Loving Her

by Tracy Reed

  “Is that it?”

  “Oh, I need a great bag that can double as a diaper bag.”

  “I thought you had a Birkin in every color?”

  “I do, but I’m not putting milk bottles in my Birkins. So find me something nice and chic, please. And I need a couple of sweaters.”

  “Okay, what’s going on?” I sat down. This is a major shopping spree even for Chloe.

  “Nothing.”

  “I may not be Alex, but I know something’s going on.” She sat down, unhooked her breast pump and covered up.

  “Collier’s coming next week for an extended visit.”

  “So.”

  “We’ve sort of been seeing each other.”

  “Really? You and Collier?” It took me a moment and then it hit me. “Are you CJ?”

  “Why, what did he say?”

  “Oh snap, you’re CJ.” She took the two Oscars and went behind the screen.

  “Yes, I’m CJ. He’s coming to town next week and he said we need to talk.”

  “About?”

  “Us, Parker, where we’re going.”

  “And where would that be?” She was finally saying something I wanted to hear, and not that rambling she was doing when she walked in earlier.

  “I can’t believe Alex and Moses didn’t tell you about us?”

  “No.”

  She walked out from behind the screen. “Here, zip me up.”

  I zipped up the dress and she primped in front of the mirror. “And where do you want to wear this?”

  “Church and brunch. What do you think?”

  I walked around and examined her from head to toe. “I think you look beautiful.”

  “I don’t look fat?”

  “No. You look beautiful.”

  “Thanks. I really needed to hear that.”

  “I know the most confident, sexiest woman I know can’t be nervous?”

  “Thank you for the compliment, but I’m a nervous wreck.”

  “Come here, sit down.” We sat on the sofa and I channeled Alex. “Why are you nervous?”

  “Alex, Moses, Taylor, and now you, are the only ones that really know what’s going on. Collier and I dated briefly in college, and now I think I messed up and fell in love.”

  “How is that bad?” She shrugged her shoulders. “Did you tell him?”

  “No, I’m too scared, and I think it’s too soon.”

  “What did Alex say?”

  “She says it sounds like I’m in trouble.”

  “She would know.”

  “What?”

  “I had a similar conversation with her. There’s nothing to be scared about. I understand your not wanting to be the first one to say it. But as a man, we like to hear it. And in your case, I think it’s best you let him know, so you don’t waste your time or his.”

  “That’s what she said.” After fourteen years I’m starting to sound like Alex. How scary is that.

  “I gotta tell you, if he’s been coming out here to visit—”

  “And he invited me, Parker and the nanny to New York, but after I talked with Alex, I realized it was too soon.”

  “She’s right. It’s too soon for you to go for a visit. And it’s safe to say I think he feels the same way you do.”

  “So, what am I going to do?”

  “If I know Alex she told you to pray about it.”

  “She did and I did.”

  “So you’re just waiting on an answer from God.” She nodded. “Sometimes when we think God hasn’t answered our prayer He has. Just because we don’t get the answer we want doesn’t mean He didn’t answer. He answered with the right answer. We just have to be willing to accept it.”

  “I never thought of it that way. But you’re right.” She stood up. “Okay, so what do we think about this one?”

  “We think its good, but we can do better.”

  “Then hook me up.” She took a deep breath. “I need a dress to wear when I tell Collier I love him.”

  “You got it.”

  Now I understood why she and Alex were friends. Alex sees what Chloe works hard to keep hidden, her vulnerability.

  * * *

  Moses

  * * *

  I HAD BEEN SITTING IN front of my computer for the past three hours, but my mind was as blank as the computer screen. Alex had locked me out emotionally and physically. No matter how hard I tried to get close, she refused to let me in.

  I grabbed my jacket and phone, quietly closed the door and started towards the lake. I stopped at the edge of the lake and looked up at the sky. God why is this happening? Please show me how to help my wife.

  My phone rang with a ringtone from a number I needed to answer. I took my phone out of my pocket and pressed the Answer Call button.

  “Hey, Dad.” I wiped my cheek.

  “Hi Son, where are you?”

  “I’m at the lake.”

  “Where’s Alex?”

  “She’s at the house asleep. Is everything okay?”

  “Everything is fine. I wanted to talk to you.”

  “What’s on your mind?”

  “Turn around.” I turned around and saw a tall figure walking towards me waving. I pressed the End Call button, placed my phone in my pocket, wiped my face and waited for my dad.

  “What’s going on? Is everything okay?” He asked. He stopped and hugged me. My Dad wasn’t one for public displays of affection, but he must have sensed I really needed that hug.

  I stepped back and sighed. “Everything’s fine.”

  “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” That really was a faith confession.

  “How’s my girl doing?” We stood at the edge of the lake gazing out at the water. I wanted to break down, but I was trying to be strong in front of my dad. I was so angry. I really wanted to punch something.

  “She says she’s fine but, she won’t let me in.” I didn’t want him to see the tears filling my eyes.

  “And how are you doing?”

  “This really threw me for a loop. I mean, I think I could have dealt with it a lot better had...if I…”

  “Have you talked about how this might affect your lives?”

  “Not really. She’s been sleeping a lot and not talking much.”

  “I see.”

  “I can only imagine how I’d react if a young woman showed up on my doorstep and said she was Allegra.”

  “Son, this is different. Allegra wasn’t your child.”

  “True, but--”

  “No buts. If Allegra were alive, she wouldn’t have come looking for you. She would have come looking for Natalie, not you.”

  “But I was Natalie’s husband.”

  “But not Allegra’s father. Although you were willing to raise her. I know you wouldn’t have denied her father his rights. And you would have done everything you could for them to have a relationship.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You would have insisted he be listed on the birth certificate. So, if this had been Allegra, she would have done just like this boy. She would have gone looking for her mother and her biological father.” He picked up a rock and tossed it into the lake. “What you have to understand is Alexandra isn’t shutting you out, she’s trying to protect you.”

  “Protect me?”

  “She’s not scared. She’s just a little unsure of how you might feel about all of this.”

  “All the more reason we need to talk. I know this isn’t her fault.”

  “She knows that, but it’s your feelings she’s scared about.”

  “My feelings? I accept her son no matter what.”

  “That’s easy to say now, because you don’t have to make that choice.”

  “Dad, remember I went through something similar with Natalie.”

  “Son, this is different. Think about it. Not only would you be inviting her son into your lives, you’d be inviting his father as well. Unlike Natalie’s situation, this man would want to be involved. Are you ready for t
hat?”

  “Yes.”

  “What about his father?” He looked at me. “This is not the same thing. You’re not talking about taking in your wife’s love child. You’re talking about your wife’s son from her previous marriage. If this is her son, which I don’t believe it is, he isn’t the result of unfaithfulness. He’s the result of a loving relationship.”

  I hadn’t thought about it like that. He was right. That baby was the only thing that could have held that relationship together. Now that there was a possibility he was alive, how was that going to effect that relationship now? How was it going to effect our relationship?

  “I’m confident of Alex’s feelings for me.”

  “I have no doubt she loves you. That’s not the question. What she’s struggling with are your feelings. She’s wondering if you’ll be able to separate your dislike for his father from him. Would you really be able to love him completely…like a father?” He tossed another rock across the lake. “When your mother slipped up--”

  “Excuse me?” I sounded like Alex.

  “When your mother slipped up. I was faced with these same questions. How do I accept this child? Do I invite the father in? Like you, I was alone, yelling at God for help.”

  “Mother had an affair?” I still couldn’t wrap my head around those words.

  “Yes. And it’s something I’m not proud of.”

  My dad was a very reserved and proud man who put his family’s well-being ahead of his own. To find out my mother cheated on him was just unbelievable.

  “But you didn’t have the affair.”

  “No, but I was the reason for the affair.”

  “How?”

  “I wasn’t the best husband in the beginning, and she wasn’t the best wife. I buried myself in my work, and she found solace in another man for two years.”

  “What are you saying? I’m not your son?”

  “No, it’s not you. Your mother and I had been engaged in a battle of bad behavior for years, and it climaxed with her affair. She didn’t understand to get the life she wanted required a lot of long hours. And I failed to understand she needed a lot more attention than I was able to give at the time. She met someone that gave her what she thought she needed.” I couldn’t look at my dad. The thought of knowing my brother or my sister and I didn’t share matching DNA was a little daunting right now. “So when she found out she was pregnant she decided not to tell him. It was her decision and as a result, she became this bitter woman.”

  “Which makes Courtney--”

  “Which makes Courtney your half sister.”

  “Does she know?” My world had completely turned upside down. Not only was I faced with the possibility of being a stepfather, I discovered my mother had an affair for two years, and that my sister and I didn’t have the same father.

  “No. I left that up to your mother. I accepted my part in what happened and I was perfectly fine with raising Courtney, but as she’s gotten older, I don’t like the person she’s become. I allowed your mother to get away with some things because I felt guilty.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “Just like you, I had to make a tough decision. I love your mother but I had to forgive her and myself for what happened.”

  “I don’t feel guilty because there’s nothing I could have done to prevent this.”

  “Exactly. None of this is your fault, nor is it Alexandra’s. She needs to know that no matter what happens, you aren’t going anywhere and that you love her more today than you did the day you married her. She knows God has this under control, but what she doesn’t know is how you really feel.”

  “I can’t tell her that.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “What am I supposed to say? Baby, I love you and I accept your son, but I don’t want his father in our lives?”

  “No. You tell her you love her and you know none of this is her fault. And no matter what happens, you welcome this boy into your lives, and you will help her explain everything to his father, and the three of you will sit down and figure out a way to be a part of his life.”

  “Dad, that’s asking a lot.”

  “With God’s help, you can do it. Alexandra just needs to know that you will embrace this boy. Once she knows that, she’ll let you in. You cannot let this thing effect you like it did your mother and me. It has taken me a long time to repair the damage our mistakes caused.”

  “Does Grams know?”

  “Yes. And she was angry. She chewed us both out. And when your mother manipulated me into turning my back on you, she chewed me out some more. I never told your mother. Grams called me and really let me have it. She asked me how could I raise another man’s child while mine didn’t have a place to live. And she was right. I allowed an outsider to tell me how to run my family. Once I came to myself, I asked her to let you live with her.”

  “I didn’t…” I covered my mouth with my hands.

  “Every month I’d give her a check and every month she’d send it back. Finally, I just stopped sending the money to her and sent it to Mrs. Joseph. Grams said she didn’t need to be paid to take care of her grandson. That’s why she loves you so much. It’s like you’re her child.”

  “I didn’t…”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  My phone started ringing with Alex’s ringtone. “Hey beautiful…I’m at the lake with Dad…he came to see you…uh-huh…why don’t you get dressed and come down here…no, I understand…okay, we’re on our way back…we’ll see you in a few minutes…bye.” I pushed the End Call button.

  “Are you ready?”

  “No. But I’m gonna do whatever I have to in order to get my wife back.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Taylor

  * * *

  I REACHED OVER AND GRABBED the phone before it could ring again. I looked at the screen and pressed the Answer Call button.

  “Alex?”

  “Yes.”

  She didn’t sound like her normal upbeat self. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  The last time I heard her sound this low, she was calling to tell me that lowlife ass Jonathan was dead. I know it’s not respectable to talk ill of the dead. In my defense, I talked ill about him when he was alive.

  I sat up and pulled the sheet around my waist and gently stroked the side of Jason’s face. Thank God the phone didn’t wake him.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I didn’t mean to wake you. I can call back.”

  “No. Are you alright? Why haven’t you returned any of my calls.” I heard her sniffle. “Alex, what’s wrong?”

  “I didn’t know who else to call.”

  “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” My heart started racing. “Where’s Moses?”

  “He’s asleep.” I calmed down a little.

  “Where are you? I can be there in a matter of hours.” She was silent. “Alex, if you don’t tell me what’s going on I’m…”

  “It’s Terrence.”

  Not a name or subject I was expecting to hear. “What about him? Did he do something to you?”

  “Not him. My son.”

  “Alex, honey, please tell me what’s going on.”

  “A boy came to the store and said he was my son.”

  “Oh my God!”

  Jason jumped up. “What?”

  I kissed him and gently eased his head back down. “Hold on.” I climbed out of bed, grabbed my robe and went downstairs to the kitchen. “Tell me everything.”

  I stood still, absorbing every detail she shared. When she finished I plopped down onto a stool. I couldn’t believe what she was sharing.

  “Taylor…Taylor…please say something.”

  “Wow…uhm…how’s Moses handling all of this?”

  “He says he’s fine, but he looks more worried than I am.”

  “Have you really talked about this?”

  “No, I’ve been trying to avoid him.”

  “Don’t do that.”
<
br />   “Every time I look at him, it feels like I’ve betrayed him.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “I told him about Terrence and my marriage, but to have it become something he has to deal with, I don’t know how…”

  “Alex, there’s one thing, no, two things I know for sure. Moses loves you and would do anything to make you happy.”

  “I know.”

  “I also know he doesn’t blame you for any of this.” I sighed. “What did Uncle Wallis say?”

  “He said worse case scenario, they would exhume Terrence and get the answers that way. But I don’t want that.”

  “Why not?”

  “You’ll think it’s silly.”

  “You don’t want to disturb him.”

  “Exactly.” She sniffled.

  “Honey if it’s the only way to get the answers, you need to do it.” I heard her crying.

  “I know.”

  “Do you want me to come see you?”

  “No. Moses and I need to get through this alone. Please don’t tell anyone else.”

  “I won’t. If they exhume Terrence, Jason and I will go be with Aunt Connie and Uncle Wallis.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, Sweetie.”

  “Taylor, please, don’t tell me how he looks. I need to keep him in my mind the way he was.”

  “Just as he was.”

  “Thank you. Love you.”

  “Love you. Bye.” Click. I dropped my head and prayed.

  “Hi, Aunt Connie.”

  “Taylor…how’s my favorite niece doing?”

  “Now Aunt Connie, I know you say the same thing to Kendell,” I teased.

  “But you know you’re my favorite.”

  “Yes, I do.” We laughed.

  “How are my two favorite nephews doing?”

  “Very well. Zach is almost as tall as Jason.”

  “And when are you going to make me a grand aunt again?”

  “Aunt Connie, I don’t know if that’s…”

  “Don’t say that, just let God do what He does.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” She reminds me of my mother. I don’t know how she lasted as long as she did with my uncle. She and my mother married two brothers who didn’t realize what they had until it was too late. “Aunt Connie, Alex called me this morning.”