by Stella Brie
After a few minutes, the tremors stop, and while I should probably be embarrassed, I lay there spread out as I stare at this incredible man. He brings out a side of me I never knew existed. A side I need, where I don’t have to maintain such rigid control. I allow him to see all that in my face.
“Beautiful, my dear. Simply beautiful.” His voice is raspy as he stares down at me.
Looking up into the glitter of his green eyes, I notice he is breathing heavily, his own control hanging by a thread. His fingers trail over my body lightly, as if he needs that slight touch. He doesn’t ask for more. Although I know he wants it.
Pulling him down on top of me, I give him my passion in a kiss. Devouring him, I stroke his need. Breathing heavily, I whisper, “Thank you for giving me what I need. Let me do the same.”
Pushing him off, I raise my hands to ask for his help in getting up. Once up, I slide down onto the barstool to bring my mouth in alignment with his cock. Reaching out, I undo his belt. His hands grip mine to hold them still. Knowing he needs the words, I look up and feed them to him.
“I need to taste you, lick you, and suck you. And when you are on the edge, I want you to fuck my mouth.”
Swallowing, he releases my hands to finish undressing him. Shoving his pants and briefs down, his long, hard cock waits for my grip. My tongue reaches out and licks from the base to the tip, savoring the taste and manly smell before opening wide to take him into my mouth. Going down as far as I can, I swallow before pulling his cock back out to the tip, sucking along the way. I swirl my tongue around the rim of his head before going back down.
“You’re so beautiful with your mouth wrapped around my cock. That pink tongue licking and swirling. That’s it.” He moans as his hand sweeps through my hair.
My other hand lightly caresses his balls before moving to explore the base of his cock. His breath hisses out as my fingers find the silky patch between his legs, and he thrusts into my mouth hard. Continuing to stroke this hot spot, I time the stroke with my mouth going down onto his shaft. Faster and faster. My other hand pulls down as my mouth goes back to the tip. Fuck, he’s so hard. He moans loudly as his control wavers on the edge.
His hand reaches out to grasp my hair, pulling my head back. Watching my face, he withdraws his cock all the way, then pushes slowly back into my mouth, taking it further than before.
“Just another inch. That’s it.”
He repeats this maneuver, making me take two more inches. Gagging a little, he stills, letting me breathe. When I settle, he strokes in and out, exactly to that point each time. Moaning, his hips piston back and forth, faster and faster. His grip tightens on my hair, holding me in place.
“That’s it, take my cock, all the way. Fuck.” Groaning, he traces the hollows in my cheek. “Your sweet, wet mouth was made for me. Seeing your plump lips stretched across my cock, sucking every inch, makes me feel like you were made just for me.”
A couple more thrusts, and roaring, he comes, filling my mouth. I swallow, and he moans at the sensation. Breathing heavily, he releases my hair and pulls out of my mouth. Leaning down, he kisses me. Not one of his controlled kisses. A proper, hard, messy fucking kiss showing a serious lack of control. I smile. This is my reward.
“Thank you, my dear. You’re incredible.”
Helping me get dressed, we decide just to get food delivered from Lev’s bar. While I clean up the counter, island, and bar stool, he calls in our order. When it arrives, he unpacks the food, and I grab our wine. Setting his down in front of him, I smirk.
Raising an eyebrow, he studies me as he reaches for his wine. “Pushing my buttons because I stole your wine?”
Looking away, I think about it. “No, pushing your buttons to make you lose some of your control. I need to know I’m not just a plaything for you to wind up or direct. I enjoy submitting to you and discovering this side of me, but I won’t if it’s just physical.” Sweating, I’m nervous now that I’ve blurted it out. Fuck. I should have just let things progress some more. My hand twitches as I pick up the fork to take a bite. Silence reigns until I finally find some courage to look up at him.
He gazes at me intently, his eyes burning with emotion. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
My heart plummets. I don’t know why I thought this was more. Shit. Needing to get away, I stand up. He reaches over and grabs my wrist. I still.
“Let me finish. I absolutely want more. I haven’t been able to read you to understand whether this was a casual, physical relationship or if you wanted more. With us both, Lev and myself. You never share much of yourself with either of us, but especially me. Every bit of information we glean is by accident. We’ve been content to let you set the pace, but if you want more, we’re going to need more as well.”
My body sinks back on the chair as I stare at him in surprise. Taking a long drink of wine, I sigh. “I know I need to share all of this with you, with everyone, but I don’t know how to share it, because I’ve never talked about it with others.” Swallowing another drink of wine, I stop for a minute to gather my thoughts.
“A few years ago, something terrible happened, and it had so many ripples of effect that it felt like I was repeatedly drowning. Once it stopped, I was so relived to be ‘on dry land,’ so to speak, I could only concentrate on living one day at a time. Basically, I swept it all into a cage so I could function.”
Taking a bite, he waits intently for my words.
Thinking about what he already knows, I figure this might be the easiest part of my story. Pushing back my plate, I clench my hands together. “Over four years ago, I was a practicing oncologist at Carton Hospital, in San Francisco. Most of my patients were older, but I treated a few kids, too. One of those kids was a twelve-year-old boy named David, who had leukemia. During one of his visits, I found out he met the eligibility requirements for a new clinical trial. We prepped him for a month to get his weight up and his blood steady. When it was time for the trial, his blood panel came back with something that had knocked him out of eligibility. The cause was a medication I had subscribed to manage his nausea. I didn’t know it would impact his potassium levels. Stopping the medication improved his blood results immediately, but because of the strict rules, they wouldn’t let him back into the trial. A few weeks later, David got pneumonia and died.”
Feeling my eyes burn, I reach out and take a couple drinks of wine. After a deep breath, I continue.
“Two weeks later, his father came to the hospital. When he reached the oncology ward, he corned a group of doctors and nurses and held them at gunpoint. I was down the hall when I heard him screaming my name, demanding to see me. When I showed up, he shot me. It wasn’t enough, though. In his rage and grief, he shot seventeen other people, including my husband, Collin, before committing suicide. Besides David’s father, thirteen of my friends and colleagues died. The remaining five of us recovered, but none of us came out of it the same.” My voice is hoarse as the tears start to flow. Guilt burns through me. All those lives shattered by my decision, and his bullets.
Reaching over, Lowell picks me up and carries me over to the couch. Rocking me, he holds me as I cry. Shuddering, I reach for a tissue.
“Some days, I can’t cope with the guilt. So, I bottle it up and hide it where I can’t feel it or see it. On the days I can’t hide, all I see are their faces and the faces of their kids, spouses, parents. I see Ellie’s new baby without a mother, Jordan’s wife raising four kids by herself, Carl’s husband, and so many more. Every day, I fought cancer with these people. We were very close.” Looking down at my hands, I shudder and give him more. “You once asked me why I moved from oncology to general practice? Nobody would hire me after the incident. I was too much of a liability for any hospital. While they never directly discriminated to my face, I couldn’t get another oncology job anywhere.”
Devastation creeps into my voice before I can stop it. My heart breaks at the loss of this stupid thing. I can still be a doctor, just a different doctor than
I had dreamed of for so long. And mourning a career when I get to continue living feels wrong. Clearing my throat of the emotion, I continue.
“A few other things happened in the two years following the event that caused me to leave San Francisco. Unfortunately, the medical community is small, and the memories long. I stopped using my first name of Elizabeth and started using an abbreviated version of my middle name, Kathryn. As Kate, I became a traveling doctor. And here I am.”
His hands smooth down my back as he gathers me tightly to him. He’s quiet for a minute as he chooses his words. “My dear, I’m so sorry you have gone through this horrible ordeal. It will get easier, but it will never go away. While it doesn’t help, I do understand, and I think you’ll find Lev and Shaw will, too. In the Army, you make many decisions based on reported intelligence, gut instinct, and training. I know I did. And when I was wrong, people died. Am I still responsible? Yes. Is it all my fault? No. You have to decide how much blame to hold on to. You didn’t give David cancer, or give his dad a gun and make him pull the trigger. You made a decision based on your training and given your inexperience; unfortunately, it was the wrong one. The only thing you can do is learn from it. I know that doesn’t help, but we are here for you.”
Thinking it over, I realize I’d been accepting the blame for the entire thing. Even for everything that happened afterwards. It’s not surprising, as everyone else did the same. Not my mom, but everyone else. David’s father had taken the easy way out, and without him alive to be judged, all judgment fell on me. Hard to see yourself when nobody else sees you either.
Exhausted, I cannot think about it tonight. Looking up at Lowell, I stroke my hand down his face. “Thank you. You have given me some light in this black tunnel. It means more to me than I can say.”
Giving me a brief kiss, he suggests I speak to Shaw about it sometime. “As our unit leader, he had to make more decisions than most, and not all of them worked out for the best. You could help each other.”
“I’ll think about it.”
He plays with my hair for a second before asking, “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your husband?”
Telling pieces is always risky for this reason. Each piece is an emotional minefield of its own.
“Physically, he recovered. Emotionally and mentally, it changed him forever. He committed suicide two years later.”
Tears flow again. I know I need to explain, but I can’t tonight. Hitting a wall, I cry myself to sleep in Lowell’s arms.
CHAPTER 18
LOWELL
Waking up the next morning, I savor the feeling of Kate in my arms. In the past, I never would have spent the night, but with her it’s different. I couldn’t leave her last night, even after she insisted she would be fine.
My arms squeeze her tight as I kiss her sweet lips. She stiffens, and her eyes fly open. I guess she isn’t used to sleeping with anyone either. That little reaction gives me immense satisfaction. Her tension eases as she recognizes me. Her smile is a bit wobbly, but it’s there.
“Good morning, Lowell.”
“Good morning, my dear. I loved waking up with you in my arms this morning. How are you feeling?”
I lean back to assess her face. Her eyes carry her burdens as she gazes back at me. And she’s back to being guarded, but that’s not a surprise. She’s been incredibly strong and stubborn in dealing with the past on her own. It’s going to take time for her to open up fully and share those burdens.
She makes a face and responds quietly, “I’m not sure yet. Better now that I know you didn’t run away. Desperately in need of coffee, but ready to start the day.”
“I’ll get a pot going for you. Unfortunately, I’ve got to leave, as I have a conference call with my editor in about an hour. Are you OK with me sharing your past with Lev and Shaw?”
I watch her face close down as she thinks about it. Her first instinct is to tell me no, but I know how she feels about Lev, and her growing feelings for Shaw, so I’m hoping she changes her mind.
Shrugging, she responds quietly, “Yes, please.”
Sweeping her hair behind her ear, I whisper, “Thank you. I don’t like to keep secrets from them. And you won’t have to keep telling the story.”
Giving her another quick kiss, I get out of bed and stretch. Her eyes track down my body, taking in every inch, including my morning wood. Groaning, I reprimand her.
“Stop. I won’t be able to concentrate, because I’ll be thinking about you staring at my cock all day.” Her eyes fly up and meet mine. A small smile graces her lips. That’s better. “I’ll text you later.” Dragging on my clothes, I lean over for one final kiss and head out the door, leaving her to get ready for the day.
Driving to the ranch, my thoughts are buzzing with everything she told me. I texted Lev and Shaw before leaving her place, and they’ll be waiting when I get home. Lev will want to become her knight in shining armor, but I’m not sure what Shaw will say. He’ll probably empathize with her story the most, given his past, which means he can help her if he chooses.
Reaching the house, I run upstairs to grab one of my laptops, the one that allows me access to information the public isn’t privy to getting. Things like police reports. Walking into the living room, I notice both Lev and Shaw are sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear about our Kate. Setting down the laptop, I strike a few keys to start a search on Kate’s story while I give them the info. When the search results ping, I twirl the laptop around to face Lev and Shaw so they can read the details as I tell them her story.
I explain how she lost her patient, friends and colleagues, almost lost her life and her husband’s life, and finally her career, because of a grieving father with a gun.
Shaw pales as he digests what I just told him. His head drops into his hands.
Lev’s eyes close before he jumps up and starts pacing. “Wait, her husband? She’s married?”
“Her husband committed suicide two years later. So, essentially, she lost her husband as well.”
Lev stops pacing and stares at me. “Fuck,” he roars. “I knew it was bad when she kept avoiding any personal discussions, but damn, I didn’t know it was this bad. Is she OK? Should I go over there and stay with her?”
“She said she was fine this morning, and ready to start the day.” Running my hands through my hair, I look at Shaw. “I just don’t buy it, though. Shaw, what do you think? You are probably the only person who has gone through anything remotely close to this situation.”
Shaw looks up, his face drawn as his own past reflects in his eyes. “She’s been dealing with it by herself for a long time. Too much hovering could make her retreat. Too little, and she could feel like we don’t understand. Let’s keep in contact with her today, and tomorrow night Lev can stay with her for a while. When’s she ready to talk, I’ll be here for her. How did you get her to talk in the first place?”
“She told me she wanted more than just a physical relationship with me, with us, actually.” I look over to Lev, then glance at Shaw. “I want a relationship with this woman, too. And I told her I thought Lev did, too.” Lev gives me a curt nod in agreement. “I explained we just weren’t sure about whether it was serious for her, because she never shared anything with us. I have a feeling there’s more to her story, but I think this is all she could share right now.”
Looking up, I see Lev and Shaw thinking along the same lines.
“Fuck.” Lev immediately starts pacing again.
CHAPTER 19
KATE
All three men reach out throughout the day to check on me. I’m relieved they know and don’t hate me or want me to stop seeing patients. There have been times over the years when employees at a hospital or practice found out about the shooting and decided it would be better if they were assigned a different doctor. There was so much at stake this time, though, it would devastate me to be forced to leave.
Rolling my shoulders to ease my tension, I glance down as my phone buzzes a
gain. It’s Lev asking me to go away to the winery this weekend. That sounds incredible. I hadn’t been away from the practice and apartment since I arrived, and a change of scenery would help clear my mind a bit. I send him a quick yes and let him know we’ll close around
4 p.m. today.
Smiling, I round the corner and narrowly avoid running into Sarah.
“Hmmm. Someone looks happier. That’s good. After the way you looked this morning, I thought I’d have to knock some heads together.” She shakes her head as she glances back down to her paperwork.
After my discussion with Lowell last night, I realized I needed to tell Sarah, too. She’s the first true friend I’ve made in a while, and I don’t want her to find out from someone else.
“Hey, do you have a minute?”
Frowning at the look on my face, she follows me back to the office and closes the door. Sitting in the two chairs in front of the desk, I walk through what I’d told Lowell last night. Stunned, she sits there for a minute, then reaches out to pull me into a hug. I start crying at this immediate gesture from her big heart.
Patting me on the back, she lets me cry for a few minutes before pulling back and blurting out, “Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped a baby?”
Startled, I shake my head as my tears slow. Wiping a hand across my face, I swipe away my tears.
“I don’t even have an excuse. I’d worked as a nurse for five years, and as I was handling a baby to get its weight, I dropped him. Thankfully, it was only the counter, and he landed just right, but it could have been devastating.” Thinking back, she shakes her head. “For a long time, I couldn’t even hold a baby until I decided avoidance wasn’t an option. As a nurse, I needed to handle children, including babies. Determined to get over this fear, I started holding them again for a brief second until I could work up to weighing one again.”
