Elspeth Hart and the School for Show-offs

by Sarah Forbes

  “Don’t be such a baby!” Elspeth said without thinking. Then she caught sight of her friend’s worried face and felt awful. “Sorry. I know it’s scary. But I need your help, Rory. I can’t trust anyone else!”

  “I’ll think about it, I promise,” Rory said, hurrying away to his next class. “Sorry, Elspeth, I’ve got to run. Speak to you later.”

  Elspeth watched him go, feeling lost. Rory had never rushed away from her like that before. She looked down at her shoes for a minute, feeling sad. But the doodles on her trainers reminded her of her dad and she knew she had to be brave. She decided to head to the library again. She could return the papers and figure out what to do next.

  The library was locked, but Professor Bombast had left the key in the door. Elspeth took the key and locked the door from the inside. If anyone came along, they’d think it was Professor Bombast inside. And if Professor Bombast came along, he’d probably get confused and go searching for the key.

  As Elspeth hurried over to the desk, something caught her eye. Sitting on top was a shoebox with a bright red ribbon tied around it and a silver rosette on top. And it had her name on it.

  Elspeth narrowed her eyes. That’s weird, she thought. Nobody in the school would ever buy me a present … would they? She stepped closer to the box. There was a small gift tag on it. Gently, Elspeth lifted it up. It said:

  A gift for Elspeth Hart, who works

  so hard in our exsellent school.

  Elspeth was good at spelling. She knew loads of words from all the books she had hidden in the library and read. Excellent was spelled with a “c”, not an “s”, she was sure. Who had written the tag?

  Obviously not Professor Bombast. Professor Bombast was weird, but he was quite good at spelling. It wasn’t Madame Chi-chi’s handwriting, which was swirly and huge and usually in glittery pen. It wasn’t Madame Stringy, either, who preferred to “communicate through the beauty of music”, which meant she was rubbish at reading and writing. And there was no way that Miss Crabb or Gladys Goulash would ever buy a present for Elspeth – especially not a present that looked exactly like a brand-new pair of trainers in her size.

  Cautiously, Elspeth leaned towards the box and sniffed it. Instantly, the pong of Tatiana Firensky’s perfume hit her. It was an exclusive fragrance created by the fashion designer Jean-Paul Goatherd, which smelled like a very posh old lady who had fallen into a vat of vanilla pudding. Elspeth would have known that smell anywhere.

  She understood then that the present was an evil trick. As she lifted up the box, she heard a scrabbling sound. The sound of something alive.

  Very, very slowly, Elspeth set the box down where she had found it. She didn’t scream or run away. She just took a little step backwards, and then another little step backwards. She wiggled her toes in her too-tight trainers, which is what she did when she was thinking about things, and then she placed her hands behind her back and had another think about things.

  It could be a box full of spiders. The scrabbling sound wasn’t loud enough for it to be one of the giant rats that roamed the halls. What else could it be? Cockroaches?

  There were plenty of cockroaches running around the kitchen, but Professor Bombast made sure they weren’t seen in the school. Every so often, Gladys Goulash would sweep up the dead ones, fry them up in honey, and serve them as a special desert in the canteen with a splodge of cream. Elspeth decided to find out what was in the box.

  If, dear reader, you are ever offered a present that looks like a pair of your favourite trainers, but makes a sound as though it might be a box of insects, it is better to check before running away ungratefully. Always remember that.

  Elspeth untied the ribbon around the shoebox. She put the card to one side. And gently, very gently, she lifted the lid up a tiny bit and peeked in.

  What she saw made her slam the lid back down. It was Lazlo. And he was angry.

  Elspeth knew that anyone taking the lid off a box where Lazlo had been trapped was likely to be bitten on the nose immediately. She sighed. Cockroaches were one thing, but this was something else.

  “Tatiana Firensky,” she said as she tied up the box extra tightly, “this time, you have gone too far.”

  As the huge grandfather clock in the Great Grand Hall struck seven, Elspeth sat down at the very top of the staircase. She placed the shoebox containing Lazlo beside her. She knew Rory would be beside himself with worry while Lazlo was gone, but she needed a minute to think before she found him.

  She made an important list in her head. It had five points:

  1) Miss Crabb is NOT my aunt. She stole me from my parents. If she’s lying about that, maybe the flood never even happened!

  2) Miss Crabb thinks I have my parents’ Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce recipe.

  3) The song is definitely the ingredients for a recipe … I just can’t remember the rest of it.

  4) I bet I’m not allergic to fresh air, so I can escape!

  5) Tatiana Firensky has a face like a pig stuck in a gate.

  The last point on the list wasn’t strictly necessary, but it made Elspeth laugh when she thought about it, which was a good enough reason for adding it.

  I just have to find a way to escape from Miss Crabb and her evil plans, Elspeth thought. And if I could get Tatiana Firensky to shut up at the same time, that would be perfect!

  Elspeth Hart was looking for Rory. To find him, all she had to do was walk up and down the stairs, listening for the sound of wailing. Rory hated to be without Lazlo.

  Elspeth paused outside Madame Stringy’s music rooms. Sure enough, the crying was so loud that it echoed through the soundproof walls.

  Pushing open the door, all Elspeth could see was a huge pile of balled-up tissues. Then she spotted Rory Snitter lying on his stomach and pounding his fists on the floor. He had definitely taken Lazlo’s disappearance hard.

  “Laaaaaazlo!” wailed Rory Snitter. “My Laaaaazlo! Wherefore art thou Lazlo?”

  Rory had cried so much that there was a small river of tears running down the middle of the room.

  Elspeth sighed. Rory was her friend, but he was acting like the worst of the show-offs.

  She wished he was a bit braver. That way he could help her escape.

  “Rory? I’ve got something for you,” Elspeth said. She closed the door behind her and kneeled down next to him. “Look! Don’t cry. It’s Lazlo. He’s fine!”

  Instantly, Rory sat up. “Lazlo?” he asked. He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “You found Lazlo?”

  He grabbed the box and hauled Lazlo out, kissing him on the head. Lazlo bit him on the nose. No matter how much you love a pet, dear reader, always remember that they have not been brought up to have manners. Sometimes they do the nastiest things when you are only trying to help them.

  Rory ignored the drips of blood that were gathering on his snotty nose. A smile crept over his damp face.

  “LAZLO! You’re back!” he cried. He looked at Elspeth. “Where was he? I was so worried. You didn’t take him for a joke, did you?”

  “No way! You know I wouldn’t do that,” Elspeth said indignantly. “I found him in the library. He was in this shoebox. I think Tatiana stole him so she could play a trick on me. You know he always attacks when he’s been cooped up.”

  As if to prove her point, Lazlo bit Rory again on the ear and then peed all over his shoulder.

  “You know what Tatiana is like,” Elspeth carried on. “We all do.”

  “Yes,” Rory said. “And sticking Lazlo in a shoebox sounds like the kind of thing she’d do, too. But if any of us said anything, her parents would file an Official Filthy Rich Complaint and then we’d never be seen again. They can make people vanish, Elspeth.”

  Elspeth nodded. “She’s really got it in for me. And now I know what Miss Crabb is up to, I have to get out of here.”

  “Maybe you can escape and go straight to the police,” Rory said. “They’ll help you, Elspeth!”

  Elspeth frowned. “No,” she said. “I
don’t want to do that. I can’t be sure that my parents are still alive. If they’re not…” She swallowed. “You know what will happen – they’ll send me to live with another family, or I’ll have to stay in a children’s home or something.”

  “That wouldn’t be so bad. They might be nice,” Rory said.

  “NO!” Elspeth’s voice came out louder than she meant it to. “I’ve spent a whole year locked up in this place with other children and stupid rules and I just want to be back in my OWN HOME.” Elspeth realized she was crying. She wiped her eyes, feeling embarrassed.

  Rory looked at Lazlo for a second. Then he looked up at Elspeth, reached out and gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder. “I want to help you,” he said. “I was being a baby about it before. But we need to stick together. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get out of here.”

  Elspeth blew her nose on the clean tissue Rory was offering her, then smiled at him. “That is the best news I’ve had for a long time,” she said. “And I think I’ve got the start of a plan.”

  Meanwhile, Tatiana Firensky was on the phone to her father. She had a special pink phone covered in glittery diamonds, which was so heavy that she had to get someone else to hold it for her while she had a conversation. At the moment, Octavia Ornamento was struggling to keep it up with both hands.

  “Oh, do shut up, Daddy, none of that was my fault,” whined Tatiana, filing her nails with a pink emery board. She prodded Octavia Ornamento with the nail file to make her lift the phone higher. Octavia’s puny arms were trembling with the effort. Octavia could just make out the voice on the other end of the phone. Tatiana’s father sounded absolutely furious.

  “I didn’t let the racehorses out of the paddock last time I was home,” she said. “Somebody obviously stole them. Why would I take your prize-winning horses?”

  Tatiana’s mouth twitched as she said this. She had paid one of her father’s gardeners to steal three racehorses and sell them on the black market. Tatiana had taken most of the profit and used it to buy a very expensive gold-plated mirror and ten pairs of Jean-Paul Goatherd designer shoes.

  On the other end of the phone, Ivan Firensky had moved on to a new subject.

  “Yes, of course I’ll be the star of the Look at Us! show,” Tatiana hissed into the phone, rolling her eyes. “I’m so much prettier and more talented than all the idiots here. And I hope you’ll make sure Professor Bombast knows I’m the star of the show. You will, won’t you, Daddy?” Tatiana paused, listening, and then raised her eyebrows. “Plan? What plan, Daddy?”

  Just then, Octavia keeled over and collapsed on the floor, crying quietly and massaging her arms. Tatiana picked up the phone and stepped daintily over her weeping friend, ignoring her completely. She wandered into the next room, still talking on the phone. “Outer Mongolia? But what about me, Daddy?”

  Ivan Firensky gave a long reply that made a smug smile spread right over Tatiana’s face.

  “Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce! How super! It’s a terribly clever idea, Daddy. Don’t worry, I shan’t breathe a word to anyone. No, not even Mummy.”

  Tatiana ended the call with a satisfied smile. She liked nothing better than a secret plan.

  Professor Bombast was feeling very worried. He was quite sure the stress of his job was making his hair fall out. He had just dealt with a furious phone call from a mother because her child had been sent home with food poisoning – the third child to get food poisoning at the school in the last week. Professor Bombast was starting to wonder if Miss Crabb was doing a good enough job in the kitchens.

  “Oh dear, oh dear,” he muttered. He munched two Chump bars in a row and tried to think of a solution. He was losing pupils fast, and the west wing of the school was definitely falling down – Madame Stringy had taken a nasty tumble last night on the rotting stairs. He needed money, and he needed it at once. Professor Bombast groaned as he remembered the expensive stuffed bear he’d bought for the library. He wished he’d never bought it, but he couldn’t help himself. Collecting stuffed animals was his favourite thing ever!

  Just then, the phone rang. “Pandora Pants School for Show-offs,” Professor Bombast droned into the receiver while staring angrily at all the stuffed animals he’d spent his money on.

  “Bombast, you old fruit, I’ve decided to make a generous donation to the school,” bellowed the voice on the other end. “A VERY GENEROUS DONATION.”

  Professor Bombast knew the voice at once. It was Ivan Firensky. Of all the pushy, bossy parents he had to deal with, Ivan Firensky was the pushiest and bossiest. But his daughter Tatiana was clearly going to be famous, and that would be good for the school’s reputation. So Professor Bombast had to put up with both of them.

  “That’s, um, very kind of you, Mr Firensky,” Professor Bombast said. “How … er … how much exactly?”

  “TWO MILLION POUNDS!” Ivan Firensky’s voice boomed down the phone. “On one condition. That my darling daughter is the ONLY star of your Look at Us! show. She must be the centre of attention! Do you understand me, old fruit?”

  Two hours later, Professor Bombast was teaching the Attention Seeking in General class and wondering what he’d let himself in for. He had agreed to take Ivan Firensky’s money and make Tatiana the star, but looking at Tatiana’s sour face, he realized this might have been a terrible mistake.

  The class were forming a huge human pyramid, and Tatiana was supposed to be at the top. Working with other pupils was not her strong point, however. She was kicking the other children underneath her, and complaining loudly that her hair was getting messed up.

  “Teamwork, chaps, teamwork!” Professor Bombast called, trying to sound jolly.

  “Rah! I don’t think so!” Tatiana gave a vicious wriggle and leaped down.

  With a lot of screams and shouts, the pyramid of show-offs came tumbling to the ground. Half the class, naturally, burst into tears on the spot. If you have ever taken a tumble in gym class, dear reader, you will know that those soft blue mats are actually quite painful to land on.

  Professor Bombast rubbed his forehead. “Class dismissed,” he said weakly.

  Elspeth Hart was watching at the side of the room. A clever plan was starting to form in her mind. The Look at Us! show was going to be VERY interesting this year.

  Elspeth was feeling excited about her big escape. In fact, she was trying not to smirk to herself as she climbed the stairs towards the attic that evening. That was, until she saw Miss Crabb looming above her, with a horrible fake smile fixed on her face.

  “Elspeth, dear,” Miss Crabb crooned, “I do believe you have a little recipe, and I do believe it’s meant for me.”

  Elspeth stared back at her angrily. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Miss Crabb,” she said. “I don’t have any recipe. I never did.” She wanted to shout, “Tell me the truth about my parents, you old bat!” but she stopped herself, just in case Miss Crabb locked her in the cellar.

  “Oh, I think you do,” Miss Crabb said. She came down one step and jutted her pointy chin towards Elspeth. Elspeth could smell her disgusting breath. “I think you have a special recipe, and you’ve been hiding it from me, and it’s time you gave it to me.”

  Elspeth stood her ground. “I don’t have anything,” she said. “Nothing. I came here in just my clothes and shoes. You know that.”

  Miss Crabb was starting to shake with rage. “Oh, I don’t think it’s written down,” she said icily. “I think you’ve memorized it.” She reached out a clawed hand and grabbed Elspeth’s arm. “If you don’t give me that recipe, I am going to offer Tatiana Firensky’s father the chance to have you as Tatiana’s free Personal Assistant. Which means you will have to be with her at all times, run around after her, brush her hair for her, and do ANYTHING SHE SAYS.”

  Elspeth gulped. This was by far the worst punishment Miss Crabb had ever come up with – much much worse than being locked in the cellar or forced to trim gnarly toenails. She knew Tatiana would jump at the chance of having a Pers
onal Assistant.

  Elspeth wriggled out of Miss Crabb’s grasp and sprinted back down the stairs. She bumped into Rory and Lazlo just as they were wandering across the Great Grand Hall.

  “Come with me!” Elspeth hissed. They ran into the theatre and clambered into their secret hiding place under the stage.

  Lazlo kept a watchful eye out for rats and mice. Elspeth told Rory about Miss Crabb’s latest threat.

  “Being Tatiana’s Personal Assistant would be the worst thing ever,” Elspeth said in exasperation. “Nobody stands up to her, that’s the problem. Not even the teachers! But I’ve got a plan, Rory. I’m only spending one more night in this awful place. I’m going to escape.”

  “Well,” Rory said bravely, “I want to come with you.”

  “Really?” Elspeth hadn’t expected this. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I am!” Rory sounded very confident all of a sudden. “Elspeth, I hate it here. I’m not as loud as the other children, I don’t even care about being famous, and Lazlo is very upset after being stuck in that box. He’s off his food and everything.”

  “OK,” said Elspeth, thinking fast. “We’ll get you out of here as well.” She took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves. “Tomorrow is the big day. When Tatiana’s doing her routine in the Look at Us! show, everyone will be distracted. We’ll sneak out of school and jump in the first limo we see. All the parents will have their chauffeur-driven cars waiting outside. We’ll get the driver to take us to a train station. If they don’t want to cooperate—”

  “They won’t,” interrupted Rory.

  “Then we will just have to get Lazlo to bite them. Nobody wants to mess with a bad-tempered lizard. They’ll be so freaked out that they will do whatever we need them to.”