Pictures of Lily

by Paige Toon

  ‘What are you up to tonight?’ He changes the subject.

  ‘Going out with Josh.’ I like being able to reply to this question for two reasons. One, I’m relieved I have plans for a change, and two, I know this answer will annoy Ben. I take a strange sense of pleasure from that.

  ‘Oh, right.’

  Yep, he’s pissed off. Good.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he asks.

  ‘Stirling.’

  ‘Doesn’t that guy ever go anywhere else?’

  Of course he does, and Ben knows it as well as I do. But I don’t want to push it any further.

  ‘What about you?’ I ask instead.

  ‘Another night in front of the telly, I imagine.’

  ‘Don’t party too hard,’ I say meanly, and regret it when he abruptly gets up. ‘You off?’

  ‘Lunchtime’s over,’ he says coolly, holding down his hand to me. I take it and he pulls me to my feet. I follow him up the slope, my face burning.

  ‘Have fun with the dingoes. See you tomorrow,’ he says with an air of finality as he breaks away to head towards the kangaroos. And quite bizarrely, I feel like I’m going to cry.

  That night I find myself in the middle of some surreal game that Josh is playing with Lou. Her Army bloke ex that Shane mentioned to me a few weeks ago is back in town for Christmas, and Lou seems intent on making Josh jealous. He in turn, I suspect, is using me to get back at her. He’s been trying to teach me to play pool, and even though my mind is stuck on Ben, it’s still kind of nice to feel someone’s arms around me as I’m shown how to hold a pool cue and bounce balls off the cushions into pockets.

  By ten o’clock Josh has cornered me in a booth while I try to ignore Lou giving us evils from across the bar. Her attempts to flirt with her ex have backfired because he’s currently chatting up a petite brunette by the toilets.

  ‘It’s weird how our parents hooked up, isn’t it?’ Josh says, his dark-brown eyes gazing intently into mine.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose so,’ I reply offhandedly, and I know that my indifference is driving him mad. He’s so used to being the centre of every girl’s attention. ‘Have you shagged Lou yet?’

  He looks taken aback at my direct question. ‘No,’ he replies, flustered. ‘Why would I do that?’

  ‘I thought you were into each other.’

  ‘What gave you that idea?’

  ‘Something Shane said on that night out in Adelaide.’

  ‘What an arsehole,’ Josh scoffs. ‘She’s been around way too much for me.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ I smirk. ‘I thought you were the one who’d been around?’

  ‘Did Shane tell you that, too?’

  ‘No, it wasn’t him, actually.’

  ‘Who, then?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s true though, isn’t it?’

  ‘Girls like guys who are experienced.’

  ‘Do they, now?’

  ‘Don’t you?’ he challenges me. ‘Or haven’t you got to third base yet?’

  Now he’s the one who’s smirking and it pisses me off.

  I put on a fake pout. ‘No. Do you want to deflower me?’ His eyes light up and I let out a sharp laugh. ‘In your dreams, you sad git. Budge over, I need the loo.’

  He doesn’t move. He stares at me with defiance and a touch of anger, and I realise that Josh does not like being made a fool out of.

  I don’t give a toss.

  ‘Move,’ I hiss, snapping him out of his mood.

  I come out of the toilets a few minutes later to see Josh at the bar, ordering whisky shots. I slip outside unnoticed and call a taxi with the mobile phone Mum lent me. I’ll text him on the way home to let him know where I’ve gone.

  ‘Ho, ho, ho, MERRY CHRISTMAS!’

  This is the sound I wake up to on Saturday morning, Michael booming his way down the corridor and banging on every door he passes. I groan and fall out of bed.

  My next thought is Josh. Did he make it home okay? There’s no way I’m going into his bedroom to check so I pull on my dressing-gown and hurry down the corridor into the living room to look out of the front window. His car is on the driveway. Phew. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.

  I’ve somehow managed to sleep in until ten, so I only have three and a half hours to get through before I see Ben again. Mum wants to do presents as soon as possible. We have to wait another half an hour though before Josh emerges, hungover and dishevelled. He ignores me and I don’t particularly care.

  Michael gives Mum a watch and she gives him a jumper, which he finds amusing considering it’s the middle of summer. I get a bunch of little things like shower gel and body butter from the Body Shop, glitzy earrings that I’ll probably never wear, and the new album from my favourite band, Fence.

  Mum likes the candle and perfume I got for her, and Michael is excessively delighted with the socks I ended up buying for him. Josh didn’t get me anything so he looks a little shamefaced when I hand over a gift-wrapped box of salted macadamia nuts.

  I spend ages in the bathroom getting ready and take great care over my outfit, eventually deciding to wear my black skirt again, this time with a purple top. I leave my hair down, but go to the trouble of applying lipgloss, plus mascara to lift my light-brown eyes. Then I wait.

  Michael cracks open the bubbly at one o’clock. At one-thirty, Mum tells us to take a seat at the table. I look at her in confusion.

  ‘Aren’t we waiting for Ben?’

  ‘He’s not coming,’ she says, as though she thought I knew.

  I feel as if she’s kicked me in the stomach. ‘Why not?’ I glance from her to Michael in a panic. Michael answers.

  ‘One of his koalas was taken ill in the night. Ben didn’t want to leave it.’

  ‘Was it Olivia?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘But . . . but he can’t miss Christmas!’ I cry, utterly and irrationally distraught.

  ‘He doesn’t care, love.’ Michael waves me away.

  ‘But Mum’s made a turkey for him!’ Even to me, this sounds like a ludicrous thing to say.

  ‘Maybe we can save him some.’

  ‘Can we take it to him later? Today – after lunch?’ I ask hopefully, my voice squeaking more and more with each question.

  ‘Erm . . .’

  ‘Please? Will you give me a lift?’ I beg.

  ‘Oh, Lily, would you stop going on?’ Mum interjects with annoyance, but Michael concedes.

  ‘No, it’s fine.’

  ‘I want to check that the koala is alright. It might be Olivia,’ I add, ignoring Mum as she tuts and rolls her eyes. And of course, I do want to make sure Olivia is alright. She should have been my primary concern and I’m instantly ashamed at myself that she wasn’t.

  Lunch drags by. By the time Michael reaches for the bottle of bubbly to top up his glass for the third time, I can’t stop myself from speaking out.

  ‘Should you be drinking that if you’re going to drive me to Ben’s?’

  Michael immediately looks sheepish and takes a sip of water instead.

  ‘You know, you could catch a taxi,’ Mum points out.

  ‘I’ll never get one on Christmas day!’ I cry.

  ‘Why the hell do you want to go over to his place?’ Josh butts in.

  ‘I want to check on the koala,’ I reply, giving him a pointed stare. ‘You know, the one whose mother you killed.’

  ‘Lily . . .’ Mum warns.

  I turn to Michael. ‘Do you want to take me now? Then you can have a drink. Ben will give me a lift home.’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure,’ he says.

  Mum stands up wearily and smoothes down her blonde hair. ‘I’ll get a plate together.’

  Fifteen minutes later I’m in the front seat of the car nursing a plate of hot food covered over with aluminium foil.

  ‘He’ll really appreciate this,’ I say to Michael.

  ‘He sounded very pleased on the phone,’ he agrees. ‘It was nice of you to think of him.’

&nb
sp; I don’t say anything, but joy is bubbling over inside me at this turn of events. I glance out of the window as we pull up outside Ben’s place. I was too busy concentrating on reversing out of his driveway when I last came here in daylight, but now I can see that his quaint colonial-style house is nestled in amongst the trees. Large round purple flowers have been planted around the front porch.

  ‘He’s been a bit lonely without Charlotte here,’ Michael adds.

  ‘Who? Oh, is that his nan?’ It’s not a very old lady-ish sounding name.

  ‘No.’ Michael laughs. ‘Charlotte. His girlfriend – fiancée, rather.’

  My heart stops. Literally – stops.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ The blood drains from my face.

  ‘Here’s our man.’ Michael nods past me and I turn to see a gorgeous, smiling Ben standing in the doorway. ‘Have a good time, love. Hope the joey’s okay.’

  I’m frozen to my seat, staring out of the window in shock at the person who I now feel absolutely certain is the love of my life. His eyes meet mine and his smile wavers.

  I come to life and open up the door, struggling to carry the plate as I step onto the steep incline of the driveway. Ben starts as though coming to my aid, but I find my footing and walk towards the door, my eyes on the pavement. I glance up to register the confusion on his face as he steps aside and waves to Michael. I look down again as I pass through the door. His feet are bare.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asks, closing the door behind me.

  ‘How’s Olivia?’ I blurt out.

  ‘She’s fine, don’t worry. It was another koala at the park. I’ve given her an injection of antibiotics, so we should see an improvement in the morning.’ Keepers rarely call the vet unless it’s an emergency. They administer medications, take blood and complete all the medical recording. They even assist with operations at the park on occasion.

  ‘I’m going back to check on her in a couple of hours,’ Ben continues. ‘It’s okay,’ he stresses, putting his hand on my arm. He obviously assumes this is the reason for my catatonic expression. ‘Come through. Olivia’s in the living room if you want to check her over for yourself.’

  I lead the way then turn back to pass him the plate. ‘I brought you this,’ I mutter.

  ‘Excellent, thanks. And I got you this.’ He reaches behind himself to take a red-and-white striped parcel from the top of a cabinet. He hands it over, grinning. I didn’t buy him anything in the end. I was worried it would make my feelings for him appear too obvious.

  ‘What is it?’ I ask. My heart is still in my throat. I feel like I could choke to death on it.

  ‘Open it and see.’ His smile falls from his face once more at my appearance. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks again.

  I sit on the sofa in a daze and carefully open the present, not wanting to tear the wrapping paper for who-knows-what reason. Six rolls of film spill out. My eyes fill with tears and my face crumbles.

  ‘Lily, what’s wrong?’ he asks in horror, taking a seat next to me and putting his warm hand on my arm. I shrug him off and immediately regret it. Burying my head in my hands I try so hard not to sob. I desperately want to know the truth about whoever this Charlotte person is, but I just don’t know how to ask, especially not now that he’s seen my reaction. I feel like such a stupid, silly little girl.

  ‘Please tell me,’ he urges quietly.

  I shake my head violently from side to side, wanting him to disappear for a few minutes so I can get my act together. I so wish I had my licence so I could drive far, far away from here.

  ‘Look, she’s okay. She’s over there.’

  I glance up to follow his extended finger in the direction of Olivia, snuggled up and asleep in a box by the heater. It may be hot outside, but it’s still cool within these thick stone walls. I nod.

  ‘That’s not it though, is it? Is it your dad? Kay? Olivia? Nothing’s happened to the baby, has it?’

  ‘No, no, no.’ I avoid his gaze. ‘Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘I’ve never seen you like this. Is it Dan? Shannon?’

  As if I give a shit about my ex-boyfriend and one-time best friend now. ‘No.’

  ‘Do you want a drink?’ he asks hopefully.

  Actually, all I really want is for him to take me home again so I can cry my heart out in the peace and quiet of my own bedroom. But that would be even more inexplicable, so I reply, ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘Good.’ He stands up, looking relieved. ‘Coke? Lemonade?’

  ‘Lemonade, please.’

  I cast my gaze around the room when he’s gone, looking for anything that would give me a clue about this absent girlfriend. There are no photos of her that I can see, although I suppose there could be one lurking in his bedroom. I wonder what she looks like. Wait, could she be dead? My heart lifts and I know how awful it is to have that reaction, but maybe that’s what Michael meant about him being, what did he say? ‘A bit lonely.’ Hmm. Not exactly the phrasing you’d use to describe someone who’s lost his partner to the Other Side. I wonder what she looks like . . .

  Ben returns, his expression grave. ‘Nothing’s happened with Josh, has it?’ I take my drink from him and almost spill it.

  ‘Hell, no!’

  ‘Oh, okay. Good.’ He laughs awkwardly.

  ‘Oh, Ben.’ I sigh and turn to put my glass on a side-table, feeling a bit more like my old self. ‘Pass me a coaster, would you?’ He takes one from the table at his side of the sofa and hands it over. I turn to face him. He’s still looking confused and I don’t know what comes over me, but I meet his eyes steadily and on impulse ask him outright.

  ‘Who’s Charlotte?’

  ‘Charlotte?’ He shifts uncomfortably. ‘She’s . . . er . . . she’s my girlfriend.’

  I don’t know why he finds it so hard to say this out loud, but he’s clearly ill at ease.

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘England,’ he answers, looking down at his mug and not meeting my eyes.

  ‘England? Where in England?’

  ‘London.’

  I find myself laughing bitterly. ‘You’ve got a girlfriend – or is it fiancée – who lives in the city I’ve just left, and you never thought to tell me?’

  ‘I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about stuff like that.’

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ I cry. ‘I told you how my boyfriend shagged my best friend right in front of me and you didn’t even think to mention you have a girlfriend? Why not?’

  I’m speaking to him as if I’m his equal. With confidence and as if I deserve these answers. The fact that I’m a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl has flown right out of my mind.

  ‘Look at me!’ I cry.

  He raises two grave eyes to meet mine and we stare at each other for a long time. And then I crumble again and start to sob. He doesn’t touch me, doesn’t comfort me. Eventually I glance up to see him with his head in his hands at my side. He’s a man, a grown man, but he looks lost. I put my hand on his back and it snaps him out of his reverie. I take my hand away as he looks at me, utter despair on his face.

  ‘Say something,’ I plead.

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ His voice is strained and it hits me that – oh no! – he’s embarrassed for me. I’ve made a complete and utter fool out of myself.

  ‘I want to go home.’ I sound even younger than I am.

  He gets to his feet. ‘I’ll give you a lift.’

  We don’t speak on the journey. I stare out of the window, mortified to my core. I don’t know how I’ll ever face him again. Back at the house, I open the car door before he’s pulled to a complete stop. He reaches across to grab my hand and I snatch it away in shock.

  ‘Lily, I’m sorry,’ he says, anguish in his voice.

  I don’t say anything, just climb out, slam the door and run up the footpath as fast as my stupidly high-heel-clad feet can carry me.

  Chapter 8

  I feign a dodgy stomach and spend the rest of the afternoon in my room, tr
ying to forget the day’s events and musing about whether a large brick to the head would help me permanently erase my embarrassment. There is no way I’m going to work tomorrow. I’m actually toying with the idea of quitting altogether.

  By early evening I drag myself out of my bedroom in need of distraction, hoping that there will be something good on TV. Mum, Michael and Josh are slumped on the sofas tucking into turkey leftovers.

  ‘There you are, love!’ Michael exclaims. He and Mum squash up closer together on the sofa so I can squeeze in. Josh turns up the TV. There’s a Tom Cruise movie on the box.

  ‘Are you feeling better?’ Mum asks.

  ‘Not really. I don’t think I’ll be going into work tomorrow,’ I tell Michael, preparing the way for my absenteeism.

  ‘See how you feel in the morning,’ he annoyingly replies. ‘How was Olivia?’ he adds.

  ‘She’s fine. Another koala at the park was ill,’ I reply, staring at Tom mixing cocktails in front of us.

  ‘So this Olivia then, you called her after your half-sister?’ Mum asks.

  ‘Yes,’ I reply bluntly. I don’t need any of the usual grief I get from Mum about my dad’s offspring.

  ‘That’s nice,’ she says in a restrained voice, crossing her long, lean legs in front of her on the coffee table. I notice she has a tan. Probably spending her days in the garden, sunbathing. She continues, ‘When you two talk about “the joey” I always picture a kangaroo in my head. I didn’t know koala babies were called joeys, too.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘How was Ben?’ Michael asks me casually.

  ‘Fine.’ And then it occurs to me that I could get some answers here and now, if I play it right. ‘I think you’re spot on though. He misses Charlotte.’

  ‘Who’s Charlotte?’

  Good work, Mum.

  ‘His fiancée. She’s a Pommie. Went back home a couple of months ago,’ Michael explains.

  ‘Oh, that must be hard,’ Mum says. ‘We know what it’s like conducting a long-distant relationship, don’t we, love?’ She grins at Michael and I want to prod her to make sure she doesn’t change the subject.

  ‘He’ll be with her soon enough,’ Michael declares.

  Bile rises up in my throat. I try to sound indifferent as I ask, ‘When’s he going over there again?’ Unless she’s coming here instead.