Aliens on Vacation

by Clete Barrett Smith

  A huge smile spread across Commander Rezzlurr’s face. “That was an Arslaggian Slave Ship!” he cried. “I spent over a year chasing it all over the cosmos. Finally got so desperate I started checking the UFO reports from primitive planets. Sure enough, I stumbled across your posting. Those Arslaggian slimeballs were hiding out around here, thought no one would look for them in such a tiny solar system.” Rezzlurr whacked Tate heartily on the back. “I finally caught up with them after your tip. Got my first promotion right afterward. Excellent police work.”

  Tate smiled proudly. Amy beamed. “Thank you…sir,” Tate said.

  “Oh no, it’s me who needs to be thanking you. Wow. Running into Robert Tate, I just can’t believe it. What a small universe, huh? So what do you do here, Tate?”

  The smile disappeared. “Well, I spent many years as sheriff, but I recently…retired.”

  “Law enforcement? Excellent. And you say that you are currently in a state of self-deactivation? Even better.”

  Tate cleared his throat. “Well, my daughter and I will be moving soon to—”

  “I’ll cut right to the point, Tate,” Rezzlurr said. “Would you consider reactivating? For a good cause?”

  Tate looked at Amy, who beamed at him, then back at Rezzlurr. “I’m listening.”

  The huge green alien turned to Grandma. “I think we might have found your new head of security.”

  Grandma shook her head. “Oh no. I don’t think so.”

  Rezzlurr ignored her. “What do you think, Tate? Would you like to become an official member of the Intergalactic Police Force?”

  Tate’s demeanor was all business. “What kind of salary and benefits are we looking at here, sir?”

  The red alien chimed in. “You will have access to the finest health care in the universe. If you ever require medical attention, you simply transport to one of the health centers on—”

  “That’s right,” rumbled Commander Rezzlurr. “You won’t have to be subjected to the primitive techniques of the butchers on this backward planet, not anymore. Top of the line, Officer Tate. You’ll probably double whatever the life expectancy is around here.”

  Grandma rolled her eyes at that one.

  “And you get two weeks of paid vacation per quarter,” the red alien continued. “If you wish, once per year you will be awarded an all-expenses-paid vacation to your choice of any of the tropical planets in the Adzerahrton Galaxy. They offer the finest—”

  “The ladies there are something else,” Rezzlurr interrupted, elbowing Tate in the ribs. “Thousands of species from all over, for every taste and—”

  Tate cleared his throat more loudly and glanced at Amy beside him. “I think I get the point,” he said.

  Then he looked at the ground. We all watched him, waiting. Amy slipped her hand into his. “So…it would be a real law enforcement job?” he said.

  “Sir,” the little red alien said seriously, “you would have the most important law enforcement job on the planet.”

  Tate looked again at Amy, who squeezed his hand. Then he looked up at the aliens. “Ready, willing, and able.”

  “He’ll be perfect,” the big green alien said to Grandma. “The Collective likes security personnel to be native. Especially on primitive outposts.”

  Grandma shook her head again. “I’m sorry. We simply don’t need any security around here.”

  Commander Rezzlurr frowned. “Oh really? I thought you called us about an important emergency.”

  The little red alien stepped in. “Ma’am? Hiring an approved security expert would mean that we could open up your transporters immediately.” Commander Rezzlurr and Tate both smiled. The similarity in their expressions was a little unsettling. All of us, human and alien alike, stared at Grandma and awaited her answer. She crossed her arms and huffed.

  Mr. Harnox bent down to her. “Excuse, but…you have told me oftentimes…that all of the creatures of the universe deserve a chance…that all have the goodness inside.” He put his hand on Grandma’s shoulder. “Is this man not such a creature as this?”

  Grandma scowled at Tate. “He’s a creature, all right.”

  I looked at Amy. “If your dad took the job, you’d be able to stay here.” Amy nodded, a hopeful smile forming on her lips. I turned to Grandma. “She loves it here, Grandma. Not just Forest Grove, but your place. Especially your place.”

  Grandma looked at Amy, and then at Mr. Harnox, and finally me. “Looks like I’m outvoted,” she said.

  Then she took a deep breath and turned her gaze on the ex-sheriff. “Two conditions, Tate,” she said finally. “One, there will be absolute no scaring or harassing my guests. Do you understand?”

  Tate shrugged, then nodded.

  “Good. Two, my grandson is leaving soon, and I need more help. I can’t exactly advertise for the position. If you come on as head of security, then I’ll need your daughter to take over his job.”

  Amy shrieked, “Really? Do you really mean it? ”

  “That’s if you’d like the job, of course.”

  “I’d love it! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” She grabbed Grandma in a bear hug and they spun around on the grass together, laughing. Amy beamed. “I have so many good ideas for this place. I can’t wait to share them with you!”

  Grandma cupped Amy’s face in her hands. “I can’t wait to hear them, dear.”

  Amy couldn’t stop smiling. She hugged me now, crushing me against her. I glanced at Tate. He raised an eyebrow, but Commander Rezzlurr was already pulling him toward the spacecraft. “Would you like a tour of my ship, officer? She’s a top-of-the-line model.”

  Tate turned to follow the commander. “Don’t mind if I do.”

  The green alien wrapped his arm around Tate’s shoulders and gestured broadly toward the ship. “You’ll love this baby. She’s a full traveling precinct, and more. Got an extensive armory and a maximum-security jail. Plus a state-of-the-art hospital and enough food and water to last us years. The next time—”

  Tate stopped. “Amy, would you like to come with us? This is the kind of thing you’d probably like to see, am I right?”

  “Yessss! Thanks, Dad. I’d love to.” She turned to me. “And thank you, Scrub, for the best summer ever.”

  Her face was so excited, I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “You’re welcome. And I kind of think that I’m going by David now.”

  “Sounds good to me,” she said, and then she kissed me right in front of everyone.

  She stepped back and looked at me, her eyes shining. Tate might have been scowling at me, but I didn’t look, I didn’t even care. I exhaled, and it felt like the first time that I had really done so since the night of the mob. Everything was going to be okay—Grandma would be back in business, and Amy got to stay and learn about aliens firsthand.

  But as Amy smiled at me, I also felt a wave of sadness wash over me. Everything might be great…but I wouldn’t be here to enjoy any of it. I knew it was selfish to feel that way, but I couldn’t help it. I tried to push those feelings underneath and just be happy for them.

  Amy squeezed my hand one more time before she dropped it and followed her dad. “Bye, David!” she said over her shoulder, and then raced to join Tate. He was walking beside Commander Rezzlurr, who continued his orientation as they made their way to the ship. “Now, the most important part of your job will be spotting outlaw aliens. If anyone busts out of prison, they usually look to hole up on a primitive planet before we can get the transporters shut down. We need you to…” His voice trailed off as the trio disappeared into the humongous craft.

  There were only three of us left on the lawn. Mr. Harnox gave Grandma a hug. “Thanks to you for everything and all,” he said. “I am thinking to follow their steps.”

  “You are?” she said.

  “Yes. I recognize this spaceship. These police travel nearby to my planet. I will ask them to give me the hitchhike ride.”

  Grandma smiled, her eyes getting misty. “You get to go home,” she sai
d.

  Mr. Harnox nodded and returned her smile. “Thanks to you for welcoming me so much to your Earth. I travel oftentimes, and you are the most kind and generous creature I am meeting.”

  “Thank you, dear.”

  “Would you think it possible for me to return one day?”

  “That would be lovely.”

  They hugged again, and then Mr. Harnox shook my hand. “Good-bye, little man. Thanks to you, as well.”

  “Thanks for being so good to Grandma,” I said. “And for playing hoops with me.”

  Mr. Harnox grinned and put his hands over his head, like he was playing defense. I mimed dribbling a basketball and spun into him, flipping up that sweet little half-hook shot. “He shoots, he scores!” I cried. Mr. Harnox laughed and clapped his long gray hands together. “That move is going to help win me the starting point-guard spot this fall, I can feel it. Thanks again.” The tall gray alien held his hand out, and this time I wasn’t weirded out at all about shaking it. “Bye, Mr. Harnox.”

  “Good-bye.”

  He walked away and entered the spaceship. Grandma and I stayed out on the lawn, watching it.

  Grandma turned to me. “Are you okay, David?” I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to talk. Grandma searched my face. “What’s wrong?”

  I shrugged. “I just…I’m really going to miss this place, you know?”

  “We’ll miss you too, of course, but you’ll be back.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re coming back next summer, aren’t you?”

  “Would that be okay?” I said. “I mean, you’ve got two employees now. Are you…are you sure you want me?”

  Grandma put her hands on my shoulders. “What if there’s another emergency? I’ve never met anyone as resourceful as you. We need you here. I want you to visit whenever you feel like it.” She smiled. “In fact, even if you don’t feel like it, you’d still better come back. You hear?”

  A weight lifted off my chest. I gave her a hug. “Thanks, Grandma.”

  Grandma gazed up at the giant spaceship. But I looked back at the Intergalactic Bed and Breakfast. The house was a portal to spectacular destinations all across the universe.

  But of all the billions of places it led to, I had found the one I liked the most.

  EPILOGUE

  I sat in the airport terminal and slid my laptop out of my carry-on bag. There was a two-hour delay for my flight home, and I intended to enjoy every minute of the first Internet connection I had picked up in over two months.

  When I reached in my bag to pull out the battery pack, a white envelope dropped out. I opened it up and grabbed the note that was inside.

  Dearest David,

  I realize now that we never discussed the salary for your unique summer job. I took all of the alien currency from the drawer in your room, and I will give it to the trader the next time he comes by. Using his exchange rate, I have enclosed a check that I think comes close to the correct sum.

  I will miss you every day. Please send your old grandmother a letter every now and again. I will make sure to keep your bedroom ready for your return.

  Until then, may the celestial lights of the cosmos serve as a nightly reminder of all the new friendships that you have forged this summer.

  Intergalactically yours,

  Grandma

  I fished a cashier’s check out of the envelope and unfolded it. Then I almost dropped it on the ground. That was a lot of zeroes.

  When I finally finished imagining all of the things I could buy with my summer-job money, I folded up the check and stuffed it in the secret compartment in my wallet. Then I went back to the computer.

  I scrolled through my Favorites list—some sports message boards, a few comedy sites. But…they seemed kind of boring. I realized that I hadn’t missed them too much after all.

  So I went to my e-mail account. I deleted all of the junk and found one real e-mail.

  Hey there,

  Just got back into Tampa and I’m glad you’re coming home. It’ll be great to see you again. You’ll get into town a few days before your mom, and I think that’s a good thing. You and I have a lot to talk about, and I think it’s probably best if we do so privately, at least at first. Maybe we could drive over to Orlando and talk on the way. Or would you rather just shoot hoops in the backyard while we catch up? It’s up to you. Either way, it will be good to spend some time together.

  See you soon,

  Dad

  Yes, it would be good to see him. I have a feeling we won’t have trouble cutting through the small talk from here on out. I started a new e-mail message.

  Hey Tyler,

  You know what that bitter taste is in the back of your throat? No? Let me tell you. It’s the taste of DEFEAT. That’s right, because I’m the guy who won the Colossal Summer Challenge. Now you know what it feels like to

  I stopped typing as memories of that night in the woods came back to me. Now that everything was fixed at Grandma’s, I could focus on the good parts. It was one of the best moments of my life. Everything had been perfect. (Except for, you know, the escaping aliens.)

  I hit DELETE. That moment was for me and Amy alone. I started again.

  Hey Tyler,

  Flying today—be home late tonight. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. We should hang out. There’s still a couple of days left before school starts, right? And speaking of school, I think we should stop making fun of the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Club guys this year. Maybe they’re on to something with

  I hit DELETE again. Tyler was never going to change. I would just have to make my own decisions at school, and if he didn’t like them…well, I’m pretty sure I could make new friends.

  Hey Tyler,

  I didn’t get to play much ball this summer. But guess what? It doesn’t matter. I’m still taking that starting point-guard spot. You might have gone to all of the camps and tournaments, but Coach said he’s looking for leadership. I’m guessing you didn’t pick much of that up hanging out at the pool all summer, staring at Amanda Peterson and her friends. My advice? Next summer, get a job.

  See you on the court,

  David

  I smiled and hit SEND.

  ACKNOWLEGDMENTS

  Whenever I used to read the Acknowledgments section I would always think: Why does this author have such an incredibly long list of people to thank? Isn’t writing pretty much a solitary activity?

  Then I tried to write a book and get it published. So here is my incredibly long list of people I’d like to thank:

  My parents, for not making their overly imaginative little boy feel weird whenever they caught him talking to himself in his bedroom as he was making up stories. (And, you know, sort of acting them out and doing the hand gestures and whatever.)

  My first readers, Myra “(sniff ) I’m so proud of you, honey” Smith and Tyler “Ummm…what’s with all the Narnia stuff?” Robbins, for being with me since the first day of this crazy adventure.

  My daughters, Logan and Cameo, for all of the laughter and cuddles. And for occasionally staying out of my writing room. And also for barging into my writing room and jumping on my lap and totally interrupting me. I need that sometimes.

  My entire extended family for all of the support. My patron saints, Ginger and Carter; and babysitters extraordinaire Cindy and Joe, GG, and the Johnson clan (Brian, Cameo, Finnigan, Clayton, and Barrett).

  My friend Sam, a great librarian, for the book recommendations and good times.

  Award-winning author Terry Trueman, whose amazing writing skill is surpassed only by his generosity and kindness.

  My agent, George Nicholson, for the best piece of advice I’ve ever received. Also Erica Silverman, Marcy Posner, Ira Silverberg, Kelly Farber, and everyone at Sterling Lord Literistic.

  To Jacqueline Byrne and Leah Hoyer, the first people to show professional interest in my work. Your encouragement meant so much to me.

  Everyone at the MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults program at VCFA,
especially my advisors Uma Krishnaswami, Margaret Bechard, and Martine Leavitt; the folks in my first workshop; and my fellow Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines (thanks for the speed-editing at rez, Jessica, Linden, and Mima!).

  Amazing author Rita Williams-Garcia, who helped so much with this story during my first semester (and kept a straight face when I told her what I would be working on).

  My writing buddy, the fine children’s author Royce Buckingham, for talking shop over the lunch combo special at the House of Orient.

  Film agent Jody Hotchkiss, for excellent editorial advice and a ton of support, along with the whole team at Hotchkiss and Associates.

  Producers David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman, and Albert Page. For liking aliens.

  The great team at Disney-Hyperion Books for Children and Disney Publishing Worldwide, including Jeanne Mosure, Hallie Patterson, Jennifer Levine, Jennifer Crowell, and Tyler Nevins.

  My wonderful editor, Stephanie Owens Lurie. For everything. I feel like the cover of this book should read “By Clete Barrett Smith and Stephanie Owens Lurie.” (Does every writer feel that way? Or just the lucky ones?)

  Most important, I’d like to thank you. If you bought this book, or got it from the library, or borrowed it from a friend, or stole it from an enemy, or downloaded it, or rescued it from molding in someone’s garage—however you got your hands on it—I thank you. I’m thrilled to share my story with you.

  (Wait, I almost forgot. What is the opposite of thanking? Cursing? If so, then curse you, viral videos and online Scrabble. Curse you for wasting so many of my writing hours. Never again shall I let your charms lull me into a completely nonproductive trance. You know, starting tomorrow.)

  When the taxi pulled up to Grandma’s place, I opened my door before the driver had even come to a complete stop. “Whoa, buddy, take it easy,” he said. “You’ll get there on time—it’s not going anywhere.”

  Then he parked at the curb and got a good look at The Intergalactic Bed and Breakfast. His mouth dropped open, forming a circle that matched his wide eyes. I guess some people just aren’t used to seeing a huge Victorian-style house covered in a mural of swirling galaxies, with silver spaceship sculptures jut-ting up all over the front yard. Especially at the edge of a forested wilderness on the outskirts of a tiny Pacific Northwest town.