The Daddy Dilemma

by Tia Siren

  “I might do it myself, but I think for now I’ll just stop working doubles.” I had a month left and a good night’s sleep would fix everything. I felt another cramp and let out a breath.

  “I think I’m having those Braxton Hicks or something.”

  “Are you sure?” Lucy asked with concern as I reached for my water. I wondered when we were going to move as I sipped it and felt another cramp.

  “Yeah. Pregnancy is full of aches and pains, and she has a month before she’s supposed to move out. Although, earlier wouldn’t be terrible,” I joked as Lucy laughed.

  “When can you have her without worrying?” Lucy asked.

  “I guess after a couple of weeks or so. She’s growing a lot, but I am going to the doctor every week for a while. They’re going to keep an eye on me.”

  I settled into my mattress and craved sleep, but I could talk to Lucy for a little while. I kind of wanted to see Ryan tonight too. I wanted to snuggle with him.

  “Ouch. I’ve felt these all day long.”

  “How far apart are they?” Lucy asked. I looked at the clock. “Want me to come over?” I stared at the clock. One cramp…two cramps…suddenly it was six in fifteen minutes, and I gasped.

  “I just had six in fifteen minutes, Lucy. I’m not ready.” I sat up and felt a panic attack kicking in. “I need to get a bag ready to go.” I stood up, and a sharp pain made me lean on the bed as I felt liquid gush down my thighs. “Lucy, I think that my water just broke.”

  “Oh, shit. Shit. I’m coming over and calling Ryan. We’ll get to the hospital just fine.” Lucy tried to sound calm, but I knew she was freaking out too. “Try to get some stuff together. I’ll be there in five minutes.” I dropped the phone and stumbled around the house, throwing things into a backpack.

  “Damn it. Why are you doing this, Elle? I’m not ready. I haven’t even bought the big stuff. Where are you going to sleep?” I gave up and dropped the backpack before reaching for an oversized sweatshirt. I found my flip-flops as I started to cry.

  I didn’t even know what I needed to bring. It was too early. I stumbled toward the door and heard Lucy calling my name as I opened it. She hugged me and grabbed my purse as she led me by the hand to a cab.

  “Shouldn’t I take an ambulance or something? I’m leaking everywhere.” Lucy handed me a towel and kept pulling me to the car as I cried harder. The cabbie gave me a strange look as Lucy took the towel and placed it on the seat.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “She’s not due for a month. This is scaring me.”

  Lucy shot me a look as she pushed me into the car. “Brea, women have babies every day. This isn’t the first time doing this. We’re going to make it to the hospital.” She buckled my seat belt and did the same to hers before barking at the driver to get to Mercy General, safely and quickly. I reached for her hand and held on tightly as I prayed for the first time in years. I wasn’t ready for my daughter to be here. I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet. I needed Ryan, a crib, and diapers. I needed everything.

  “Lucy, I’m not ready for this.”

  “It seems like Elle is. Don’t worry. You don’t need anything right now. We can deal with that later,” Lucy told me as she peered forward. “We’re almost there.”

  I looked up as the car stopped in front of the main entrance and Lucy slid out. She tossed the cabbie a bill and pulled me out, calling for help as we walked. Everything moved quickly as a nurse came forward with a wheelchair and eased me into it. I was taken to an elevator and then the third floor where they brought me into a room. I moved to the bed with the help of Lucy and a nurse.

  They checked me as I stared at the ceiling, telling me that I was dilated to two centimeters. This was it and they were going to get me set up in here. Lucy helped me change into a gown. They hooked me up to an IV and told me to relax as Lucy sat down and stared at me.

  “Is she ready?” I asked. Lucy nodded.

  “They said that she might have to stay here for a while after she’s born, but that everything should be fine. This will be fine,” Lucy assured me as we heard someone in the hallway. Ryan walked into the room and raced over to me as he took the seat opposite Lucy.

  “What is happening?” he asked as he took my hand. “You’re not working any more doubles. You’re not working at all.” I laughed and took a deep breath.

  “I was having cramps all day today, but they weren’t that bad. I came home, and they were stronger and Lucy told me to time them.” I babbled as he looked at me. “I realized that I’d had six in fifteen minutes and they might not be Braxton Hicks like I thought. I told her to come over and then stood up to pack a bag and my water broke.” I gave him a hopeless look, and he leaned in to kiss me.

  “She wants out,” he told me as I sniffled. “She wants out and we want to meet her. My dad wants to meet her.” I gasped as Ryan nodded. “Some shit went down tonight and we talked. Things are going to be good again.”

  “I’m so glad,” I told him. He smiled brightly. I’d seen the worry in his eyes, and I wanted him to be peaceful again. I wanted to have more than just me and Elle. I wanted her to have a family. They checked on me over the next few hours, and I dilated slowly.

  The doctor mentioned Pitocin to get the process moving faster. Ryan quizzed her on everything before we decided to do it since I might be in labor all week otherwise. It would be nice for Elle to keep cooking, but once the water broke that was that. I had to give birth to her. The drug made the contractions ten times worse, and I cried for an epidural as Lucy went to find a nurse. Ryan held my hand as they inserted the needle into my back. I held still as I felt another contraction coming.

  I was numb after that and calm. That pain was more pressure and I felt like I could enjoy this experience now. I didn’t even know how I wanted to do this yet since it was so early. I hadn’t done the tour or seen the options. I was just here. Lucy and Ryan stayed with me, of course.

  I called my mom, and she cried for me when she found out I was early. I talked to her for a while as Ryan paced the room, calling his dad as Lucy stroked my hair back. In a couple hours, they told me I was at seven centimeters and only had a little while to go.

  “I think I waited too long for the Pitocin. Elle is changing her mind,” I told them as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I never got to sleep after my double shift and I was so tired. I dozed off for a little while, dreaming of a baby with dark blond hair and bright blue eyes like Ryan’s. I murmured her name as I looked at her and called out for Ryan as I looked around.

  “I’m right here, baby.” I opened my eyes with a start to see him sitting beside me, looking as tired as I felt.

  “I dreamed about her. She was so beautiful,” I told him. He kissed my hair. The color had faded after a few weeks, and Ryan had insisted that I do it again since he loved it so much. He told me that he liked the vibrancy of the colors and the way it made me feel free.

  We were free. Ryan told me he was going to get the inheritance soon. His dad gave him the information tonight. My bills would be paid off and Ryan could start his company. We could move in together and take Elle with us.

  Oh, God. Elle was coming, and we weren’t even living in the same house. We didn’t have a crib or anything yet. I wasn’t ready.

  I noticed that Ryan was on the phone a few times but was too nervous about the birth. It was going to be soon and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t prevent it.

  I cried when they told me it was time. The room was suddenly full as my doctor stood before me, my feet in stirrups. There were a few nurses around and they were all ready to take Elle to be examined as soon as she was born. There were risks to this, but they all assured me that it would be fine. She wasn’t that early.

  Ryan sat beside me, his hand in my hair as I thought about the night I’d wanted. I had wanted to sleep in his arms, too tired to make love. I had just wanted to be with him. I still felt the pressure and knew it was time when they told me. I pushed like they said, hearing Lucy cheering me on fr
om my left while Ryan told me how great I was doing from my right.

  I was so glad that the pain was less than before and admired the women who did this the natural way. I thought about my mom for a moment, a few states away. I knew she wanted to be here now. Even if we had planned it around Elle’s due date, she wouldn’t have made it. Life was funny that way, but she’d be here once we were home.

  She’d help me.

  Would Ryan’s mom help me? He told me she was supposed to be getting some help so she could be a good grandma but that his dad was excited. He would be here tomorrow. I only wanted it to be Lucy and Ryan right now. I pushed when they told me to, and Ryan cried when he told me her head was out. I wanted to see, but I hadn’t thought about the mirror I’d read about somewhere.

  “What color is her hair?” I asked. He looked again, clutching my hand.

  “I think it’s dark and there’s a lot of it. It’s hard to tell right now,” he said. I nodded and heard them tell me to push again. I did, and someone said that her shoulders were out as I took a deep breath. I was almost done. Lucy and Ryan held my legs in place as I sucked air into my lungs.

  This was nothing like I had expected it to be, yet it was everything.

  I pushed once more, then twice.

  There was a loud cry in the room as I closed my eyes and heard the doctor say it was a girl.

  I was a mom. Ryan was a dad.

  They took her across the room to examine her as Ryan held my hand and looked across the room at our daughter. Lucy cried as she hugged me and I delivered the placenta with a soft moan. I knew I was going to hurt tonight, and if not, then tomorrow. I knew this was going to be hard. I turned my head to find Ryan’s lips as I realized just how much I loved him.

  CHAPTER 19

  Ryan

  The night before flashed through my mind as I sat beside the bed in Brea’s room. Elle was small at just under six pounds, but they felt good about her development. She would stay here in the hospital in the NICU, but she was here with us for now.

  I held her and stared at her tiny face. She had dark blond hair and the sweetest heart-shaped mouth. From what I could tell, her eyes were a dark blue, but I knew they could change. So could her hair.

  I looked up at Brea as she looked at Elle and me with a loving smile. She had done a great job yesterday, and while she was a bit sore this morning, she was happy. We were both relieved Elle was going to be fine and that we’d get to take her home after a short hospital stay. Brea already told them she wanted to stay with her here until they could both leave so she could nurse and always be available for Elle.

  My daughter fussed, and I handed her to Brea. She held Elle close to her chest, preparing to feed her. Elle latched on a few times and was doing great, but I wasn’t exactly sure how it all worked. I had bought the right books but wasn’t to that chapter yet. Elle let out a cry, and Brea lowered her gown to give her one nipple as I thought to myself how much I loved her. She looked beautiful right now, more so than ever before. I watched as she pulled the gown over them. I snapped a photo of Elle’s little head peeking out from the pink material. I was going to take so many photos of these two that I thought about buying a new camera just for the occasion.

  There was a knock on the door.

  “Can I come in and see my new granddaughter?” Dad asked as he pushed open the door to peer in at us.

  “Come on in. She’s eating, but you can hold her after,” I told him as he stepped forward hesitantly. He was nervous, glancing around as if he’d never been a hospital before.

  “I wasn’t sure if you would be sleeping or not after the long day yesterday,” he said softly, looking at Brea. “You look beautiful. Great job, Mama.” He looked at the tiny lump underneath the pink gown, and I swore I saw tears in his eyes. “She’s healthy?” I’d been on the phone with him several times, keeping him updated, but I could still see the worry on his face.

  “They’re both doing great, but they’re going to keep Elle for a few extra days before they send her home.” I looked up as he glanced at me and then back at Elle.

  “Are you going to go home without her?” he asked, and Brea shook her head.

  “Ryan already arranged a family room for us so I can keep nursing. We’ll be leaving together,” she said softly as I looked at her, falling more in love with her as she stroked Elle’s tiny head. “We don’t even have a place together yet. She came too early for that.”

  “That’s not even an issue, Brea. We’ll sort that out,” I assured her while she stroked Elle’s back. “Is she finished?”

  “For now. I think she’s falling asleep again.” Brea continued to stroke her, urging a burp out of her as I leaned forward. She moved Elle from under the gown and handed her to me as she fixed herself, blushing a bit. Brea was a modest girl and had already said she would be covered if she ever nursed in public. It was sweet considering how comfortable she’d gotten with me over the last few weeks.

  “Want to hold her?” I asked Dad. He looked scared for a moment. “Hold out your arms.” He did, and I placed her there easily, tucking her head in the crook of his arm. She went back to sleep, her eyes fluttering with exhaustion.

  “She’s so tiny and beautiful,” he whispered as tears filled his eyes. I looked at Brea and could tell she was feeling emotional after everything that had happened with my family lately. “I can’t believe I almost threw away the chance to be a part of her life.” I watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and felt a little choked up myself. What had happened with my mother had been awful, but at the end of it all she was going to finally going to rehab. My parents had had a long talk in the morning and she’d agreed to his terms. “I’m sorry. I am sorry to both of you for acting the way I did.”

  “I’m just glad things are sorted out now. I can’t wait for your wife to meet her too,” Brea assured him as she wiped tears from her own cheeks.

  “She’s looking forward to that,” Dad told her as he moved to sit down. “She already told me to get you anything you need. Elle arrived too early for the baby shower, didn’t she?” He looked at us as Brea sighed and nodded.

  “Lucy will work something out. She’s good at that,” I said as I reached for Brea’s hand.

  “I guess she can just push it back. The guests and everything will still be the same,” Brea said sleepily as she looked at my dad and Elle with a warm look on her face. “They look so cute together.”

  “He’s going to be good for her,” I agreed softly, and she smiled wider.

  “I think she’s going to be good for him,” she said. I squeezed her hand.

  “Probably so. I’m just glad there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” I took a deep breath and thought about my mom. She was currently on a plane with a chaperone, going to the rehab center, which sounded more like a resort in the Hamptons. It was going to be good for her.

  Dad stayed for a while, holding Elle as she slept. Brea closed her eyes and finally rested while I watched her. The labor had been long and wearying, but she’d held out like a champ.

  Brea had cried when they’d brought Elle over to us and we both looked her over slowly. She had a lot of dark blond hair and was tiny, but beautiful. Brea had tenderly counted her toes and fingers as she’d whispered how much she already loved her. I got her a large private room with a couch so I could stay with her and help when Elle was in the room. Since she was healthy, that would be often. I loved watching Brea nurture our daughter already. I had also asked for a room once Brea could check out so she could be available to nurse and bond with Elle.

  I hugged my dad good-bye when he excused himself to return home, thanking him for coming by with a large bouquet of pink flowers and a teddy bear for Elle. The baby was fussing, and I passed her to Brea to nurse again and then held her while Brea took a nap. I stared into her face, seeing my future. I had never thought I wanted this until I’d met Brea and gotten the crazy idea to have a family with the initial intent of getting my inheritance. It wasn’t about that anymore,
though I was grateful to my gram for setting something aside for me.

  I wished she could see Elle now. She’d passed away too long ago to even know that I wanted a baby. I thought about my parents. I had expected us to be separate families when Elle was born. It had made me sad when I’d thought about it, but things had changed for the better. I would always hate the fight I’d had with my mom, but it had made Dad see something he hadn’t before. He knew things needed to change and he finally told Mom that. He defended me and my family, giving me real hope for our future.

  I leaned back as my daughter yawned and snuggled closer to me. I was already in love with her and wanted to do everything I could to protect her. I wanted to take care of her and wrap her in a safe blanket so nothing could ever hurt her. I wanted her to stay away from boys like me when she got older. If she looked anything like her mother, that was going to start early. I looked at Brea, sleeping against the pillow with her hands folded over her stomach as she breathed evenly.

  It made me think back to the first morning I’d woken up beside her. I’d never felt like that about a woman before, no matter how much I had tried to deny it. I had chalked it up to good sex, but there was a feeling of comfort that came from being with her. I smiled as I wondered if marrying her had been a part of my plan the entire time, and it was just a matter of time. I shook my head as I leaned down to kiss Elle’s soft head and breathe her in.

  They came in to check on the baby a few times throughout the afternoon as Brea chatted with her coworkers on the phone. They were surprised by the early birth and thrilled for us both. Brea promised she’d come to see everyone as soon as she could. We also Skyped with her mom. When she saw Elle, both women cried as I held her in my arms and rocked her gently. Elle seemed to be affected by the tears, and I smiled at Brea as she wiped a tear from her face.