The Refuge

by Ann H. Gabhart

  “Then I will have faith too. At least for a little longer.” She hugged Ellie again and then was gone. Without tears.

  I knew I would not be able to do the same. Tears already threatened to spill out of my eyes as I straightened our retiring room, which was my morning duty. While I swept the floor and straightened the beds we had not slept in, Ellie talked to the babies. Sweet words about how beloved they were and how they were going to grow up strong to follow the Lord’s leading.

  “And you, Anna Grace, will be beautiful like your mother and someday marry a good man and have lovable babies like you.”

  I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. “I am not beautiful, but I do think Anna Grace will be.”

  “Did your husband never tell you that you were beautiful?”

  “Yea, but he was looking through eyes of love.”

  “Is that not the very best way to be beautiful? But you are easy to look at no matter the eyes that see you. That gleaming red hair. Those golden green eyes that see so much more than some can see. Your face that finds a way to smile even in sad moments. But better than how you look is your strength. Whatever happens, you will survive.”

  “Even losing Anna Grace if they take her from me?” I knew I could not have any kind of smile on my face then.

  “Yea, even then should that happen, but it is not going to. You will not let it happen.”

  “How will I stop it?” My gaze went to my child.

  “I don’t know the answer to that, but the same as I have faith Sister Genna’s Jeremy will yet return for her, I have faith an answer will come for you.” She put Anna Grace down and came to stand in front of me. “You will not let them take Anna Grace from you as I let them take Abby from me.”

  “I want to believe you. I do believe you.” I looked up at her since she was taller than I. “But I don’t know how I will keep it from happening.”

  “That’s where faith comes in. And continued prayers.” She put her hands on my shoulders and bent down to look directly into my face. “And that determined strength you have.”

  “I am going to miss you so much.”

  “But you won’t be here that much longer and then perhaps the Lord will let our paths cross again. I will keep my eye out for an answer to your dilemma. Perhaps a man in need of a housekeeper or an older woman without family who needs someone to care for her. Perhaps one of our brethren here will take a fancy to you and ask you to leave with him.”

  “I can’t think of loving someone as I did Walter.” A tear slipped out of my eye and down my cheek.

  She rubbed it away with her thumb. “You won’t love anyone as you loved him. If you love again, it will be a new way with a new man. That is as it should be.”

  “And you? Will you love again?”

  “Nay, I am yet married to Albert, whether he wants to be my husband or not. But I will love my grandchildren and my children and the ones they have chosen to love. As Sister Genna says, it is good. Not exactly as I would want, but good nevertheless.”

  We embraced then and more tears slid down my cheeks. Her eyes were moist too as she turned from me. She laid her Shaker cap and the neck kerchief on her bed. “I leave these, but I take many good memories of our nights here with these babies. Take care of them and love Benjamin as your own.”

  “I do already.”

  “You may have to steal away in the night if you take Benjamin with you when you leave.” She said it as if there was no doubt I would leave.

  “Sister Genna would be heartbroken if I took Benjamin away from her.”

  “If you don’t, the Shakers will. Keep that in mind, my sister.”

  Ellie picked up each baby for one more kiss. Anna Grace laughed, as seemed so easy for her. Then Benjamin laughed too. That made Ellie and me laugh as well, for he did not laugh often.

  “It is good to leave on a smile.” She picked up her bundle of personal things then and without another word was out the door. She had already decided to slip away before the morning meal to meet her son-in-law somewhere on the road outside the village.

  I watched from the window as she walked away. She did not look back. I sent prayers chasing after her until she was out of sight, and then I leaned my head against the window and wept. I did not feel strong at all.

  When I heard the door open behind me, I pulled myself together and wiped away my tears before I turned. I knew it would be Eldress Maria. She often came into our room before the morning meal. Without saying that was the reason, I knew it was so the babies would not be alone while I carried out the chamber pot and the water from our morning ablutions.

  She pretended not to notice my red eyes. Nor did she speak of Ellie, even though she looked at the cap and neck kerchief laid out on her bed. Instead she said “good morning” as usual and picked Anna Grace up from her pallet on the floor. I could no longer leave her in the cradle while I cleaned the room, for fear she would grab the sides to raise herself up and topple out.

  “Ellie’s gone.” I felt it wrong not to speak of Ellie at all.

  Eldress Maria frowned at me. “The one of whom you speak is of the world now. Her name will no longer be spoken in my presence until she comes to her senses and returns to us.”

  I started to say something, but the look she gave me made the words die in my throat.

  Her smile returned as she looked at Anna Grace. “How old is our little sister Anna Grace now?”

  “Nearly six months.”

  “The time has passed so quickly.” She kissed my baby’s cheek and was rewarded with a smile. “You’d best hurry to finish your duties before the morning meal.”

  “Yea.”

  I wanted to ask if I could simply fetch food for the babies from our kitchen this day instead of going to the Children’s House. I could not imagine eating with the sorrow of Ellie’s leaving weighing upon my heart, but I knew the eldress would not approve. Plus, Leatrice would soon be waiting on the steps to walk me to the Children’s House. I could not disappoint her, for she looked forward to helping with the babies.

  Perhaps this would be a morning her father came. I hoped so, for then I could ask if he had seen Ellie on the road with her son-in-law. That would let me know she was not alone.

  That was what I would be if I walked out of the village. Alone.

  29

  Sister Darcie wasn’t at the door when Leatrice got to her house. Leatrice never had to wait for her. Maybe she had missed her, but the little wagon Anna Grace rode in was by the steps. Leatrice shifted from one foot to the other as she watched the door and wondered if she should go inside to see if something was wrong with Sister Darcie.

  A few raindrops left over from the storms in the night hit her cap. She should have worn her cloak, but then she would have been hot even this early in the morning. It was summer. August. Sister Tansy told them it was August yesterday.

  Leatrice didn’t want to be here anymore. She had learned her letters and the secret of how they went together to make words. She could read. Her father could help her with words she couldn’t sound out.

  That woman was why she was here. She was why Papa was working on a new place for them to live. But Leatrice hadn’t thought it would take so long. Not longer than she needed to learn to read. Sister Josephine said she had plenty more to learn. Especially about how to be the right kind of Shaker sister.

  She didn’t want to be a Shaker. She wanted to go home and see her kittens. They would be cats by now. Kittens grew up fast. Leatrice sighed and sat down on the steps. She didn’t care if she did get the skirt of her dress wet and make Sister Tansy fuss about taking proper care of her clothes. Somebody was always fussing about something. So many rules. She wasn’t allowed to do this or that. Sometimes she just wanted to go outside and scream.

  She was pretty sure screaming was against the rules. At least once somebody got to be seven. Baby Benjamin could get away with screaming, but lately he hadn’t cried as much. Sister Darcie said that was because she was feeding him mashed-up foo
d and gruel. Leatrice wrinkled her nose at the thought of eating gruel. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but it sounded bad. Maybe not as bad as that woman’s black secret ingredient, but still not good.

  If that woman would just go away, things would be better. The same as if Mona went away, things would be better. Sister Darcie told her to pray for Sister Mona and Leatrice did. But that hadn’t kept Sister Mona from doing stuff to make her mad. So far Leatrice hadn’t thrown any more shoes at her. So far.

  Whenever Sister Mona started bothering her, Leatrice did say a silent prayer. Those were the kind the Shakers liked. She had several for Sister Mona. Lord, help Sister Mona not be so mean. Lord, make Sister Mona go somewhere else. Lord, make a sweat bee sting Sister Mona. She said that last one when they were out in the garden. Sometimes it worked and other times the sweat bee stung Leatrice.

  Mamaw Bea used to say the Lord didn’t always answer your prayers exactly the way you wanted, but that he had a way of making things work out right. If the answer wasn’t what you thought it should be, that was the Lord’s way of letting you know maybe you hadn’t prayed the right prayer.

  Leatrice sighed. Her prayers for Sister Mona probably weren’t the right prayers. Especially the sweat bee one. But Sister Darcie had said she was going to pray for Sister Mona and so had Papa. Their prayers would be better and Sister Mona wasn’t getting any nicer. So what did that mean?

  Maybe she’d ask Sister Darcie when she came out of her house. If she didn’t come soon, they were going to be late, and being on time was one of those rules they weren’t supposed to break. Leatrice had to be in line when they rang the little bell inside the Children’s House.

  The door opened behind Leatrice just as the big village bell began to ring. Usually she and Sister Darcie were already walking along the path between the houses when that happened.

  “I’m sorry you had to wait on me.” Sister Darcie hurried down the steps. She had a little blanket draped over Anna Grace’s head and Baby Benjamin was trying to kick out of the wrap she had in front of her chest. “I hope it doesn’t start raining again.”

  Sister Darcie wasn’t smiling the way she usually was, and her eyes were all red. “Are you all right?” Leatrice asked.

  “I’m fine.” Sister Darcie gave her a quick hug after she fastened Anna Grace onto the little wagon seat. “We better hurry. Sister Corinne will not be happy if we are late.”

  “Sister Corinne is never happy,” Leatrice said.

  “Surely that is not true. Everybody should be happy some of the time.”

  Sister Darcie didn’t look happy at all. Leatrice was pretty sure she had a tear on her cheek instead of a raindrop. Maybe Leatrice needed to pray for her too. That wouldn’t be hard. She liked Sister Darcie. But thinking about praying made her remember Sister Mona again and how just last night she had sneaked over to tie Leatrice’s shoelaces together in knots. Leatrice worked out the knots without saying anything, but she wished a wasp would be in Sister Mona’s cap.

  “Do you still pray for Sister Mona?” Leatrice asked as she pushed Anna Grace down the walkway. They hit a little bump and Anna Grace laughed the way she always did.

  “I do,” Sister Darcie said. “Do you?”

  “Yea, but it doesn’t help. She’s always being mean to me.”

  “Have you thrown another shoe at her?”

  “Nay, but I want to.” Leatrice watched the path. A little bump was all right, but she needed to guide around the big bumps that might make the wagon turn over.

  “I don’t blame you,” Sister Darcie said. “I pray for you too, Sister Leatrice.”

  “What do you pray?”

  “I pray that your father will come to see you. That you will learn to read. That you will have a smile on your face when you come to walk with me. That I can always be your friend.”

  “You mean sister.”

  “Nay. I mean friend. But a sister can be a friend too.” A drop of water rolled down Sister Darcie’s face.

  Leatrice was positive this one was a tear. “Are you sad today?”

  “I am. One of my sister friends left the village this morning, and I don’t know when I will see her again.”

  “You won’t leave too, will you?” Leatrice looked up at her. “And take the babies?”

  “Not today,” Sister Darcie’s voice was very quiet. “But maybe someday.”

  Leatrice let go of the wagon handle and turned to hug Sister Darcie. “Please don’t go.”

  Sister Darcie stroked Leatrice’s head. “Shh, Leatrice. I am still here, and it could be your father will take you home before I find a way to leave. But let this be a secret between us. I would not like to upset Sister Tansy or Sister Corinne.”

  Leatrice thought of how she was supposed to confess every wrong thing to Sister Tansy, but keeping a secret with Sister Darcie didn’t feel like a wrong thing. “I can keep a secret.”

  “Good.” Sister Darcie pushed her away and smiled. “And look who’s coming up the road. Your father and your grandfather too.”

  My little friend’s worries turned into smiles. She always sparkled when she saw her father coming. I was glad enough to see him myself. Perhaps because his coming made Leatrice so happy.

  Then as we continued on toward him, I knew it was more than her happiness that made my heart beat a bit faster at the sight of him sitting tall on his horse. Perhaps Ellie’s words predicting I would again find love had me looking at this good man in a different way.

  I pushed the thought aside. He had shown me nothing more than the kind attention he might have afforded anyone with his daughter. The good I felt at his sight was merely my joy for this sweet child Leatrice, mixed with a wish for what could not be, as I imagined Walter, like this man, a loving father to our Anna Grace, had he lived.

  When we met them, he dismounted and stepped close to hug Leatrice. Anna Grace waved her hands and made baby noises to get his attention. He laughed and leaned down to her.

  “And how is young Anna Grace this misty gray morning?” When she smiled, he went on. “Ah, I can see the weather makes no difference to your happy heart. Your mother has loved you well.”

  “I have loved Benjamin as well and he cries as much as Anna Grace smiles.” I felt a smile curling my own lips.

  The grandfather whose name I could not remember slid down off his horse to come over to us. He was a small man next to Leatrice’s father and often pale when he came to visit. But today he looked well. “That is life, Miss Darcie. A little laughter. A few tears. We are blessed when the smiles outnumber the tears.”

  “You are so right, sir.” I liked that he hadn’t named me sister. I was always sorry when Mr. Keller called me sister.

  Mr. Keller looked at me now and I spoke quickly in hopes he would ignore my tear-reddened eyes. “Did you see a woman in Shaker dress on the road as you came to the village?”

  “Has someone run away?” he asked.

  “She didn’t run away. She freely walked out of the village early this morning to meet her son-in-law, but I will feel better to know he came for her.”

  “We did meet a buggy with a young man and a woman in a blue dress. You remember, don’t you, Silas?” He looked at the grandfather, then back at me. “Could that have been the woman you mean?”

  “Yea.” My smile came easier. “Thank you so much. I hoped if you came this morning, you would see her and ease my worries for her.”

  “Was there trouble here?” His smile seemed less sure.

  “No place is totally without trouble,” I said.

  “This place seems so peaceful.” The grandfather he had called Silas looked around.

  “For many it is. They work to make it a heaven on earth. With unity of spirit.” I surprised myself by sounding like Sister Helene trying to convert someone to the Shaker life. I had to balance out what I said. “For others the unity is no more than an impossible dream.”

  “Then why are those here?” the grandfather asked.

  “Life can give
some few choices.” I held my little Benjamin closer and let my gaze fasten on Anna Grace. Three who had little choice of where we were.

  “Are you one of those?” Leatrice’s father asked.

  I raised my eyes to meet his. “Yes.” I purposely did not use the Shaker yea. “Yes, I am.” I looked away from him at Leatrice. “Come, Leatrice. We best hurry or we’ll be late for the meal.”

  “I’m not hungry. I want to stay here with Papa and Grandpa.” She folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t want to do what they say anymore. I want to go home.” Her lips trembled.

  “I can tell Sister Tansy that you are with your father and grandfather.” It wouldn’t hurt her to miss a meal. Perhaps her father would take her home as she wished. I reached to push Anna Grace the rest of the way to the Children’s House.

  “Go. Eat.” Her father’s voice was firm. “When you come back, we will talk.”

  Without a word, she came back to the walkway and moved in front of me to push Anna Grace. I longed to put my hand on her shoulder to let her know I understood how she felt, but instead I walked silently behind her.

  Sister Corinne’s frown was fierce when we came into the hallway as the boys and girls moved toward the dining room. Leatrice had carried Anna Grace up the steps, but now she handed her to me as Sister Janice reached to pull her into the line. I waited and went in last. I was thankful Benjamin was asleep next to my breast.

  After I tied a towel around Anna Grace’s middle to hold her in the chair next to me, I forced down the eggs and biscuits. The babies needed the milk my body made, and as Sister Genna had said, I should be happy for Ellie, not too sad to eat.

  After the meal I found Sister Tansy to ask a special forgiveness for Leatrice, who trailed after me, carrying Anna Grace. “Her grandfather is here with her father. Perhaps Sister Leatrice could be given a few extra minutes to visit with him.”

  “But what of you and the babies?” she asked. “You truly need help with them.”

  “I can manage.” I took Anna Grace from Leatrice and held her on my hip while still holding Benjamin. It wasn’t an easy task, but one I could do. Leatrice looked up at Sister Tansy with hopeful eyes.