You're the One That I Want

by Giovanna Fletcher

  His call had woken me up. I hadn’t been sleeping well for obvious reasons, but had somehow crashed out on my bed early evening without meaning to when I was trying to get some work done. The sound of my phone ringing roused me with a shock, making me disorientated.

  ‘What?’ I croaked, unable to hide my irritation.

  ‘Ben! I’ve just spoken to him.’

  ‘Oh really?’ I asked, as I reached for the glass of water from my bedside table, trying to stop my head feeling so groggy.

  ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yeah, I was asleep.’

  ‘It’s only nine o’clock!’

  ‘Really? Blimey.’

  ‘So, like I was saying – I found Ben,’ Robert continued. ‘Turns out he wasn’t busy with work like we thought, or joined a religious cult like I feared.’

  ‘Thank God for that,’ I laughed dryly.

  ‘He’s started seeing someone!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah, I know! What a dark horse. He goes missing for a couple of weeks and then comes back with a girlfriend. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you about it.’

  I thought back to that morning, he had seemed happier and lighter – I’d commented on it, he’d said it was the sunshine, but it was actually because he had a girlfriend. Surely, I thought, after everything we’d been through, he’d have told me about something like that. Especially before mentioning it to Robert! I knew there was no way Ben wouldn’t have known the impact it would have on me. I wondered, momentarily, whether it was Ben’s way of getting back at me – showing me that he was fine, or highlighting the fact that he had options, lots more than I did. Even as I thought it, I doubted Ben would be so manipulative or calculating. It wasn’t in his nature.

  ‘We haven’t really seen each other,’ I lied. ‘We’ve been busy.’

  ‘Oh, right. I said to him about us going out when I’m next over at yours.’

  ‘Yeah …’ My mind was elsewhere, not paying much attention to what Robert was harping on about.

  ‘I’ll feel better once I see him,’ he said meaningfully, alluding to how concerned he’d been about not being able to get hold of him. I hadn’t spoken to Rob a lot in those two weeks, not wanting to rush into too much too soon, but every time we spoke he’d mentioned how worried he was about Ben. I knew he felt it wasn’t just me he’d let down – that he had to clear things up with him too. ‘Besides,’ he said with a gentle laugh, ‘I want to meet this girl he’s left us for!’

  ‘Already? He’s only just started seeing her. Plus, I’ve got so much stuff on …’ I said, trying to keep the panic from my voice. I did not want to go out with Ben and some girl he had just started dating. It was the worst idea I’d ever heard. I frantically tried to think of how to get out of it in a way that wouldn’t make Robert suspicious, but nothing sprang to mind.

  ‘Come on, we can double date like old times.’

  ‘Do you really think he likes her that much? Knowing Ben he’ll have changed his mind within a week.’ I added a rather feeble laugh to try and make light of the subject and to dismiss the idea entirely. It didn’t work.

  ‘I don’t think so. He seems really keen on Alice.’

  ‘Alice?’ I questioned, remembering her name from an email Ben had sent. Alice was Roger’s housemate, the girl he’d slept with the night after being with me.

  I couldn’t quite get my head around that. From what Ben had said, he’d slept with her because he thought I was back with Robert, or because he was stupidly drunk. Whatever the reason, if Robert was right, the girl he’d vented those frustrations with had somehow become his girlfriend. I wondered how that had come about, what had urged Ben to turn a one-night stand into more.

  It saddened me that he hadn’t had the guts to tell me himself, that he felt it was okay for me to hear the information second-hand from Robert instead – that he had such disregard for me and my feelings.

  It took every ounce of self-control to stop myself from calling Ben as soon as I got off the phone to Robert – which I did so in a grumpy and flippant manner, in the fastest way possible. A part of me wanted Ben to know how much his indifference was hurting me, but then, what right did I have to be to hurt or angry at him? As far as he was concerned I’d made my choice, he was free to do as he wished. It dawned on me that all I really wanted was to know that he cared about me still, and that I wasn’t so easily replaced. I couldn’t help but feel I’d been pushed aside. I needed to know that I hadn’t acted so appallingly and been unfaithful for something meaningless. I didn’t want it to be a drunken fumble to be ashamed of. My needs were selfish, but it irritated me that he wasn’t willing to fulfil them.

  I was also, for the first time in my life, experiencing jealousy. I was jealous of Alice even though I’d never met her. I was envious of whatever qualities she had that had led to Ben moving on so swiftly after declaring his love to me. I also resented the fact that she would be able to have Ben adore her in such a carefree manner, when I knew I couldn’t.

  By that point I hadn’t spoken to Pearl like I’d planned, I’d let it all fester inside me instead, and avoided the girls as much as I could. On hearing that Ben was seeing Alice, that he was developing actual feelings for her, I decided I needed to talk to someone. I tiptoed across the landing to her room and knocked on her bedroom door.

  ‘Pearl?’ I whispered.

  ‘All right, darling,’ she growled. ‘Come in.’

  She was at her desk in her pyjamas, with books and loose pieces of crumpled paper covered in handwritten notes surrounding her. Her hair was gathered in a crazy pineapple at the top of her head – her favourite way of keeping it out of her face while she worked.

  ‘Revising?’

  ‘Doing what I can, but I fear it’s a case of too little too late,’ she said, swivelling in her chair and turning to face me.

  I must have looked as troubled as I felt – as soon as she saw my face her own curled downwards in a frown.

  ‘Dude! What’s up?’ she asked, as she stood up, took me by the arm, and led me to her bed to sit down.

  ‘I don’t even know where to start, Pearl,’ I said, crossing my legs and picking up one of her pillows to hug, burying my face in it.

  ‘Tell me. Is it all this stuff with Robert?’

  ‘Yes and no,’ I said, looking up at her.

  ‘Go on …’

  ‘I kissed Ben.’

  Unshockable Pearl’s jaw dropped. ‘What? When?’

  It’s one thing admitting to yourself that you’ve done something wrong, it’s another when you’ve got to tell someone else how much of a plonker you’ve been. Pearl stayed uncharacteristically quiet as I told her everything. From Ben and me getting drunk, kissing, having a fumble, him sleeping with someone else, him saying to forget it ever happened, to having to go on a double date with him, Alice and Robert.

  ‘Hold on a minute. Rewind. You didn’t sleep with him?’ she said, holding her hand out and stopping me.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You just cuddled?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

  ‘Not quite, but in the end, yes.’

  ‘Jeez, what are you even worrying for?’ she sighed.

  ‘It was more than that, Pearl. Cheating is cheating, whether it’s a kiss or mind-blowing sex.’

  ‘It’s really not. It’s totally different,’ she argued, shaking her head dismissively.

  ‘Is it, though?’

  ‘Yes! Do you want me to go into detail to prove it? Remind you exactly what you could’ve done had you not stopped?’

  ‘No, thanks,’ I squirmed, knowing Pearl would go into a graphic description that would make even porn stars blush.

  ‘Shame,’ she sighed comically.

  ‘It’s not only that, though, I feel like I’ve fallen for him. That’s got to be way worse than sleeping with someone.’

  Pearl looked at me with confusion as her face crinkled up in bewilderment.

  ‘Mad, your boyfriend did a really shitty thing. In response,
you got rat-faced and kissed someone. That’s all it needs to be. Don’t go turning it into something else, especially if that person’s now gone off and started screwing this other bird.’

  ‘He said he loved me.’

  It was almost the same thing I’d said to Ben, the same argument that stopped me from being able to get past the whole thing and accept that being together wasn’t even a possibility.

  Pearl looked at me and sighed. ‘And then he did something even shittier than your boyfriend did in the first place.’

  I’d never thought of it like that. It seemed ridiculous to me that, even after he’d slept with Alice, I was the one running around after him, emailing him with heartfelt words (and crazy ones), placing myself somewhere that I knew he’d turn up. I couldn’t explain what had led me to do those things, or say what I was hoping to gain.

  ‘I think you’ve freaked yourself out,’ Pearl continued, standing up and pacing around the room, nodding her head as though she was agreeing with her own words. ‘You’ve acted in a way that’s completely out of character – Maddy, you’re the most loyal person I know. You’ve shocked yourself and now you’re trying to give it a greater meaning to justify your behaviour. Babe, you did wrong, but that one action doesn’t define who you are.’ She grabbed my hand in hers and patted it sympathetically.

  ‘I just don’t know what to do,’ I said feebly.

  ‘What to do about what exactly? It looks to me as though Ben is no longer an option,’ she said matter-of-factly, perching herself back on the bed. ‘You need to get him out of your mind, pronto.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Do you still love Robert?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think I might,’ I shrugged.

  Robert’s cheating was something I’d found difficult to think about. It wasn’t that Ben filled my head and pushed aside all thoughts of Robert’s wrongdoings, more that it upset me too much to think about what he’d done. He’d hurt me far more because he’d risked the years we’d been together and made me question our whole relationship. Yet, I still loved him – and that’s what left me irritated, annoyed and confused.

  ‘Are you willing to try and work things out?’

  Without much gusto, I nodded in reply.

  ‘Maddy, a couple of weeks ago you two had your whole lives planned out together – take a leaf out of Ben’s book. Pretend nothing has changed.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can do that.’

  Pearl raised her eyebrows at me.

  ‘Seriously? This is all over one night. Get a grip.’

  I knew Pearl was going to offer blunt advice, she was always to the point in every situation with the inability to filter what she thought – and that was why I went to her over Flo or Jennifer. The whole situation had already become over-romanticized in my head, I needed someone to knock a bit of sense into me. She was right, I had to stop thinking of Ben in that way; if he was moving forward, I had to too.

  I couldn’t explain what had made me focus so much on Ben at that point and not on saving my relationship with Robert. It was like my brain had been taken over by some alien being. I knew, like Pearl said, I needed to get my head out of the clouds and focus on what I did have. I needed to work on things with Robert and see if what we had was salvageable.

  I had to forget about Ben … but if only doing were as easy as saying when it came to matters of the heart.

  The double date had been arranged for the following weekend. Needless to say I had no part in the planning – I left Robert and Ben to do that, it was enough for me to just turn up on the night. It was happening, it was inevitable, I just had to get on with it.

  Me being there was a classic case of ‘curiosity killed the cat’. After all, I could have made a last-minute excuse, but the truth was I needed to meet Alice. I wanted to know everything about her, what she looked like, what her voice sounded like, how she laughed, where she’d grown up, what her likes and dislikes were, what her taste in music was like … morbid curiosity meant I needed to know what Ben saw in her. Perhaps to understand, or perhaps just to see how I measured up in comparison.

  The boys had decided to go bowling. Robert and I were the first to arrive, which meant we were there when Ben and Alice came through the door hand in hand and giggling their heads off. To say I felt nauseous would be an understatement.

  I’d built up images of Alice in my head – I expected her to be tall, dark and model-like, but it was worse than that. She was extremely petite, around five foot two with a beautifully dainty frame. Her long blonde hair fell in waves around her shoulders and her hazel eyes had the most dazzling flecks of green in them. She was naturally beautiful. The kind of girl you knew would roll out of bed in the mornings and look amazing. She wore a floaty yellow dress which came down past her knees, its thin straps exposing her delicate shoulders and collarbone. Even in those first few seconds I knew there was something endearing about her, she radiated warmth.

  ‘Here he is!’ shouted Robert as he grabbed hold of Ben and gave him a manly hug and a bit of a wrestle, leaving me to smile in Alice’s direction awkwardly, dubious as to how to greet her.

  ‘Hi! I’m Alice!’ she giggled coming towards me for a hug. ‘You must be Maddy?’

  ‘Yep. Don’t worry, I won’t be doing that to you,’ I smiled.

  ‘Gosh, thank goodness,’ she laughed. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’

  I wondered what Ben had been telling her, causing my mind to falter momentarily.

  ‘Sorry, got a bit carried away. I’m Robert,’ said Robert breathlessly, breaking away from Ben and giving Alice a kiss on the cheek.

  Ben didn’t really look at me before walking in my direction and giving me a klutzy hug. It was brief and as soon as it was done he turned to the others with a smile.

  ‘Let’s do this!’ he laughed as he grabbed hold of Robert and they galloped over to the counter like overexcited kids.

  ‘Here goes,’ I said, following them, feeling deflated that things were still on edge with Ben and me. But what had I expected? It wasn’t as if we were seriously going to bounce back into being normal with each other after what we’d done, especially not with Robert around.

  ‘Are we allowed to use the bumpers?’ asked Alice next to me, pulling me from my thoughts.

  ‘Oh … the boys don’t usually let me, they tell me it’s cheating.’

  When we were younger the three of us had gone bowling and they’d allowed me to have the bumpers up, as it was my first time. Miraculously I’d won even though my ball had rebounded off the side each time I bowled, occasionally even a few times in one throw, creating a pretty zigzag pattern as they made their way down to the pins. The boys were understandably livid and told me I’d won unfairly. I might have been their best friend, but they were still competitive, especially Robert who sulked the whole way home. From that point onwards I was never allowed to use the bumpers again.

  ‘Really? But I’m rubbish!’ moaned Alice.

  ‘Same here.’

  Even though I’d been forced to play without the aid of bumpers over the years I was still terrible at the game. My problem was that I didn’t have the patience for it. I was a just-throw-it-and-see-how-it-goes girl. I couldn’t be bothered with the whole lining it up and getting your elbow in the right position malarkey.

  ‘We’re having the bumpers up, right?’ said Alice sweetly as we joined the boys in the line for our shoes. It was more of a leading question than anything else.

  Both boys looked at her with their mouths open, unsure of how to say no nicely – they were both aware that they were meant to be making a good impression on her.

  ‘Erm …’ started Ben. ‘Oh, we didn’t book a lane with them, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Yeah, and usually you have to ask,’ Robert answered, with an apologetic shrug.

  ‘No, it’s okay! They have those electric ones now … we just press the button on our control th
ingy and they pop out,’ she smiled. ‘I know how to do it too, so you don’t need to worry about a thing. I’ll do it.’

  Ben and Robert just stared at her. I couldn’t help but laugh. She knew the boys were trying to fob her off, and that they’d be too polite to argue with her. She turned to me and raised her eyebrows, trying not to laugh as she changed the subject. ‘Are you going for laced or buckled shoes, Maddy?’

  The boys needn’t have worried, as even with the bumpers up, Alice and I were as crap as each other. We were lucky to get a couple of pins down each time. Clearly my win all those years ago had been more to do with beginner’s luck than actual talent, and Alice couldn’t help but laugh every time she took her turn, clearly feeling embarrassed by the whole thing. She’d go up full of gusto, line up her shot, and then keel over in a fit of giggles before she’d had the chance to throw it. Her giggle was infectious, though, and we couldn’t help but laugh along with her.

  Alice and Ben weren’t as touchy-feely with each other as I’d feared they were going to be. They may have sat next to each other on the sofas throughout the game and looked deeply smitten, but they weren’t there snogging each other’s faces off, which was a big relief. In contrast, Robert and I were still distant from each other, or rather, I was avoiding having any sort of PDA with him with the aid of the whopping big barrier that I’d erected and had been unable, so far, to knock down. So, despite how hard he was trying to make things seem normal, they weren’t.

  At the end of the first game, which our sporting hero Robert obviously won, we stopped for some food. Burgers, fries and milkshakes were brought over to us at the lane, which we greedily devoured while sat on the comfy red leather sofas.

  ‘I’ve seen you around campus before, actually,’ said Alice to me as she popped a chip into her mouth.

  ‘Oh, really?’

  ‘Didn’t Ben tell you? I thought you were his girlfriend,’ she giggled.

  ‘Something you two want to tell me?’ Robert jokingly accused, nudging me with his elbow and raising his eyebrows at Ben.

  I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, completely unsure what to say. So I just gormlessly looked from Alice to Robert.