by Ruby Rowe
Elliott
“Can you stop tapping your foot?” I ask Jake. “And can you stop chewing on your lip?” I give Sailor a look of warning, and she lowers her head.
“I’m scared,” she murmurs. Putting my arm around her in the oncologist’s waiting room, I pull her against me.
“This is why I wanted you and Jake to stay home.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be strong for you.” She sits up straight with her chin tilted, but she can’t fool me, and neither can Jake, who hasn’t spoken since we got here twenty minutes ago.
“Elliott Roberts,” a nurse says from the door leading back to the exam rooms. I never thought I’d be in an oncologist’s office, waiting to hear the fate of my existence.
Reaching the door, I glance over my shoulder at Jake and Sailor. Their eyes are glued to mine, and they look like scared, little kittens.
“Come on,” I say with a sigh as I nod for them. They’re both on their feet in a flash and follow me down the hallway, but instead of seating us in an exam room, the older female nurse takes us into Dr. Miller’s office.
“Let me grab another chair,” she says before she leaves us alone in the room. Sailor and I sit, and once the nurse returns, Jake takes the chair from her and places it in the corner, somewhat behind us.
It’s silent, and shit just got a whole lot of real.
I stare at the clock above Dr. Miller’s desk. From hearing the ticking sounds, I imagine a bomb with red numbers counting down. The seconds are getting closer and closer to zero, and the doc needs to come in this damn room before my heart explodes. My ears are ringing–chest tightening…
The door opens, and Dr. Miller walks in. He looks at each of us, so I block out my panic to do the introductions.
“Good morning,” he says.
“Hi, Dr Miller. This is my girlfriend, Sailor, and this is my good friend Jake.”
“It’s nice to meet you both,” he replies after shaking Sailor’s and Jake’s hands. As he sits behind his desk, I notice Jake huddling back in his corner. Dr. Miller opens a file and turns to the computer on his right where he begins pecking the keyboard.
“Let’s go over your test results. Shall we?” He glances over and smiles. “Your sodium and potassium levels were slightly below normal, but overall, your blood work looks good.
“Now, your PET scan and biopsy...” Swiveling to face us, he removes his glasses and clasps his hands on his desk. I know that look, his posture, and the preparedness to deliver bad news.
“Unfortunately, the tumor in the upper lobe of your right lung is malignant. It’s non-small cell … adenocarcinoma. The good news is that the PET scan did not show the cancer metastasizing to other major organs in the body.”
Sailor laces our hands together, but I don’t want to feel anything.
“What stage?” I ask.
“From the PET scan and bronchoscopy, Dr. Hernandez and I agree that some of the lymph nodes in your lungs may be malignant, as well, especially since you’re experiencing symptoms, which is unusual in early stages. If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, then I would say at least stage two.”
“Stage two is better than a higher number, though, right?” Sailor asks with a positive tone.
“Yes, it is, but Elliott, you’ll need surgery immediately. I’ve consulted with a thoracic surgeon, and he recommends an open lobectomy, which would consist of removing the entire right upper lobe.
“One positive is the cancer was caught before surgery wasn’t an option. The benefits of a lobectomy greatly offset the immediate risk from the surgery, especially since you’re still young and overall healthy.”
“Does this mean you can remove all the cancer with that one surgery?” Sailor asks.
“We can’t say for certain until the procedure. If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, I recommend chemotherapy in addition to the surgery. It will depend on the results of the margins, as well.”
“Margins, what are those?”
“I’ll explain it to you later,” I say harshly.
“I’m sorry. I’m only trying to understand. I need to know you’re going to be OK.”
“There’s no way to know that right now, so there’s no need to keep talking about it.”
“Elliott, it’s one question,” Jake says.
Sailor releases my hand, and I feel that familiar need to punch a wall. I’m not angry at her, but I am angry, and that means it’s best I deal with this alone.
“The margin is the border, the edge of the tissue, excised during surgery,” Dr. Miller says. “If the margin is negative, that means no malignancy was detected, so it’s likely all the cancer was removed. A positive margin means there are cancer cells on the edge of the tissue, suggesting that there is still cancer in the body.”
“OK, thank you.”
“Elliott, although this is not the diagnosis we had hoped for, your recovery looks promising, and it appears you have people who love and support you. Please, let them. It takes a village to fight cancer, and not all tribe members should be medical professionals. Now, we’ll need to get you in right away for a consult with the surgeon. Do you have any other questions?”
Sailor shakes her head no, but she’s lying. I’ve made her afraid to ask them, and it’s the reason why handling problems on my own is the better route. No one else gets hurt in the process.
“How long will I be in the hospital after surgery?”
“I estimate five to seven days.”
“That’s a lot,” I mumble.
“You’ll be on a ventilator at first and have a chest tube for a few days.”
“Those ventilators help breathe for you, right?” Jake asks.
“Yes.”
“That sounds serious.”
“It is an invasive surgery, but I feel confident Elliott is healthy enough to handle it. Dr. Carr is a highly respected thoracic surgeon.”
“OK, I think that covers everything since I can read my own test results,” I say. “Thank you, Dr. Miller.” I stand, and Jake and Sailor follow suit. I want the hell out of here.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Sailor
“I’m pretty sure he broke some shit,” Jake says at the bottom of the staircase. He walks over to the couch and sits next to me. “I think he destroyed his lamp. It sounded like glass shattering up there.”
“What should we do?”
“Give him space. He’s angry, and seeing you is only going to remind him of all he has to lose.”
“That’s sad.”
“It’s reality.”
“No, Dr. Miller seemed positive about his recovery.”
“Yeah, but Elliott deals with sickness and death every day. He has a clear vision of what to expect from his illness. We also can’t forget that he’s a glass half-empty kind of guy.”
“It’s going to be a rough road, but I know he can beat this.”
“He needs time to cool off and accept the news. Then, I believe he’ll fight like hell. It may seem like the worst time to be having a baby, but I think it’s the best. It gives Elliott a monumental reason not to give up.”
“What if the baby’s yours and it sets him back?”
“It’s his.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” He grins. “You think it’s a girl, so it has to be his.”
“I’ve always loved how you’re able to find humor in the darkest of times. It makes me feel safe and have hope.”
Pulling me against his side, he kisses my head.
“I’ll always keep you safe.”
“Maybe I should stay here with Elliott instead of going to Maddie’s party this weekend.”
“Mads will be disappointed, and Elliott probably won’t let you, but I’ll understand if you need to stay home.”
“We’ll see. I was looking forward to taking her to the museum and celebrating her birthday. Someone else’s birthday will be rolling around soon. You’re going to be almost vintage.”
“What,
woman? Twenty-nine isn’t vintage, and neither is thirty.” Jake grabs my waist and tickles me until I change from squawking like a bird to holding my breath.
I’m on my back now as he covers my body with his and captures my mouth. I have to pull away to steal a breath before I can kiss him back.
Mmm … Jake’s moving his tongue sensually, sliding it along mine like butter on warm pancakes. He’s growing hard against my leg, and I feel a tingling between mine. He pushes between them, and I want to get lost in desire, but I think of Elliott, and it feels wrong. I nudge Jake’s chest to come up for air.
“We can’t.”
“Let’s go to my room.”
“I’ll feel guilty messing around after the news we received today.” Grimacing, he sits up and adjusts his jeans.
“We can’t stop living because of this.”
“I know, but we just found out, and what if he comes looking for us to talk?”
“Sailor, he’s furious. He’s not going to want to talk tonight.”
The doorbell rings... “I wonder who that is.” I say.
“I don’t know. I’ll go see.” He gets up and strides to the door. “Nicole, hi.”
“Hi. Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
I straighten my hair and clothes as she strolls inside, looking beautiful as ever with her glistening blond hair and legs that never end. Jake and I probably look like we’ve been fooling around.
“I’m sorry to drop by, but Elliott wouldn’t answer his phone, and I knew he was getting his test results today.”
“Yeah, he’s holed up in his room, refusing to talk to us,” Jake says. “I even heard him breaking shit.”
She winces. “That means he got bad news.”
“The tumor’s malignant,” I say. “Some of his lymph nodes may be, as well, but he doesn’t have cancer anywhere besides his lungs, so that’s promising.”
“What’s his treatment plan?” She sits down in the chair as if she needs to brace herself for the news.
“He’s having the right upper lobe of his lung removed and possibly chemo afterward.”
“Will that get rid of all the cancer?”
“They can’t guarantee he’ll get better, and whatever you do, don’t ask Elliott that. He’ll bite your head off.”
“Yes, I remember how he gets when he doesn’t want to talk about something.”
It bugs me that Nicole understands this side of him when I don’t. I’ve only been a guest to this Elliott show a few times. The young Elliott was kind, and the Elliott I’ve known since last fall has been even sweeter.
I shouldn’t do what I’m considering, but I want to see if she can get through to him in a way I can’t. Elliott needs to eat, too. He can’t afford to lose more weight.
“Would you mind trying to talk to him?” I ask. I glance to Jake, and he raises his eyebrows.
“Um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Nicole replies. “If he’s angry, he’ll throw me out like he used to.”
“I don’t think he will, and I’m desperate to get him to eat. He hasn’t consumed anything since breakfast, and he needs to take his medication.”
“Are you sure?” She scrunches her forehead and nose. A cute forehead and nose. I don’t think there’s an unattractive body part on this woman.
“Yes, maybe you could get through to him. Tell him Jake cooked his favorite cheeseburgers.” Laying her purse in the chair, Nicole takes off her coat.
Yep, there’s not an unattractive part anywhere the eyes can see. I’m going to imagine there are some pockets of cellulite beneath those tight grey skinny jeans.
“OK, if you’re sure.”
After I give her what has become my signature tight-lipped smile, she leaves us alone.
“What are you doing?” Jake asks.
“You heard what I said. He needs to eat.”
“You’re going to be upset if he listens to her. Are you trying to torture yourself?”
“It’s imperative that he eats and takes his medication. If she can make that happen, it’s worth it.”
“That’s not all this is about, and you know it, but I’ll leave it alone for now. Today’s been complicated enough.”
Elliott
“Alexa, am I going to die?” I ask from my bed.
“I’m not able to give medical advice.”
“Right, you’re not a doctor, so I respect that; however, we’re all going to fucking die. Well, you’re not. You and your creepy companions from Zon will someday rule the word.”
Someone knocks on the door, and I groan.
“I said I don’t want to talk, and I’m a grown-ass man who will eat when I’m ready.”
“Elliott, it’s Nicole.”
I shoot up in bed. What is she doing here?
“Come in.” Nicole peeks inside, likely checking to ensure it’s me and not the monster within, transforming my face into some disfigured, scary creature.
She finally walks in and leaves the door barely cracked open. “Does Sailor know you’re here?”
“Yeah, she’s the one who asked me to talk to you. I stopped by since you wouldn’t answer my calls or text messages. I was worried about you and what you heard at your doctor’s appointment.”
“Sorry. I haven’t been in the mood to talk.” Moving to the side of the bed, I mess with my hair and adjust my grey sweats.
“Jake and Sailor aren’t out of line, you know. They’re worrying like anyone else who loves someone battling an illness. I’m worried, too.”
“I know, but I feel all this pressure from them to fight this when I only found out hours ago. What if I can’t beat it? The whole situation makes me feel weak, and them coddling me isn’t helping any.”
She strolls over and sits next to me. “You’re right. You deserve some space to process what’s happening and to feel angry about it. It’s a huge negative change in your life.”
She looks around my room. “I don’t believe I would’ve chosen to break a lamp, but I get why you’d be furious. It’s not fair. For that reason, I’m going to leave. I’ll tell Sailor and Jake that you’ll eat when you’re ready.”
She starts to get up, but I grab her arm. “Don’t go. You’re the first person to understand.”
“Yeah, but I also haven’t been living with you for years like Jake has, and I’m not carrying your baby like Sailor. They need to give you space and time, but you still need to show them respect, meaning don’t be mean to them.”
I shake my head. “You’ve never been afraid to put me in my place. I’m surprised you tolerated my shit for as long as you did.”
“Love does that. It can make a person blind to their self-worth, along with the truth that’s been right in front of them since day one.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize again.”
“I feel like I do. Maybe this cancer is my punishment for all the shit I’ve done wrong. My dad repeatedly told me I’d be a fuckup my whole life.”
“You’re not a fuckup.”
I unleash my pain through a sob that’s been building for weeks, held at bay only by the anger that gives a false appearance of a strength I don’t possess–a fight I’m not sure I have in me. I fear this cancer more than I feared my father. For that reason, I’m struggling to find hope.
Nicole pulls me to her chest and strokes my hair. I’m selfish, accepting her affection and concern, but it’s because I’m weak, both physically and mentally. Jake and Sailor need more from me today, and I don’t have it in me to give.
“Nicole, I’m scared. I ran Jake and Sailor out of the oncologist’s office because I didn’t want them to know the truth; this surgery is risky, and on top of it, the cancer could return. I may not be able to battle it forever.”
Sailor
Crouching in front of me outside of Elliott’s room, Jake looks into my eyes.
“Come on. Hearing this isn’t good for you.” He grasps my arm, but I jerk free.
“S
he said love causes us to be blind to the truth. Maybe I’ve been blind for thinking he didn’t love her. Maybe he’s been blind, too.” My lip quivers as I lean my head back against the wall. Realizing I’m not going anywhere, Jake sits next to me.
“I don’t know how he feels about her, but what I do know is he’ll always love you.” He clutches my knee. “And I’m never going anywhere. I’ll love you until I take my last breath. I promise.”
Hearing Elliott cry harder, I squeeze my eyes shut. I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but suspicion and doubt led me straight up the stairs, and now I’m hanging on to every word I hear.
“We need to go,” Jake says.
Coughing twice, Elliott’s cries subside. All four of us sit in silence, and my mind races with questions. Is he staring into her eyes? Is he holding her hand? Does he wish he could kiss her?
“Elliott,” Nicole says, “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. I think love’s blinding me from the truth a second time, and my heart can’t take being broken twice.”
“Shit,” Jake mumbles. “Come on.” Jumping to his feet, he grabs my hands to pull me up. We take the stairs as quietly as we can and go straight into his bedroom.
After shutting the door, he hugs me, and his muscular arms and warm chest remind me I’m safe and loved. “I’ve got you,” he whispers in my ear, “and I won’t ever let go.”
“Even if Payton’s his?”
“I’ll love her because she’s a part of you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Jake
“Sailor’s been spending a lot of time in your room,” Elliott says as he sits on the couch. “I told her the other day I was sorry for being hateful, but she’s barely looked me in the eyes since.”
I’ve been on the fence about telling him what we heard between him and Nicole. It wasn’t our place to eavesdrop, but it seems wise that we did. We realized Elliott needs our patience. We were also warned that trouble could be brewing.
I look toward the hallway to ensure Sailor won’t hear. She’s getting ready for our outing with my niece. It’s one of the many we gave her for Christmas. We’re also celebrating Maddie’s birthday at my parents’ home afterward.
