Whispered Prayers of a Girl

by Alex Grayson

  “I was so scared you died,” Kelsey cries against my neck. Her small body shakes in my arms

  Tears track down my cheeks in rivers as I run my hand through her hair and down her back. As much as I hate knowing she was worried, I can’t help but be grateful that it’s caused her to start speaking.

  “Shh,” I murmur against her hair. “I’m okay.”

  She clings to me so tightly that it makes it hard to breathe, but she could cut off all the blood to my head and I wouldn’t care, as long as I have her in my arms and talking.

  Something catches my attention, and I look to the right. My eyes land on Alexander with Daniel on his lap. There’s a small bandage on my son’s chin and my heart hurts knowing he was hurt. I run my eyes over the rest of him, feeling relief when I don’t see any other injuries.

  Daniel looks at me with wide green eyes, so much like Will’s. There’s fear in them and it breaks my heart to know he was scared as well. They’ve both lost so much already.

  The IV line in my hand pulls when I lift my arm toward him. “Come here, sweetie,” I croak out.

  He scrambles off Alexander’s lap and attempts to climb onto my bed. Alexander gets up, and before helping him the rest of the way, he grabs a cup on the bedside table and lets me take several swallows. The blessedly cool water feels like heaven against my dry throat. I notice him pushing the call button on the side of the bed before he lifts the line to my IV, then lifts Daniel onto the bed. As soon as his knees hit the mattress he buries his face against my shoulder and starts crying just as hard as his sister. My free arm closes tightly around him, and I close my eyes and kiss the tops of my babies’ heads.

  When I open them again, my eyes go to Alexander, who’s back to sitting on the edge of his chair, his hands gripping the arms so tight his knuckles are white. A whole slew of emotions crosses his face and it makes my chest ache when I realize he was worried as well.

  I can’t imagine the pain he went through and what was going through his head when he found out about the wreck. He’s already lost his wife and baby in a car accident. I know he cares for me deeply, that’s apparent at the pain in his eyes now, so to know he could have lost even more people to the same fate had to have been torture for him. I hate that he went through that.

  I hold his gaze and hope he sees the silent words coming from me. The words I have yet to tell him, but desperately want to. I love this man more than I thought was possible, and I need him to know that.

  A moment later, a doctor walks into the room carrying a chart. I hate it when the kids are forced to get down so the doctor can check me over. I’m impatient as he asks me questions and explains the extend of my injuries, but am glad when he says I can go home tomorrow, as long as there are no complications throughout the rest of the day and night.

  As soon as he’s gone, the kids are back on the bed with me. My eyes stay connected with Alexander while they cry into my shoulder. After a few minutes, their cries turn to sniffles. I break my stare with Alexander and pull both kids back so I can get a better look at them. I notice the bandage on Kelsey’s cheek again and the one on Daniel’s chin. More tears come to my eyes and my chest burns. It’s apparent they aren’t serious injuries, but they should never feel even the smallest of scratches.

  “Are you both okay?” I ask them, needing them to say they’re fine.

  Daniel nods, and I turn to look at Kelsey. “We’re okay, Mama. We’re just glad you’re okay too.”

  I close my eyes and relish in the sound of her voice. It’s going to take a long time to get used to hearing it again, but I’ll soak up every second and never take it for granted.

  “I love you both.”

  They return the sentiment, and I kiss their cheeks.

  I keep my arms around them both, but my eyes move back to Kelsey. I can’t stop looking at her.

  “You’re talking.” I state the obvious, because it’s still so unbelievable.

  She nods and drops her head. I place my hand under her chin and gently lift it back up. Utter devastation shows on her face, and it makes me want to cry all over again.

  “Kelsey, sweetie—”

  “I’m sorry!” she blurts, interrupting me.

  “There’s absolutely nothing for you to be sorry for,” I tell her, my heart in my throat making it tight.

  She nods vehemently. “There is, Mama. I’m sorry I made you so worried because I didn’t talk. I’m sorry I hurt you.” She stops, and I watch her throat bob as she tries to hold back her tears. Her voice is a whisper when she finishes, breaking my heart in the process. “I’m sorry Daddy died.”

  I lean my head close to her. “I want you to listen to me very carefully, Kelsey. I know I’ve said this before, and I’ll continue to say it until you finally believe me. You are in no way responsible for what happened to your father.” I stop, letting her process my words before continuing. “Your daddy wasn’t getting all the blood he needed for his heart to work properly.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “He would have died either way, because no one knew of the problem. It wasn’t because he went to go get your bear. His heart gave out because it was too weak to work anymore. He would have died whether he got your bear or not.”

  I can see in her eyes that she still doesn’t completely believe me, but I also see undeniable hope that what I’m saying is true. Since we moved to Cat’s Valley, I haven’t put her back in counseling, hoping that the move would be a big enough change to help her open up and release some of the grief. I can see that was a big mistake.

  “I miss him so much,” she whispers brokenly.

  “I do too. We’ll always miss him and that’s okay.” I turn to look at Daniel and see the sadness in his eyes. I pull him closer and speak to them both. “But it’s also okay to move on. Your daddy will always be a part of our lives, no matter what.”

  “I’ll try,” Kelsey says after several moments.

  Although this is a very painful subject for all three of us, it feels right that we’re discussing it. I’ve never tried keeping the subject closed, I’ve always been open to talking about Will to them, but Kelsey’s never shown interest, or her face contorts in pain when his name is brought up, and I think Daniel likes to avoid it because it always hurts Kelsey and me. It doesn’t feel forced, and I know it was time. Hopefully we can all properly heal now, most especially Kelsey.

  Alexander still hasn’t said anything, and I look over at him. He looks tired, with bags beneath his red-rimmed eyes. He looks strange wearing the dark blue scrub shirt. He’s bent over with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together tightly, watching me and the kids with an intense look. Something painful lurks in his eyes.

  I’m just about to ask him if he’s okay, when the door whooshes open and his parents step into the room. They come to a stop when they notice I’m awake. Immediate relief has their shoulders sagging. It warms my insides to know that they care enough to worry, even if it is because I’m important to Alexander.

  The kids lift their heads to look at the door, and his parents’ eyes soften when they see them huddled on the bed with me. It’s Helen who steps forward first, stopping briefly by Alexander and squeezing his shoulder. She comes to a stop beside the bed. David goes to stand behind Alexander.

  “How are you feeling, dear?” she asks with kind eyes.

  I give her a timid smile. “My head’s hurting a little, and a few minor aches, but I’ll be okay.”

  “That’s good. You gave us a scare. Thank goodness you three were okay.”

  “How are the people in the other car?” I ask.

  It’s David that answers. He shakes his head, and I know the answer. A sharp pain stabs my chest at the loss of life.

  “Her brakes went out in her car. Reports show she tried swerving to miss you, but she clipped the back corner of your truck.”

  “How many people?” I croak.

  “Just her.”

  We all share a moment of solemn silence at the poor woman that lost her life. I s
end up a silent prayer for her family.

  Helen looks at Alexander’s still hunched form, then back at the kids.

  “Why don’t David and I take the munchkins down to the cafeteria for a snack?”

  I know what she’s doing; giving Alexander and me a few minutes alone. I don’t want the kids away from me, but he and I need to talk, and I know they’ll be safe with his parents.

  “You wanna go grab a snack with Alexander’s parents?” I ask them.

  Daniel nods, but it takes Kelsey several seconds to agree. She doesn’t want to leave me.

  “It’s okay. It’s only for a few minutes, then you can come right back up here.”

  Finally, she nods, and Helen helps Kelsey down as David helps Daniel. I give the kids a smile before the four leave the room.

  I look at Alexander as soon as the door whooshes closed behind them. He’s still bent over, but his head is now hanging, hiding my view of his face.

  “Alexander,” I call.

  He slowly lifts his head, and I suck in a sharp breath at the tortured look on his haggard face. And what makes the pain rapidly forming in my chest unbearable is I don’t know how to make the look go away. I don’t know what to say to reassure him that I’m okay besides telling him just that, but I don’t think that will suffice. I’m so damn scared that this will set our relationship back.

  “I froze,” he croaks. I frown, not understanding what he’s saying. “When we pulled up, and I saw you in the flipped truck, I fucking froze.”

  He drops his head again as if ashamed. My stomach drops, and I feel sick. I had no idea he was there. That he was the one to find us and had to practically relive the worst moment in his life. How cruel could fate be?

  He lifts his head again and when he speaks next, his voice is raw.

  “All I could see and hear was Clara and Rayne that night,” he says, confirming my fears. “It was like I was there again. I couldn’t do anything. I was fucking stuck, helpless once again. But then something changed. I saw you in Clara’s place and the pain from that was too much. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take losing you too. Seeing you there, dying in Clara’s place, snapped me out of it.”

  He roughly runs his hands through his hair several times, then scrubs them down his face before he looks back at me. There’re tears leaking out of his eyes. I can’t stand to see the pain on his face or the space between us. I reach my hand out. As if he’s been waiting, he springs from his seat and sits as close to me as he can get on the bed. His hands cup either side of my face gently and he bends until his forehead meets the uninjured side of mine.

  I keep my eyes on him and see him squeezing his closed. A single tear lands on my cheek. I lift my hands and mirror his. One side of his face feels prickly from his beard while the other side is more smooth from his scars.

  “I’m fine,” I whisper. He keeps his eyes closed, but jerks his head once, acknowledging he heard me.

  His eyes open and he lifts his head an inch away. After running his eyes all over my face, staying on the bandage on my forehead for several seconds, he drops his lips to mine. He keeps the kiss to a simple meeting of lips before pulling away.

  “I can’t lose you, Gwen,” he tells me. His tone is sure, but still laced with vulnerability. “You or the kids. I can’t. I won’t make it a second time. I need you three too much.”

  “Hey. We’re not going anywhere. We’re here and as long as you want us, that’s where we’ll always be.”

  “Forever,” he says, no doubts or hesitation in his voice. “I want you three forever.”

  I look deep into his eyes and know he means it.

  “I love you, Gwendolyn, and it scares me so fucking much that I almost didn’t get a chance to tell you. I never want to go a day without saying those words to you.”

  Tears threaten again, but I don’t want them to ruin our moment. With my hands still on his cheeks, I pull him down for another kiss.

  Against his lips, I tell him what I’ve felt for weeks now.

  “I love you too, Alexander. And I want to hear them from you just as much as I want to repeat them back. Every day, forever.”

  He closes his eyes again, like he’s simply soaking up my words. The look that comes over his face can’t be mistaken for anything other than pure love.

  The dull ache in my head starts to pound harder, and I can’t help the wince that slips free. I don’t want him to know I’m in pain, especially right now after confessing our love. I want to bask in it for a while longer before reality sets in.

  I’m out of luck though, because Alexander pulls back, but grabs my hand.

  “You need to rest,” he says, kissing the back of my hand.

  I shake my head and immediately regret it. I take a deep breath, hoping to alleviate the pain.

  “I don’t want to rest. I want to stay awake and see you and the kids.” I smile. “And hear Kelsey talk again.”

  He smiles back at me. “We’ll be here when you wake again. And I’m sure Kelsey will be talking your head off in no time.”

  “I’ll never get tired of hearing her speak,” I refute his claim.

  He nods in understanding. “You still need to rest. You hit your head pretty hard and needed stitches. The sooner you get better, then sooner you can come home.” He gives me a stern look. “But in order to do that, you need rest.”

  I can’t help the smile that’s trying to slip out. Despite the dire situation we were just in, I’m happy. More happy than I have been in years. Both of my kids are safe, my beautiful daughter is talking again, and I think on the mend, and I have Alexander. There’s nothing more I could ask for.

  Alexander chuckles, and the sound sends pleasure coursing through me. My head may be pounding at the moment and my body may feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck, but my heart feels so light and carefree and full.

  He kisses me again, and this time, he lingers a bit longer, but doesn’t make it too intimate.

  “Lie back, baby,” he says gently after pulling back.

  I do as he says, and as soon as my head hits the pillow, my eyes become heavy. The pounding in my head lessens fractionally when I close my eyes. I feel a light kiss on my forehead, and my lips tip up into a smile.

  I feel such a huge relief now that I know everything will be okay. There’s still a small part of my heart that hurts knowing that Will’s no longer around to see his kids flourish and grow, but I know he’s watching us with a smile. He knows the man taking his place will love and protect us just as fiercely as he ever would. And I like to believe that Clara and Rayne are sitting beside him with the same smile and knowledge that the kids and I will do the same for Alexander.

  “I love you.” I feel the warmth of the whispered words against my cheek.

  “I love you,” I whisper back, then let my mind drift off to the stunning vision of the future. One filled with lots of laughter and love. A love so strong that nothing could ever take it away or break it.

  Epilogue

  Alexander

  Two and a half years later…

  I pull the rag from my back pocket and wipe the sweat from my forehead, then take a minute to look around and admire my surroundings. It’s done. It’s finally fucking done. The excitement and anticipation of seeing the pleasure on Gwen’s and the kids’ faces once I show them brings a smile to my face.

  As soon as I step out onto the porch, I hear girly giggles and boyish laughter. I chuckle when I see Daniel chasing after Kelsey with a water gun. Gigi, Pepper, and Charlie run after them. Every few steps he gives it a few pumps, then pulls the trigger, hitting her in the back.

  It took a while for Kelsey to fully get past her mutism and start talking regularly. She still went through phases where she wouldn’t speak for a few days, but the time between those episodes grew until they no longer existed.

  Two days after Gwen was released from the hospital after the accident, she made an appointment for Kelsey with a psychiatrist Jeremy recommended. Kelsey went once a week, a
nd even Gwen and Daniel went to a few sessions with her. When Gwen told the doctor about what happened to Clara and Rayne, she asked if I would consider coming in for private sessions. I didn’t really care to open myself up to a complete stranger, but I did it for Gwen and the kids. Surprisingly, it did help. Pain still grips me at times, but I’m able to manage it better.

  Gwen and I both have caught Kelsey and Daniel sitting alone several times while Kelsey quietly talks about Will, their father. Daniel’s recollection of him is slim, so it’s good that Kelsey wants to share her memories with Daniel. It helps keep his memory alive for them both. It’s also good therapy for Kelsey.

  I walk down the steps and across the yard toward the house. A delicious smell hits my nose when I walk in the door. I head straight for the kitchen where I know Gwen is. She’s at the counter, chopping something, and I walk up behind her, wrapping my arms around her heavily pregnant belly, and kiss the back of her neck.

  “Hey, you,” she says, turning her head so I can get to her lips.

  I moan when she opens up to me and meets my tongue with hers. She tastes like strawberries, her pregnancy craving. She says she never liked strawberries until then.

  Just like every time I kiss her, my cock turns hard and body yearns for hers. Only knowing that the kids could come inside at any minute keeps me from making love to her right here in the kitchen.

  I pull back and she turns in my arms, leaning back against the counter.

  My stomach meets hers, preventing me from getting close.

  I smile down at her. “It’s done,” I say simply.

  Her eyes open wide and exhilaration washes over her face. Her fingers dig into my arms.

  “Really?” she asks.

  I nod, then kiss the tip of her nose. “Really.”

  She squeals in excitement and it makes me laugh. I love seeing the pure bliss on her face.