to miss work.”
“I have flexibility on my job.”
“What about your mom?”
“She’s healing great. Stop looking for excuses, and let me help.”
***
I open the front door, and Sailor jumps from the couch. It looks like she and Jake have been watching television.
“Hi, why are you home?” She gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“I’m going to take a day or two off work to rest. I’m not feeling so great.”
“Yeah, I see that. When are you going to the doctor?”
“Soon. I made an appointment.”
She covers her chest. “Thank goodness you’re finally going. Dr. Raynard needs to stop writing you scripts for antibiotics when you don’t even know what the heck’s wrong.”
“I’m heading upstairs to rest.”
“OK… I was going to tell you about the baby, but it can wait.”
Fuck, how could I forget to ask? This illness is already interfering with my life, and she looks like a wounded puppy now.
“Shit, Sailor, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you about the appointment earlier today. Come upstairs and fill me in. I want to hear all about it.”
She grins, and I’m relieved she’s not upset with me.
“Hi, bro,” Jake says. “Sailor, make sure you show him the photo.”
“Oh, right.” She walks to the chair and digs in her purse. “We have a picture of the baby.”
“Already?”
“Yep. I mean, it doesn’t look much like a baby yet. Let’s go to your room so I can tell you about it while you rest.”
She follows me to my bedroom, and dropping my duffel bag on the floor, I remember I need to take my medications inside it before I go to sleep tonight. Sailor waits on my bed while I change into a pair of pajama pants.
“You’re so thin, and I don’t like those dark circles under your eyes. I’ll be glad when you see your doctor.”
Ignoring her concerns, I get in bed and exhale a long breath. It feels good to be home. I was exhausted today as I killed time before I could go to Nicole’s. I hung out in two different coffee shops when all I wanted to do was go to bed.
“OK, show me this photo.”
Sailor holds it in front of me and points.
“That’s our baby. See the little stubs for his or her arms and legs.”
Dammit, I want to cry, but I refuse, so I manage a smile instead.
“That’s remarkable.”
“I know. We even heard the heartbeat. I can’t wait for you to hear it, too. We have to make sure you can go to the next appointment.”
I was at the oncologist’s office while Sailor was learning about our baby. I bet she and Jake were both choked up by seeing this on the screen and hearing the heartbeat.
Fuck cancer.
“I’m nine weeks pregnant since they count back to the first day of my last period, and my due date is the thirteenth of September.”
Pulling Sailor on top of me, I hug her, not wanting her to see how torn up I am. What if I’m not here in September? What if Sailor’s left to have another baby without me? God, don’t let me die. If not for me, do it for Sailor.
She lifts her body and eyes me. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah.” I pinch the corners of my eyes. “I’m just really happy. We get another chance at having a family.”
“I was worried you’d be angry I was pregnant since you didn’t want kids.”
“I told you months ago that I wanted to have them with you.” I move hair off her pretty face so I can soak in the image and carry it with me for days to come. “Lie next to me. I want to hold you for a while.”
“I’ll sleep in here with you.”
“No, you should sleep with Jake. My coughing will only keep you up, and you need a lot of rest for the baby. Besides, what if I’m contagious?”
Even though it’s not true, I want to believe it.
“I would’ve been sick months ago if that were the case.”
“Sleep in his bed for me, all right?”
“You keep saying you’ll be fine, but my gut tells me something different. Please, don’t cancel your doctor’s appointment.”
“I won’t, baby. Now, lie here with me. I need to feel your skin against mine.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Jake
“Are you sure that’s the best way to handle this?” I ask Elliott in the kitchen.
“Yep.” He fills a glass with water and downs a handful of pills.
“What if the baby’s yours? Are we supposed to spring that on the Lockwoods after the birth?”
“Yep.”
“Could you please give more than one word answers? This is a serious matter.”
He scratches the back of his head. “Sailor shouldn’t get stressed out while she’s pregnant. If she tells her parents she’s seeing both of us and doesn’t know who the father is, they’ll make her feel like shit. She’ll cry and feel guilty, and neither one is good for her or the baby.
“Trust me on this. They’re already going to have a difficult time hearing that Sailor’s pregnant out of wedlock … again. The last thing we need is for them to find out I’m in the picture, too.”
He points at me. “Oh, and you better lay on the charm thick with her mother. Since you’re not approved pedigree, it’s the only chance you’ve got at being accepted.”
“Way to build up my confidence, bro. Fine, we’ll give them the news in doses, but someday we’re going to have to tell them about you.”
“Maybe,” he replies, “or maybe not.”
“What does that mean?”
Walking out of the kitche
n, he mumbles, “Nothing.” He’s been acting so strangely.
***
I try to straighten my arms as I grip the steering wheel. This tan blazer is tight at my elbows, and my navy pants are squeezing my nutsack.
“You’re fidgeting, which means you’re nervous,” Sailor says from the passenger seat.
“I’m hot.”
“It’s eighteen degrees outside.”
“OK, I’m hot and fidgety because I’m nervous.”
She rubs my shoulder. “It’s going to be fine, but if it’s not going well, we’ll leave. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve walked out on my parents.”
“That makes me feel so much better.”
“You’ve been asking since November to meet them.”
“That was before we had to tell them you’re pregnant, as well.”
“We don’t have to share the news tonight. I can do it over the phone another time.”
Taking her hand, I bring it to my lips and kiss it.
“No, I want to tell them in person that even though I don’t have money, or an Ivy League education, I will always be there for you and our baby. They don’t have to like me, but I’m not leaving until I say those words.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Pulling into a parking garage off Madison Avenue, I hand the keys over to the valet, and Sailor and I begin our short walk to the restaurant.
She grips her navy dress coat more snugly around her neck, so I pull her closer to my side and think about how she coordinated her outfit to match mine. This is the first time I can recall her doing it, so I’m curious if she dressed the part to please her mother.
I hold the door open to the restaurant, and once inside, I discover it’s a classy establishment. Thanks to my aunt and uncle, and Thatcher, too, I’ve dined at some upscale places, but this restaurant exceeds them all.
“I see they’re already seated,” Sailor mumbles before she speaks to the host. I take in the twenty-foot ceilings, white moldings, and the ornate light fixtures that dangle over the tables.
