The Refuge

by Ann H. Gabhart

  “I don’t think I could go all day without doing something wrong. You have so many rules I can’t remember them all.”

  When Sister Mona giggled, Sister Tansy frowned at her. Giggling must be against the rules too. Then the sister said, “You will remember them in time, Sister Leatrice. Until then, do your best and depend on your sisters to help you. The rules help us have unity of spirit and action.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Not yes, Sister Leatrice. Yea. And nay for no. You must remember that.” Sister Tansy fixed her gaze on Leatrice, but even though she was correcting her, her face was kind as she nodded for Leatrice to sit down and let the next girl stand to list her wrongs.

  After she heard their confessions, Sister Tansy left them alone to get ready for bed in their white nightgowns. While Leatrice was unpinning the scratchy neck kerchief, Sister Mona sidled over next to her. “Only a silly goose thinks she has to tell everything she does wrong.”

  Leatrice frowned at her. “I’m not a silly goose.”

  “You sounded like one. ‘I tore my dress climbing a fence.’” Sister Mona mocked her. “You’d probably tell on me if you saw me climbing a fence, wouldn’t you?”

  “No. I mean, nay. Why would I?”

  “Why? Because you want to be the perfect little Shaker sister.”

  Leatrice curled her hands into fists, but then she took a breath. She’d promised her father she wouldn’t get in trouble. She couldn’t break her promise on the second day. “I told my father I would do what the Shaker sisters wanted.”

  “Why do you care about that? Your father brought you here and left you. Got rid of you, didn’t he?”

  “No. He’s coming back for me after I go to school for a while.” She tightened her fists, but she couldn’t hit the girl. Hitting somebody was sure to be against the rules.

  “That’s what they all say. Then they never come back. Ever.”

  “Leave her alone.” Sister Janice stepped between Sister Mona and Leatrice. “You’re just trying to make trouble.”

  “Well, perfect Sister Janice won’t ever get in any trouble, will she?” Sister Mona stuck out her tongue at Sister Janice and headed to her bed when Sister Tansy came back in the room.

  Sister Janice whispered to Leatrice. “Don’t pay her any mind. She doesn’t like it here and wants everybody else to be unhappy too.”

  “Is she right about fathers not ever coming back?” Leatrice didn’t believe that about Papa, but he hadn’t come to see her yet. She blinked back tears.

  Sister Janice hugged her. “She was right about her father. She might not be right about yours. But don’t worry about that. You have a new family of sisters and brothers now.”

  Sister Janice was trying to make her feel better, but a knot of tears still gathered in Leatrice’s throat. She knelt by the bed, remembering to kneel on the right knee first. Leatrice bowed her head to pray for her father, grandfather, and Muggins. She didn’t pray for that woman who had messed everything up and she didn’t pray for Sister Mona.

  22

  I was surprised to see the little girl, Leatrice. She told me her mother was dead the first time I met her, but her father had seemed to care so much for her, I couldn’t imagine him bringing her to the Shakers. Not to leave her. The child had seemed eager to be here the second time I saw her when I walked her to the Children’s House from the barn. Perhaps after the grandmother died of cholera, things became too difficult to care for the girl, or it could be her father had work that took him away from home.

  I had no reason to worry over why the child was in Shaker dress. Yet I did. I wanted her to be leaning back against her father on his horse. That picture of father-daughter love had stuck with me. I suppose I had let it dwell so sweetly in my mind because my daughter would never know her father.

  She did know her mother, and with each day that passed, I prayed we would never be separated. But every time I walked past the meetinghouse, I could almost feel the eyes of the Ministry watching me from the windows in the upper story where they lived. Two sisters and two brothers. Chosen by the Shakers to preserve the unity of the village and make decisions based on the Millennial Laws written by Shaker leaders in some eastern village.

  When I first came among the Shakers, Eldress Maria had given me a copy of these Shaker laws. Much was covered in them. What a Shaker could have. What a Shaker could not have. Rules against ornamentation. Rules about behavior. I didn’t read any rules about when a nursing baby could be taken from her mother, but I would not have been surprised to know such a rule existed.

  Each morning, including this very one, I held Anna Grace close and whispered love into her ear. Then after nursing both the babies and cleaning our retiring room, I loaded sweet Benjamin in his basket, wrapped Anna Grace in the sling next to my body, and set out for the Children’s House before the bell chimed to call everyone to the morning meal.

  The conveyance Brother Jonas made for Benjamin worked well. A belt held the basket on the cart and then a waist-high handle stuck up in the back. That way I could see if Benjamin was in any kind of distress as I pushed him through the village.

  The rocks on the path did bounce the carriage, but Benjamin did not seem to mind. I considered letting Anna Grace ride instead of Benjamin to find out if she would giggle with each bounce. She smiled at everything and sometimes laughed out loud when we rocked her.

  Sister Ellie continually said a happy child was a blessing. While she didn’t say so, I felt she was thinking of her own dear Abby, who never smiled when she saw Sister Ellie. Not only did she not smile, she didn’t seem to even know Sister Ellie was her mother. She was just another adult sister in like dress to all the other sisters. Abby’s smiles were saved for the young sisters who shared her life at the Children’s House.

  At mealtimes, I watched for Abby so I could tell Sister Ellie about her. I had no trouble picking her out. She was that much like her mother, tall and pretty. Now nine, she seemed well content with her Shaker life. While Sister Ellie was glad of this, at the same time she was sad to think she had lost her daughter. I had no illusions I would not do the same if I didn’t find a way to leave the Shaker village before they turned Anna Grace into my sister instead of my daughter.

  I did not see that kind of contented happiness on Leatrice’s face, but the child was new to Shaker life. Learning the Shaker way was not an easy task. I had struggled often in my early days with the many rules, and I was far older than Leatrice.

  To be honest, I continued to struggle with the Shaker life. The fact that I lived in one of their houses, ate their food while only pretending I might someday be a committed Shaker was a burr on my conscience, but what other choice did I have?

  Every morning Sister Ellie assured me that if we continued to pray with fervent belief, another way would appear.

  That very morning Sister Genna had waited until Sister Ellie rushed out to her duties before she shook her head and said, “Dear Ellie. She believes even after years of no answers for her own prayers. Sometimes a woman must make her own way.”

  “But I have no way on my own.” My heart sank at the truth of that as I looked at Anna Grace happily waving her hands in her cradle. She would soon outgrow the small bed, and then what?

  When she saw how her words distressed me, Sister Genna put her arms around me. “Forgive me, my sister. My bitterness sometimes leaks out when it shouldn’t. I do know the Lord can do the impossible. Did not the angel assure Mary of that when she was perplexed at his proclamation that she would conceive and bear a son?”

  “Yea, he did.” I leaned on this sister who had come to mean so much to me. I had no pretensions with her. Or with Sister Ellie. “While I have never doubted the Lord did the impossible for her, I find it harder to have faith he will provide what seems impossible for Anna Grace and me.”

  “But miracles do happen.” She turned loose of me and went to lean over Benjamin’s cradle. “Just look at this sweet miracle right here in our room. A baby boy to love in
this barren place.” She turned to look at me as I picked up Anna Grace. “And remember when Anna Grace hesitated to take her first breath? How we all sent desperate prayers heavenward?”

  “And then I heard her first cry.” I cuddled Anna Grace closer to me. “Answered prayers.”

  “Yea, answered prayers. Perhaps the impossible will happen yet for all of us. Sister Ellie will leave this place and be a grandmother to her children’s children. Jeremy will remember he has a wife and come for me. And you will find a way to return to the world with your sweet Anna Grace.”

  “I know not how that can be, but I do pray for a way.” I watched her pick up Benjamin and touch her cheek to his. Whenever she held him, her face brightened with love. “At the same time, even if that miracle did happen, I would hate to leave Benjamin.”

  “They would never let you take him.” Sister Genna kept her gaze on the baby boy. “You’ve heard Sister Helene. She and Eldress Maria already see him as a Shaker elder someday.”

  “They cannot know what sort of man he will become. Most of the children brought here do not stay, do they?”

  “Why would they? Why would anybody?” Sister Genna frowned over at me and then smiled again when she turned back to Benjamin.

  “Many of the Believers seem happy,” I said.

  “And some of them do not.” She put Benjamin back in his cradle and gently tucked his blanket around him. “I’d best be on my way to my morning duty or I’ll be in trouble with the eldress. I don’t begrudge them my labor. Only my freedom.”

  “We are free to leave.”

  “If we have a way.” Sister Genna touched her cheek to mine just as she had to baby Benjamin’s. “Perhaps Sister Ellie is right and we only need to pray with more fervor. With more faith. But that baby boy over there is not going to grow up to be an elder. He’s going to go out into the world and live a full and beautiful life.”

  A full and beautiful life. That was what I wanted for both the babies I carried into the Children’s House. What I wanted for every child here. And for myself. I had expected to have that with Walter, but now I needed to seek out a new way to keep and love his child. But what about Benjamin? I did love him too.

  I spotted Leatrice right away with the other young sisters ready to go into the eating room. I could tell she saw me as well, but she stayed in line. Sister Corinne was watching to be sure she followed the rules.

  Sister Corinne, who took her duties very seriously, never seemed pleased to see me come in. I was a disruption to the order she demanded. Perhaps such stern order was needed to keep so many children in line. Anna Grace had ever been a quiet baby and rarely cried during the mealtimes as I kept her cuddled close to me in her wrap. Benjamin was very different. He did not settle easily and often set up a fuss. Comforting him was difficult in the silent dining room, for he seemed to need the sound of a voice to assure him he had not been abandoned yet again.

  At the evening meal, I had been forced to carry him out of the eating room in order to calm him. That caused a break in the rules, since I was unable to finish the food I dipped out on my plate before leaving the table. I had no idea which Sister Corinne preferred I do. Finish my meal or quiet the baby. Today I tried jiggling him on my knee while I wolfed down my food. I was constantly hungry now that I was feeding two babies and thankful Sister Ellie still smuggled me an extra biscuit or piece of pie most days.

  To let me finish eating now, Sister Tansy lifted Benjamin from my lap to walk him up and down beside the table. Short and dumpy, she bounced when she walked and that not only comforted Benjamin but amused the girls behind her. They knew better than to giggle, with Sister Corinne’s stern eye on them, but smiles did slip out. Smiles Sister Tansy returned even though Sister Corinne frowned at her too. I was pleased Leatrice was in her group.

  I had no real reason to feel more attachment to Leatrice than to the other young sisters, but that did not change the truth that I did feel drawn to her. Her sorrow had touched my heart when she had told me about her grandmother dying of cholera and her worry about her grandfather. I had prayed for his recovery as I promised I would. And I had prayed for the girl without a mother, since I knew that sorrow firsthand.

  Granny Hatchell said a person couldn’t sincerely pray for another without beginning to love them. So it could be my prayers were what awakened and strengthened the affection I felt for this child I barely knew. She too seemed to feel a connection. That might be because I was a familiar face here in the village among so many strangers. Someone she recognized as I recognized her.

  That day when I broke the rules and slipped away to the barn to see Sawyer had been a time of despair for me, but talking with Leatrice and her father had lightened the dark sorrow wrapped around me. The girl’s chatter about her father’s gift with the horses as I walked her to the Children’s House had brought smiles. The man’s gift must have worked with Walter’s horse. I sometimes saw Sawyer running about in one of the pasture fields. His lively canter around the fences showed he’d fully recovered from whatever made him so listless. Another reason to be thankful.

  I had not considered it when I saw Leatrice the day before, but it could be her father had joined the Shakers too. Set apart from not only the brethren but most of the Shaker sisters as well while I cared for these babies, I could not expect to see every new convert. But were he here, the Shakers would surely be glad to have him among their number, with his obvious strength and ability with horses.

  For some reason that didn’t make me feel any better about seeing Leatrice in Shaker dress. Perhaps because even if he was in the Shaker village, he wouldn’t be allowed to be the loving father I had thought him.

  Sister Tansy returned Benjamin to his basket and led her young sisters out of the room. I followed with my babies. These two would never know their fathers even if they didn’t stay with the Shakers. Anna Grace because her father had died and Benjamin because his father had not claimed him. At least that was the only reason I could imagine for a mother abandoning her baby to the Shakers. It was only right that now we were showering him with bountiful love.

  That didn’t keep him from setting up a wail as I went into the hallway to leave the house and return to my duties in the Gathering Family House, where an overflowing basket of aprons and neck kerchiefs in need of hemming awaited me. Eldress Maria would not understand if I did not finish them today. The woman had no idea how draining caring for two babies could be or how a mother could not always set her own schedule.

  I gently swung the basket back and forth, but Benjamin wailed louder. Then as if in support of Benjamin’s distress, Anna Grace squirmed in her wrapping and expressed her dissatisfaction too. I dared not look around at Sister Corinne, even though I could practically feel her glare burning into my back.

  All babies cry. I knew that and didn’t worry about the wails so much as the fear that Sister Corinne would decide my care for the babies was lacking. She might insist on taking the babies away from me.

  “Tsk.” Sister Tansy stepped up beside me. “The little ones appear to be unsettled this morning. Such does happen from time to time.”

  “They will quiet down when I get them back to their cradles.”

  “Yea.” Sister Tansy gave me a thoughtful look. “But your little Anna Grace is growing and becoming a burden to carry along with this little fellow.”

  “Nay, I can manage with the wagon Brother Jonas made for me. I am stronger than I look.” I was barely taller than her.

  “I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t strong, my sister, but sometimes it is good to accept help. That is one of the beautiful things about being a Believer. The fact that we have many hands to help and sisters eager to share one another’s burdens.”

  “These are not a burden.” I wrapped one arm around Anna Grace and kept a tight hold on the basket handle with the other. I looked with yearning at the door and wanted nothing more than to escape to the sanctuary of my retiring room.

  Sister Tansy surprised me with a gentle look
and a pat on my cheek. “Worry not, my sister. I am not taking these from you. I merely want to offer you help.”

  She kept her voice so low I barely heard her over Benjamin’s cries. At least Anna Grace had stopped fussing and was now sucking her fingers, as she often did to calm herself.

  “Yea.” What else could I say?

  She smiled then. “I have two little sisters who would be glad to walk with you back to your dwelling. One you seem to know or who seemed to know you. Sister Leatrice. She is new among us and a bit lonesome for her former home right now. Do you know her?” Sister Tansy raised her eyebrows at me in question.

  “Yea, I met her when she visited the village with her father some months ago.”

  “I see. So you did not know her before you came to our village? Or her father?”

  “Nay, I did not.” I bounced the basket up and down, and Benjamin’s cries turned to whimpers that hurt my heart for him but did not hurt the ears.

  “I think it would help her happiness among us to have the duty of accompanying you on your treks to our eating room. She is young, so she best not carry the babies, but she could carry other things you might need or make silly faces to amuse the little ones. Or push your little cart.”

  “If you can spare her from her other duties.”

  “Yea, such can be adjusted. And Sister Janice, who has been with us for several years, will go along to help you both, since we cannot have Sister Leatrice alone on the paths here in the village as yet. While it seems simple to go from here to there for us, the paths can be confusing for one so young. It wouldn’t do for her to walk you to your house and then you have to walk her to this house and, well, thinking about such makes one dizzy.” Sister Tansy wobbled her head back and forth, then smiled. “Do you think having their help might please you?”

  “Yea, that would be good.” I smiled, glad to accept the company of Leatrice and the other young sister. And very pleased she wasn’t suggesting I leave the babies at the Children’s House.