Raven

by Allison van Diepen

  “Yeah. I even passed on Hip-Hop ’n Bowl.”

  “That says something. Rambo’s still going on about his new bowling shoes. I just don’t get it.”

  “Me neither.”

  “Well, I’ve got to get back. But I’ll see you tomorrow night. I’ve missed you, Nic.”

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  INTO THE

  TEMPEST

  The next night I get to work half an hour early. The office door is open.

  Carlo is at his desk when I walk in, bathed in the glow of candlelight. He gets up, comes around his desk. “Raven.” He gives me a long look. “Should I apologize?”

  “No.”

  He smiles. “Good. I only did what you wanted me to, but were afraid to sanction. I saw the truth in your soul.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “Have a seat,” he says, and returns to his chair.

  “I . . . can’t explain how much you’ve done for my family. It means everything that Josh is okay.” I am determined not to cry. There are things we need to talk about. Important things. “Josh thinks you’re a faith healer or an angel. He wants to thank you. When are you going to tell him the truth?”

  “I wanted to ask you that question. Normally I wait several weeks until the person has gotten their bearings. What do you think?”

  “I think you should tell him right away. I can tell he’s worried that he could become an addict again, and I don’t want him to have to deal with that. Plus, he’s already making plans to go to college in the fall. And he’s on his way to getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. I just think he needs to know the truth.”

  “I’ll tell him tomorrow. You can give him my number and we can arrange to meet.”

  “Okay.” I can’t help but feel nervous. Josh is going to know the truth. He’s going to find out that he can’t settle in one place for more than ten years at a time. That he’ll be expected to go to war-torn areas of the world with the others. He’ll know that all of this happened because of my connection to Carlo. And he might hate me for it.

  “I wouldn’t worry, Raven. Most people like the idea of being immortal.”

  “Josh has never been like most people.”

  “What about you? Would you like to be immortal?”

  My heart skips a beat. I think of Zin and Gabriel’s suspicions about the attack. But I still can’t believe it’s true. “I guess the answer is . . . sometimes.”

  He raises his brows. “Even after your brother has been changed? You wouldn’t want to join him?”

  “What does it matter if I want to join him or not? I’m not dying.”

  “No, you are not. I thought, however, that you may have had the dreams.”

  “What dreams?”

  “Of the raven.”

  My throat feels dry. “I’ve had some weird dreams.”

  “I think it is time you know what your destiny is, Raven. I envisioned it many decades ago.” His stare is so intense, I almost forget to breathe. “I knew that when the raven appeared, a raven with a teardrop in her eye, the new era of the Jiang Shi was near.”

  He walks toward me. He’s so close that my pulse is wonky, as if he has an electromagnetic field around him. Then he places a hand on my back, right over the tattoo. He knows. I’ve covered the tattoo so well, but he knows.

  “I had hoped you would come to the realization yourself, but I don’t feel I can wait any longer. You are destined to be one of us, Raven.”

  “One of you? Meaning . . . ”

  “Yes. It is your destiny to become a Jiang Shi.”

  I’m speechless. I look at him, hoping his serious expression will crack into a smile. But as he once said, humor isn’t his forte.

  “It may be hard to accept, but I have foreseen it. In six hundred years, I have never had a vision that has not come true.”

  “I’m sorry, Carlo, but I don’t see this happening.”

  “It doesn’t matter if you can envision it or not. It’s what is that matters. I hope that you will take my advice and consent to be changed into one of us. If you leave it up to fate, it may be more painful.”

  I swallow. “What are you asking me to do?”

  “You must submit to a controlled overdose, a pharmacological cocktail that will put you into cardiac arrest. I will be right there with you, ready for the moment when you can be changed. The only way to become a Jiang Shi is to be at the point of death, when one’s soul loosens its hold on the body, ready to abandon it.”

  “This is crazy. You could miss the moment and my heart could stop.”

  “That would be highly unlikely. The heart will struggle before it fails. That is the window in which I will act. However, I will have a defibrillator at hand, just in case.”

  “You think I’d let myself be poisoned?”

  “As I said, if we don’t do it ourselves, fate will find its way, and it will likely cause you worse suffering than what I am proposing.”

  “You expect me to jump at this?”

  “Not jump, perhaps, but consider.”

  “I can’t believe this.” I press my fingers to my temples. “This is insanity.”

  “So many shifting paradigms in such a short time for you, Raven. It’s natural to feel the way you do.”

  I look into his black eyes. Angel or devil?

  My eyes drop. I can’t look at him anymore. Why should I? He sees everything anyway.

  “You love our Zinadin. And he loves you. There is only one thing standing between you.”

  My mortality.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I stagger out of Carlo’s office like I’m drunk.

  It’s unreal. I have just been given the chance to be with Zin forever. To never get old, never die. To explore the far reaches of the world. Everything a person could ever dream of.

  Part of me wishes he hadn’t given me a choice. If something were to happen to me and he made me a Jiang Shi—fine. But no one except Carlo has ever chosen to become a Jiang Shi.

  What am I really giving up by saying no to mortality? The answers come back in a flood: a normal life, career, kids, stability.

  Everything I know and expect out of my life.

  And the chance to find out what lies beyond. The chance to find out if there’s really a light.

  Weird, but I always expected I’d have kids one day. I don’t know why. You can raise them right and they can still get screwed up. And when they get screwed up, it can ruin your life. You’ll never be happy again. Why would anyone sign up for that?

  “Spaced out, huh?” Zin leans his elbows on the bar.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good to see you.”

  “Same here.”

  “What did Carlo say about telling Josh?”

  “Um, tomorrow. He’ll tell him tomorrow.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No.” Maybe I’m not lying. I don’t know if something’s wrong or not. All I know is, I have to think this through myself. Zin will freak out if I tell him about Carlo’s offer. Or will he?

  I look around. “I should take some orders.”

  “Okay. By the way, the Toprocks are coming tonight.” He places a hand over mine, and a kick of electricity goes through me. “We’ll dance later.”

  I nod, then search for customers. He’s never said it that way before. We’ll dance later.

  We’ll dance forever if . . .

  I can’t let my thoughts take this direction. If I choose to become a Jiang Shi, it shouldn’t be about Zin.

  According to Carlo, I have no say whether I become a Jiang Shi or not, I only have a say as to when and how it happens. But Carlo could be wrong. Zin and Gabriel think he might be wrong about the afterlife. Why not about his vision?

  I should only do this if it’s what I really want to do.

  The Toprocks and Kim show up around midnight. They’re pumped, heading immediately to the dance floor. I take a break to dance with them.

  Kim’s usual hand flurries are accented by
a new shoulder roll.

  Slide points at her. “You’ve been workin’ on that!”

  “It’s just a move, Slidey. I’ve got more where that came from.”

  “Whoa,” we all say.

  “My girl could be a breaker one day, who knows?” Chen grins.

  “It’s my greatest dream, Chenny Wenny.”

  “I’ve got it,” Rambo says. “We’ll train her so she can join the Spinheads and screw up all their battles!”

  Kim flicks her blue bangs. “I’d be happy to, Bo. While I’m at it, I’ll tell all the girls in the bar that you’re wearing bowling shoes.”

  “Go ahead. Who could blame me? Who else has shoes that can slide like this?” He demos a few moves, gliding on slippery soles.

  “I’m impressed,” I have to say.

  “Me too. I should get a pair.” Zin’s on the floor beside me. “You should’ve told me you were going on break.”

  “Sorry.”

  I am so full of angst, I have to let loose. My eyes drift mostly closed, and I let the music take me over. I can faintly see my friends moving their bodies to beats that trickle like rain. Dry ice settles in the air, turning the dance floor into an icy dream.

  My eyes are drawn to Zin, whose moves are fluid in the mist. I remember the first time I saw him, his light burning through the fog.

  The mist thickens. We’re almost blind and nearly choking on its dry sweetness, but we’ll never stop dancing. A feeling of claustrophobia comes over me as I wonder if the mist will ever lift, if we’re all trapped. Then I feel strong arms around my waist and Zin’s face close to mine, as if to say, It’s just us now.

  His lips brush my cheek, and his body is moving with mine. He’s caught on to my rhythm, and his hands are pressed to the small of my back, keeping me close. Green eyes hover in front of me with a question still waiting to be answered.

  Do you want this?

  I put a hand behind his head and bring his face close to mine. Brushing my lips against his, our mouths meet. Heat pours over us like honey, and we move as one, the way we were meant to.

  There is only one thing standing between you. The voice in my head is Carlo’s. And at this moment, there’s only one possible answer.

  Yes. Now. Forever.

  Zin must’ve sensed the intrusion of thought, because he pulls back, his hands touching the sides of my neck. The mist around us is beginning to dissolve, and the forms start taking the shapes of people, reminding us that we’re not alone. “Will you come over later?” he asks.

  I have a decision to make. A decision from which there’s no turning back. And I have to make it myself. If I don’t, I could regret it, and blame him forever.

  “Not tonight. I need . . . to think. But I will tomorrow. I promise.”

  He smiles. “Then tomorrow it is.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  When I get into bed that night, I tell myself that I will wake up with an answer. My dreams will explore my dilemma using a bunch of symbols that I will neatly unravel in the morning. And my decision will be obvious.

  But my subconscious doesn’t care about my dilemma, because in my dreams, I’m lying with Zin amid white sheets. Our bodies are so close I can feel his breath against my lips. We are kissing deeply, and there is no rush. It’s as if we’ve been transported outside of time.

  He smoothes my hair back from my face, pressing his lips to my cheek, to my temple. I glimpse his face, the love glistening in his eyes.

  His lips skim down my neck, speaking softly in an old melodic language I can’t identify. But I feel what he’s saying.

  I realize that we’re naked, and it doesn’t seem strange at all. It’s natural, joyous, like we were meant to be together this way. My hands splay on his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin, the beat of his heart. I slide my hands over his abs, and I hear him suck in a breath, then laugh. Zin’s laugh fills me with bliss. I’m laughing too.

  He kisses my body reverently, each touch of lips to skin igniting me. I look down at his black hair, watch him tease my belly button. He looks up at me, his eyes flashing like a rapid heartbeat, his lips parted hungrily.

  And then he slides over me, and we are one.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I wake up in a tangle of covers and lust.

  So much for finding answers in my sleep.

  I head downstairs to find Josh in the kitchen with my parents, drinking coffee in their pajamas.

  “Something smells good.” I turn to the stove. “French toast!”

  “I’m making enough for you, too,” Josh says.

  “Awesomeness.” In what universe does Josh make us breakfast?

  In a universe where the Jiang Shi have eternal life, comes the answer.

  A tremor goes through me at the thought that today Josh will find out the truth. I will slip him Carlo’s number, then leave it to Carlo to fill in the rest.

  Josh has never been good at accepting change of any kind. He’s always been about routine, control. Now he’ll be told something that will change his entire view of his life and the world.

  How’s he going to deal?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I’m glancing out my bedroom window. The late afternoon sun is fading behind a mass of cloud. Josh has been gone for four hours already.

  I’ve spent most of the day lounging around the house, staring out windows, swimming in thought. I’m no closer to having an answer for Carlo, or for myself. I can’t seem to separate the decision to become a Jiang Shi from my love for Zin, and until I can do that, I feel I’m not deciding for the right reason.

  Is love a reason to choose immortality? How can I know Zin will love me forever? Will it last fifty years, or a hundred, and then I’ll spend eternity alone?

  I’m jolted back to the present when I spot Josh getting out of the car. Hurrying downstairs, I throw open the front door before he can unlock it. “How’d it go?”

  He steps in, looks around. “Mom and Dad home?”

  “No.”

  His lips spread in a smile. “I can’t believe you knew this whole time!”

  “Yeah, well.”

  He goes into the kitchen, hoists himself onto the counter. “I’m almost afraid to believe it, you know? Carlo made me prove it to myself. All I had to do was look in the mirror, see into my own soul. And it hit me that since I woke up, I’ve been seeing into people’s souls, I just didn’t know it.” He gives me a penetrating look. “Carlo was right. Your soul is brilliant.”

  “You can see it from over there?”

  “Yeah. It’s amazing. And perfectly whole. Not like most.”

  Oh my God. The hole is gone.

  He’s right, I can feel it. Since he woke up in the hospital, since I’ve had my family back, the hole is gone.

  It feels wonderful.

  And yet it feels like cheating. Didn’t Zin say we all carry loss in our souls? Why shouldn’t I have to, like everyone else?

  I shouldn’t question it. I should just thank God for it.

  Or Carlo.

  “Immortality, Nic. Can you believe it? Age can’t touch me. Neither can sickness. Do you know what that means? I’ll never be an addict again.”

  I smile. “I know.”

  “When Carlo said that a Jiang Shi can never be an addict, it was like I was let out of prison. I don’t have to live with that fear anymore.”

  “I’m so glad you’re happy, Josh.”

  “Carlo said you were worried I wouldn’t be happy about it. How could anyone not be?”

  “Well, Zin said he didn’t take it so well. He felt like he couldn’t live the way he wanted to.”

  “That’s understandable. But what we’re being given is far better than anything I could have expected. Think about everything I’ll be able to do. I’ll have forever to see every inch of the world. Maybe someday I’ll explore other planets. Who knows? I’m so happy to be alive, Nic. And it’s all because of you.”

  “It’s because of Carlo, not me.”

  “If Carlo didn’t care
about you so much, he never would’ve changed me. It’s not like he goes around to hospitals changing everyone he sees.”

  Obviously Carlo didn’t think it was necessary to tell him the truth—that I said no to changing him. Another thing I should thank him for.

  “I guess he told you what you need to do to stay alive.”

  “Yeah. We absorb a damaged soul into ourselves.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  “It’s not like we’re grabbing people off the street. He told me the person would be at the point of death. What’s the alternative for a damaged soul?”

  Which is the million-dollar question.

  “I hope it doesn’t bother you that I’m going on about this,” he says. “It’s new, you know? I don’t want to make you jealous. You’re going to live a long, natural, wonderful life, Nic. I’m sure of it.”

  “I’m not jealous.”

  But I recognize my words for what they are: a lie. The question is—what am I going to do about it?

  WHISPERED

  WORD

  It’s a relief to go to Evermore that night, because I’ve spent hours trying to answer Josh’s questions about the Jiang Shi, and none of my answers are good enough for him. That’s the thing about Josh—when he wants to know something, he wants to know everything all at once, and pursues it tirelessly.

  I arrive at Evermore five minutes after my shift starts and get right to work without chatting with Zin or anyone else. But Zin is watching me, and when I bring back my first order, he asks, “How’d Josh take the news?”

  “Good. Great, actually.”

  He looks surprised. “Really?”

  “Yeah. He’s elated, like he’s been given the world.”

  “Wow, he can roll with the punches, that guy.”

  He fills my order, and I bring it to my customers. I was half expecting him to remind me of my promise to come over later. But he doesn’t have to—he knows I haven’t forgotten.

  Carlo greets me with a nod but doesn’t approach me. I suppose he’s trying to give me space, but the look in his eyes is urgent, even more so than last night.

  Since Rambo told me earlier that the Toprocks weren’t showing up tonight, I decide to go outside on my break to get some air and watch the usual lineup drama.