by Ruby Rowe
“I am trying to get Elliott and Nicole together.”
I turn my head. “Explain.”
“He loves her.”
“You don’t know for sure, so why aren’t you fighting for him even a little bit?”
“I can’t, OK? I can’t because I only want to be with you.”
After gazing into her sincere eyes, I sit up in bed. She sits up, too, and as she presses her lips against my bare shoulder, I have a flashback to the day I discovered she had feelings for Elliott. We were sitting on my bed, and she was swearing she didn’t want anything to change between us.
“Unless you mean that with every fiber of your being, take it back.” I shake my head. “I remember all the times I prayed like hell that you’d say those words to me, but hearing them now … while Elliott’s sick, makes me feel guilty as shit.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to complicate our lives further or hurt him.”
Turning my body to face her, I cup her cheeks.
“Sailor, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to say this because you’re worried about Elliott leaving. You’re not going to end up alone.”
“I’m not saying it for that reason. I told you weeks ago I was feeling this way about you.” She palms my hands over her cheeks. “When you left after Christmas, it was as if you took all of me with you and left an empty shell. Elliott couldn’t fill it. He wasn’t enough, but if it had been the other way around, I believe you would’ve been.”
“Fuck, Sailor.”
“Yesterday wasn’t like any other day for us, either, and you know it. We both felt it, the indescribable connection between us. Then, the way we made love all night was different than any experience I’ve had with Elliott.
“After that, I knew our love was stronger. I can’t deny it anymore, and if I’m honest, I think I’ve been nudging Elliott her direction ever since his biopsy because it would create an outcome that would prevent any of us from getting our hearts broken.”
“What about Elliott? I don’t want to hurt him, especially while he’s sick, and I don’t want him thinking I orchestrated a way to make you mine.”
Sailor pulls my hands down and stares into my eyes.
“I’ll tell him everything soon, and I’ll make sure he knows we’re still going to be there throughout his recovery. A part of me will always love him, but my love for you is so much stronger.
“Our future plays in my mind like a beautiful movie, and there’s only one hero. He’s the most honorable man I know and deserves to believe his wife loves him with her whole heart.”
“Doll…” I push her back on the bed and claim her mouth. The adrenaline in my veins makes my heart thunder as I show her my appreciation.
Her arms tug on my neck, and our need to be closer climbs with every breath. Even after I strip off our clothes and press my naked skin against hers, it’s not enough. I can never get enough of Sailor. It’s why she was always meant to be mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Elliott
I’m bored out of my mind as I lie in Jake’s room in my adjustable bed. Thankfully, March Madness has helped. I do love watching sports.
There’s a tap on my door, so I say, “Come in.”
It slowly creaks open, and then I see her … Nicole.
“Hi,” she says. “Do you mind if I come in?”
“Not at all.” I begin to push on the bed to sit up, but remembering it’ll hurt like a bitch, I use the remote instead, only confirming that I’m in the shape of an eighty-year-old man right now.
“Jake and Sailor are watching a movie on the couch, so I figured it would be easier to see you in here.”
“You can move those clothes off that chair or sit on the bed.” If I’d known she was coming over, I would’ve had Jake or Sailor pick up in here. It’s a mess since they brought down a bunch of my clothes from upstairs.
I’m surprised when Nicole kicks off her shoes and climbs on the bed to sit next to me. I’m up higher since only my side is adjusted, but at least she’s close. To be funny, I hand her the remote. “Here, join me.”
Giggling, she takes it from my hand. We’re soon at the same height, so I smile at her and wiggle my eyebrows.
“What’s up? Are you seeing anyone? 'Cause I got a rockin’ bed just waiting for you.” I let out a sharp laugh. “It can’t get any sexier than this, right?”
Covering her mouth, she laughs. “Yeah, don’t do that. You have little game right now, but you’re cute at least.”
“I hope you’re not here to give me bad news. If so, that skit will be even more embarrassing.”
“That depends. If you can recall at least five things about me only people I’m close to would know, I’ll spend time with you.”
“Oh, I’ve got this.”
“I see you haven’t lost your cocky attitude.” She plays with a long spiral curl hanging over her chest.
“One, you play with your hair when you’re nervous.”
Rolling her eyes, she lowers her hand to her lap.
“That was an easy one.”
“Two, your favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough. Three, you won your county’s spelling bee in grade school. Let me think… Was it fourth grade?”
“Fifth, but that’s pretty close.”
“You wanted to be a professional actress after performing in high school plays, but your parents wouldn’t hear of it since you were incredibly smart. Instead, you ended up at Princeton.”
“You’re impressing me now. One more.”
“I’ll give you two since you thought the first one was so easy. You told me once that you had a low self-esteem as a kid. You thought you looked like an ostrich since you were tall and long-legged. If only that young girl had known she was going to turn into a gorgeous swan one day.”
“All right. You might have game in this bed after all.”
“Last, you still wear perfume that smells like rose petals. I’ve always liked it … a lot.”
We stare at each other, our lips closer than they should be. She must realize it, too, since she turns her head forward.
“Ugh. I guess this means I have to spend time with you when you’re so crippled and needy right now.”
“Hey, watch it. I’m getting better every day, and if I recall, I could pin you down in a hot second.”
Clearing her throat, she looks back at me.
“Are you still wanting to spend time with me, or has the narcotic fog dissipated and you’ve come to your senses?”
I stare at her full lips, and fuck, I want to kiss them.
“Yeah, I still want to spend time with you.” I sigh. “As much time as you’ll give me.”
“My analytical brain must’ve gone on vacation since I’m choosing to follow my stupid heart instead. She never learns, especially when it comes to you.”
“I’ll try not to hurt her this time.”
“I’m going to go, but I’ll be back.”
“When?”
“After you and Sailor have your heart-to-heart. Call me then.” Kissing my cheek, she climbs off the bed, and it looks like she’s leaving without a backward glance.
“Wait. How do you know we haven’t had the talk?”
She looks over her shoulder. “Because I know you, Elliott Roberts. You would’ve kissed me in your rockin’ bed if you had.”
Blushing, I grin. “Touché.”
Sailor
As soon as I open the door, I hear Elliott yelling. Actually, it’s more like a ferocious growl. I drop my purse and run to Jake’s room. Elliott’s in sweats and a t-shirt, enraged as he stands next to the bed.
“Hi, what’s wrong?”
“Get out.”
“No, I will not.” I fist my hips. “You’ve come a long way with opening up, but you continue to be hateful and shut people out when you’re angry. That’s when you need someone the most, so stop it. I know that’s not the person you want to be.”
He groans. “I’m fucking trying, Sailor, but
I’m sick of being an invalid. I got my staples out today, and I’m in worse pain than before.”
“That will pass. Why is your mom not here with you?”
“I sent her home. I imagine she was more than happy to leave after going to the doctor with me.” Climbing into bed, he takes a deep breath, and I can tell it hurts him.
“The lymph nodes were malignant, so I have to do a round of chemo, which means I’m only going to get weaker, and I’ll have to be off work longer.”
“We knew this was possible. What about the margins?”
“Negative.”
“That’s excellent news, so focus on the positive, and imagine this fall, when you’ll be so much better and have a beautiful baby to keep you up at night after you’ve worked a forty-eight-hour shift.”
He doesn’t want to smile, but he can’t help it.
“It’s been two weeks since my surgery, and I’m still struggling to breathe. The respiratory therapist said it’s normal, but he also said I may never be able to exert myself to the degree I did before I had cancer.”
I walk over and sit on the end of the bed, facing him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’ve seen your pain, and if there was a way I could take it from you, I would.”
“Fuck, don’t say that.”
“Why?”
“It makes me feel like shit for what I need to tell you.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No, but I almost wish you had.”
“I agree that we need to talk. You first.”
Adjusting his side of the bed to sit up straighter, he leans his head back.
“This is so hard to say to you. I don’t know how we got to this place when I never would’ve believed it at the beginning of the year.”
“Things were perfect between us then. That’s what you’re thinking, right?”
“Yeah.”
“But then you saw Nicole, and I bet it was like seeing her through different eyes.”
He lifts his head up and stares at me. “How did you know?”
“I know because you’re a different person now than when you dated her before.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I swore I wouldn’t hurt you again, and I promised to give you everything you ever wanted.”
“You gave me the most important thing I wanted … Payton.” Biting the inside of my cheek, I struggle to look at him. “I have something difficult to say, as well. I’ve come to realize that I only want to be in a relationship with Jake.”
“Seriously?” He pats the empty space next to him, so I crawl to it and sit facing him with my legs crossed. “I kind of wondered if this day would come,” he adds.
“Why?”
“You seem happier when he’s near. A light shines in your eyes that I don’t see when it’s only you and me. We have fun together, and the chemistry’s there, but Jake’s … what’s the right word? He’s warm-hearted, you know? He’s like you.”
Elliott grips my knee, and my tears begin to form from how sweet he’s being, but mostly from how right he is. Feeling relief, but also sadness, I cover my face and weep.
“I loved you first.”
“Baby, I know.” He pulls my hands down and holds them. “But you were always meant to love him last.”
“I think you needed to love me to heal, and I needed to love you to forgive,” I say. “It was the only way we’d ever trust again.”
“You taught me how to love, Sailor Girl, and I’ll never forget it.”
I sob, and the tears skip down my cheeks. He brushes them away with his thumbs, and I see the ones forming in his shimmering eyes. He cups my face, and pressing his lips to my head, he leaves them there.
We share this moment, the seconds ticking by, because letting go of a past that defined us for over a decade isn’t an easy thing to do. We’ll always love each other. I have no doubt, but it’s time for us to admit we’re no longer in love.
“I’m grateful this baby is yours,” I murmur.
“I thought you’d want her to be Jake’s now.”
“No, having Payton links you and me forever, and that makes me happy. I’ll always want you in my life.”
“It makes me happy, too.”
I dry my eyes. “So, what do we do from here?”
“I’m not sure. I guess I first need to fight for Nicole while I fight for my life. I’m asking for her to take on so much: my sickness, along with the baby.” He glances toward the window. “Look, I’ll understand if you and Jake want to move out.”
“No. We want to stay right here while you’re recovering. If you don’t mind, we might even stay until after the baby’s born. I don’t want either of us to be away from her while she’s little. I guess we have a lot to figure out, but it doesn’t have to be sorted today.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“You, Jake, Nicole and me … we’ll get through this year together. Hell, maybe we’ll get through life together, too.”
Elliott cradles my head again and kisses my forehead.
“You may not believe it, but you’ll always be my anchor. I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Elliott
I watch Jake drive off, the afternoon sun creating a beam of light on his back window. Noticing I’m stalling, I turn around and ring Nicole’s doorbell. I want to do this, but I’m nervous.
She answers with round eyes and glances out at the road.
“Hi. How did you get here?”
“Jake dropped me off, but are you going to let me in?” I grin.
“Of course.” She steps aside, and I walk down her hallway to the living room. Mindful of my chest, I sit down on her sofa carefully. “It’s nice to see you looking better and on your feet.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of the condo. I needed some fresh air.” She sits close and faces me. “Mainly, I wanted to see you. Sailor and I talked a couple of days ago.”
“How did that go?”
“It was difficult, but we were also relieved. We found the closure we’ve been needing for some time now.”
“What does that mean exactly?”
I reach over to lace my hand with hers. “I told her I want to be in a relationship with you, and she told me she only wants to be in one with Jake.”
“Wow. You two really opened up to each other.”
“I’ve been reminded by my illness that life can end at any moment. I don’t know if that will happen to me in a month, or fifty years from now, but I want you by my side every minute I have left.”
“I’ve wanted to hear that for so long, but I’m afraid to believe it’s true.” She pushes a stray strand of hair back into her ponytail.
“I can understand why you’d feel that way, and it’s the reason I came over. I thought there was a better chance of you seeing and feeling the truth from me if we talked in person. I love you. I loved you when we were dating before, but back then, I couldn’t recognize it since I didn’t even like myself.
“I told you about my past: Rebecca’s death, letting Sailor take the blame and then abandoning her. I hated myself for it, and I pushed away anyone who threatened my self-punishment.
“I didn’t think I deserved your love, whereas I think I was desperate to be with Sailor because subconsciously, I wanted redemption, and I knew she was my only hope of getting it.”
Nodding slowly, Nicole looks at our entwined hands.
“That makes sense.”
“I mean every word, Nicole. When you walked away from me at the hospital, when your mom was sick, it felt like I was losing something. I think it’s why I asked you to the party and why I came here when I was sick. Being with Sailor helped me heal, and I could finally feel what you and I shared and all I had taken for granted.”
Scooting closer to her, I cup her cheek. “I know my life’s a train wreck right now. I have to start chemo, and I’m having a baby. I understand if yo
u need to take it slow, but I hope you won’t say no to dating me.”
“My stupid, stupid heart. You’re the only man it’s ever loved.”
“Does that mean you still love me?”
“Yes,” she murmurs. Exhaling, I shove one of the last bricks off my chest and smile.
“I know how to be the man you deserve, and I look forward to showing you.”
She presses her lips against mine, and I come alive. Instead of agonizing pain, I feel euphoria, my nerve endings finally playing on my team.
Moving closer, I clutch her waist and pull the holder out of her hair. My fingers slide through her soft curls, and she whimpers into my mouth. Even if I could fool around with her right now, I wouldn’t do it. Nicole needs to see that I want her for more than sex.
I massage her scalp and graze my thumb up and down her waist while I kiss her methodically, recalling what I once threw away. I won’t make that mistake twice.
My lungs interfere, so I let her go to take some breaths.
“It’s going to be a while before I’m the strong man you remember.”
“You’ve shown me your strength the last two months. You’re fighting for your life and love … and for your unborn child. I want to be by your side, too, Elliott. I love you.”
Jake
One Month Later
“Are you ready to lose that bet?” I ask Elliott as we FaceTime. I’m smiling at him from the obstetrician’s office because today’s the day we find out the gender of the baby.
Nicole’s face appears on the screen. “Hi, Jake and Sailor. This is so exciting.”
“Hey, girl. OK, the technician is getting her wand ready. I look at Elliott again. It’s awesome to see that smile on his face when he’s feeling so damn rough.
Due to weakness, and his system being susceptible to infection, he had to stay home today. The chemotherapy’s been hard on him, but he should begin feeling better soon.
“I’m going to show you Sailor’s belly now.”
