Then I Met You

by Dunn, Matt

  ‘Are you okay?’ said Simon, quietly, and Lisa took a few shallow breaths.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s just . . .’ She waved a hand vaguely in the air. ‘I just remembered I’m not that good with heights.’

  ‘Phew!’ said Chris. ‘For a moment I thought it might be . . .’ He glanced at Cat. ‘You know.’

  ‘Not at all!’ Lisa said. Then, with an effort she didn’t think she’d be able to make, and although it went against what every fibre in her body was telling her to do, she forced a smile. ‘I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Congratulations!’

  ‘Really?’ Chris was looking like a death-row prisoner who’d just won a last-minute reprieve. ‘Thanks, Lise!’

  ‘Really. I hope you’ll be very happy together.’

  ‘Thank you!’ Cat had leaned across to give Lisa a hug, and she did her best not to pull away in horror.

  ‘So, are you two . . . ?’ Chris was looking at her and Simon, wobbling his head from side to side as if to indicate some kind of sexual activity, but before Lisa could respond Simon laughed.

  ‘Us? Well, we’re . . .’ He glanced across at her, as if looking for confirmation, but right now Lisa would struggle with her definition of their relationship. ‘First date, actually!’

  ‘Is that right?’ said Chris.

  ‘Yup!’ said Simon. ‘Obviously I’m hoping it won’t be the last!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Chris. ‘She’s special, that one.’

  Lisa stared at him, wondering whether to point out that she evidently wasn’t that special. Then she reached across and grabbed Simon’s arm, both for support and to keep the charade going. After all, the last thing she wanted was for Chris to think he’d moved on and she hadn’t.

  ‘Early days,’ she said. ‘But I’d say he has . . . potential.’

  ‘So,’ said Simon. ‘Any tips?’

  Chris frowned. ‘Tips?’

  ‘You know.’ Simon was patting her thigh, and for a moment Lisa couldn’t work out why. ‘Me and her.’

  Lisa glared at him. ‘What are you doing?’ she hissed.

  ‘The exit interview we discussed,’ he whispered back.

  ‘What about it?’

  ‘Remember how I suggested it might be a good idea to administer one after every failed relationship?’ He nodded at Chris. ‘Well, now’s your chance. And in real time.’

  ‘What?’

  Simon raised his voice slightly. ‘I said, now’s your chance to find out—’

  ‘I heard, you, Simon. I just can’t believe you’d—’

  ‘Why ever not?’ Simon was looking like the idea made perfect sense to him. ‘You’ve said you’re happy for him, which would suggest you’re over him. If I make someone a coffee, and they don’t like it, isn’t it a good idea to find out why they don’t like it, so I don’t make the same mistake again?’

  ‘This is hardly the same thing!’ Her eyes met Cat’s. ‘Or the time or the place to . . .’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about me,’ said Cat, pleasantly. ‘I’m not the jealous type.’

  Simon nodded. ‘You and Chris dated. Then you didn’t. Now he’s engaged, and you’re . . . well, not.’

  ‘Hey! I’ve been single by choice!’ snapped Lisa.

  Cat had tentatively raised a hand. ‘If you don’t mind me interrupting, from what Chris told me, it wasn’t your choice.’

  ‘Yes, well,’ spluttered Lisa, then she glared accusingly at Chris. ‘He told me he didn’t want anything serious.’

  ‘With you,’ said Cat, reaching over to pat the back of her hand, her engagement ring clearly visible, and Lisa had never felt closer to committing murder. Though out of everyone in the gondola, she didn’t know who she wanted to kill first. And that maybe even included herself.

  ‘And shouldn’t we at least try to establish why that is?’ Simon’s reasonable tone seemed at complete odds with the words that were coming out of his mouth. What was worse was that Chris seemed to be actively considering the idea.

  ‘You sure?’ Chris said, after a moment, and Simon nodded encouragingly.

  ‘And be honest,’ he said, ‘because this might be the best chance Lisa gets to get some . . .’

  ‘Closure?’ suggested Cat.

  ‘I was thinking more along the lines of feedback,’ said Simon, then he chuckled. ‘Though depending on what you say, she might get that too.’

  Lisa was balling her fists, and was about to tell Simon what he might get if he continued this line of questioning, but before she could say – or do – anything, Chris shrugged.

  ‘All right, then. But only because Cat doesn’t mind.’

  Cat was apparently too busy admiring her new engagement ring to mind. Lisa minded, though her opinion didn’t seem to matter much, and by now she was almost too stunned to object. Right now she felt trapped in her own worst nightmare, though, like when she’d surveyed the gondola earlier, she couldn’t see a way out.

  But maybe there was a positive here. Perhaps, as she’d learned in Cancún, she should be Zen about this, hear what Chris had to say and learn from it. Grow as a person.

  With a sigh, she made herself comfortable on the bench, then forced herself to smile.

  ‘Do your worst,’ she said.

  Then, to her horror, Chris did exactly that.

  Chapter 23

  Simon was beginning to suspect he’d made an awful mistake. Okay, so he was a little rusty when it came to knowing what women were thinking or feeling, and today’s events prior to his trip to the funfair had certainly reinforced that, but, judging by the way Lisa’s grip on his knee during Chris’s ‘analysis’ had tightened to a degree where he’d got pins and needles in his foot, he’d misread her ‘okay-ness’ with her ex’s new situation by quite some degree.

  Right now, he was feeling terrible – and on Lisa’s behalf too. He didn’t know too much about her history, but he suspected she’d been devastated when Chris dumped her (though he was mystified as to why – Chris was, to use Lisa’s earlier description of the various loser men in previous ‘Blind Date’ articles, a ‘knob’). And now, to see him engaged to someone else when Lisa had probably once thought he’d been about to ask her . . .

  Lisa, to her credit, had congratulated the two of them, and Simon had assumed – post-Cancún – she was being genuine, which was why he’d suggested she take the opportunity to find out where she’d been going wrong. But as she’d sat patiently through the remainder of the ride while Chris had seemingly taken her instruction to ‘do your worst’ literally (not that she had a lot of choice, given her inability to get off), even with his limited experience of women, Simon could tell she was torn up inside at the things Chris was saying.

  He’d pretended to be interested too – in both her and Chris’s observations – acting like the attentive boyfriend, just so Lisa wouldn’t feel miserable. But while she’d responded in kind – or, at least, not shoved him away when he’d put an arm round her shoulders to marvel at the view from the top – he’d felt how tense she’d been. Then, when the ride finished – after ten or so minutes that had felt at least twice that long – they said their goodbyes, and she even wished Cat good luck (and Simon suspected she’d need a lot of it). Although, to his surprise, as they stepped out of the gondola, Chris was doing the same to him.

  ‘I’m sorry?’ he said. ‘Why would I need . . . ?’

  ‘Because Lisa can be a bit . . . full on at times. Doesn’t believe in taking it slow. And not just in the bedroom . . .’ He gave Simon a covert wink. ‘Sorry – too much information. But you know when you go for a dip in the sea, and it’s a bit cold, so you jump in and swim really fast at first to try to warm up? That’s her in relationships.’

  By the muted gasp that had just come from behind him, Simon was sure that Lisa was listening. Though, even if she hadn’t been, he’d still have felt compelled to defend her. Particularly because Chris had just turned his ‘knob’ knob up to eleven.

  ‘I’m sure she was only like that because she was k
een. Not . . .’

  ‘Desperate?’

  ‘Right,’ said Simon. ‘Though why she would have been like that in your case is a bit of a mystery, I have to say. Then again, from what she says, you were really mean to her, and if “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” is true, then you can’t really blame her.’

  ‘Yeah!’ Chris let out a short laugh, which in Simon’s mind was accompanied by the whoosh of what he’d just said shooting over Chris’s head. ‘Thing is, they all want the same thing,’ he said, in a stage whisper louder than his normal speaking voice.

  ‘By “they”, you mean your girlfriends, or . . . ?’

  ‘Women!’

  ‘Which is?’ asked Simon, though against his better judgement.

  ‘This.’ Chris did a thing with his hands that at first Simon assumed was rude, before realising he was miming slipping a ring on a finger. ‘Or, at least, they seem to with me.’

  ‘Right. God knows why, eh? But thanks. I’ll bear that in mind. Anyway . . .’ Cat had taken Chris’s hand and – with a face like a bored teenager – had started to pull him away from their awkward foursome, so Simon draped his arm around an equally sulky-looking Lisa. ‘Still, your loss is my gain, I think. And on that note, it looks like we’re all off, so thanks for that. Especially the advice. Good to hear it from the horse’s mouth, I think . . .’

  He let the sentence trail off, mainly because Lisa had grabbed him even more tightly round his waist and begun marching him in the opposite direction to the one Chris and Cat were headed in. A little breathlessly, he did his best to keep up with her as she all but race-walked them out of the amusement park.

  ‘Horse’s arse, I meant,’ he said, adding, ‘You’re welcome,’ partly in jest, once she’d checked over her shoulder to see whether they were still in visual range of Chris and Cat and then let him go, though the look on her face when she stopped abruptly and whirled around didn’t suggest she’d found his attempt at humour funny.

  ‘Enjoyed that, did you?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Seeing me humiliated like that. For ages!’

  ‘By that loser? You were hardly humiliated. And it was more like ten min—’

  ‘That was the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me!’

  Simon swallowed hard. ‘I only put my arm around you because—’

  ‘Not that!’ Lisa was wild-eyed. ‘I meant Chris, parading some fit young thing in front of me who he’s known for five minutes, and – and here’s the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake – even though, knowing Chris, they’ll probably only last for five minutes, he’s gone and asked her to marry him, whereas he couldn’t wait to be rid of me!’

  ‘I’m sure it’s not like—’

  ‘Then you have the’ – Lisa looked like she was struggling to find an appropriate word, but Simon didn’t dare suggest one – ‘audacity to suggest I might want to hear from him all about just what was wrong with our relationship. Or rather, what was wrong with me.’

  ‘That wasn’t what I—’

  ‘When Chris dumped me, I cried so much that I actually, physically, became dehydrated. I only stopped when Jess managed to convince me that it was him who had the problem, not me – and trust me, I took a lot of convincing. So thanks, Simon. Thanks a lot. That’s really made me feel great.’

  ‘Hey.’ Simon reached for her arm, but Lisa batted his hand away angrily. ‘I just thought, you know, post-Cancún, you might not be holding anything against him. That you might genuinely feel happy for them. Because that was what you said . . .’

  ‘Are you completely stupid?’

  ‘No,’ said Simon, though he suspected he might be at least partially. ‘But surely you can see you’re better off out of there?’

  ‘Which means I was the stupid one for being “in” there in the first place?’

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant.’

  ‘Well, what did you mean, exactly?’

  ‘Just that . . .’ Simon was beginning to regret starting this particular conversation. Then again, he’d been regretting pretty much everything that had happened so far today. ‘He did you a favour by dump . . . I mean, by ending things with you, if you ask me.’

  ‘I didn’t ask you!’

  ‘At least now you can see where you’ve been going wrong and—’

  ‘Where I’ve been going wrong?’

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘So you think his behaviour was acceptable, do you?’

  ‘No, although I’m hardly the best person to judge . . .’

  ‘No, Simon, you’re not! So don’t. Okay?’

  Simon looked at her, wondering what on earth to say next. He’d genuinely thought that hearing Chris’s opinion might be valuable, could even make Lisa feel better – yet now, he could see it wasn’t, and that he’d achieved the exact opposite.

  ‘I’m . . . sorry?’

  ‘You made that sound like a question.’

  ‘I am. I didn’t realise you . . . I mean . . .’ He sighed. ‘Listen. Would it make you feel better if you did the same to me?’

  ‘Slept with you for the best part of a year, then dumped you out of the blue and never called you again?’

  Lisa was staring at him expectantly, and Simon could feel himself going red. ‘No! I meant tell me where I’m going wrong.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just to prove that it’s a useful exercise.’ He stuffed his hands into his pockets. ‘We’ve already established that you and me won’t . . . I mean, aren’t . . .’

  ‘Too right we have!’

  Simon tried not to let the sudden – and surprising – pang of hurt he felt in his chest at Lisa’s all-too-quick dismissal of the possibility of the two of them show on his face. ‘So perhaps you could give me a few tips. An assessment of how I’ve done so far. Leaving out the bit when I nearly ran you over, obviously.’ He forced himself to grin at that, though if Lisa found it funny she didn’t let on.

  ‘You’re serious?’

  Simon nodded. ‘Only seems fair.’

  ‘Right.’ Lisa took a step backwards, folded her arms and looked him up and down. ‘Okay. For a start, you turned up to lunch looking like you were going anywhere but a date. And a girl needs to see you’ve at least made more of an effort than if you’re just popping down to the shop to pick up a pint of milk.’

  ‘That’s . . .’ Simon wondered whether now was an appropriate time to tell Lisa he hadn’t actually known he was going on a date. But this particular exercise was about making her feel better, he reminded himself. Not him. ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘And then talk about nervous. You seemed like you wanted to be anywhere but sitting in front of me. And that can give off the wrong vibe. As can expecting me to make a run for it the whole time.’

  ‘But you did! Or at least, you cut it short after—’

  ‘Before that.’

  ‘Right. Sorry. Carry on.’

  ‘And you didn’t really seem that interested in me.’

  Simon decided against telling Lisa that was because he wasn’t interested in anyone. Mainly because he suspected she’d had all the feedback she wanted for one day.

  ‘And . . .’ she continued, and Simon blanched.

  ‘There’s more?’

  ‘There is. And it’s a biggie.’

  Simon tensed a little. He could guess what was coming. ‘The “Alice” thing?’

  Lisa nodded. ‘Telling any girl that your ex was to all intents and purposes perfect . . . You need to think a bit about how you introduce that in the future. And when. It’s not exactly first-date material.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Simon did his best to keep his voice level. ‘Which date material is it, exactly?’

  ‘I don’t know. But keep mentioning it on the first and you’ll probably never get a chance to find out.’

  ‘Oh-kay. Anything else?’

  Lisa thought for a moment. ‘No. That’s about it.’ She smiled grimly. ‘You’re right. I do feel better for that.’


  ‘Great,’ said Simon, as enthusiastically as he could muster. ‘I’ll be sure to take that all on board.’

  ‘Just like I should take everything on board that Chris said, you mean?’

  Lisa’s eyes flashed with anger again, so Simon knew he had to tread carefully. ‘Here’s the thing,’ he said. ‘It was plainly Chris’s fault that you and he, you know . . .’ He cut the sentence off there, pretty sure spelling it out wouldn’t do him any favours. ‘But perhaps you can still learn something from it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I said, perhaps you can still—’

  ‘No – what can I possibly learn from that . . . ?’ Lisa let out a small scream. ‘I’m so angry I can’t even think of the right word to describe him. And trust me, I’ve come up with a lot since he dumped me.’

  Lisa had taken a step closer to him, and her face wasn’t that far from his, and while Simon suspected that – proximity-wise, at least, and on another occasion entirely, and perhaps with another person entirely – this might be a good opportunity to lean in for a kiss like they did in the movies, where locking lips seemed to miraculously turn murderous intent into high passion, right now he just hoped he’d get out of this situation alive.

  ‘I don’t know.’ Simon threw his hands in the air in an exaggerated shrug. ’Not to go out with someone like Chris again, for one thing.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Of course. Thank you so much for pointing that out.’ Lisa slapped herself exaggeratedly on the forehead. ‘How stupid of me. Well, that’s all my dating problems solved now. All I need to do is find someone – anyone – who’s not Chris, and . . .’

  ‘You’re being sarcastic.’

  ‘Me? No. Why would you think that?’ Lisa glared at him. ‘And yes, that was me being sarcastic. Again!’

  Lisa spun round and stormed out through the park’s exit, so Simon hurried after her. ‘Obviously I’m not suggesting it’s as simple as that,’ he said. ‘But why did you stay with him for so long if he was so . . .’