Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  NAME THAT FABRIC

  Uncle John couldn’t help but wonder this morning as he was putting

  on his corduroy vest over his gingham shirt and spandex pants,

  where did all these fabrics get their names?

  TWEED

  Description: A coarse woolen fabric traditionally used to make suits and sport coats. It can have a plain weave or a “twill” weave that creates a pattern of diagonal lines or herringbone across the fabric.

  How It Got Its Name: Tweed owes its name to a mistake made in the 1830s. In those days, fabric woven with a twill weave was called tweel in Scotland. But when a London merchant unfamiliar with that name received a letter from a textile firm in the Scottish town of Hawick, he mistook the handwritten word “tweel” to be “Tweed,” the name of a river that flows near Hawick. The merchant assumed that the textile firms in the area had named their fabric after the river to differentiate it from fabrics woven in other parts of Scotland. Acting on this false assumption, the merchant advertised the fabric as “tweed.” Both the plain and twill weaves of the fabric have been called that ever since.

  GINGHAM

  Description: A cotton fabric that almost always has a checkerboard pattern.

  How It Got Its Name: Gingham originally came from Indonesia, where it had a striped pattern. The Indonesian or Malayan word for the fabric was genggang, which meant “striped.” When genggang entered the Dutch language in the early 17th century, it became gingang, which in turn became gingham in English.

  POLYESTER

  Description: A synthetic fabric used to make everything from clothing to bedsheets to the seatbelts in your car. When used to make clothing, polyester is often blended with natural fibers like cotton to create fabrics that feel natural but offer improved wrinkle resistance and other desirable qualities of artificial fabrics.

  How It Got Its Name: Developed by British chemists in the early 1940s, it’s made of polymers—large molecules that are created by linking smaller molecules together into long chains. These smaller molecules are linked to one another with esters, a class of oily or fatty substances that are created when acids react chemically with alcohols: Poly-ester.

  RAYON

  Description: A fine, soft, smooth fabric that feels artificial but is actually made from cellulose—fibers from wood pulp or cotton. The fibers are dissolved down to a liquidy goo, and then the goo is re-spun to make new fibers—that’s why it feels so artificial. Hawaiian shirts are often made with rayon fabric.

  How It Got Its Name: Created by a French inventor named Hilairede Chardonnet in 1889, rayon was known as “artificial silk” until 1924, when it was first marketed under the name rayon— “ray,” to call attention to its satiny sheen, and “on,” to show that it was similar to cotton fabric.

  CORDUROY

  Description: This fabric is woven in a way that creates a pattern of raised ribs that run across it.

  How It Got Its Name: If what you learned in high school French class led you to conclude that corduroy is “the King’s cord,” you’re mistaken…but don’t feel too bad. People have been making that same mistake for centuries, and it still pops up in reference books today. Actually, corduroy has never been known as corde du roi in France. The name actually refers to duroy or deroy, a type of woolen fabric once made in western England. Duroy woven with raised ribs or cords was known as corduroy.

  SPANDEX

  Description: Invented by DuPont chemist Joseph Shivers in 1959, spandex is a highly elastic, synthetic fabric used to make swimsuits, bicycling shorts, ski pants, and other body-hugging garments. Spandex is often sold under the brand name “Lycra.”

  How It Got Its Name: In most of the world, spandex is known as elastane. But in the United States, it’s spandex, an anagram of the word “expands.”

  THE FUTURE… ACCORDING TO SCI-FI MOVIES

  What will the future be like? Pretty grim, if these dystopian science-fiction

  movies are to be believed. On the other hand, some of them aren’t

  so far-fetched. (Is there one about $25-per-gallon gas?)

  2008…according to Split Second (1992). Global warming will leave the Earth at a perpetually toasty 170°F. The polar ice caps will melt, cities will be knee-deep in water, and a giant mutant will go around killing people and eating their hearts.

  2008…according to Terminal Justice (1995). Police officers will be equipped with computerized eyes that can see in the dark and across town. Also, human cloning will be perfected, but the technology will be used largely to make illegal clones of celebrities for use as prostitutes by the Mafia. (Bada-bing!)

  2009…according to I Am Legend (2007). A cancer vaccination will backfire, killing the entire human population…except for one scientist and a clan of mutant vampires.

  2013…according to The Postman (1997). A nuclear war (and the violent, paranoid survivalists left in its wake) will destroy civilization, kill billions, and wreak havoc on the climate, turning America into a desert wasteland run by a power-mad militia.

  2015…according to Robocop (1987). Detroit will turn into a crime-infested wasteland in which no one is safe. The shambles of the city government will contract with the massive Omni Consumer Products Corporation to privatize the police department and introduce an experimental, criminal-killing cyborg that is half-robot, and half-deceased cop.

  2017…according to The Running Man (1987). The American economy will collapse, and the country will be run as a police state. To keep people calm and distracted, the government will air live gladiatorial game shows that feature criminals being forced to defend their lives in sadistic human-hunting games. The most violent (and most popular) game show will be Running Man, shot in a burned-out section of Los Angeles that was destroyed in the great earthquake of 1997.

  2019…according to The Island (2005). Those with the financial means will get a clone of themselves made, and it will serve as a bank of spare parts should the original human part ever be lost to disease or injury.

  2022…according to Soylent Green (1973). Overpopulation will lead to a worldwide food shortage. Most people will subsist on the processed food products of the Soylent Corporation. Soylents Red and Yellow are made from vegetables, but the source of the newly introduced delicious, protein-rich, meatlike Soylent Green is a mystery. (It’s dead people.)

  2022…according to Tank Girl (1995). A comet will strike the Earth with such force that it will alter the atmosphere—it will stop raining everywhere. Water will become scarce and expensive, and a fascistic global water company will control its distribution. The employees will be frequently attacked by Rippers, failed genetic experiments that are half-man/half-kangaroo. It will finally rain again…in 2033.

  2027…according to Children of Men (2006). Humans will be infertile from 2009 on—we will be a dying race. With little future, society will slowly collapse, governments will descend into anarchy, and doctor-assisted suicide as well as acts of terrorism will be on the rise. But when a teenage refugee becomes pregnant, she will offer the world a glimmer of hope.

  2054…according to Minority Report (2002). By 2048 Washington, D.C. will have a murder rate of zero. How? The police will use the visions of three psychic mutants to predict—and prevent—crimes. It will be an extremely effective law-enforcement technique until one cop discovers that some of their bleak predictions of the future… could be wrong.

  DIRTY AIR & BRAIN BUCKETS

  If you’ve ever watched a NASCAR race and had no idea what

  the announcers were talking about, use this handy guide to

  help you decipher the lingo of this complex sport.

  AIR DAM. Part of the car’s body, under the front grille. It reaches very close to the ground, causing air pressure to push down on the car, which improves handling.

  APRON. The innermost part of an oval stock-car track. It separates the track from the unpaved infield.

  BACK MARKER. Derogatory term for a driver who regularly places very far back.

  B
ANK. All NASCAR tracks are bowl-shaped, meaning the tracks are inclined upward from the infield out. This helps the drivers take the corners at high speed. On some tracks, the “bank” can be as steep as 36 degrees.

  BLUE OVAL. Nickname for Ford vehicles, taken from their blue oval logo.

  BOW TIE. Nickname for Chevrolet, from their logo.

  BRAIN BUCKET. Helmet. DIRTY AIR. The turbulent air that comes off the car in front of another. Some cars run well in dirty air, others do better out in the open, in “clean air.”

  DOWNFORCE. The down-paved ward pressure created by air traveling over a moving car. Race teams try to find a balance between the benefits of downforce (increased grip on corners) and the detriments (increased drag and slower straightaway speeds).

  DRAFTING. When several DRAFTING. When several cars run very close together, touching sometimes nearly touching (at 185 mph!), it results in less drag on all the an cars, making them capable of higher speeds than one car alone. That’s called “drafting.”

  .

  GROOVE. The quickest and most efficient path around a particular race course. Sometimes it’s the “high groove” along the outside of the track near the outer wall, and sometimes it’s the “low groove” around the inside of the track near the apron.

  HAPPY HOUR. The last official practice session before starting the race.

  LOOSE. When a car’s rear end tends to slide out of control while cornering, it’s said to be “loose.” A loose car is generally faster than a “tight” car, but harder to handle.

  MARBLES. Debris that builds up on the track, mostly made up of rubber from tires.

  PITS. Parking spots just off the inside of the track, where “pit crews” quickly service the cars—change tires, clean windows, fill gas tanks, etc.—during “pit stops.”

  POLE POSITION. A term originally used in horse racing, it’s the location of the driver who is first when the race starts.

  PUSH. A car is said to have “push” when the front tires lose grip during a turn and the car is pushed up the face of the track toward the outer wall.

  QUALIFYING. The position at which drivers start a race is determined by driving “qualifying” rounds beforehand, during which each driver takes a few laps alone and as fast as possible. The driver with the fastest single round starts the race in the “pole position.”

  RESTRICTOR PLATE. An aluminum plate with four holes in it, placed between the carburetor and the intake manifold, reducing air flowing into the combustion chambers. They were implemented to slow cars down after driver Bobby Allison’s horrific 1987 crash at Talladega Superspeed-way, which tore out a section of fence meant to protect spectators, injuring several fans in the process. They’re required only at Talladega (in Alabama) and Daytona (in Florida), the two fastest tracks on the circuit. Many drivers say restrictor plates actually are more dangerous because they equalize the cars’ speeds, causing them to bunch together during races, thereby causing crashes that involve multiple cars.

  ROAD COURSE. A long race course with turns to the left and right, as opposed to an oval track. (NASCAR runs two road-course races per year.)

  For more NASCAR terminology, drive over to page 296.

  OLD MAN RIVERS

  Because early peoples depended on rivers for survival, they were among the first geological features to receive official names. Many of the origins are so old, in fact, that they’re lost to history. Here’s what we do know.

  MISSISSIPPI

  Description: The U.S.’s second-longest river (after the Missouri) begins at Lake Itasca in Minnesota and travels 2,340 miles south, all the way to the Gulf of Mexico.

  Origin: The name is believed to be a combination of two Indian words, though experts aren’t certain which ones. It may have been the Ottawa mici (“great”) and zibi (“river”), or the Algonquian misi (“father”) and sipi (“water”). What is certain is that in 1666 French explorers in the Great Lakes region recorded it as Messipi. As they traveled south, that name supplanted all of the other names in use. In 1798 U.S. Congress officially named the new territory after the Algonquin version, “Mississippi.”

  THAMES

  Description: Pronounced “tems,” it flows through several cities in southern England, most notably London.

  Origin: The first known reference comes from the Celtic Tamïssa, meaning “dark river.” In Latin it became Tamesis and then in Middle English, Temese. The “h” was added during the Renaissance, possibly as an homage to the Thyamis River in Greece, but the pronunciation of the hard “T” remained.

  NILE

  Description: The Nile is actually two rivers—the White Nile and the Blue Nile—that join up in Sudan before flowing north across Egypt and into the Mediterranean. In all, the world’s longest river system travels 4,100 miles through ten African nations.

  Origin: Because many different cultures have lived along the Nile’s banks for at least 5,000 years, this river has gone by many names: Iteru (“River of Life”), Ar (“Black,” due to the black sediment left behind after the annual floods), and Nahal (“Valley”). When the ancient Greeks traveled to the region, they called it Nelios, meaning “River Valley.” It is from this word that we get “Nile.”

  YANGTZE

  Description: Originating from a glacier on the Tibetan plateau, the Yangtze flows 3,915 miles before emptying into the East China Sea. It’s China’s principal shipping route and Earth’s third-longest river (only the Nile and the Amazon are longer).

  Origin: Yet another river of many names, it was referred to by Western explorers as both “Yangtze,” Chinese for “ocean child,” and “Chang,” for “river.” Those two names are still used interchangeably by the rest of the world. In China, however, the river is called Chang Jiang, which means “Long River” and dates back to the Sui Dynasty (A.D. 581–618).

  AMAZON

  Description: Flowing from Peru to Brazil and into the Atlantic Ocean, the Amazon is the world’s highest-volume river.

  Origin: The most commonly cited story says that in the 16th century, tribal warriors waiting on the banks attacked Spanish explorers sailing upriver. Because some of these warriors were women, the explorers believed they were Amazons, the female army from Greek mythology—hence the name. Another theory: It’s a derivation of Amassona, meaning “boat destroyer.” It was called that by indigenous people because of the Amazon’s tidal bores, or swells, known locally as pororoca. These bores occur during the high spring tides, which creates devastating waves that can travel several miles upriver.

  DANUBE

  Description: The second-longest river in Europe (after the Volga), the Danube begins in Germany and flows 1,771 miles east through ten countries before emptying into the Black Sea.

  Origin: Ancient Greeks called this river Ister. It was also called Danu by the Celts after the goddess Danu, a motherly protector of the Indo-European world. When Roman fleets patrolled it roughly 2,000 years ago, they Latinized the Celtic name to Danuvius. In 1066, when the Normans conquered Europe, the river took on the French version of the Latin name, Danube.

  QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD

  Sometimes the people who get all the glory are the ones who never give up and keep going and eventually win. Here’s our tribute to people who were at the top of their game…and walked away.

  ARTHUR RIMBAUD

  Career: In the early 1870s, Rimbaud was the rising star of the Paris poetry scene in the midst of its “Decadent movement.” Rimbaud fit perfectly. He drank too much, took drugs, was exceptionally rude (even to his friends), was prone to violence, and almost never bathed. And he wrote what is still considered among the most inspired, imaginative, and visionary poetry in history. And although it didn’t do much for him during his lifetime, after his death Rimbaud became one of the best-known poets in history, even to this day. With works such as Le Bateau ivre (The Drunken Boat) and Une Saison en Enfer (A Season in Hell), Rimbaud influenced hundreds of modern poets, novelists, and songwriters, including T. S. Eliot, Dylan Thomas, Henry Mill
er, Jack Kerouac, Bob Dylan, and John Lennon, to name just a few.

  Bye-bye: Rimbaud quit writing poetry…at the age of 20. He had done most of his writing as a teenager. In fact, the piece “Ophélie,” considered one of his best poems, was written when he was just

  15. Rimbaud spent the remainder of his life traveling in Europe, Africa, and Asia, trying to make money. He spent his last 10 years as a merchant in Ethiopia, at one point becoming an arms dealer in a war between rivals for the Ethiopian crown. He died in 1891 after having a leg amputated due to tumors, at the age of 37.