Marked

by Charisse Spiers

  She stands silent for a moment. I place her muffs back over her ears and then quickly do the same with mine. The shot fires once and she places the gun back down. I look at the target closely to see where she shot: between the eyes, dead center. She turns around, a tear stain present on both cheeks. "A mind like that needs to be destroyed. I get it now, Kaston. I want you to promise me you'll never change who you are inside, because you really are a rare find."

  I kiss her lips, slightly puckered still. "So are you. Let's go home. I have a DVD collection that needs some attention."

  It's been a little over a week since I left Mom's side on that table. It's been an adjustment even though we weren't close. I guess when you're so used to being someone's crutch the freedom is a little frightening. As strange as it sounds, I miss her. I wish I didn't, but I do. No matter what she's done to me she's still my mother; someone I lived with my entire childhood. She always has been and always will be, no matter how good or bad she was at the part. At least I've never felt like an orphan before now.

  I've been back to work now for a few days. It's not as exciting as it once was, but it's good to be back to some form of normalcy. Maybe I should look into a different career. I don't know. I just feel like I'm wasting my life away if I spend it being a server forever. Surely my life is worth more than this. Since I met Kaston and now that Mom has died, it's making me want to do more with myself. I don’t want to wither away like my mother. She could have been so much more than she allowed herself to be. I'm just not sure what.

  "You ready to do this?"

  I look over at Kaston, sitting in the driver's side looking at me. He looks handsome like that, dressed out in a white button-down and a pair of khakis. If it didn't make me feel so crazy I'd take a photo. It wouldn't really matter, though, because I already feel crazy enough. I'm overwhelmed with emotions I thought I'd never feel. I really didn't think I would remember this place, but I do more so than I'd like. "I guess I have no choice. It's time to lay her to rest."

  He gets out and rounds the truck, before opening my door and helping me out. "You look beautiful, but aren't we dressed in the wrong color to be doing this? I thought black was more of a death color..."

  "Not when death sets someone free.... Think of a dove. She's been fighting a losing battle since I was a kid. Drugs had a grip on her that I'll never understand. They made her lie, connive, steal, and whore herself out for nothing. Chasing that high made her forget her morals, her values, and her responsibilities. It made her a horrible mom. As much as I will miss her because she was my mother, this is what broke the chains. Death is what brought her peace and turned her soul free, so white just seemed appropriate."

  "Fair enough..."

  As my feet hit the pavement, I remove my flip-flops and toss them in the truck, before grabbing the canister and letting him shut the door. He pulls me against him and kisses me. "People are going to think we're getting married on the beach with you wearing that white dress. I'm not going to lie since I'm getting a taste, but you'd make a beautiful bride."

  He traces his finger down the braided rope that is tied behind my neck and runs over my chest, before it meets in the middle at the center of the fabric. It's the only thing keeping this dress from being a strapless. The dress is only fitted around the bust and then flows out to my ankles. I had my hair done in a low, messy side-bun with a braid that runs along my hairline toward the back. "This is the softest I've ever seen you. I like it. That's putting it mildly, when really you look stunning. I can't take my eyes off of you."

  People probably wouldn't understand my need to look like this when doing what I'm about to do, but then those same people probably had a happy childhood full of Barbies and sunshine. I wasn't one of those people. This place is the happiest memory I have with my mother, so this is where I'm going to lay her to rest, and I sure as hell am not going to do it dressed in black; a depressing color. "She deserves to go out in style. She deserves to be forgiven before she goes. Today, I'm letting it all go."

  I start to walk toward the boardwalk, heading for the beach. "Wait," he says, before removing his flip-flops to match me and throws them in the passenger side. He runs toward me and grabs my hand, lacing it in mine.

  I look down at the two connected, the very intimate act he's creating for the public to see. He's showing the world that I'm his. The line between what I thought I wanted and what I really want is becoming blurred. He's pushing me in the direction he wants me to go, and I can't deny that I like it, even though it's nowhere close to being slow.

  My eyes search for his. He's already looking at me when they find them. "I'm by your side the entire time. If you fall I will catch you. You don't always have to be strong, Lux. I'm your best friend. If you can't break with me, then you can't with anyone."

  I instantly relax into him. He knows when to push me, and when to step back. That's one thing I've found that I love about him. He's the perfect balance. He's the best shade. He's exactly right...for me.

  I tighten my hand around his, responding without words, and then walk forward, toward the drop to the sand. We descend the wooden steps, and then step into the white sand, letting the granules squish between our toes. It's hot to the touch, the result of a hot southern summer. My pace quickens when I take in the surroundings. I haven’t been here since that day. I always avoided it when older so that the memory was more alive, and not replaced by new ones. We pass small mounds of sand and tall grass, blowing back and forth when the breeze breaks through.

  The texture of the sand changes as we reach the shoreline. The separate dry granules become wet, more of a solid form, ready to make an impression upon stepping in it. I look out at the water, letting the image imprint into my mind. Kaston moves behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling my body against his. It comforts me, something I've never had until him. I've always pretty much been on my own, but with him I don't have to be.

  "Go ahead, baby. I got you."

  "I believe you."

  I take a deep breath, preparing for what I have to say. It's time to let go...

  I clear my throat, holding the canister out in front of me. "Hey, Mom. I know you're listening in spirit. You know I was never good at this sort of thing, so I'm probably going to suck at it. I guess I'm like you in that way. Anyway, I know I was an ass to you, probably more than I should have been. I feel like shit about that now, but I guess we both did things to each other that were so far past okay it's almost unbelievable. No matter what I've ever said, I want you to know that I loved you, and I still do, regardless of what you've done to me. You'll always be my mother."

  I turn back to glance at Kaston, feeling slightly awkward about doing this in front of him. He gives me a small smile, pushing me forward. I look back at the water, trying my best to pretend he's not here. I hate feeling like an open book. I prefer to keep parts of myself for only me, but he's really good at changing my mind. "Okay, so I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you. I'm letting go every bad memory, every grudge I've been holding, and from this day forward I'll try to only remember you for the few good times. For what it's worth I wish you would have found a way to let it go, because watching the drugs and alcohol control your life was far harder than the things I had to endure hoping it would help you escape them."

  I take a deep breath, trying to hold the tears back. As much as they're trying to break through, I'm fighting them, because I want this to be a good day; that and I feel like I’ve cried enough to last a lifetime. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to the emotionally numb person that I was before Kaston started breaking down my walls. I haven't felt things in so long. This is how I'm letting go... "I remember my seventh birthday like it was yesterday. You came home in a good mood because you had made a little money selling a few things. You brought me home a new dress and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday."

  I laugh aloud, thinking back on it.

  "It seems silly now, but I remember telling you I wanted to be a p
rincess for a night. I wanted to dance beneath the pretty lights with a prince just like Cinderella did. You looked at me funny at first, as if you were stumped. You didn't think I noticed but I did. I started to change my request to something else, but then you lit up and said if that was what I wanted for my birthday then that was what I was going to get. After all, we did already have a new dress for the occasion..."

  Oh fuck it. I'm going to let myself cry.

  "My birthday rolled around that Friday. I had half forgotten about it, because I figured you would have been back your old self by that point, considering several days had passed, but I was wrong. You took me to Ella's place at The Watering Hole, after helping me put on my new dress and even a little makeup for the event. When we walked in the whole place was empty, with only a few people that we knew. I’m actually surprised that Ella closed down on one of the busiest nights for a few hours just for me. She had the lights dimmed with the party lights turned on. Ella's gift couldn't have been more perfect. I got my own pair of glass slippers, custom made blue frosted plastic with Cinderella on the top, most likely from Wal-Mart, but to me they were perfect."

  It's getting hard to breathe, but I can't stop. I need her to know that I remember.

  "You had even gotten me a cake. It was sitting at the bar. Most kids wouldn't have been anywhere close to a bar at the age of seven, but I still give you an A for effort. It was round and baby blue. I'm pretty sure it was your attempt at a box cake mix, but it was beautiful, complete with flaky sprinkles you said was fairy dust since my fairy godmother couldn’t be present. She was on vacation, you said." A laugh escapes again. “The shit you would come up with to make it so real…”

  My knees weaken, but the arms wrapped around me keep me from falling, just as he said he would. "You wouldn't let me have candles, because you said that if I just made my wish that it would come true; no amount of fire would change that, because my fairy godmother was listening. Looking back now, you were probably scared to set off any alarms that would attract cops or firemen, but it just fit with the theme I guess. I remember Derek walked out of the back all dressed out in a tux, the weekend bartender at the time. I don't even know how you knew I had the biggest crush on him, but somehow you did. My eyes lit up when he walked up to me and asked me to dance. I was so nervous all I could do was nod and slide off of my stool. When I took his hand and looked at you, you were over by the DJ booth looking for music. You ended up playing that song, The way you look tonight, but it was the remake done by Michael Buble, so it wasn't so far outside of my time. When we started dancing in the middle of the dance floor, you had the biggest shit-eating grin on your face. You knew how happy I was. I remember staring at the floor, trying my damnedest not to step on his feet. To this day that birthday still tops them all, because it was one of the few times I remember you smiling. It was also the night you told me as you tucked me in to never settle for anything less than a prince, because I deserved to be treated like a princess forever. You made me promise to never end up like you, because somewhere you got lost and couldn't find yourself. I didn't understand what you meant then, but I think I do now. I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about that. It may take me a while to let him love me, but he's a patient man. I'll make sure I always remember those times, Mom. You'll never be forgotten."

  I remove the lid from the canister, and as if it was staged to hit at the perfect time, the breeze picks up, blowing the bottom of my dress in the wind. "Rest in peace, Mom. I know you'll be happy here."

  I turn the canister over slowly, letting the ashes pour into the wind a little at a time until it's empty, watching them as they catch a ride with the air, traveling to wherever they're going to be taken. When they disappear from sight I break down, no longer able to hold myself together. I can't explain it, but it's as if all the strength I've ever had has dissolved from my body. I feel like dead weight in his arms.

  I start wheezing, unable to catch my breath as the tears fall freely down my face. My clothes feel like they're strangling me. My hands immediately go for the back of my neck, trying desperately to undo the straps. My chest is heaving and noises of me trying to catch my breath start sounding from my mouth. My eyesight is starting to go black and I feel dizzy.

  I start to panic more when I can't get the straps undone. One of his arms disappears from around me and I fall to my knees in the sand. A cold blade touches the back of my neck, before the sound of fabric being severed sounds and the straps fall, now separated. I begin clawing at my skin. The air refuses to come.

  My world starts to fade in and out. It takes a few seconds before I realize I'm cradled in Kaston's arms, being carried into the ocean. Water encompasses us, drenching our bodies. I stretch my body atop the water, trying to get air, but I feel like my airway is the size of a pinhole, only letting enough airflow through to keep me alive. Something soft touches my lips, and suddenly air enters my lungs, calming me. As if I just remembered how to breathe, I suddenly can. His mouth parts from mine, but I grab the back of his neck and pull him back to me, kissing him with everything that I am as he holds me in the water, not letting go. "Promise. You. Won't. Leave. Me." I say each word in a pause between kissing him.

  I pull myself upright, wrapping my legs around him as best as I can with this dress in the way. I look into his eyes, feeling half crazy, until he speaks. "I don't think that I can."

  My chest physically hurts; so much so that the idea of a heart attack crosses my mind. I still feel dizzy, probably from the lack of oxygen for a few minutes. "Don't quote me, but I think I might be falling in love with you too."

  "Fuck," he says, and grabs the back of my neck, pulling me toward him. "That felt better than I thought it would," he whispers against my lips, and then crushes his lips to mine, holding my body against his as we make out like we're dying in the middle of the ocean.

  Nothing else matters right now than the epiphany I just had. I may actually love someone. The truth is that it scares the hell out of me. I never wanted love because I thought it gave one person a power over the other that could destroy them if taken away, but he's slowly showing me that real love isn't like that. It's a constant commitment to the other person. It's sticking around through fears, joys, and sorrows. It's putting in time, and sacrificing your wants and needs for your partner. It's learning to love together, whether at the same time or months apart. I'm still unsure of a lot of things, but I do know that like him, I don't think I can run from this...

  I roll over to an empty bed. It instantly pulls me from a half sleep. When Lux wakes up before me it's usually a bad thing. Reaching over the bed I grab my boxer-briefs and throw my legs over the side of the bed, before pulling them on to stand, working them up to my waist.

  I check the bathroom, but it's empty. My second thought is that damn Jacuzzi. I jog to the stairs and quickly make my way down. That's when it hits me - the smell of bacon frying and coffee brewing. I slow my pace, lightly stepping across the living room into the kitchen. Music is playing from somewhere, and turned up loud enough that I'm surprised I didn't hear it upstairs. A smile instantly forms on my face when I see her.

  I lean against the doorframe and cross my arms over my chest, watching patiently for as long as she doesn't know I'm here. She has hip-hop playing, a strange option for morning. She's wearing one of my V-neck tee shirts, one side hanging off the shoulder, and a pair of panties, or at least I'm assuming. The bottom of the shirt stops just below her ass.

  The beat of a new song starts to play, one she obviously likes, because her shoulders start bumping to the bass as she stirs whatever is in the bowl in front of her. As the song progresses it changes from two shoulders in unison with each other to opposite. Then comes the hips, swaying from side to side, hitting each time there is a major change in the beat. When the chorus comes on she belts out the lyrics and her movements become more pronounced, like a sober girl in a club that just started feeling the alcohol, making her braver.

  My bottom lip pulls into
my mouth as I watch her. She stops stirring and her palms go to her knees, before she starts pumping her ass up and down as if she's fucking the air. My hand instantly finds my dick, grabbing ahold of it through the material of my underwear. Down boy... It has a fucking mind of its own. That mental phrase is turning into a pattern.

  She stands upright, grabs a spoon from the holder, and places it to her mouth, before singing and dancing to herself, spinning toward me in the process. She freezes when she sees me standing here watching her. She looks at the spoon in her hand and quickly hides it behind her back, then clears her throat. "I was just making breakfast. Are you hungry?"

  "Starving."

  "Okay, um, can you give me a few minutes? I wasn't expecting you to be up before the food was ready. I went with veggie omelets and bacon." She pauses. "You do eat that right?"