Lesley
Lesley Milton
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: July 26, 2000
Subject: Your visit
Dearest Lesley,
I’ll be happy to visit Washington, D.C., if you want, but I’ll skip the Vietnam Memorial this go-round.
We had quite a scare. Remember I told you that Leni Jo met a wonderful young man (a colleague in England)? He came over here to visit her. Originally he’d planned to catch the Concorde out of Paris. The very one that crashed and killed everyone onboard. Thank God he decided to book another flight!
This man is the one. I had that feeling the moment I first saw my daughter and William together. My guess is they’ll be married within a year. I haven’t seen Leni Jo this happy in a very long time.
She’s so calm about it, so like Monty. William is well aware of what a joy she is. I hate the thought of her moving to London, but I suspect that’s the way it’ll have to be if they do get married.
Everything about this relationship feels right.
Jillian
Riverside Clinic
258 West 81st St.
New York, NY 10024
Dr. Louise Novack, Oncologist
August 11, 2000
Dear Jillian Gordon,
The blood work from your most recent checkup is in. Please make an appointment with Dr. Novack at your earliest convenience. We look forward to seeing you soon.
Sincerely,
Pat Terrney, R.N.
Lesley Milton
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: August 25, 2000
Subject: Your visit!!!!!
Lesley,
I’ve had a change of heart about visiting the Vietnam War Memorial. You’re absolutely right (savor the moment!). It’s time I faced the Wall.
I can’t wait for you to get here. We’re going to have a fabulous time.
See you the first week of October.
Love,
Jillian
September 19, 2000
Good Morning, Mom!
The coffee’s on and I’m leaving for work early this morning. Did you hear Will and me on the phone last night? I couldn’t believe he’d pay the big bucks to call when it’s so easy to email. But he had something to ask me and he didn’t want to do it over the computer. I’ll bet you can guess.
Mom, Will asked me to marry him and I told him yes. Then I got teary-eyed because I wished so badly that I could be with him. His visit in July seems like a lifetime ago. We want to be together and the sooner the better.
Neither Will nor I wants a long engagement, and we both prefer a small wedding. I hope that doesn’t disappoint you. Now, here’s the second part. We’d like to be married in London. Will’s family is much larger than mine and it only makes sense that you and I travel to London instead of asking his parents, twin sister and brother to trek all the way to New York. We can have a reception here afterward, if you want. I didn’t want to wake you to discuss it, so I made an executive decision and agreed. I didn’t think you’d mind.
I was so happy and excited after we talked that I couldn’t sleep. When Paul and I broke up I thought I’d never want anything more to do with men. You said I would and you were, of course, right. Oh, Mom, I’m so in love. Will is a wonderful, wonderful man and I’m crazy about him.
Call me once you’re up. Shall we celebrate tonight and have dinner out? I think we should.
Love,
Leni Jo
Jillian’s Journal
October 15, 2000
I saw Lesley off early this morning and only now have time to reflect on her visit. With my dearest friend here and Leni Jo bustling about planning her wedding, I’ve barely had a moment to myself. Everything seemed to be happening at once. Leni Jo glows with happiness, and just being around her, I get caught up in her excitement and joy. Lesley is thrilled for her, too.
The highlight of her visit was our trip to Washington, D.C. I’d dreaded seeing the Vietnam War Memorial; I’ve avoided it for years. I was sure the emotion would be too much, that it would overwhelm me and break through all my hard-won contentment, my resignation. And the minute I found Nick’s name engraved in the Wall, that’s exactly what happened.
I’m thankful Lesley was with me. We hugged and wept together. When I found the strength, I placed my fingertips against Nick’s name. At the same time, I saw my own reflection in the black marble. Actually and metaphorically, emotionally and spiritually, he was part of me. In all the years he’s been dead, I’ve never felt his presence this profoundly—even more strongly than the day I had that near-death experience. I felt a sense of peace. I held my head high, proud to have loved Nicholas Patrick Murphy, proud of the sacrifice he made. The politics of the Vietnam War are forgotten, pondered only by historians, but the men and women who died there will continue to live in our hearts.
Visiting the Wall changed me. I wish now that I’d gone years ago. I remember Brad Lincoln’s letter after his visit to the Vietnam Memorial; unfortunately I couldn’t find it. As I recall, he’d had a very similar reaction. The Wall certainly focuses one’s thoughts—on death and on life. The brave and honorable men who are commemorated here will remain forever young, forever loved and forever remembered.
Lesley knows. I’ve never been able to keep a secret from her. We weren’t together a day and she asked me about the breast cancer. It’s back, more virulent than ever. With her, I could reveal my fears. For Leni Jo and Gary, I’ve put on a brave front, but this is my second confrontation with the ravening beast and I’m feeling uncertain. Dr. Novack wants to do a second surgery, followed once again by chemotherapy and radiation. Just when I’d grown accustomed to my full head of gray hair, it appears I’m going to lose it.
I want to live, but if I should lose this battle, then so be it. At least I’ll die knowing my daughter is happy and settled. I know my son-in-law will look after Leni Jo.
I’ve told no one else, certainly not my daughter or Gary. I insisted Lesley keep my secret. With the wedding less than a month away, the last thing Leni Jo needs to hear is this. We’ll both be forced to face it soon enough. I’m certainly in no rush. I’m doing everything that’s asked of me, taking the medication, dealing with the doctors and the almost constant appointments. I have faith that everything that can be done is being done.
My one complaint is how tired I’ve been lately. I wished I hadn’t told Lesley so soon after her arrival. From that point on, she was worse than a mother, constantly monitoring me, asking how I felt and whether I needed anything. I’m afraid my patience has been in short supply these past few days.
I think Gary has guessed. He’s suggested shorter walks and only three times a week. He insisted his knees were bothering him, but I don’t believe it.
I didn’t mean to be morbid, but I’ve chosen a headstone. Lesley was appalled. I’ve already paid for the plot next to Monty. It made sense to do so when we buried him. I knew then that I would never remarry. I’ve been blessed to love two wonderful men in my life and I wasn’t about to press my luck.
William Chadsworth
December 1, 2000
Dear Mom,
I realize it’s somewhat premature to call you Mom, since Leni Jo and I won’t be married until next weekend, but I didn’t think you’d object.
The purpose of this letter is to thank you for raising Leni Jo to become the woman she is. The woman I love. Although we’d worked together for a number of months, she was little more than a name at the bottom of a fax. I knew nothing about her personally, although I’d come to admire her integrity and spirit.
Before I met Leni Jo, I’d despaired of finding a wife. She was like a summer breeze that swept into my life, bringing laughter and wonder and joy. I fell instantly in love with her. To my everlasting gratitude, she feels the same way about m
e.
My family loves her and, like me, is thankful that she’s willing to become one of us.
All of this is a circuitous way of thanking you for Leni Jo. I love her more than I dared believe I could love anyone. When we say our vows, I want you to be assured that I will love and care for her the rest of my life. My commitment to her is complete.
Sincerely,
William Chadsworth
JUDGE JILLIAN L. GORDON, RETIRED
IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF HER
DAUGHTER
LENI JO GORDON
TO
WILLIAM HENRY THOMAS CHADSWORTH III
ON
DECEMBER 9, 2000
A RECEPTION TO HONOR THE COUPLE IS BEING HELD AT
THE WATER CLUB
500 EAST 30TH STREET
DECEMBER 30, 2000
AT 3 O’CLOCK
RSVP
2001
Jillian’s Journal
January 1, 2001
I wish I knew what’s happened to the last 12 months. I don’t need a calendar as much as a stopwatch these days. The weeks just melt away. In part this is due to how busy I’ve been this past year. First the trip to London with Leni Jo, then this second bout with cancer, which seems to occupy my every moment, all my strength and all my resolve. Even after the first run-in with cancer, I treated my health almost casually. This has been a lesson well learned. If I’m cured—not if, WHEN—I will never again take my health for granted.
Leni Jo is blissfully happy. Will is a marvelous husband and I think nothing of hopping on a flight to visit her for a few days whenever my treatment schedule allows. It’s exhausting but worth it.
I’ve seen more of Lesley this year than in the last five. She was here for my surgery and stayed both before and after. Gary and my dearest friend took turns watching over me. I’m feeling somewhat stronger now, and I’m very encouraged, especially with the new medications I’m on. The chemotherapy is rough and depletes me emotionally as well as physically, but Lesley and Gary have done their best to keep my spirits up.
Gary and I are closer than ever. After Lesley left for home, he took it upon himself to see to my care and comfort. He’s been wonderful and I’m deeply indebted to him. I know he emails Leni Jo and Will with regular updates. We continue with our daily walks and have dinner together at least three times a week and sometimes more. He’s my companion and dearest friend—after Lesley, of course. I know he’d like us to marry, but he hasn’t broached the subject in some time and frankly, I’m grateful. I wish I knew why I’m so hesitant. Fear, I guess. I’ve already had two great loves in my life, Nick and then Monty, and lost them both. I don’t think I could endure that kind of emotional agony again. Lesley thinks I’m cheating Gary and myself, and perhaps I am, but I have enough to cope with. I can’t think about marriage right now. Especially now. I don’t know what the future holds, not when I’m living with cancer.
Well, this election mess is finally over, thank God. Within days, George W. Bush will be sworn into the White House. Who would’ve believed this fiasco would drag on for weeks? I only hope this kind of confusion and craziness never occurs again.
I’m growing tired—a constant problem these days—so I’ll cut this short. Gary is taking me for a walk in the Park later and then out to dinner.
Jillian Gordon
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: February 28, 2001
Subject: Earthquake!
Dearest Jillian,
A quick note to let you know that I’m fine and so are all the kids. The news said the Seattle-area earthquake registered 6.8 on the Richter scale. I can believe it—we were all badly shaken. No pun intended!
Several photographs and pictures fell off the walls and all the drawers in the kitchen opened and stuff spilled onto the floor, but that’s minor compared to the damage in downtown Seattle. Now I know why so few people around here have brick houses. Thankfully, Steven was home and we were together when the quake hit.
I’ll get back to you as soon as I can, but I didn’t want you to worry.
Love,
Lesley
Lesley Milton
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: September 11, 2001
Subject: The events of this morning
Dearest Lesley,
Dear God in heaven, how can this be happening? Terrorists, madness, death and destruction. I hardly know what to write other than to assure you that I’m fine. The phones are useless and there’s no way I can call you and no way you can call me. By some twist of fate, Leni Jo and Will managed to reach me and I’m grateful to have spoken briefly to my daughter. We wept together and were cut off after only a few minutes.
My heart is screaming at the horror that is taking place so close to my home. I cannot believe anything this terrible would happen—not here in New York, not in my town, my neighborhood. Not to us as a nation. I am in shock, in pain and in mourning. I don’t think any American will ever be the same again. How can we be? How will we ever recover from such evil? I have no answers, only questions. Everything that seemed so important only a few days ago is irrelevent now.
I can’t donate blood, but I’ll do whatever I can.
God bless America, the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Jillian
2002
Lesley Milton
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: January 15, 2002
Subject: Sick To Death
Lesley,
I’ve put up as much of a fight as I could, but I’m sick to death of all this and want it to end. My medical team wants me to undergo a third series of treatments. I can’t do it. These last sixteen months have been terrible. The cure is worse than the disease. What can cancer do to me that the physicians haven’t already done? I’ve been poked, pinched, prodded. I’ve endured all I can. Don’t bother to argue with me. It’s too late. I told them “no more.”
Do you remember when Monty asked the doctors to cease all treatment and let him die? I pleaded with him, begged him to change his mind and fight as long as he could. He so rarely denied me anything, but he did that time. He asked to die with dignity. I understand now. How very well I understand.
I can’t do this any longer. I can’t sit in another waiting room, can’t endure another day of this. I can’t tolerate looking at myself emaciated and hairless. I can’t stand the exhaustion or the nausea. I turn 54 today and I feel like 104.
After this last bout, I’m weary of the battle. The white flag is up. This soldier has laid down her weapon and surrender is imminent. Don’t be angry with me, Les, I’m just sick to death of being sick to death. As always, Gary has been wonderful, but I’m an emotional drain on him and I know it. It’s been sixteen hellish months for both of us. I can’t continue to put him through this—him or me. I want out!
Jillian Gordon
* * *
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: January 15, 2002
Subject: Happy Birthday!!!!
Dearest Jillian,
No! I can’t, I won’t let you give up. You’re my dearest and best friend and I refuse to let you die at 54. You of all people know how stubborn I can get.
I should’ve been there before now. I should’ve known. This does it, and Steven agrees. My bags are already packed and Steven is buying me a plane ticket as we speak. I’m flying out tomorrow to be with you and I’m not leaving until you kick me out the door.
Do you remember when we were in Latin class and I just couldn’t seem to get the hang of those verbs? When it came to biology and chemistry, I was a whiz, but Latin was about to do me in. I wanted to give up and accept a C, but you refused
to let me. For hours you drilled me, until I knew those verb conjugations as well as my own name. My dear, this is Latin class all over again, only this time I’m the one who’s going to stand by you.
We’re in this together. Cancer might have worn you down, but I’ll be there by your side, my arm around you. This is one monster we’re going to face together! Gary on one side and me on the other. As you said, you’ve been poked, pinched and prodded, and now you’re about to be pampered.
I should’ve come sooner, should have realized you needed me, but I know it now and I’m on my way.
Mr. and Mrs. William Chadsworth
112 Waterbury Street
London, England
January 15, 2002
Dearest Mom,
Happy Birthday! Will and I have some wonderful news we’ve been saving for your birthday. We’re going to make you a grandma. That’s right, I’m pregnant. Oh, Mom, you can’t imagine how excited Will is. Was Daddy like this when you told him you were pregnant with me? The way Will’s treating me, it’s as though I’m the only woman in the world who’s ever managed such a feat.
The baby is due the last week of August. You’ll be able to come to England, won’t you? I hate it that you’ve been so sick lately. You try to hide how dreadful this time has been, but I can read between the lines. Will and I hope that your first grandchild will give you something to look forward to.
We both love you very much. Oh, Mom, I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy or so in love.
Enjoy your gifts, book your ticket for August now and have a wonderful, wonderful birthday.
Will and Leni Jo
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
Riverside Clinic
258 West 81st St.
New York, NY 10024
Attention: Dr. Louise Novack
Between Friends Page 27
