Jager leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees and linked his hands together. ‘I apologise for last night. That was really not cool what I accused you of. Nor was how I reacted.’
Anders nodded.
‘It’s no excuse, well, actually it kind of is, but between grief for Mum and embarrassment about the game yesterday, I was so fucking angry. And I took that out on you.’
Anders blew out a long breath. ‘I was waiting for it, to tell you the truth.’
‘Yes, well.’ He met Anders gaze head-on. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Honestly, mate, I don’t give a shit about the fact that you and Neve had a thing going for a while. Yeah, it’s weird and awkward because she’s my sister, but—’ he shook his head, ‘—what I’m angry about is how you went about it. The lying.’
‘You didn’t leave us much option. It was pretty clear you didn’t approve. But I always intended to tell you eventually.’
Jager’s lips twisted. ‘Don’t put this on me. I have every right to look out for my sister.’ He smacked his chest with his palm. ‘It all comes down to me now. I’m it.’
‘I see the honour in that, I do, but have you ever thought that Neve is capable of making her own decisions?’
Jager glowered. ‘Of course I have. I know she is.’
‘But you believed I wasn’t good enough for her. I get it. I do. I wish I was, then maybe I could have stood a chance with her.’
Jager’s face screwed up with anger and incredulity. ‘It’s not that I don’t think you’re good enough. That was never the issue. You could have been the local pastor or the town’s doctor and my knee-jerk reaction would have been the same. I was scared. But I would have got over it. If you were upfront with me and told me that you were really serious about Neve, and she felt the same, then all the best to you both.’
Jager frowned. His eyes were brimming with sadness—the same depth of emotion Anders saw in them last night. ‘I’m sorry that it ended with Neve. And, for the record, I believe you when you say it was always serious for you. I mean, that’s you—all or nothing. I hate to think that I had a part to play in it not working out. That wasn’t my intention. I just want to see Neve happy.’
Anders’ stomach sunk and his heart wrenched because Jager’s words were like a fresh knife twisting in his side, reminding him he wasn’t the one who could make her happy. ‘Unfortunately, I’m not the man to do that.’
‘I think it’s more complicated than that, but I’m not here to speak for her. I’ve done enough of that already and look where it got me. But, mate, if you’re as serious as you say you are, don’t give up on Neve.’
He lifted his head, eyes narrowed. Was that how Jager saw this? As Anders giving up on Neve? He leant back against the couch and scrubbed a hand through his hair. Here he was waging war on everyone else, and yet he wasn’t out there fighting for her.
‘I respect her decision,’ he said, but what a cop out. He respected it, yes, but he didn’t like it. He shouldn’t have thrown his hands in the air and let her walk out of his life without so much as an argument. But he did, and he would, because in the back of his mind, he believed she deserved more.
Jager leaned forward, his eyes narrowed. ‘What is it?’
Anders shook his head.
‘Mate, I’ve known you since you were twelve, I can see when the cogs are spinning in that head of yours.’
Anders blew out a breath. ‘I’ve felt out of control lately. I’ve made some stupid decisions.’
‘Like what?’
‘I told Mum and Tony that I didn’t want the farm.’
Jager’s brows quirked. ‘I did hear about that.’
‘Now I look like the selfish arsehole that I am.’
Jager shook his head ‘You were being honest.’
Anders winced at the word honest. ‘I’ve been lying through my teeth to you—to nearly everyone for weeks. I nearly fucking killed Damien after what he said at training. And then last night with you—I wanted to hit you so bad my teeth ached.’
Jager rolled his head back and laughed. ‘What does that say about me? I actually threw a couple of punches. Believe me, if the roles were reversed, I would have definitely hit back.’
‘I don’t want to be that person, Jager, can’t you see that?’
‘We’re all that person if given enough fuel. You’ve got a hell of a lot going on and you did what you thought was right. You’re not just going to let everyone walk over-the-top of you or speak badly about my sister. That’s not you. That’s never been you.’
‘I can’t be my father. I can’t be someone I despise.’
‘You’re not your fucking dad. Jesus Christ, is that what all this is about?’
Anders rubbed the back of his neck. His forehead furrowed as he frowned deeply. ‘I think I need to tell you something about me I’ve never told anyone before.’
Jager stilled, an expectant expression shaping his features. He wiggled closer to the front of the couch, elbows on his knees again. ‘I’m all ears.’
Anders drew in a deep breath for courage and after so many years bottling it up inside, he finally admitted to Jager, the first person he had ever told this story to, that he was almost sexually assaulted but fought off his abuser.
He explained how the beating he gave Jonathon was the first indicator in many years that lurking inside him were the traits of his father—brutal and unforgiving.
‘Since then I’ve been petrified to ever lose control again. And then when you told me to back off from Neve and how Neve never wanted to commit to anything long-term, I was starting to think that maybe you could see that side in me.’
Jager considered him with disbelief. ‘I am horrified that happened to you. That’s the real reason you didn’t go any further in the AFL?’
Anders nodded.
‘Bloody hell.’ Jager shook his head. ‘I don’t even know what to say. That’s such bullshit that you had to give up a promising career doing what you have always loved because of some twisted pervert.’
‘I can’t dwell on that fact. I’ve loved my career since then, regardless.’
‘Let me put it this way. If I walked in on what happened to you, I can tell you right now that sick fucker would have received exactly the same treatment from me. It’s our survival instinct. Our natural form of justice. Sure, you acted up when you were a kid. Makes sense. You were still immature—you obviously didn’t know how to deal with what you and your mum had been through with your father. But nothing you have told me makes me believe that you are even remotely like your dad. The fact that you’re scared to be him is indication enough that you’re not.’
‘But what about with Damien? And you last night? I’m spinning out of control.’
‘What did Damien say? Come on, tell me, so I can be truthful about all this.’
Anders reluctantly told him about how Damien said he could push Neve’s head into the mattress as he fucked her so he didn’t have to look at her scar.
Jager was on his feet in a second, fists clenched at his sides as he paced along the carpet. ‘Mother fucker!’ he screamed. He spun to face Anders, his face twisted into a snarl. ‘If I had have known, I wouldn’t have pulled you away from him. I would have let you at him.’
‘Is it our place to beat people up, though?’
‘No, probably not, but it sure as hell isn’t Damien’s place to speak about Neve that way either.’ He sat down again, his leg bouncing with agitation. ‘I don’t know how you did it, how you walked away from Damien, then managed to keep that locked away inside of you until the season-end. You deserve a medal for self-control. Does Neve know what he said?’
Anders shook his head quickly. ‘I would never hurt her like that. She doesn’t need to know.’
Jager sat back and looked at Anders for a long time. ‘You have real emotions for her, don’t you?’
Anders sighed but nodded.
‘I think you’re good enough. I really do. You w
ouldn’t have been my mate for so long otherwise, and I would have hit you a bit harder last night …’ His lips quirked into a teasing grin.
Anders shook his head but managed a tense grin. ‘You’ll keep.’
‘Forget about all this other stuff you’ve just told me. You’re not your dad. And I’ve never thought you were like him. Ever. Honestly, Ando, just keep being you.’
Anders’ chest warmed and tightened with emotion. ‘Thanks. It means a lot to me to hear that.’
‘And, for the record, if you and Neve manage to patch things up somehow, I’ll support you both.’
‘Thanks.’
‘We’ve been mates too long to let all this come between us.’
Anders smiled. ‘I agree.’
After a small silence, Jager pressed his hands to his knees and smiled. ‘Anyway, mate, I better head off.’ He got to his feet and made to leave.
‘Thanks for coming over today.’
‘No worries.’
Anders followed Jager to the door and opened it for him. ‘Did you want me to meet you at your place the morning of the funeral, and I’ll drive you both?’
Jager slapped a hand to Anders’ back. ‘I’d appreciate that.’
Chapter 33
Anders collected Neve and Jager for the funeral, though Neve could barely recall the moments driving to the church, nor sitting in the front pew as her mother laid in a white coffin before them. Everything was surreal and hazy like she wasn’t alive but an actress in the worst kind of movie.
She could hardly remember sobbing through the short ceremony as pictures of the family they once were flashed on the screen and the saddest songs sung from the stereo. She could barely recall the poem she read or the heartfelt eulogy Jager delivered with a shaky voice.
And then it was over and she couldn’t wait to breathe in the fresh air outside, but so many faces were there, offering their condolences and hugging her, and it was lovely, but she wanted to turn the movie off and her mum to still be there.
The hot aching compression in her chest was unbearable and wouldn’t let up. How would she endure this for a moment longer, let alone for a lifetime?
Afterwards, Anders drove them to the wake, which was held at the local community hall: a small and old, stuffy smelling building off Main Street. She drank tea and chatted with friends and family. But it wasn’t long before a profound weariness settled in her muscles, working deep into her bones—as though she had been kept awake for a week while she waited for this day, and now that it had arrived, all the lost sleep was making itself known.
Mostly, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was lost. Her anchor had been removed and now she was set adrift and unable to find anything to cling to. Mum was gone and all that was left was the endless ocean.
Existing from here on without Mum was too punishing a torture to endure.
The mourners cleared out at a respectful time. Neve and Jager waited until the very last then piled into Anders’ ute and headed towards home.
Neve leant back against the passenger seat and sighed. It was over. This long, dreaded, most terrible day was over.
Not one of them spoke on the ride home; Neve was grateful as she looked out at the shadowy countryside speeding past from her window.
The scent of Anders’ cologne drifted through the car’s heating and it ignited something in her brain. She turned to face him and watched his strong hands grip the steering wheel.
Crashing over her was an intense craving and understanding that he was the only person in the world right now who she wanted to be with. So powerful a sensation that it almost stole her breath away.
She wanted to go back to his place and lay in bed beside him, letting the comfort of his big body next to hers lull her into sleep. He was safety, warmth and compassion. He could fill the little fissures and cracks that had opened up in her life.
Where had this suddenly come from?
They pulled into the driveway and Anders didn’t cut the engine.
‘Thanks for your help today,’ Jager said, giving Anders’ shoulder a squeeze, then climbing out of the car.
‘No problem.’
‘Um, Jager, you go in, I’m going to talk with Anders for a little bit,’ she said.
Jager nodded and strode into the house leaving them in the driveway under the darkening sky. The first blinks of stars were visible.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she whispered.
Anders closed his eyes and his throat bobbed as he swallowed.
She reached over to him and placed a hand on his hand as it rested on his lap. ‘I had this sudden urge to go back to your place and spend the night. Would you like me to?’
He exhaled noisily, turned his frame to face her more and looked her in the eyes. ‘I would honestly love nothing more than that …’
Her body throbbed.
‘But you’ve made it clear it’s not what you want. You’ve been through an incredibly difficult day, and I don’t want you making decisions that you’re going to flip-flop on later when you’ve had a chance to consider them more.’
She leaned in closer to him, allowing the scent of him to fill her up. Memories shifted behind her eyes, such beautiful memories of them laughing, talking, touching, and she wanted to taste that again with him.
Against this backdrop of pain, that kind of happiness was as intoxicating as a drug. ‘I know what I want, Anders, and it’s you.’ She leaned in closer still, her lips nearing his, but he turned his face away.
She shifted back, her heart racing.
‘I’m sorry, but I won’t do this.’ His voice was weak, hoarse.
‘But I want to. Truly, I do.’
‘I don’t. Do you understand? I’ve been willing to let this play out, the no-strings, the lies, everything, so I could be with you. I convinced myself that I wasn’t a good enough person, so I only deserved what you could give. But I won’t do that anymore. I need an even playing field—one where emotions are reciprocated. I deserve that.’
She stared at him, mouth gently parted, for a long moment. Her chest ached and her throat squeezed around a hard, grief-filled lump. ‘You think I used you?’
He shook his head hard. ‘I don’t think that was your intention. And you were always upfront with me. But we came at this from two different angles and couldn’t quite line it up in the middle. I’m getting my heart broken because you don’t want anything serious, and I won’t do it anymore. I know your reasons why and I completely understand them, but I want more.’ He looked away and groaned. ‘It fucking kills me to say this today of all days.’
Tears pricked the back of her eyes, but she blinked them away. ‘I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.’ Her words were strangled by black emotion.
He pressed the heel of his palms to his eyes. When he looked at her again, he whispered. ‘I’m sorry too.’
‘I … I better get going.’
He nodded.
She opened the car door and when her feet touched the ground, her legs were shaking and feeble. ‘Thanks for your help today. I appreciate it.’
‘Any time. Truly. Regardless of anything, if you or Jager need anything at all, please call me and I’ll be here, okay?’
She nodded. ‘Thanks.’ Her voice was so soft, she could barely hear it over the engine. ‘Good night.’
‘Good night, Neve.’
She shut the car door behind her and walked on unsteady legs to the house, not looking back. When she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, she burst into tears.
These tears, this time, were not for her mother, but because she understood now that she had lost the man she loved with all her heart. And she hadn’t realised how much he meant to her until he pulled completely away.
Jager raced to her and placed an arm around her shoulders. ‘Hey, what’s up? What happened?’
‘I’m so stupid. Anders is the most amazing man and I underestimated him.’
Jager frowned. ‘How so?’
Tears were rolling
down her face. Her words were choked. ‘He was right to think he wasn’t good enough because that’s exactly how I treated him. I thought he would let me keep running to him without ever making a commitment, but he … he has too much integrity for that. How could I have treated him like that? God, you should have seen his face, Jager. I am the worst. Seriously, the worst.’
Jager wrapped her in his arms and held her as she cried and cried.
‘It’s all too much right now,’ she wailed. Her heart was breaking in two.
‘I know,’ Jager said. ‘It’s been a long week and an even longer day. You can’t be getting all worked up over this right now. Give it some time. Wait for all this dust to settle and see how things are then. You’re exhausted. Please, just give yourself some time.’
Chapter 34
Anders reversed out of the driveway as fast as he could. His skin sat too tightly to his flesh and bone, every muscle vibrating, urging him to run inside after Neve and tell her that, yes, he would love her to spend the night with him.
After all the pain and emotion of today, he wanted nothing more than to be a comfort for her. Sparks of warmth had filled him to hear that he was needed.
But he couldn’t. And he wouldn’t. He had to preserve his emotional wellbeing. A part-time romance wasn’t healthy, nor was it right. He deserved and needed more.
Anders pressed on up the road. He was heading to the farm.
With the words he spoke to Neve tonight, at the back of all that, another set of realisations exploded in his brain and darted under his skin. He had to get to the dairy and make things right before it was too late.
He arrived at the property in the pitch darkness. His headlights cleared a path through the darkness as he wended along the lengthy dirt track. Blackened paddocks bordered the road. Rocks and sticks clinked under his tyres.
Soft light lit up the windows of the farmhouse. He swung around the back of the house and parked beside Mum and Tony’s ute.
His stomach clenched with nerves as he knocked on the back door, then let himself inside.
‘In here,’ called Tony from the living room.
Anders headed up the hall. He found Mum and Tony seated on their respective armchairs, the TV softly humming.
Meet Me in the Middle (Wattle Valley, #2) Page 21
