A South Texas Christmas

by Stella Bagwell

A wobbly smile quivered her lips and all Neil wanted to do was cover them with his own mouth and kiss her until nothing else mattered.

  “Of course, I’m glad. I just need time to absorb it all.” Her free hand lifted to his face and she traced a gentle pattern upon his cheek. “Thank you, Neil. You’ve changed my life. You realize that, don’t you?”

  Not nearly as much as she’d changed his, Neil thought. Before he’d met Raine, he’d never believed he had the ability to care about a woman this much, to care about anyone this much. He’d allowed the wounds of his childhood to heal into a callous scar, one that had hardened as the years went by, until he’d found himself just experiencing things on the surface. But she’d opened that scar and now he was feeling far more than he’d ever wanted to feel.

  “Well, I only wish I could have given you a live father, one that you could get to know and love. But at least you have family to tell you all about him.”

  She bit down on her bottom lip and glanced away from him. “Mother said he was an adulterer. Is that really true?”

  The idea that her father was less than all she’d imagined was obviously tearing at her. Neil tried to answer as kindly and truthfully as he could.

  “Back then Linc and I were just young kids, Raine. I didn’t know anything about his parents’ personal life. I never heard Linc speak of his father’s transgressions, but then he might not have known about them.”

  Nodding sadly, she glanced at him. “I guess I shouldn’t dwell on that, should I?”

  Smiling wanly, he slid a hand over her silky hair. “No. Just concentrate on the good.”

  Her gaze dropped to her lap. “So what now?”

  He wanted to close his eyes and shut out the beautiful sight of her. He wanted to close down his mind and forget the passionate way they’d made love, but he could do neither.

  “Uh, that’s why I came to your room. I wanted to tell you, away from your mother, that I’ll be leaving in the morning. It’s time I got back to New Mexico and see if I have a practice left.”

  Pain struck Raine deep and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. “I understand. You never planned to hang around here for very long. And now everything is…over.”

  Suddenly his fingers were beneath her chin, forcing her to lift her face. She blinked her eyes and thanked God that they were dry. At least she could hold on to a bit of her pride.

  “For what it’s worth, Raine, I’m not really happy about it. I’ve come to care about you and I’m going to miss you.”

  Care, but not love, Raine thought dully. “I’m going to miss you, too. But it’s better this way.” She tried to smile, but the muscles in her face refused to work. “You don’t want a wife or a family. And now, after everything I’ve learned, I’m not sure I want to have a relationship with any man.”

  He frowned. “Don’t turn into someone like me, Raine. You have too much to give to a husband and children.”

  Not without you, she wanted to cry. “Maybe we can write to each other and—still be friends.”

  Friends? How could they ever be friends, he wondered wildly, when all he wanted was to throw her across the bed and make love to her. Apparently this whole thing between them had been one-sided and he’d been on the losing side.

  “Yeah. Friends. That’s for the best.”

  She nodded and Neil forced himself to ease off the bed and walk out of the room.

  Two weeks later, Raine was sitting in her office in the Saddler house, gazing sadly out the window as she recalled the morning Neil had driven away from the Sandbur. The skies had been clear and beautiful that morning, but she’d hardly seen them through her tears.

  For the first time in her life that morning, she’d thought of pretending to sleep through the jingle of her alarm clock in hopes that he would go without saying goodbye. But Raine had never been a coward and she’d realized that if she ever had any hopes of going on with her life, she had to face the fact that Neil was walking away from her. So she’d shared a small breakfast with him, then strolled to his car and allowed him to kiss her one last time.

  Throughout the past days Raine had hardly been able to think of anything but Neil. Even the wondrous fact that she now belonged to a large family was not enough to outshine the despair she felt over losing the only man she could ever love.

  Love. The word made her ponder and a deep frown furrowed her forehead. She’d been terribly afraid to say the word to Neil. She’d sensed that he had not wanted to hear anything that equaled ties or commitments. Yet these past days she continued to wonder if it would have made a difference if she’d revealed her feelings to him.

  The word love was something that had hardly been spoken to her throughout the years. Darla had never been a sugary person and Raine had come to accept that her mother’s actions spoke her feelings. She supposed she’d been hoping that Neil would consider the time she’d spent in his arms as a conveyance of her love. But if he had, it had made little difference in the end.

  The door of the office suddenly swung open and Darla walked in carrying a small tray loaded with snacks, an urn of coffee and two cups. Since the secret of her past life had been revealed, Raine could safely say her mother was quickly emerging into a different woman than the one she’d known all these years. She was more relaxed and smiles came easier to her. She’d been making an effort to spend more time with Raine in hopes they could mend all their differences. Lunch together had become a habit for them.

  “Ready for a little grub?” Darla asked as she placed the tray on the corner of Raine’s desk.

  Quickly dashing at the tears on her cheeks, Raine jumped up and hurried over to turn down the stereo. “Grub?” she repeated with a forced smile. “I never heard you call it that before.”

  Darla laughed. “That’s ranch lingo for food,” she teased. “That’s what your father used to call it. He’d say, ‘Give me some grub in my saddlebags and a horse under my seat and I’m a happy man.’” Her smile rapidly faded into wistful acceptance. “Strange, how much I still miss him.”

  Even though the tears on Raine’s face were gone, her heart was still crying. She hoped her mother couldn’t see.

  “If you love someone and they go away, you never stop missing them,” Raine said.

  Darla sighed as she picked up the urn and filled two mugs. “You’re right, honey. And I guess for all these years I tried to pretend that I was someone else. I told myself that I’d always hated Randolf and our home on the T Bar K so that I wouldn’t hurt. But all the pretense couldn’t take away the truth.”

  She passed Raine one of the mugs and offered her a paper plate. With a shake of her head, Raine said, “I’m not hungry. You go ahead. I’ll just have the coffee.”

  With thoughtful concern, Darla watched her daughter sink onto the leather couch and cross her legs.

  “You’re getting too thin, Raine. You need to eat.”

  “I can’t. It lodges somewhere between my throat and my stomach.”

  “Maybe you should let Nicolette take a look at you. She can prescribe something for you to take.”

  Raine stared out the window and watched the squirrels play. The same way they were playing when Neil had suggested she lock the door and make love to him. Oh God help her, she prayed.

  “Medicine won’t help. I’ve already tried.”

  Darla began to place several finger sandwiches onto a plate. “And why do you think that is?” she asked gently.

  When Raine didn’t answer, she looked around to see her daughter’s head was bent, her shoulders shaking.

  “Oh, Raine. Raine.”

  Her mother’s arms came around her and Raine let her head fall against her shoulder.

  “Don’t mind me, Mother. I’m just being—a little emotional.”

  Darla gently patted her back. “It’s been obvious to me and everyone else on the ranch that you’ve been brooding about something. We’ve all been very worried about you, honey. Is it me? Has this whole issue of being a Ketchum gotten you down?”r />
  Raine lifted her head and looked at her mother with surprise. “Oh, no! I couldn’t be happier that you’re being open with me and that I have a family now.”

  “You certainly don’t look happy.” She worriedly studied Raine’s tearful face. “It’s Neil, isn’t it? You miss him.”

  There was such a lump of hot pain in Raine’s throat all she managed was a woeful nod. “Terribly.”

  Once she’d gotten the husky word out, Darla asked, “Have you heard from him?”

  “No. I haven’t tried to contact him, either. I decided it wouldn’t help matters. All I can do now is try to forget him.”

  “Why?”

  The simple question caused Raine to wail with frustration and jump from the couch. “Mother, you were right all along.”

  “Which time?”

  The fact that her mother could make a joke now, or anytime, amazed Raine. She tried her best to smile.

  “All the times you warned me about men. I should have listened.”

  “And why do you say that?” Darla asked.

  Raine shrugged, then turned and walked over to the window. As she stared unseeingly at the blooming roses, she said, “You have to ask? My father was an adulterer and the man who would have become my stepfather was so unscrupulous he nearly got you killed. If that doesn’t make them bastards, then I don’t know what does!”

  “Raine! Please don’t talk that way. Don’t even think it!” Darla left the couch and hurried over to her daughter. “Honey, I understand where your bitterness is coming from. But it’s wrong. I was wrong! I chose the wrong men in my life and I made bad choices trying to fix my mistakes. While I was raising you, I let all of that color my judgment. And that’s the worst mistake I could have made. All men aren’t bastards. Neil is a good man. Even I could see that. And if you love him, as I think you love him, then you need to let him know you don’t intend to give him up.”

  Raine looked at her in wonder. “Do you really mean that, Mother?”

  Smiling, she cradled Raine’s face in her hands. “I want you to be happy, Raine. I don’t want you to lose years of your life being bitter and calloused. Now get on the phone and call the airport. I’ll drive you up to catch the plane.”

  “But you never leave the ranch!”

  Darla shook her head with more regret. “I was always afraid to. Afraid those henchmen might somehow spot me. God, all that fear I had was so wasteful. No one from the past would recognize me now. I’ve turned into an old, ugly woman.”

  Raine shook her head, then leaned forward and pressed her cheek against her mother’s. “No,” she whispered through her tears. “You’ll never be that to me.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  One. Two. Three. The darts swooshed through the air and stabbed the heart of the target hanging on a wall in Neil’s office.

  Throwing darts was something he’d done since his early childhood. The first set Neil had ever owned had been given to him by his father, a gift he’d had to keep hidden from his mother, who considered it far too dangerous for an eleven-year-old boy. Down through the years, he’d mastered the sport and only a few months ago had won a dart tournament at Indian Wells, a favorite tavern on the outskirts of Aztec. He’d taken on slews of competitors and slaughtered them all with ease.

  Yeah, he was good at darts and he was a decent lawyer, but he was a failure with women, particularly one woman with honey-brown hair and Ketchum green eyes. Walking away from her had been more painful than anything he’d ever had to do and now after two weeks and two days, Neil was still wondering when the numbness was going to go away. Was he ever going to be the man he used to be?

  He was pulling the darts from the board and mulling over the hopeless question when the door between his office and Connie’s opened. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw his secretary stepping into the room. A coat was slung over one arm and her handbag hung from one shoulder. She was obviously leaving for the day and he hadn’t even realized it was time for the office to close.

  “What are you doing? Practicing up for another tournament?” she asked, eyeing the darts in his hand. “I thought you’d be ready to lock up. It’s nearly six. Haven’t you noticed it dark outside?”

  Two wide windows dressed the back wall of his office, but he’d not bothered to open the drapes covering the expanse of glass. It didn’t matter if the sun was shining or not. He always felt in the dark.

  “Sorry, Connie. The time got by me. Just give me a minute to pack up a few briefs and I’ll follow you out.”

  He walked over to his desk and began to stuff several legal papers into an accordion folder. Connie moved deeper into the room and watched him with a thoughtful eye.

  “We were very busy today,” she said. “In fact, ever since you came back from Texas, we’ve been overrun with business. Guess that’s making you happy.”

  “Yeah. I like keeping busy.”

  “The title company called this afternoon about the Coley abstract. They want to close on it soon. When do you think you’ll have it read?”

  “Tomorrow or the next day. I don’t know what in hell they’re pushing me for when we all know they’re the ones dragging their feet, waiting until the last minute to contact me. If they mess with me, I’ll throw the thing in their lap and let them find another lawyer.”

  Connie didn’t make any sort of reply to that and her silence was so unusual, he paused in his task to look up at her.

  “What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like I’ve turned into the devil incarnate? You know I’m right on this one. The title company wants me to hurry and make up for their lost time.”

  “Of course you’re right, Neil. But it never used to make you angry. Come to think of it, I can’t recall much of anything that made you angry. Now your blood stays at the boiling point.”

  Neil dropped the heavy folder back on his desk and stared impatiently at his secretary. “Do you have to start in on me tonight?”

  She let out a laugh of disbelief. “Oh, so now you realize it’s nighttime and I’ve already worked an hour overtime for you.” Stepping forward, she looked at him with open disappointment. “I’m sorry, Neil, but I’m beginning to think I’d better start looking for another job. You’re not the same and, frankly, I don’t like this new Neil Rankin. He’s an unfeeling bastard.”

  Neil opened his mouth to shout at her, but the realization that she was right struck him before he could make a bigger fool of himself and he shook his head with remorse.

  “I’m sorry, Connie. I really am. Forgive me.”

  The older woman walked over to him and laid a hand upon his arm. “I don’t know what happened with you and Linc’s sister down in Texas, but it’s ruining you.”

  His face went void as he reached down and tied the folder shut. “I don’t want to talk about it, Connie.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because talking won’t help.”

  “Maybe you need to do more than talk. Maybe you need to head back to Texas and see what you can do to make things right with her.”

  Disbelief swept over his face. “Make things right? Nothing is wrong, Connie. I want my freedom and so does she. We went our separate ways, just the way we wanted.”

  “I’ve never heard such a stack of manure in my life. You’re miserable.”

  He was miserable all right, Neil thought. Every waking moment he was thinking about Raine. His sleep was filled with tormenting dreams of her. “I’ll get over it, Connie. You know me, I’ve gotten attached to women in the past. This time it’s just taking a little longer to get over the affliction.”

  Connie rolled her eyes. “Keep talking and we’ll be up to our eyeballs in manure. And don’t tell me this was just an attachment. You obviously love the woman. If you didn’t, you’d already be back to your sunny self.”

  Stepping around her, he snatched up his darts and began to sling them viciously at the board on the wall. “Since when did you become an expert?”

  She jammed her hands on her hips.
“I’ve been married for thirty years. I ought to know a little about the subject.”

  Thirty years. Even that wouldn’t be enough time to spend with Raine, he thought. The silent admission caused his shoulders to slump and he turned a miserable look on his secretary.

  “I’ve never wanted to love anybody, Connie. I never thought I’d ever want a woman for more than a weekend or two.” He speared a weary hand through his hair, making the gold-brown locks stand on end. “Marriage isn’t for me. It makes people act crazy.”

  “And you’re not acting crazy now?” With an understanding smile, she patted his arm. “Go home and pack your bags, Neil. I have plenty of excuses to give to the title company, mainly that you’ve gone to spend Christmas with your family.”

  Connie didn’t wait to hear his response. She waved goodbye and quickly left the office, leaving Neil behind to stew on her advice.

  Connie was right, he thought. He wanted to spend this Christmas with Raine and every Christmas to come with her and the family they hopefully might have. Raine had said she didn’t want a relationship with any man. But he wasn’t just any man. He was the man who loved her.

  Neil’s home was north of town, nestled in high desert hills covered with juniper and pinon pine. Normally the drive took about twenty minutes, but tonight his truck needed gas and he stopped at the last station on his way to fill up the tank.

  Since this morning, the weather had taken a nosedive and the whipping north wind held bits of sleet and snow. As he hunched between his truck and the gas pump, his thoughts turned to south Texas and the Sandbur. Winter flowers would still be blooming there; the nights mild. He supposed that if he’d stayed a few more days he would have become acclimatized to the warmth and a few other things, like loving a woman and planning a lifetime with her. Instead he’d run like a scared cat from the swat of a broom. It had been easier than staying and trying to tell her that he loved her.

  He was five minutes away from home when he spotted the headlights behind him. Since he lived on a private dirt road with no neighbors, the vehicle was obviously coming to his place. He could only hope it wasn’t someone who needed legal advice tonight. Now that he’d decided to fly to San Antonio, he didn’t have time for work. He had to pack and plan and figure out how to persuade Raine to marry him.