by Ruby Rowe
“How are you handling all the testosterone out there?” I ask Nicole as I dump a bag of chips in an empty bowl.
“Actually, I wish I had more of it at the moment.” She glances around like she’s ensuring we’re alone. “I’m having terrible cramps. I think I might be starting my period soon, so I thought I better take precautions. Do you have any tampons?”
“Sure. There are some under the sink in the bathroom upstairs. This is weird to say, but I think you left them here.”
She blushes. “Oh, right. I never did get the last of my things. I’ll go grab one then. Thanks, Sailor, and I appreciate you having me over. I hope it hasn’t been uncomfortable for you.”
“Not at all. I’m glad you and Elliott are able to be friends.”
“Yeah, so am I, and you must be pretty special. I’m blown away by how much he’s changed.”
Ugh, she’s still in love with him. Her daydreamy expression as she thinks of my handsome man is a dead giveaway.
“I sometimes say he’s changed, too, but what really happened was he found himself again. Elliott’s always been amazing; he just lost sight of it.”
Nodding toward the other room, she says, “I better go upstairs.”
“Right. Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Thanks.”
I don’t know why I opened up to her about Elliott. I guess I needed her to know he’s always been a good guy and didn’t mean to hurt her. Elliott deserves for her to hear it from someone other than himself.
I can’t believe I had to direct her to her own tampons. How awkward. Wait … what day is it–no, what month is it? It’s the first week of February, and my last period was … December.
Oh, no.
Elliott
I stare up at the ceiling from my bed, wishing I didn’t feel like I was run over by a subway train. Why can’t I get well? All the antibiotics I’ve taken haven’t done shit, and I wouldn’t have a virus this long.
The more recent symptoms I’ve developed have me fearing the worst, and it’s why I’ve avoided getting my lungs checked. Life’s finally good, and I don’t want to know if there’s something that’s going to screw it up.
I should be downstairs with my buddies, yelling at the TV and drinking beer, but instead, I was counting down to halftime so I could escape to my room and lie down.
Feeling another coughing fit stirring, I sit up at the side of my bed and hack up a fucking lung. I can’t stop.
“Elliott, are you OK?” I hear Nicole ask from outside the door. I try to tell her I’m fine, but it’s hard to get the words out as she peeks inside.
Feeling something running down my fist that I’m holding to my mouth, I pull my hand down and look at it.
Holy shit. Not again.
“Elliott!” Nicole pushes my door wide open and hurries to my side. “Oh, my God. Let me grab a washcloth.” She runs into my bathroom, and she shouldn’t be in here. Sailor would flip if she saw.
Of course, she’d flip more if she spotted the blood running from my mouth and the teaspoon of it I’m holding in my hand.
Nicole is back in no time, and takes over, pushing my other hand away when I try to clean up the blood. I smell her rose scent, but it’s soon masked by the taste of metallic in my mouth.
“I’ve got it,” she says. “How long has this been happening?”
“Not long.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “Elliott, be truthful.”
“Only a couple of weeks, but I’ve been sick since fall.”
“OK, I’m not a doctor, but blood is bad, right?”
“Yeah … it’s bad.” I take the washcloths from her.
“You have to get this checked out. Promise me you will.”
“All right, Mom.”
She sits next to me on the bed. “Do Sailor and Jake know?”
“No, and you can’t tell them. I’ll do it if it’s necessary. They worry too much as it is.”
“That’s because they care. I do, too, so promise me again that you’ll get your lungs checked and will call me when you find out the results.”
“I promise, and thanks for helping me out. You should probably go before Sailor shows up.”
“As long as you’re sure you’re all right.”
I stand from the bed, needing to get to the bathroom to clean up.
“I’m fine. Thanks again.”
I’m likely not fine, but I’ll keep telling myself that until I’m forced to accept otherwise.
Elliott
“I need to speak with you,” Dr. Raynard says close to my ear by the nurses’ station. Her tone is solemn, and I feel the weight of it in the air. I turn my head to look at her, and the concern in her eyes confirms what I suspected; my chest X-ray from this morning was abnormal.
“Page me the second Mr. Dunlap’s labs come back,” I say to one of the nurses before I follow Dr. Raynard down the hall and into an office the attending physicians share in the ER.
As she sits in the rolling chair, I slump onto the leather loveseat, and it pisses me off that I’m exhausted before noon.
“Pneumonia, right? Must be a resistant bacterium, so we’ll need to try a stronger antibiotic regimen.”
“Elliott, there’s a spot on your right upper lobe. It looks like a mass.”
“Maybe it’s a benign nodule.”
“Possibly…
“I’ve never smoked.”
“You know that doesn’t matter. I managed to get you in for a CT scan at one today. Here’s the radiologist’s preliminary report.” She hands over the paper, but I don’t bother reading it. I can’t get caught up in the what-ifs.
“I can’t receive preferential treatment over other patients.”
“You save lives every day. That makes your health a priority. Have you had other symptoms besides the cough, the weight loss and bloody phlegm?”
I failed to tell her this morning that it was straight-up blood I’ve been coughing up lately.
“Fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain.”
“You can’t brush this off.”
“I know. I’ll take the test.”
“If the radiologist suspects cancer, I’ll get you in to an oncologist immediately. We’re going to get to the bottom of this and fast, but you need to go home and rest after the CT.
“You look rough, Elliott, and your cough has the staff nervous. I can’t risk having you cough up blood on a patient, either.” Retrieving a prescription pad from the pocket of her lab coat, she scribbles on a few sheets. “I’ll call you with the results this afternoon.”
“I can’t blow my residency.”
“I won’t let that happen. You have a gift with medicine I seldom see, Dr. Roberts, but your health comes first. You can’t save lives if you don’t save your own. Here…” She hands me the prescriptions. “These will help with your symptoms. Now, go eat something, and then lie down until your test. I’ve got the ER covered.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sailor
“Carrie, I can’t get out of my car,” I say as I stare at the home I finally feel is my own.
“And you can’t simply ignore this, either.”
“As much as I want to have another baby one day, this is the worst possible time. If I’m pregnant and it’s Elliott’s, I could lose Jake for good. We haven’t been back together long enough for him to handle this kind of news. He promised he wouldn’t leave again, but he also believes I’ll someday have his baby first. Not Elliott’s baby now.”
I smack the steering wheel. “I don’t even know how this happened. I’ve not missed a single birth control pill, and I even have an alarm set on my phone to take them at the same time each day.”
“The how isn’t what’s important right now. It’s the yes or no, so get upstairs and pee on that damn stick.”
“OK, I’m going, but excuse me if I’m afraid to find out I’m pregnant, along with having no idea w
ho the father is.” I can’t mention the other reason I’m terrified, or the tears will come and not stop. Samuel…
“I’ll call you as soon as I pee.” Hanging up on her, I trudge to the elevator, and once again, I feel like I’m climbing Everest. Elliott went back to work today, and Jake shouldn’t be home for a couple of hours, so at least that gives me privacy.
If it’s positive, do I tell Jake first? He’ll freak out the most. Then again, Elliott might flip since he doesn’t seem as interested in having kids.
I swear, we’re probably the worst participants of a polyamorous relationship in all of history. The. Worst.
Dropping all my stuff on the bed in the spare room, I rip open the multipack box of pregnancy tests and take three into the hall bathroom, along with my cell phone.
I have this ridiculous theory that if I take the tests in a neutral bathroom, rather than in one of the guys, the results will be negative. I’m dreaming, anyway, instead of dwelling on the fact that my stomach has been roiling for weeks, my boobs have been sensitive, and I missed my January period.
Exhaling a heavy breath, I pull my pants down and pee on the stick, being mindful to save some urine for the next test. I lay it on the counter and call Carrie.
“Hello,” she says.
“Dammit, this one takes five minutes for results, but it spells out the words pregnant or not pregnant, and I want that kind of clear-cut answer.”
“Did you already pee on it?”
“Yes, and it’s sitting on the counter, mocking me with its internal clock. I’m so scared.” My chest begins to pound, and I feel hot all over. Nausea swells inside of me next. “Oh, no. I’m going to puke.” Holding the phone to my stomach, I hurl into the commode. This is not a good sign.
Once I think I’m finished, I wipe my mouth with a tissue and pull the sweater off that’s over my dress blouse. Shit, I’m burning up.
“Are you still there?” I ask.
“You know puking’s not in your favor, right?”
“Yes. I have been down this road before.”
“Right. Does it say anything yet?”
“I’m not looking until it’s been five minutes.”
She groans. “The wait is agonizing.”
“How do you think I feel?”
“Sailor, you’ve been living it up, overindulging at Dickfest for months now. Are you really that surprised? A baby isn’t the worst thing that could happen. An STD, now that would be worse.”
“Shut it. I’m going to look.” Dropping the phone on the counter, with the hope that the loud sound hurts Carrie’s ears, I close my eyes and pick up the test.
I hear her jabbering as I take a few deep breaths and ward off the bile that’s once again rising in my throat.
Here goes…
After I’ve read the one and only word on the screen, the test slips from my fingers and hits the floor. I pick up my phone.
“Carrie, I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, damn.”
There’s a knock on the bathroom door, startling me.
“Shit, I have to go.” I end the call and crack the door open.
“Elliott, what are you doing home?”
“You’re pregnant?”
An ellipse has darkened his deep-set grey eyes, the lustrous azure halo normally surrounding them absent. Elliott doesn’t look panicked; he looks … defeated.
“I only took one test. Maybe it’s wrong.”
“Then take it again,” he says harshly.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe.
“Sailor, I said take another damn test.”
Turning with my tail between my legs, I shut the door and lean back against it. The tears come like they so often do, and as much as I want to slide down this door and forget that Elliott’s waiting on the other side of it, I open another pregnancy test instead.
Elliott
Don’t be a dick.
This is my chance to be the man Sailor desperately needed years ago, but what if I only get to be that man for months? What if I’m going to die soon?
The lack of control I feel infuriates me. Fighting the urge to punch the door, I do my best to breathe out the anger wishing to boil over.
Hearing her sob escape, I have the answers to all the pivotal tests from today. Only minutes before Sailor arrived, Dr. Raynard called to give me the grave news about my CT scan. Leaning my head back, I look above me.
“Please, God, don’t hurt Sailor again. She doesn’t fucking deserve it.” My eyes water, so I drag a hand down my face, taking my defying tears with it. Finding the little strength I have left in me, I open the door and go to her.
She turns to me, and I’m already a bastard. A fearful gaze wouldn’t be staring back at me if I’d reacted differently in the first place.
“Baby, it’s OK. We’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t know what went wrong. I’m so sorry.”
I grab her face. “I told you months ago to never say you’re sorry again, and you should never have to apologize for bringing a life into this world. Whether it’s mine or Jake’s, everything’s going to be all right.”
What a lie that is, but she can’t hear the truth.
Sobbing, she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face against my chest.
“Jake’s going to leave. Elliott, I just got him back, and now he’s going to leave for good.”
“He won’t. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure that doesn’t happen.”
Fuck, I have to do everything in my power… He can’t walk away when I may have no choice but to leave.
“Come on. Lie down with me. When Jake gets home, I’ll tell him.” That’s the least I can do for her. I’ll do all I can in case I can’t do more later.
She lies in the middle of my bed, and I spoon with her, bringing her back against my body. I rest my hand on her stomach, imagining the tiny life inside it.
I can’t believe I’m thinking this, and I sure as hell don’t want to be, but this baby has to be Jake’s. He or she has to be.
Jake
I walk into the house after work, and it’s quiet. I don’t find Sailor downstairs, but I saw that her Mercedes was here, so I walk up the staircase and notice Elliott’s door open.
He has Sailor wrapped in his arms, but his head is lifted, and he’s staring at me over her. Holding a finger to his lips, he signals for me not to speak.
Taking the hint, I trot back downstairs. I’m disappointed. I thought Elliott was working today, so I assumed I’d have Sailor to myself. Reaching the bottom step, I hear him behind me, so I turn around.
“What’s going on?” I ask. He rubs his forehead, and man, he looks like hell. The dude seriously needs a checkup.
“I have to tell you something. Sit down.” I walk over to the couch, and he takes the chair. Resting his elbows on his knees, he laces his fingers, squeezing until his knuckles are white. “Fuck, I don’t know how to say this.”
“After everything we’ve been through, I think I can handle it.”
“When I tell you, please don’t fucking leave. I need you to stay as much as Sailor needs you to.”
“Damn, whatever it is, say it.”
“Sailor’s pregnant.”
After staring at him a few seconds, I clutch the back of my neck.
“No, that can’t be right. She’s on birth control.”
“She took two tests.”
“Fuck. Talk about being tested…”
“She’s terrified you’re going to leave.”
“I guess she has a reason to think that, but I won’t.”
“Even if it’s mine?”
Falling back on the couch, I clear my tightening throat.
“She’s told me more than once how careful she is with her pills. Dammit, we should’ve never stopped using condoms.”
“Answer me, Jake. If the baby’s mine, will you leave her?”
“No. I promised this time, and I won’t break my promise.” I lift my head. “I’ve been gone for
weeks, so it’s pretty likely it’s yours.”
“She said she missed her period in early January, so she thinks it happened before you left. It could be either of ours.”
“Great. We get to wonder for months.” I shake my head.
“Sailor said there’s a blood test she can take once she’s at least eight weeks pregnant. The baby’s DNA will show up in her bloodstream, and they can match it to the father’s. We’ll have to get our mouths swabbed for the samples.”
“Sure, and we can pay for the test with the royalties from our reality show. I’m sure people all over the world would enjoy watching this drama play out.”
“I’m frustrated, too, and I know this won’t be easy, but we have to step up and be there for Sailor. Regardless of genetics, I’m going to believe this baby is all three of ours. You’ve got to believe it, too. If you’re not capable of doing that, it’s going to destroy Sailor.”
“If the baby’s yours, you’ll really let me help raise it?”
“I’m scared shitless, Jake. Of course, you can help. We’ll be a team.”
“I’ll do the same if it’s mine.”
“Yeah?” He seems a little surprised, too, and that’s my damn fault.
“Of course. Maybe we shouldn’t find out who the father is.”
“Maybe. I have a feeling we’d be able to tell, though. I mean, we look completely different. If Sailor pushes out a blond-headed baby, I think we’ll have our answer.”
He laughs, and I try to imagine what our kid will look like. I can’t help but picture it with Elliott’s blond hair, giving away what I already feel in my gut. But, that’s OK. Surely, I can feel like it’s mine, too, especially if I’m there through it all.
“What are you two laughing about?” Sailor asks as she pads toward us, seeming reluctant to come closer.
“Elliott told me the news, and we were joking about how the baby’s hair color will probably be a sure giveaway of who the father is.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No, come here.” Biting her lip, she walks the rest of the way over and sits at my side. “I’m happy, and it doesn’t matter who the father is. The three of us are going to raise it.”
