A Baby to Bind Them

by Susanne Hampton

  Anxiously, Jade turned to the tiny figure lying behind sterile glass walls. A sea of wires, all linked to monitors, supported her fragile life. Jade gently reached her hand through the porthole door of the incubator and gently stroked Amber’s warm, wrinkled skin. She was like a tiny china doll. Despairingly, Jade looked at her tiny niece’s beautiful face through the transparent head box that was supplying a constant stream of oxygen to make her breathing less difficult. All the while a drip was feeding nutrients through the sole of her swollen foot as the veins in her spindly arms had collapsed and had ceased being of any use for intravenous nourishment. The innocent child was fighting to survive, unaware that her parents’ lives had been taken by the cruel hand of fate.

  ‘You know, if there’s a glimmer of light in all of this,’ Melissa added, and crossed to Jade and gently placed a hand on her shoulder, ‘Amber isn’t suffering respiratory distress and her tiny lungs appear to be coping so she didn’t need a ventilator. I am amazed and a little bewildered by this and it does give me reason to give you the fifty-fifty chance ratio. Without that, her survival would be much lower than fifty per cent. At birth, I placed her survival at less than twenty per cent.’

  Jade took another deep breath. The odds were improving. However, the slight degree of optimism the doctor had imparted didn’t bring her peace of mind. Jade wanted the one hundred per cent guarantee that she knew in reality no one could provide.

  This environment was second nature to her, yet now being in neonatal ICU made her fearful. Every day, as a neonatal nurse, she cared for premature infants, yet seeing Amber needing the same level of intense assistance made her feel vulnerable. She had to pull herself together. Not for her sake but for Amber’s. She had to be able to process what was happening and, if called upon, make the right and informed decisions regarding her niece’s care.

  ‘And you moved her from the open radiant warmer last night?’ Jade asked, appreciating and finding a level of comfort in the compassion she had tried to deflect.

  ‘Yes. When you fell asleep for a few minutes in the early hours I decided that the increased stimulation from light and noise and the associated risk of decreased growth and weight gain was greater than the disadvantages of the incubator. She is just too tiny to lose any further body mass. The next twenty-four hours will be critical.’

  ‘Then it looks like we’re here together for another long day, Amber, but you will get through this,’ Jade promised aloud to the sleeping infant, before adding silently, And I will never leave your side. Never. Trying unsuccessfully to quash her unshed tears, she turned away before Melissa witnessed her breakdown. Through a watery blur, she watched the shaky breathing of her niece’s tiny body and felt so helpless it was overwhelming.

  She had never felt so totally powerless before in her life. She wished she had saved every forgotten wish from each birthday cake over the past twenty-six years and could tie them together to wish for the one thing she wanted with all her heart. If only she could gently lift the spindly bundle from her tiny glass crib and softly whisper that everything would be all right. But she couldn’t. There was no guarantee that everything would be all right. There were no promises of a future for this little girl clinging tenaciously to life. And if she did have a future it would be one without her mother and father.

  * * *

  The days passed slowly, but each hour that Amber lived gave Jade hope. The hospital granted her compassionate leave to focus on Amber. The baby’s weight was stabilising and the doctors looked less worried, as did the neonatal nurses, who were all friends as well as colleagues. None of them provided false hope but neither did they talk about the possibility that Amber might not survive.

  Her heart ached for the baby she had been with for four days. A baby as wanted and loved as any child could be. She was the daughter that Ruby and David had dreamed of and planned for so many years. It made the bleakness of the prognosis so much harder to handle. She worried that not having her mother’s love and natural bonding could add to the complications of Amber’s early entry into the world. Although Jade wasn’t her mother, she swore to herself she would be the next best thing and do everything in her power for the little girl at that moment and for the rest of her life. Amber had lost the mother she had never known but she would never lose Jade.

  She would spend her life making it up to her niece for sending her parents on the holiday that had claimed their lives. And she would spend her life being the woman that Ruby and David would want raising their little girl.

  But Jade was also struggling with her own grief. Grief the little girl knew nothing about. Over those first few days it was almost too much to bear. Not only was she close to crippled with worry about her niece, but she had also lost her sister. A sister she’d loved with all of her heart.

  Ruby and Jade had been close all their lives and even more so after the loss of their parents. Ruby had been, in Jade’s mind, the most wonderful sister in the world. She had been kind, and funny and nurturing. It was as if half of Jade was gone. Ripped from her life without warning. No chance to say goodbye. No opportunity to thank her sister for everything she had done. All the big sister advice she had given over the years. The advice that Jade had always appreciated but mostly ignored. The tears they had shed over boys who hadn’t been worth it. The late-night calls to chat about nothing much but which had somehow lasted for hours.

  It was all gone. She would never laugh with her sister again. She would never watch David look lovingly at his wife and hear them make plans and talk about their daughter’s education. How Ruby would tell him that the little girl would be brighter than anyone else in the class because he was the father, and how he would say she would be without doubt the prettiest because she would look like her mother.

  At times, Jade would tell them they sounded like a bad midday movie but their love for each other had been undeniable and real.

  With that in mind, Jade held herself together. She owed it to Ruby and David to be there for their daughter and surround her with the love they would have lavished on her.

  And then there was the added burden of guilt that sat heavily on her shoulders. No matter which way Jade looked at the situation, she felt responsible for Amber’s early entry into this world. She had played the scene over and over in her mind since the accident. Why had she booked the holiday for them? If only she hadn’t given them the present of a few days away in Palm Springs, they wouldn’t have been a part of that terrible accident. And Amber would still be safely inside her mother with another ten weeks until her much-anticipated birth.

  But instead, Jade was arranging the funeral of Amber’s parents and staying strong for the tiny daughter they would never be able to love. She knew they both had a battle ahead but they would face it together. All they had now in the world was each other.

  CHAPTER ONE

  ‘WE ARE NOW commencing our descent into Adelaide. Please ensure your tray table is secured and your seat is in the upright position. We will be landing in fifteen minutes and you will be disembarking at gate twenty-three. Current time in Adelaide is eleven-thirty. Your luggage will be available for collection on Carousel Five. On behalf of the cabin crew, we hope you enjoyed your flight and will fly again with us in the future.’

  Jade wound up the cord of her headset before she tucked it away after the flight attendant’s announcement, then, smiling, she looked over at her niece, still sleeping soundly. She looked like a tiny angel. Her little round face was resting in the pillow, her tight, strawberry-blonde curls a little messy, her arm tightly holding her rag doll and her bright blue eyes still hidden from the world. It was the second leg of their travel. The fifteen-hour-long haul from Los Angeles to Sydney had been followed by a shorter flight to Adelaide.

  The trip to Australia was not a journey that Jade had wanted to make initially and one that she had been delaying, but she had known it was the right thing to do. David’s mother, Maureen, and stepfather, Arthur, had wanted so much for their granddaughter to spend
some time in the town where their son, Amber’s father, had grown up. So here they both were, about to touch down in a city that she remembered from David’s conversations but a place she knew nothing about. Her stomach was churning nervously.

  The last time she had seen Maureen and Arthur had been at the funeral almost three years before. It had been a time that Jade would never forget. Despite the overwhelming grief that no one had tried to mask, they’d shown great kindness in allowing David to be buried in Los Angeles with his wife. Jade knew that it would have been reasonable for them to want their son to be buried near them in his home town, but they had all known that David would want to be laid to rest with the woman he’d loved.

  And so it was that they’d left their son for ever in a city eight thousand miles from them. It displayed a generosity of spirit, and Jade knew in her heart why David had been such a loving and considerate man. He had been his parents’ son.

  They had not visited Los Angeles again after the funeral, but Jade had accepted it would have been too sad to return to the place where their son had died. They had kept in contact with calls and emails and gifts for Amber’s birthday and Christmas. Amber’s birthdays were a bitter-sweet time for everyone as she had been born on the day her parents had both died. An unspoken agreement made them all try to celebrate the beautiful gift they had been given on that fateful day.

  Jade felt an empty ache inside for what everyone had lost. Some nights she lay awake with her memories and overwhelming sadness. A trigger such as Amber’s first step, first word, first anything reminded Jade of how Ruby and David should be there to witness their daughter’s milestones. And they weren’t.

  Amber never cried; she was too young to know what she was missing, and Jade was determined to devote her life to filling any gaps. Amber would never want for anything in her life. She would never be alone in the world.

  As they walked across the air bridge, Jade spied David’s mother and stepfather. Maureen was beaming with excitement, her smile so wide that Jade could see it before she entered the arrival lounge. Arthur’s expression was more stoic, almost stern, but she knew he was a good man and a generous one. Maureen was dressed in a pastel floral summer dress and wore flat gold sandals, her blonde hair cut in a short, modern style. Arthur wore long beige trousers with a navy and cream checked shirt, his hair silver grey. They were a stylishly conservative couple, sharing David’s dress sense, Jade thought.

  Holding Amber’s tiny hand in hers, Jade walked up the carpeted incline to where the couple were waiting. Still a little drowsy, Amber was struggling to hold on to her ragdoll, and the soft legs dragged behind them into the terminal.

  ‘Hello, Maureen,’ Jade said, and kissed the woman’s cheek lightly. Then she greeted Arthur with a kiss to his sun-wrinkled cheek. Jade wondered if it was tennis or golf that had weathered his happy face. Now retired, he had spent his working life as a surgeon so she knew it wasn’t from toiling in the midday sun.

  ‘Amber, sweetheart, this is Grandma and Grandpa.’

  ‘Hello, Amber, I hope you both had a good trip,’ Maureen said, directing her comment to Jade as she wrapped her arms around Amber and kissed her ruddy, warm cheek.

  ‘Hello,’ came Amber’s shy, almost muttered reply. Jade noticed her niece flinch and wriggle before she leant back, wanting to be in her arms. Understanding the little girl’s reticence at being embraced by a woman she didn’t know, Jade gently reached for her.

  ‘She’s a bit tired,’ she said apologetically, and she lifted the child, who was now looking quite worried, almost teary, into her arms ‘It was a long flight, but I certainly couldn’t complain. It was very generous of you to fly us here first class.’

  ‘Nonsense, we wouldn’t have it any other way,’ Maureen announced, still stroking the little girl’s arm, and to Jade’s relief not offended by the child’s reaction. ‘Nothing is too good for either of you. You are family and our home is your home for as long as you can stay. I’m hoping you love Adelaide so much you won’t ever leave. We have such a big house all to ourselves.’

  Smiling, Arthur rolled his eyes at the complete lack of subtlety in his wife’s announcement, took hold of Jade’s carry-on luggage, and together, the four of them made their way to collect the checked-in luggage.

  Jade smiled at the warmth and genuine sentiment in Maureen’s words. But it would never happen. Their lives were in Los Angeles and they were in Adelaide for one month. It was all the leave she could take from Cedars Sinai, where she still worked but now part time. Jade had thought about leaving when Amber had been discharged to her care. She had wondered how she would pull into the car park of the hospital where her sister had passed away. But over time it gave her comfort to know she was where Ruby had spent her last moments of life. And where Amber had taken her first breath.

  But now they were in Adelaide and, despite being a little weary, Jade was happy she had made the trip. Maureen and Arthur had lost their son and they deserved to spend time with their granddaughter. It would be Amber’s third birthday while they were together and the third anniversary of Ruby and David’s death. They could both console each other and celebrate together.

  As they all headed down the escalators, Arthur insisted on collecting their bags from the luggage carousel so Jade and Amber could enjoy the sun outside.

  ‘Go on, head outside and stretch your legs,’ he told Jade.

  ‘Amber’s case is bright pink with yellow polka dots,’ Jade replied as she scooped up the rag doll, now a little grubby from being dragged through the airport, and put it in her oversized handbag. ‘Mine’s a little less embarrassing for you. It’s a silver hard-shell suitcase with a red luggage tag.’

  Arthur smiled, handed Maureen Jade’s carry-on and headed over to wait with the other passengers and families for the luggage to arrive.

  Slipping on her sunglasses, Jade stepped out under the brilliant blue sky with Amber stuck by her side like a magnet. The sun felt good on her face. Perhaps a break like this was just what they both needed.

  ‘We can’t tell you how excited we both are to have you and Amber here, Jade.’

  Jade turned and smiled at Amber’s grandmother. The joy in Maureen’s face made the long flight worthwhile to Jade. ‘We’re very happy to be here.’

  It wasn’t long before Arthur reappeared with the two large suitcases and they were on their way to the high-rise airport car park.

  ‘Uncle Mitchell might be there when we get home,’ Maureen said to Amber, who in turn showed little reaction to the words of the nice older lady she didn’t know.

  Jade was momentarily confused. Uncle Mitchell? Then quickly the fog of the long flight lifted and she remembered David’s brother. Although last she’d heard he was still living in some remote part of the world. He was the older but immature brother who never settled down but instead travelled widely and lived his life as one great big adventure. Like a nomad who pitched a tent wherever the mood took him.

  ‘Isn’t Mitchell living overseas?’

  Maureen ran her fingers gently through Amber’s mess of curls that Jade realised badly needed a brush. This time Amber didn’t flinch, and Jade surmised that her niece had worked out that Maureen posed no threat. Jade hoped the two would grow close quite quickly, as their time together would be limited and precious.

  ‘No, Mitchell’s here in Adelaide at the moment. He’s been in Africa for over four years but he came home a few months ago. Not long after he heard you were planning on visiting. Quite a coincidence really.’ She raised her gaze to meet Jade’s and with a knowing look added, ‘I think he knew we needed him. Although he’ll never admit it. He’s quite the independent type but I think he was worried about all of us. Not sure how long he’ll stay, though, as he’s not one to lay down any roots. But still, he’s here and he has the opportunity to meet you and celebrate his niece’s birthday and that is all that matters.’

  Jade didn’t give it much thought. Her focus was to repay Arthur and Maureen for their kindness in the only
way she could—by allowing them to spend time with Amber. Uncle Mitchell could waltz in and out as he pleased, which, from everything she had heard, was his style. No fixed address for any extended period appeared to be his way of life and it didn’t look as if it had changed.

  Mitchell’s devil-may-care way of life was not her concern. She had met men like him before and had dated a few of them but that was in her past. And she had no intention of treading in that territory again. When it came to men Jade was numb. She didn’t hate men, but she certainly didn’t need a man in her life any more. Her priorities had changed the night of the accident. She didn’t have time to think about men or relationships. They no longer factored into her life.

  Now her focus was Amber, her work at the hospital and building a happy, secure life for the two of them. Men were a distraction and she didn’t have room in her life for any distractions. She owed her sister and David her undivided attention to their daughter. She had promised them both that in her prayers the night Amber had been born.

  ‘So how is little Amber doing?’ Arthur asked matter-of-factly, as he inserted his validated parking ticket into the machine and waited for the arm to rise and release them. ‘I know she’s had a number of medical issues but she’s a far cry from the infant we saw in ICU. She looks the picture of health now.’ As he spoke, the automated arm lifted, and they left the car park and headed in the direction of the main road that would lead to their beachside residence.

  Jade looked down at Amber, who was still drowsy and now sucking her thumb. The last time she’d seen Maureen and David had been at the funeral and when they’d visited Amber in hospital. She had been less than a week old and a little over two pounds by then. The little girl had been through so much over the years and there were still potential medical hurdles ahead, but Jade tried not to dwell on them. She was also aware that Arthur was a retired orthopaedic surgeon so he had the understanding and ability to process the medical details.