Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Totem images are richly varied. They can include seemingly random combinations of faces or full figures, animals, fish, birds, legendary creatures, plants, and abstract designs, all carved vertically on a single log, and usually painted with striking colors.

  The apparent randomness of images up and down a totem pole has inspired assumptions about their significance. It’s easy to think that, like Egyptian hieroglyphics, there’s some sort of recognizable story that can be read from the presence and position of each character. For example, there’s a common belief that the least important symbols are at the bottom and the most important at the top, as illustrated by the phrase about being “the low man on the totem pole.” Others assume that the most important figure is the bottom one, holding all the others up. Analysis of many poles, though, shows no apparent significant meaning in positioning. The most important character appears sometimes at the bottom, sometimes at the top, and sometimes in between.

  There’s a similar lack of uniformity in the meanings of the totem’s individual icons. True, the characteristics of certain animals have obvious symbolic meaning: a dog signifying loyalty, a bear signifying strength, etc. But the patrons usually determined the images and what significance, if any, they suggested. Artists, too, were often given a lot of latitude in what to include and where to place it. What can be surprising is how much humor is built into traditional designs. Figures can appear with intentionally comic postures and facial expressions. Even the person who commissioned the pole can’t expect to be spared: they may be portrayed hanging upside down or embarrassingly naked somewhere in the design.

  SHAME ON YOU

  Not all totem poles were status symbols. Some were meant as memorials and markers, as reminders of history and lineage, or as illustrations for well-known stories and legends. Some were carved to put to rest or memorialize unpleasant intra-tribal conflict: murders, feuds, and other traumatic events. Perhaps the most expressive totems are “shame poles,” small poles carved specifically to shame or ridicule someone. If somebody owes you a substantial amount of money and refuses to pay, you might commission an unflattering totem caricature showing the world what a crook he is and post it in a public place until he repays you.

  A modern example: In 2007 Native Alaskan artist Mike Webber erected a seven-foot shame pole after the Exxon oil company refused to pay billions of dollars in court-ordered damages for the Valdez oil spill 18 years earlier. Installed in hard-hit Cordova, Webber’s pole depicted the face of Exxon CEO Lee Raymond with dollar signs for eyes, a Pinocchio nose, and an oil slick pouring from his mouth. Around the face he carved the reassuring words from an Exxon official at the time: “We will make you whole.” Unfortunately, the power of a shame pole has its limits: A 2009 Supreme Court ruling cut Exxon’s liability from $5 billion to $500 million.

  ARTISTS AND THEIR TOOLS

  Only a few totems were built during the first half of the 20th century, when Indian culture seemed on the verge of dwindling away to nothing. But the civil rights and ethnic pride movements of the 1960s and ’70s brought renewed interest among Native Americans about their own culture, and since then totem pole carving has thrived.

  Although totem-building tools were once bone and flint, nowadays modern hand tools such as saws, axes, chisels, and gouges make up a basic totem-carving tool kit. A scout knife is the tool most used in the process of detailing and fine carving. Before placing the totem into the ground, the artist would traditionally singe its base to provide some resistance to bugs and rot. But they don’t do that anymore.

  TOTEM PRESERVATION

  Let’s say your clan has owned a totem pole for a few generations. What are the odds that it will still be around for your great-grandchildren to see? Not too good. Totem poles will stand only as long as they remain in good shape. At some point, usually after 60 to 80 years, weather and rot gang up with gravity, and the totem meets its end with a mighty crash. This often happens during windstorms, or is done deliberately to avoid tragedy when a weakened totem begins leaning ominously.

  Perhaps that natural decay and death is as it should be. But old totems are valuable, not only to their communities and to those who appreciate their history, art, and culture, but to hotels, shopping centers, and museums, as well. (Even modern, freshly carved totems are expensive—a rule of thumb is roughly $500 per foot for a new totem pole hand carved by a native artist with traditional tools; $125 per foot for a machine-assisted version.) So a lot of research has gone into preserving and rehabilitating them. Rather than letting totems rot back into the ground, current state-of-the-art methods turn them into weatherproofed, plasticized artifacts, installed by a derrick and cemented into a concrete base.

  REACHING HIGHER

  Totem poles began as status symbols, and the tradition continues. Several towns along the Northwest coast proudly claim to have the world’s largest totem pole. The tallest appears to be a 173-foot pole in Alert Bay, British Columbia. The widest, measuring more than six feet in diameter, decorates Duncan, British Columbia. These are records likely to stand for a while, since it’s gotten progressively harder to obtain red cedar logs anywhere near that size.

  SAY UNCLE!

  Uncle John isn’t the only famous uncle out there.

  Uncle Herschel. Dan Evins, the founder of the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain, named one of his most popular entrées after his favorite uncle, Herschel McCartney. The dish consists of eggs, grits, biscuits and gravy, fried apples, hash browns, and a pork chop.

  “Bob’s your uncle!” A British slang expression which means “there you go” or “there you have it.”

  The Man from U.N.C.L.E. A 1964–68 TV spy show that followed Napoleon Solo (Robert Vaughan), a top secret agent of the United Network Command for Law Enforcement, in his efforts to defeat the evil criminal organization the Technological Hierarchy for the Removal of Undesirables and the Subjugation of Humanity (T.H.R.U.S.H.).

  Uncle Joe. During World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt came up with this warm-and-fuzzy nickname for Soviet dictator (and U.S. ally) Josef Stalin in order to make him seem more trustworthy to the American public.

  WHO’S LOW MAN ON THE TOTEM POLE?

  The figures on totem poles can represent animals, fish, birds, plants,

  and mythical creatures as well. The stories behind these icons

  are often as interesting as the carvings themselves.

  THUNDERBIRD: Carved with wings proudly outstretched on top of totem poles, thunderbirds are the grand lords of the sky realm, and war with each other above the clouds. Their beating wings are the cause of thunder, and their blinking eyes create lightning. They can make themselves invisible and have been known to kill (and eat) whales. The thunderbird’s official role: the protector of the Earth.

  KOLUS: The strong but dim-witted brother of the thunderbird, Kolus is a competitive show-off. He is often carved with his wings burned at the tips from flying too close to the sun. But he’s not completely useless: He eats mosquitoes and sometimes helps humans with heavy lifting.

  EAGLE: The eagle is the ruler of the sky, and represents divine spirit and a connection to the spiritual world. Eagles are known to turn themselves into humans and dance at tribal ceremonies.

  RAVEN: Despite being a thief, liar, and trickster, the raven is considered a lovable rogue. But be careful not to cross him: When feeling vengeful, he can turn himself into the fearsome Hok Hok, a long-beaked bird monster that will gladly pluck out your eyes.

  SISKIUTI: Carved in coils around the totem pole, Siskiuti is a two-headed sea serpent that encourages war and loves to see injuries and blood. He’s not just a spectator, though—he pulls war canoes to battle sites, protects his crestholders during war, and with one glance of his crystal eyes, turns enemy warriors into stone.

  BEAVER: Beavers, the storytellers say, have been at war with humans for hundreds of years, mostly because the fur trade of the 1800s decimated them. Beavers will gang up and occasionally murder people walking near rivers. Their ve
ngeance knows no bounds: If slighted, they will dig underground tunnels that cause earthquakes and landslides.

  BEAR: Bears are teacher symbols, believed to have taught humans to catch salmon and pick berries. They really like humans—so much so that they turn themselves into big, lumbering humans in order to marry attractive princesses.

  TSONOQUA: A wild, foul-smelling woman, Tsonoqua steals fish, treasures, and—when hungry—children to eat. (But don’t worry—she’s also stupid, so most kids escape.) She cannot be killed permanently, but if she’s burned up in a fire, her ashes fly into the air and turn into mosquitoes.

  WHALE: Rulers of an underwater city, whales hate and fear thunderbirds, because thunderbirds like to eat them. When they get bored with being the rulers of the underwater world, they can scrape off their skin and become wolves. They’re sometimes pictured with Komogwa, the sea king, or Copper Woman, who forges underwater metal goods and causes volcanic eruptions.

  WOLF: Wolves are not just great howlers—they’re good drummers as well. Because of their nocturnal nature and their love of dancing, they know many secrets and sometimes party late into the night with the Ghost People. Although it drains them physically, wolves are great healers and can turn themselves into shamans (and sometimes vice versa).

  OCTOPUS: When pictured on totems, they’re called Devilfish. You don’t want to wear red when paddling on the sea, because it makes them want to pull you underwater and drown you.

  FROG: Carved on totem poles to bring good fortune, frogs can survive bursting out of their skin or (thanks to their friendship with Copper Woman) jumping into volcanoes. They are not to be insulted or mistreated: In one myth, a frog was held in a fire and then burst, spewing out enough lava to destroy an entire village.

  FOLLOWING PROTOCOL

  When one is addressing the exalted Uncle John at official Throne

  Room functions, one must first bow, then curtsy, then jump up

  and down for 10 seconds while singing “Rubber Duckie.”

  It may sound weird, but it’s protocol.

  INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS

  In today’s jet-set culture, most heads of state lead an incredibly hectic life—trips, negotiations, press conferences, speeches, and dozens of meetings every day. All of those comings and goings present some unusual scheduling problems. For instance, what would happen if a foreign leader arrived at the White House for an official visit, and the president happened to be out playing golf? Or if the president flew to a summit meeting and the host country had forgotten to book a hotel room for him? In international relations, these embarrassing situations have to be avoided at all cost. That’s why governments follow “protocol”—official procedures and rules of diplomatic conduct, right down to the minutiae of how flags are displayed, how officials are addressed, who speaks first at a ceremonial event, and whether it’s proper to shake hands, bow, or salute. In the United States, there is an entire State Department division devoted to the finer points of making sure our government doesn’t embarrass itself: the Office of the Chief of Protocol.

  WE’RE ON A MISSION

  The two most important jobs of the 64-person Office of the Chief of Protocol are 1) planning the schedules of foreign leaders visiting the president and 2) accompanying the president on his official visits abroad and coordinating all travel and meeting plans with the White House, the First Lady’s staff, and the host country’s officials.

  But that’s not all the Protocol Office does. It organizes treaty-signing ceremonies, resolves diplomatic-immunity cases, and helps foreign diplomatic missions set up their embassies in the U.S. It also plans the schedules of presidential delegations at foreign inaugurals, funerals, weddings, and similar ceremonies. It organizes swearing-in ceremonies for U.S. ambassadors and other State Department officials. It arranges the arrivals of foreign dignitaries visiting the U.S., along with any foreign journalists accompanying them. It approves the credentials of foreign ambassadors and then acts as the president’s liaison to them while they’re in Washington. And it plans and carries out the president’s and the secretary of state’s visits to the United Nations General Assembly.

  In brief, the Office oversees or assists with just about everything that has to do with state visits, U.S. diplomats, foreign diplomats in the U.S., and official ceremonies. Where diplomacy is concerned, it’s our national concierge, party planner, travel agent, gift giver, hotelier, and mediator.

  And that’s still not all it does.

  MANAGING THE WORLD’S MOST EXCLUSIVE HOTEL

  Blair House, on Pennsylvania Avenue across the street from the Old Executive Office Building of the White House, is the president’s official guesthouse for visiting heads of state and occasional domestic guests, such as presidents-elect. The Office of the Chief of Protocol maintains and manages the facility with the help of a staff (on call 24/7) that spares no effort to make each guest comfortable and provide everything he or she might need (like jelly beans for president-elect Ronald Reagan or burgers for King Hussein of Jordan).

  The original building was a single townhouse constructed in 1824 by Dr. Joseph Lovell, the 8th surgeon general of the U.S. Army. In 1837 it was purchased for $6,500 by the family of Francis Preston Blair, owner of the Washington Globe newspaper and close friend of Andrew Jackson. The house remained in the Blair family until 1942, when the State Department bought it to provide accommodations for VIPs visiting President Roosevelt.

  Today Blair House comprises the original townhouse plus three adjacent ones, which look separate from the outside but are actually connected inside—they add up to a whopping 70,000 square feet and 119 rooms. Blair House is, in fact, bigger than the White House, with 14 guest bedrooms, 9 staff bedrooms, 35 bathrooms, 4 dining rooms, many conference rooms and sitting rooms, an exercise room, a hair salon, kitchens, laundry and dry-cleaning facilities, and even a flower shop. It’s decorated in the style of an elegant 19th-century home, with antiques, fine art, Oriental rugs, polished silver, and crystal chandeliers. There are 14–25 official visits to Blair House per year and 50–100 other functions, such as receptions and meetings. While a visiting president, prime minister, or monarch is in residence, his or her national flag flies over Blair House, which becomes, in effect, an embassy of that nation.

  One other thing the Office of the Chief of Protocol maintains at Blair House: the official guest book. Some visitors simply sign their names—François Mitterand, Margaret Thatcher, or Jawaharlal Nehru, for example—but others leave messages. During the week of President Reagan’s state funeral, Nancy Reagan stayed at Blair House and left this entry: “Many thanks for all your kindness and thoughtfulness at a very difficult time in our lives.” Hamid Karzai, chairman of the Interim Administration of Afghanistan, was a little more informal: “Such a wonderful and pleasant stay at the homely Blair House. I will remember you guys.”

  THE GIFT UNIT

  The Protocol Office’s Gift Unit has a unique job. In addition to keeping track of all the gifts given to and sent by the president, vice president, secretary of state and their spouses, the Protocol Gift Unit is “the central processing point for all tangible gifts received from foreign sources by employees of the Executive Branch of the Federal government.” The unit keeps a detailed list of each gift, including a description, name and title of recipient, date of acceptance, estimated value, current location, name of the donor and government, and circumstances justifying acceptance. Almost all gifts are accepted because, according to official guidelines, “non-acceptance would cause embarrassment to the donor and the U.S. Government.”

  In 2001, for example, more than 150 gifts were received for President Bush, and hundreds more were received for the First Lady, First Family, First Daughters, vice president, vice president’s wife, secretaries of state, treasury, and defense, and dozens of other government officials. The list includes paintings, rugs, statues, books, vases, dishes, bowls, pitchers, a silver coffeepot, silver spoons, jewelry, watches, pistols, sabers, daggers, arrows, coins, plaques
, carved elephant tusks, a patchwork coverlet, a drum, a briefcase, an evening purse, shawls, neckties, wine, a baseball bat, desk sets, table linens, toiletries, ornamental boxes, a silver-framed photo of Queen Elizabeth II, a silver-framed photo of the king and queen of Spain, two ceramic coffee mugs, a CD called The Best of Western Gotaland, a laser portrait of the president on stretch nylon fabric, a pair of brown lizard-skin boots for the First Lady, a pair of black ostrich-skin boots for the president, and an Inuit sculpture of a walrus.

  A BARREL OF GAFFES

  In the world of international diplomacy there are real mistakes, and then there are gaffes—moments of minor screwed-up protocol. Real mistakes rock foreign policy and can have worldwide repercussions, sometimes for decades, like the Bay of Pigs invasion. Protocol gaffes generally make headlines for a few days and then fade away…until they appear in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

  • In 1981 Leonore Annenberg, President Reagan’s chief of protocol, made a small curtsy to England’s visiting Prince Charles. Mistake: The chief of protocol should have known that one of the rules of U.S. protocol is that no American is supposed to bend a knee to anyone.