Elspeth Hart and the School for Show-offs

by Sarah Forbes

  Octavia pulled at her arm. “I think Tatiana’s daddy is leaving now,” she whispered.

  Sure enough, Ivan Firensky had started scurrying towards the door.

  “Catch him, he’s not getting away with this!” Elspeth shouted, running after him.

  Elspeth was a good runner, and her trainers were ideal for sprinting across the polished hall at high speed, but Rory wasn’t so lucky. His dance shoes sent him skidding along with Lazlo clinging on to his shoulder.

  As fast as Elspeth ran, she wasn’t quick enough. By the time she’d reached the Great Grand Hall, Ivan Firensky was at the main door of the school. As he sprinted, Elspeth could see him taking a pot of Firensky Super-strength Glue out of his jacket pocket. The door slammed shut behind him and there was a sticky squelchy sound.

  Elspeth tried to prise the heavy black door open, but it was stuck fast. She shouted out in frustration. Tatiana’s dad was going to get away with it! The TV crews were broadcasting live, so the police had to be on their way, but by the time they arrived, Ivan Firensky would be miles away!

  “Elspeth, we need to get out of here,” Rory muttered.

  “I know. If we all pull together, we might be able to unstick the door!” Elspeth said.

  “No, no, that’s not what I mean,” said Rory. Lazlo was jumping up and down on his shoulder, which made Rory look even more worried. “It’s Tatiana. Look,” he pointed.

  Elspeth turned around and gasped in horror. Tatiana Firensky was marching towards her at high speed, holding a pair of diamond-covered scissors.

  “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’s not viole—” said Rory, but before he could finish, there was a loud whooshing sound and the scissors flew through the air, whizzing past Elspeth and ending up stuck in the wall like a very sparkly dagger.

  “How dare you!” hissed Tatiana. “How could you possibly think you’d get away with this? Everyone knows how important Daddy is. He’ll speak to the authorities and you’ll all end up in jail!”

  Elspeth trembled, but she looked straight at Tatiana. Things were moving too fast. Elspeth would have to think even faster. She looked over at Professor Bombast, but he was busy trying to stop the TV crews from broadcasting the chaos.

  Elspeth grabbed Rory’s hand. There has to be a way out of this, she thought. What if—

  But before Elspeth could finish her thought, she heard a very cross voice coming from behind Tatiana.

  “Not so fast,” the voice squeaked threateningly.

  Tatiana’s head was jerked backwards. Esmerelda was standing behind her, clutching Tatiana’s long blonde hair in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other.

  “You’re not the only one with scissors, you know!” Esmerelda shrilled. “I know it was you who ruined my perfect hair!” She waved the scissors in the air. “I’ve realized that Tatiana is a nasty piece of work and that she’s not my friend at all!”

  “Nooooo! Not my beautiful hair! Anything but my hair!” Tatiana screeched, her face bright pink.

  Elspeth turned around to see Tim Fitzgibbons hurrying towards her. He and his friends had tied up Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash with a microphone cable, and Gladys was trying to gnaw through it.

  “Elspeth, this is frightful!” Tim said breathlessly. He smoothed down his hair, looking anxious. “I’d never be able to get hold of my favourite shampoo in Outer Mongolia. It sounds like a hideous place! Now we’ve sorted out Crabb and Goulash, can you get us out of here?”

  “What are we all waiting for?” cried Elspeth. She hauled at the front door with all her strength. “Let’s get out of here and catch Tatiana’s dad!”

  The show-offs crowded round behind her, Esmerelda still holding Tatiana by her hair.

  “You won’t get out of that door, Elspeth,” said Professor Bombast gravely. He marched towards them with a worried look on his face. “He’s locked us in using Firensky Super-strength Glue.” He scratched his head, making his curly black hair stick up even more than usual. “I’m afraid, old chaps, that we are TRAPPED!”

  “OK. Let’s go to the kitchens!” Elspeth whirled around, ready to lead everyone towards the kitchen exit.

  But that was when they heard it. The rushing sound of lots and lots of water.

  There was a simple explanation for the dreadful sound of rushing water. As you may remember, dear reader, Gladys Goulash had taken her annual bath that morning.

  Gladys Goulash did not like washing. She found it a waste of time, and it went against her motto, which was: If Something Is a Lot of Effort, It’s Not Worth Doing. But once a year, just before the Look at Us! show, she took a soak, shaved all the black hairs off her hairy legs and trimmed her very long yellow toenails. That is what Gladys Goulash had done that morning.

  Unfortunately there was so much black hair and so many toenail clippings that the bathtub had not drained. Gladys hadn’t bothered checking the taps were off properly, either, and while the show-offs were performing, a LOT of water had filled up the bathroom.

  It kept flowing. It flowed through the upstairs corridors. It snuck under doors and it ran down the stairs. Now there was a huge river of water rushing through the school, soaking the thick patterned rugs and the red velvet curtains. It raced towards Elspeth and Rory and Professor Bombast and the show-offs and, because the doors had been locked with Firensky Super-strength Glue, the water had nowhere to go. In just a few seconds it was up to their ankles and rising fast.

  “The basement exit will already be flooded,” yelled Professor Bombast above the noise of the rushing water. “We’re stuck!” He pushed one of the cameramen out of his way. “Do stop filming, old chap! Can’t you see this is an emergency?”

  Elspeth shivered with fear. Rory looked like he might cry.

  “It’s OK. We can break out through a window!” squealed Esmerelda.

  Esmerelda was an excellent gymnast, and she wasn’t going to let a crisis get in the way of a showing-off opportunity. Before anyone could stop her, she took a run, did a splashy cartwheel, a round-off and jumped up towards one of the high pointy windows. She landed neatly on the windowsill and kicked out with the heel of her tap shoe, smashing the glass window.

  “Come on, everyone,” Tim shouted. “Form a human pyramid!”

  The show-offs didn’t have to be told twice. With a TV crew following their every move, they bent and jumped and climbed until there was a wall of bodies leading up to the window.

  Esmerelda had handed Tatiana to another of the show-offs, who was clinging on to her. Nobody wanted Tatiana to get away with her awful tricks. And without Tatiana wriggling and kicking, the human pyramid worked perfectly.

  “You first, Elspeth,” Tim said encouragingly. “Step on Rory’s back, then on the next person, just like it’s a staircase. We’ll get you out of here in no time.”

  Elspeth didn’t stop to think twice. She’d never trusted any of these children, but things were changing. Things were changing faster than Gladys Goulash changed her slug soup recipe. She took a deep breath and climbed up.

  “Sorry, Rory!” she said, taking the first step on to his back.

  “No worries, Elspeth,” came a muffled voice from the human pyramid.

  Elspeth took three more wobbly steps, and then she pulled herself up to stand next to Esmerelda on the windowsill.

  She steadied herself and took a look around. What she saw made her think she was dreaming.

  There were hundreds of police officers all around the school. There were dozens of photographers, lots of flashing lights and another two TV crews. Ivan Firensky was struggling and kicking as two policemen put a pair of handcuffs on him. Lots of official people were taking statements. Elspeth slid down a drainpipe, jumped on to the grass and breathed in fresh air for the first time in a year. She was fine! No shrivelling up at all. Elspeth ran forward on the lawn, spun round and looked back at the school.

  Elspeth had only ever seen the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs from the inside. It looked just as horrible from the outside. She stared a
t it for a long moment.

  I will never, ever, set foot in that place again, she promised herself.

  The police had propped a ladder up against the wall, and the show-offs were clambering out of the window and down to safety. Some show-offs were taking the opportunity to display their jumping and cartwheeling skills, and doing backflips as soon as they landed on the grass.

  Elspeth spotted the police climbing in through the window with another ladder, then saw Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash being hauled out into the bright sunshine.

  “Firensky, you festering old goat!” screamed Miss Crabb. “I thought you loved me. I’ll get you for this!”

  For a second, Elspeth felt sorry for Miss Crabb. Then she remembered being shouted at, having to wash filthy pots all day and being made to sleep in a wardrobe, and Elspeth didn’t feel sorry for her AT ALL.

  Elspeth saw Professor Bombast shuffling up to Madame Chi-chi, looking sheepish.

  “Well, this is all rather out of the blue,” he muttered. “With that Firensky chap behind bars I can make a fresh start. Madame Chi-chi, I don’t suppose you’d care to, ahem … marry me? I thought you might like to help me run this place as a quiet school for quiet children.”

  There was a shriek of delight and Madame Chi-chi planted another big lipsticky kiss on Professor Bombast’s cheek.

  “Plus,” said Professor Bombast wisely, “I will need an assistant in the school to look after Cutie-pie and wipe his little bottom, and I have chosen Tatiana Firensky. While her daddy is in jail she will be well looked after, provided she works hard.”

  There was a loud scream of horror from Tatiana. “Noooo!” she shouted. “Assistant? I can’t be an ASSISTANT! Do you know how much my perfect fingernails are insured for, you stupid little man? Not to mention my beautiful hair!”

  “Do shut up, Tatiana,” called Ivan Firensky, as he was led into a police van. “It’s all over. You’re a spoilt brat and you’d better do as the man says.”

  Elspeth tried not to laugh as she caught a glimpse of Tatiana’s disgusted face. But then she started getting the icy, worried feeling in her tummy again. Without a mum and dad to collect her, what should she do now? Would the police put her in a children’s home? Or send her to live with one of the awful show-offs?

  Elspeth turned around to look for Rory. She spotted him jumping up and down trying to find his parents, or at least his butler.

  “Rory, I’m going to make a run for it,” Elspeth said. “This is my chance to go home. But I can’t risk waiting too long. I need to get to the nearest town.”

  Rory stopped jumping and went pale. “Elspeth, you’ll never make it. It’s miles and miles! Wait here with me. Maybe you could stay at my house for a bit. Now all this has been on TV, there’s no way my parents will send me away to boarding school again!”

  But Elspeth only had one thing on her mind. She had to get back home.

  “Give me your address,” she said quickly. “I’ll write and tell you where I end up.”

  Rory pulled the pen out of his shirt pocket, then patted his trouser pockets in a panic. “My notebook got soaked in the flood. I don’t have anything to write on!”

  “Write it on my arm,” Elspeth said. Out of the corner of her eye she could see a smiley police officer organizing children into groups. The police officer would be with them any second, and it would be obvious Elspeth didn’t have anyone to collect her. “No, wait – my shoe! Write it on the white toe bit. Dad already drew all over the rest of them.”

  Rory scribbled his address on her shoe and stood up again quickly. They looked at each other and Elspeth felt like she might laugh and cry at the same time.

  “Go, before they catch up with you,” Rory said.

  Elspeth hugged her only friend in the world. Then she turned around and started running as fast as she could.

  Elspeth ran until she had no more breath in her. She ran until she felt sick and her hair was sticking to the back of her neck. When she turned around and looked at the school, it still didn’t seem that far away. The road ahead was long and twisty. For the first time, Elspeth wondered if she had made a terrible mistake. She had no water or food, no money. But all she could do was keep on running.

  Every so often a limo would pass her – with the school on the news, all the parents who hadn’t been at the Look at Us! show were sending chauffeurs to pick up their precious show-offs.

  Elspeth ducked into the bushes whenever a car passed, but eventually a bright pink Rolls Royce whizzed up behind her and screeched to a halt before she had a chance to hide. The window whirred down.

  “Excuse me, miss,” said a worried voice. A red-faced driver in a peaked cap peered at her. “I don’t suppose you’re Miss Tatiana Firensky, are you?”

  Elspeth didn’t even blink. “Why yes, I am!” she said smoothly. She tried to make her voice a bit squeakier than normal.

  “Thank goodness!” said the driver. “I’m ever so sorry, miss. It’s my first day on the job and your mother sent me down here. She said you like to have your own personal car. I was meant to be here sooner, but I got lost! I looked for you up at the school, but there’s so many people running around…” He paused to take off his cap and wipe the sweat from his forehead. “Do get in please, miss. I hope you’ll forgive me for being late.”

  Elspeth hopped in before she could lose her nerve.

  So this is how the show-offs travel, she thought to herself. The back seat was covered in the softest white leather. There was a small ice box next to her full of cold fizzy drinks. And she had a TV screen in front of her with all the channels she could ever want to watch – all for her.

  How am I going to get myself out of this before I end up at Tatiana’s mansion? she thought. She tried to think of a clever plan, but her brain seemed to be stuck. Sometimes this happens to all of us, dear reader, when we are very worried about something.

  The car sped away and Elspeth wondered what she had got herself into.

  “One thing, miss,” called the driver. “Your mother said we must stop off at Horrads. You can get a new fur coat, or anything else you fancy, and charge it to her account. Seeing as you’ve been doing so well at school. A treat.”

  “Um … that sounds super,” Elspeth said eventually. “And –” Elspeth had a flash of inspiration – “then I shall need you to take me to Skipping Hopton.”

  “Skipping Hopton?” asked the driver. “That’s a fair drive. Don’t you want to go straight home, miss?”

  Elspeth gave a tinkly laugh. “Don’t be silly!” she said firmly. “Mummy and Daddy know I shall be spending the weekend in Skipping Hopton. With my … old nanny.”

  If Elspeth had learned one thing from the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs, it was that saying things in a confident voice meant people were more likely to believe you.

  Four hours later, they finally arrived in Skipping Hopton. It was getting dark. Elspeth pressed her nose to the glass. She recognized the street that led to her old school and the park with the swings. As they drove through the village, more and more memories started coming back to her.

  By the time the car pulled slowly into her street, Elspeth had never been so desperate to get out of a car in her life.

  “Thank you ever so much, I’ll just get out here,” Elspeth said.

  The driver looked worried, but shrugged. “If you’re sure, miss,” he said, tipping his cap at Elspeth as she opened the door.

  Elspeth waited until the pink Rolls Royce had turned at the end of the street before she started running towards her front door.

  Elspeth stopped in dismay, staring at the sweet shop and the flat above it. It was dark. So dark she knew at once that nobody was home. Cobwebs stretched across the front door and the grass outside was long and messy. It looked like nobody had been there for some time. You can imagine, dear reader, how scary it is to feel all alone in the world. And now, looking at the dark house, Elspeth felt more alone than ever.

  Blinking back tears, Elspeth trudged up the st
eps to the front door. The spare key was in its usual place under a pot, and she let herself in. She flicked on the lights and walked through each room, trying not to panic. Where are you? she thought.

  Then she saw the note.

  All the fear rushed away, leaving Elspeth’s legs feeling like jelly. Her mum and dad were alive! It was the most glorious feeling in the world. Elspeth jumped up and down on the sofa in delight, then she lay back and ate a slice of Horrads sponge cake for dinner.

  Then she realized she’d better copy down Rory’s address. After all, he was her only friend in the world and would be waiting to hear from her.

  Elspeth took off her right trainer and copied out the address Rory had scribbled on the toe. Then she picked up the shoe again and looked at it more closely. In among the stars and swirls were lines of numbers, in tiny writing.

  Hold on a minute, Elspeth thought. This looks like a code! She sat bolt upright again.

  “This IS a code!” she said out loud. “That song is a list of ingredients and THIS is the code!” She started humming, and sure enough, every single word of the song came rushing back to her. “I can remember it all!”

  Elspeth grabbed a sheet of paper and hummed and scribbled until she had the recipe all written down. She stared at the sheet of paper in awe. The Hart family Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce recipe. The one her parents were going to use to make their fortune. Elspeth hesitated. Would it be safe, written down like that? Then she remembered that Miss Crabb, Gladys Goulash and Ivan Firensky were in jail.

  Elspeth flopped back on to the sofa and sighed in relief.

  When Elspeth tucked herself up in bed that night, she opened the window wide so she could breathe in the lovely fresh air. She lay quietly in her favourite pyjamas, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling. The recipe was safe from Miss Crabb. Elspeth was safe from Miss Crabb. Her parents were alive. All Elspeth had to do now was find them.