by Ali Dean
“Hmmm…” Bunny hummed loudly. She did this when she wanted people, or someone, to think about what had been said, though I wasn’t sure why Pepper getting a ride with Zoe and Wes was crucial news.
“Something you want to share, Buns?” I teased, though I was genuinely interested.
“Well, she knew well enough she could have gotten a ride with me,” Bunny pointed out.
“Yes, but you’re on a date with me, and she probably didn’t want to interrupt,” Wallace reasoned.
“Perhaps,” she reflected, like it was a mystery to solve.
I verified that Wallace would take Bunny home safely and then said my goodbyes, ignoring the knowing looks from Remy and Ben. My friends used to try to figure me out; they always knew Pepper was special to me, but lately I was being more transparent, and I wasn’t even fighting it. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was holding a wall up between me and the world until I started taking it down. Knowing my friends saw me and felt for me, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Actually, it felt pretty good. I wasn’t invincible. Why pretend otherwise? Especially when it came to one girl in particular.
If I ever thought it was Annie who had the capability to bring to my knees, I was so wrong. It was Pepper who stripped me bare and exposed me for who I had been. Had been, because I wasn’t going back there. Pepper was the strongest of all of us, and I was happy it was her who ruined me. The truth was, she made me stronger for it.
Chapter Ten
Pepper
I’m rarely alone with Wes and Zoe, but when I am, it’s undeniable they are totally into each other. It’s not just a for-the-moment thing either, time has proven that. During winter break my freshman year in college, Jace publicly declared that Wesley had been in love with me his entire life. Jace has never been the kind of guy who stirs up shit for no reason, and I thought I had to believe his words were the truth. Which had me in a panic for a number of reasons, and Zoe’s interest in Wes was one of them. But even back then, I wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about him. Zoe’s always been a passionate girl, but she moves on quickly and in the end, she’s a realist. So for a long time I thought she and Wes would fizzle out eventually, and one of the many concerns about Wes being into me would be moot.
But they didn’t fizzle out at all. The more time they spent together during their school breaks, the closer they seemed to get. I stopped hearing about other guys from Zoe, and I never saw Wes flirting with other women like he used to. Still, they won’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and they pretend like they have an open relationship, even though they totally don’t.
It’s a wonder to me that Zoe might be held up by her belief that Wes is interested in me. I didn’t think she could be so blind, but maybe it’s time I say something to him, or her, about it. Only, what am I supposed to say?
They pull up to my apartment, and I decide I’ll have to wait to get Wes alone sometime. “Thanks for the ride, guys,” I tell them.
“You aren’t going to tell us why you bolted out of there?” Wes asks before I can shut the door.
“Yeah, you practically chased us into the parking lot. What’s up with that?” Zoe persists.
“You know me. I had enough of the crowds. Me and Dave need some quality snuggle time,” I tell them, referring to my mutt, who sadly is the only male I spoon with these days.
They don’t buy it, but they’re more interested in getting back to Wes’s place than giving me a hard time. Even though Amelia’s words shook me a bit, I’m still smiling when I let myself into the apartment and flip through the channels for something mindless to watch.
Amelia took me aside and told me to be careful about Clayton. It was weird, for sure, because I barely know her, and it’s not like his reputation is some giant secret. I asked her if I still seemed so naïve – I do know what he’s like. But she shook her head and told me he’d wanted me for a long time. “He used to talk about you when he was in high school and even when he went to college, Pepper. I always thought it was weird, because you were so much younger than him. Look, he used to be a friend and I’ve seen him around since I graduated. He might seem harmless but I just have a bad feeling.”
She was flustered, I could see that, and I wondered if she’d had a crush on him and had her heart broken. She couldn’t know that I already knew about his interest in me going back to high school. He’d asked me to his senior prom when I was a freshman. And she might not be familiar with the history between Jace and Clayton. Jace had hooked up with Clayton’s long-time girlfriend a week or so after Clayton and the girl broke up. That was when Jace was a high school freshman and Clayton a junior. Clayton had always felt competitive with Jace, the only other guy who threatened his reign in Brockton. But it all seemed like old news now. Yes, I’d sensed some tension between the two, but Clayton couldn’t possibly still feel threatened by Jace, a college student who played an entirely different sport.
Still, I had to agree Clayton’s interest in me was hard to explain, especially after seeing the crowd he and his teammates drew tonight. I’d taken the opportunity to split. My friends had paired off; even Gran was with her fella, and I wanted to avoid any drama.
When I hear a knock at the door, I’m tempted to ignore it. It takes me a moment, but eventually I get off the couch and check the peephole. And I stare. I step back from the door for a second, and Dave sniffs the door, wagging his tail enthusiastically. He’s happy to see Jace. Probably because he doesn’t have a very good long-term memory. Or maybe because Jace always feeds him from the table. Excuse me, Jace used to feed Dave from the table, when he came over regularly for meals. Jace only comes over now for a rare dinner when Gran extends an invitation to both him and his father. But he’s here now, I verify again in the peephole. And he knows I’m alone, because Gran is at the party.
He doesn’t knock a second time, but hesitates and then turns to leave. I swing open the door before he gets too far, and gesture for him to come inside. I’m not sure what to say, but he must be here for a reason.
“Want a drink?” I ask when he’s inside. Why am I being so nice? Am I over it? Are we capable of being friends again? By the way the apartment suddenly feels way too small, and the way my thoughts jump to forbidden territory, I think I have my answer. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to be ‘just friends’ with Jace again.
He clears his throat, something I’ve noticed he does frequently now. It’s like he’s not sure what to say, and he’s killing time. “Sure.”
I open the fridge and gesture to the options. It’s the same beverages we usually have, and he’s familiar with the choices. He takes a beer and leans against the counter.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he says. He sounds sheepish, almost embarrassed by this admission. It’s not the confident tone he usually delivers statements like this one with.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, genuinely curious.
He looks away, peeling the label on the bottle. “You left so quickly, I just… I don’t know.” He can’t explain himself, and once again I’m struck by the urge to stroke his sharp jawline, to give some comfort. He seems both more at ease and more uneasy than I’ve ever seen him before. On the one hand, he’s not trying to hide anything or mask his emotions. He’s letting himself feel. And what he feels is… nervous?
“Look, Jace,” I try to reassure him. “I don’t hate you. I’m not going to ream you out for checking in on me. I’ve told you, I forgive you for dumping me and being a dick about it, okay? I’m over it. You don’t have to act all weird around me.”
His eyes widen. I open mine wider too, as if to say, yep, I’ve become a little more forward. I’m not going to stand here awkwardly, pretending I don’t know why you’re so nervous.
And then he laughs, a full belly-laugh that’s heavy with relief. “Wow, Pepper. You are something else.”
Rolling my eyes, I grab a beer for myself and invite him to join me on the couch to watch Seinfeld reruns. I managed to keep i
t platonic with him for years when I was still attracted to him, so maybe there’s hope for friendship after all. Do I really want that, though? Am I delving into dangerous territory? Sighing, I plop down on the other end of the couch, and decide to enjoy the company. It’s not worth overthinking.
Chapter Eleven
Jace
I could tell she was second-guessing herself, and I was too. She had turned me away before when I’d tried to open the door again, but today she was giving me every reason to believe that I should keep trying, that being around me didn’t hurt so much anymore. And I showed up because, yeah, I was a little worried, but also because I just had to see if the glimpse of us being cool together again was real. We had played like total badasses in the pool. Hell, we beat Rockies players. That meant we were good together, right?
But the energy on the couch was so palpable, it was impossible to ignore. She had to feel it too. There was a tension sizzling between us, a good one, filled with possibility, and I was trying my damnedest to respect the olive branch she’d extended. I didn’t want to be that guy who was given an inch and took a mile. When I glanced over at her, there was no denying what the flush in her cheeks meant. She was squirming in her seat not because of what Kramer was saying on the television, but because she was finding the heat between us unbearable.
When she turned her eyes to meet mine, I swallowed hard. She wasn’t even trying to hide the desire in her gaze. When she leaned the slightest bit toward me, I took it as an invitation, scooting quickly to her side of the couch and holding her face in my hands, bringing her lips to mine. Her mouth was warm and soft, and I couldn’t tell if the sounds of surrender were coming from me or her. Pepper’s hands wrapped around my neck, securing me to her, and I pulled her closer, so she was on my lap. It was the sweetest feeling, her body nestled in mine, and it was exactly the way it should be. So natural.
I’d wanted this forever, it seemed. The first kiss I’d had in so long, and I would’ve waited longer.
“Ahem!” Bunny called out. Pepper stiffened and I froze.
How had we not heard her open the door? Talk about being consumed in the moment. Shit.
Pepper’s hands dropped from my neck and she shifted away before I could read her expression.
Bunny was standing over the couch now, arms crossed, with a huge, knowing grin on her face. “Should I pretend I didn’t see that? It’s been a while since I walked in on you two making out. Warms this little old heart.”
Pepper groaned and hopped up from the couch. “I’m going to shower. I still smell like the hotel pool.” I was glad she added that bit about the pool, because my insecurities flared up and for a second, I thought she wanted to wash any trace of me off her. And I was left with Bunny, who was tapping her foot and scrutinizing me.
When we heard the shower go on, she started in. “Well now, it seems you got my message. This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it seemed to be working out. Probably a good thing I got home when I did, though, huh?” she mused, and I wasn’t sure if the question was rhetorical or not.
“You know what’s going to happen now though, don’t you?”
“What?” I asked, because hell if I knew the answer.
“She’s going to put the brakes on. And you just let her, but not for too long, you hear?”
“How long?” I wasn’t even going to pretend like I knew how to navigate this shit.
“I think you’ll know,” she replied before waving me off and going to her bedroom, leaving me alone in the living room, wondering what the hell I was going to do now.
Chapter Twelve
Pepper
I’m still freaking out by the time I turn the shower off and wrap myself in a towel. My hand keeps going to my lips, reliving that feeling, and then I want to smack myself. I’m an idiot. Truly, a complete fool. How could I jump him like that? After everything? I’ve seen how he handles relationships when they get too close, and it’s not pretty. I will not be a casualty of that. Again.
Resolved that I’ve given Gran enough time to scold him and shoo him out of here, I leave the bathroom and walk across the hall to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. There’s a gentle knock on my door a moment later and I tell Gran to come in, expecting a lecture of some sort. But it’s Jace standing in my doorway. The first time he’s been in here in a very long time, and I’m wearing a towel. Awesome.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, when he registers my surprise. “You thought I was Buns.”
“I’m getting tired of you apologizing,” I reply sassily.
He clears his throat, again, and probably suppresses the urge to apologize, again. “I was going to say I’m sorry for kissing you,” he admits with a smile. “But now I don’t know what to say.”
“It was mutual. We both got taken by our history and forgot ourselves. It won’t happen again.” I try to brush it off. I’m inclined to blame it on having too much to drink, but we both know that’s a lie. Neither of us drink much.
“Look, Pepper, if you don’t want it to happen again, it won’t. But, I miss you,” he says. “Really miss you. Can we try just being friends?” He’s begging me, and I’m torn. Wasn’t that a pretty good demonstration that ‘just friends’ doesn’t work for us? But the truth is, as disgusted as I am by his behavior during our breakup, he’s a piece of me. Like family, I feel obligated to forgive him anything. And I have; I’m just not sure I want to put myself at risk again. I’m not sure I’d survive falling in love with him again. And I have a horrible feeling I won’t be able to stop myself.
He sighs heavily. “You know I’m leaving in a year. Unless something wholly unexpected happens, I’ll be moving after graduation. I don’t know where, but it won’t be Brockton.”
“There aren’t any NFL teams in Brockton,” I agree.
“I probably won’t even be in Denver. So, I know you’re analyzing how we can be friends with our history, but you don’t have to go too far into the future. We only have a year anyway.”
When he says it like that, I feel a little foolish. “You mean, what damage could you do in a year?” I tease, but I’m choking out the words, suddenly filled with emotion. Sadness because he’s leaving, and the chapter of Jace and Pepper in Brockton will be closed forever, no matter how it ends. Frustration because this isn’t how I want it to end. And fear, most of all. Because I can’t help myself and I want that time with him, yet I know a friendship with Jace isn’t safe for my heart. But I smile anyway, conceding to his offer. I don’t have the will to push him away.
When I wake up in the morning, I wonder if I imagined it all. What was I thinking? Friends with Jace? After I’d just kissed him like my life depended on it? Am I crazy? Shaking my head, I quickly change into running clothes and head out the door with Dave. I’ve got to get a hold on myself. Maybe he won’t follow through. Maybe I can give him the brush-off, like he did to me once. No, I’m not vindictive like that.
The blood begins to flow as I jog through the neighborhoods, making my way to my favorite single track. But I still can’t get my emotions under control enough to reason my way out of this. Actually, the only thing running through my head is how good his mouth felt on mine, his body, firm and strong beneath me. His hands holding my face like I was the most precious thing in the world. And then I’m reminded he can take that all away from me if he wants. If he shuts down again. And then where will I be?
Right, so I just won’t kiss him again. Really, that was just a crazy reaction to being alone in a room with him for the first time since we broke up. I’ll get used to it. Hearing someone behind me, I call Dave and move to the side. I’m rarely passed on this trail, but it could be Ryan or some macho guy trying to prove he can beat a girl. Instead, the person behind me doesn’t pass but stops in front of me, and I’m pulled from my reverie. Well, actually, I’m pulled back into a different one, because it’s Jace standing there with his hands on his knees, panting hard.
“You. Are. Fast,” he breathes out. I giggle at the si
ght. His face is red from exertion and he’s not trying to pretend he caught me without effort. It’s pretty obvious he was sprinting.
“What are you doing?” I ask when he’s caught his breath.
“I’ve been running in the mornings,” he tells me, and I can’t hide my shock.
“You hate running,” I remind him.
“I used to hate it, but I’m starting to like it,” he says easily. I must be giving him a dubious look because he raises his hands. “What? I’m serious. It’s peaceful. Therapeutic. Like you always said.”
“I’m not buying it.”
“Fine,” he says with a shrug. “I saw you go by my house and by the time I changed and was out the door I had to sprint like hell to catch you. I’m not sure I can jog with you, Pepper, I’m man enough to admit it.”
Laughing, I don’t argue his point. He’s definitely got some extra muscle weight to carry, and that would slow anyone down. “We can try for a few minutes?” I offer, realizing I’ve got a chance to show that I can be just friends with Jace. I don’t have to kiss him every time we’re alone together. But who am I trying to prove this to? Him or myself?
“Ladies first,” he says, gesturing. I’d rather he set the pace, since I’m not sure what he’s up for. Sure, he’s one of the most accomplished collegiate athletes in the country, but that doesn’t mean he can keep up with me on the trails. As I jog at my usual speed and I don’t hear him breathing too hard behind me, I realize he must have been serious when he said he’s been running regularly.
We reach a look-out point and as I slow to a walk and approach the view, it amazes me I’ve never shared this with him. One of my favorite spots in Brockton, and he’s probably never seen it.
“Have you been here before?” I ask.
