by Ali Dean
“Only for the first time a few weeks ago. I jogged up here and I was pretty damn proud of myself. You’ve been doing it for years though, huh?”
We lean against a boulder and watch the orange sun shimmer over Brockton. I’ve taken in this view more times than I can count, and I’m startled by how intimate it feels to share this with him.
Gathering myself, I nod. “Yeah. I miss it when I’m at school. We don’t usually run over here. And when we do, it’s rarely first thing in the morning when the sun is rising.”
“You still come back sometimes to do it on your own though during the school year,” he says, and I swing my gaze to him, but he’s looking out at the sun, and doesn’t notice.
“How do you know that?”
“I’ve seen you,” he says with a shrug. And the old Jace is back for that instant, because I know he’s hiding something. But his self-assurance as we head back down the trail, this time with him leading, is comforting. I’d begun to worry he’d changed into someone I wouldn’t recognize. But he’s still confident enough to run with me, a challenge not many guys would take on.
And when we hit Shadow Lane and he invites me to breakfast, and to catch up with Jim, it’s almost like we’re back to our platonic days, when there was no promise of make-out sessions later in the day. Jim’s got an odd day off between construction projects, so he’s home, which saves us from being alone. He’s not as surprised to see me as I expect, and we settle into our usual chairs at their little kitchen table.
“So you found out Jace is a runner now, did you?” Jim asks.
“I’m not sure I can be called a runner, Dad,” Jace says between mouthfuls of waffles.
“You are if you want to be,” I say with a shrug.
“You hear that,” Jim says, pointing his fork at me. “The running guru says you can call yourself a runner. He’s trying to convert me, too, but I get enough exercise on the job.” Jim works in construction, but he’s been a manager for years which, I’m pretty sure, means he’s not doing the heavy lifting.
“Right, Dad,” Jace calls him out. “You’re going to get a belly one of these days. Playing ball once a week with the guys isn’t going to keep you in shape.”
Jim just smiles and takes a sip of coffee. “We’ll see.”
“Gran’s been working out, Jim,” I tell him. “You better watch out or she’ll be able to lift more than you pretty soon.” I don’t tell him that her hand weights are four pounds each. Hot pink, too.
“If she runs, I’ll run too. How about that?”
Jace and I exchange scheming glances. Jim should know better by now. Or maybe he secretly wants to become a runner. And just like that, I’m friends with Jace again. It’s far easier than I thought it would be. Like coming back home, in a way. It should scare me, but it doesn’t. As long as we can keep it to friends only, until he graduates and leaves, I’ll be safe.
Chapter Thirteen
Jace
“You’ve changed,” she told me later that night, as I drove her home from work. I was trying so hard not to rush ahead of myself, to be patient like Bunny advised, but when she said something like that, I wanted to spill my guts, tell her everything. We’d only reconciled yesterday, even if it kind of felt like we never stopped loving each other. As friends. Right, Wilder, get your shit together. She was attracted to me, I could see in the way she was looking at me, that hadn’t changed. But if I moved too fast, she might run. She had every right to, and instead I had to show her that I was the one sticking around. I wouldn’t run.
“Yeah? What makes you think so?” I was curious as hell.
She grinned coyly, and it made me light-headed. Focus on driving, I thought to myself, returning my gaze to the road in front of me.
“I changed my mind, I don’t want to tell you – yet, anyway.” Her response surprised me. Pepper rarely withheld information. It only heightened my curiosity, but I backed off. “I shouldn’t have said anything, it just slipped out.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve changed too.” The remark flipped off my tongue easily, and I tried to rein in the flirtatious note in my voice.
“I have?” She sat up straighter, and I couldn’t tell if she was amused or unsettled by my statement.
“You’re bolder and more confident. You’ve always known who you are, but now, you’re just rocking it.” It was the truth, and I found it was easy to pour this part of my soul out to her, because it didn’t mean I was making a move, and it needed to be said. “You don’t second-guess yourself,” I continued, but when she let out a little noise that sounded like laughter, I glanced in her direction. “What? Is that not true?”
“I second-guessed us being friends just this morning.” My chest tightened at her words.
“And now?”
She sighed, almost happily. “It’s good. Let’s roll with it.” I was filled with so much joy at her words, I almost pulled off to hug her. Just to wrap her in my arms and thank her for having such a fucking big heart. To forgive me and let it be. But instead I nodded and cleared my throat as I turned onto Shadow Lane.
“What else?” she asked. “What else about me has changed?”
I was idling outside her apartment, but I was in no hurry for her to get out. “You’re even more direct. Like that – you wanted to know, so you just asked.” I thought about how to say this. “But you’re also harder to read, for me, at least.”
She leaned back and crossed her arms. “Even though I’m more direct?”
Running a hand through my hair, I nodded. “Yeah, like, you get to the point, but it’s almost intimidating.” I chuckled to myself. Shit, I had changed. I never would have admitted this to anyone, let alone the girl herself, a year ago. “Your emotions aren’t right there, at the surface and easy to see and touch, like they used to be.”
Pepper’s face scrunched up, but, just as I’d said, I couldn’t tell if I’d offended her. It hadn’t been my intention. I was only trying to be more honest with her. With myself. With everyone. It was the only way to have healthy relationships. Still, if I jeopardized this newfound friendship...
She nodded, accepting my words. “Well.” Her voice was hushed. “It seems like we’ve traded places a little bit then, huh?” She opened the door before I could respond but I quickly leaned over the passenger seat to prevent her from closing it.
“Pepper?”
She turned. “Yeah?”
I started to say it, but stopped myself. She narrowed her eyes, somehow sensing that the apology I’d uttered over and over was on the tip of my tongue. But instead, I told her, “Anytime you need a ride back from work, let me know, okay? I’m only doing a few jobs for my dad this summer, so aside from training, I’m usually free.” My social schedule wasn’t what it once was and I was rarely out in the evenings.
“Thanks. Ryan can usually drop me off when he’s working though, and I’ve still got my bike.”
“I’d rather just drive you than have you bike, especially at night.” I didn’t touch the Ryan bit, even though my jealous side was screaming to say something.
“I wear a helmet and I’ve got a light.” She didn’t hide her amusement at my protectiveness. One day back in her life, and I was already trying to tell her what to do. I had to remember my place.
“Okay,” I relented, though it made my chest constrict. It was simply against my nature to let Pepper do something potentially dangerous, like bike at night, without trying to stop her. But I did it anyway.
“Okay?” she echoed dubiously.
“If you’d rather ride your bike than call me for a ride, that’s okay.” It sounded forced, even to my ears.
Sighing, she waved goodbye. “See you later, Jace.”
Was I imagining it, or did she sound disappointed? It didn’t matter, because the sound of her saying my name would never get old. Ever.
Chapter Fourteen
Pepper
I jog to the UC cross course today. I don’t even realize where I’m going until I’m on the course,
running over the grassy knolls through mile one and onto the wide dirt path where the course flattens out for a half mile. It’s strange, running the racing route by myself, without teammates or competitors alongside or spectators and coaches shouting from the sideline. It’s quiet and still, and all I’ve got are my thoughts, which instantly go to whether or not this will be my breakthrough collegiate season. After all, it was my junior year of high school when it all came together for me.
Jace told me I’m bolder and more confident, and that I don’t second-guess myself. When it comes to my interactions with people, he might be right. However, on race days, I might start out positive and upbeat, but it’s a flimsy optimism that crumbles as soon as it’s challenged. And I don’t know how to change that. In this moment, as I let my legs propel me down a hill and leap over a fallen tree, I’m itching to race and test myself. There’s a need in me that won’t go away, that demands to be heard. It wants to find out just how fast I can go, and how hard I’m willing to push myself. I don’t just want to be another great college runner who trained hard and raced well. I want to be the best I can possibly be, and I want to win when it matters the most.
The exhilaration from running settles as I make my way home, channeling that energy and determination into safe-keeping. Now isn’t the time to prove myself. It will come. Instead, my thoughts shift to Jace. One week of friendship with him, and no major issues. Aside from the kiss. Right, so it was more than a kiss. It was… intense. But I’m not thinking about that. Because he’s changed, and in some ways, it’s easier to be friends with the new Jace. He’s not quite as mysterious. He lets me in. And it’s not just me. His vulnerability is more visible to everyone. Yeah, he’s still got that untouchable aura about him, but he’s not afraid to let the world know he’s breakable. He broke. And put himself back together.
But I’m trying not to overanalyze him or us or any of it, and instead I decide it’s time to talk to Wesley. I’m not exactly looking forward to it, but it needs to happen, and it’s a good distraction from everything else going on inside my head. I’ve got the day off from work, and I’d rather not spend the afternoon with my own thoughts. So, after showering and eating lunch, I call Jace to see if I can borrow his Jeep. Having another vehicle to borrow when Gran’s isn’t available is a benefit to being friends with my neighbor again. Jace has an afternoon workout but he can catch a ride with some of his teammates who are already back in Brockton for summer training, though it doesn’t officially start for a few more weeks.
Be bold. Be direct, I chant as I pull into one of Brockton’s fancier neighborhoods and park in the Jamisons’ driveway.
As I approach the front door, Wes opens it with one of his signature lazy smiles and gestures for me to come inside. His laptop is open and papers are spread out all over the kitchen counter.
“Working on something?” I ask.
He scratches the back of his head as he opens the fridge door and hands me water. “Yeah, I’m playing around with some business ideas.”
“Oh?” This is the first I’ve heard of “business ideas.”
He waves off my curiosity. “Just having fun, researching for now. I’ll let you know if it comes to anything.”
“Right.” I scrutinize him, and decide not to push it. Between construction jobs for Jim (his biological dad, which only his parents, me, Jace and Gran know about – oh, and Annie, but she doesn’t count anymore), and spending time with Zoe, he hasn’t been quite the social butterfly he usually is this summer. Zoe never mentioned Wes delving into the business world, and I wonder if she even knows. Maybe this is what he’s doing with his spare time.
“So, what’s up? You said you wanted to talk. You know those words make me nervous.” He hops up on the kitchen counter and takes a sip of water.
“It’s about Zoe,” I tell him. It’s not entirely, but that’s the starting point.
“I haven’t told her yet, or I’m sure you would’ve heard about it.”
“Told her what?”
“About me and Jace. That we’re brothers. How my mom had an affair, and now I have daddy-issues. All that crap.” He says this all so lightly, like we’re talking about puppies and birthday cake.
“Oh. Yeah, I know you haven’t told her. That’s not what I want to talk about.”
He watches me, waiting, and I’m suddenly filled with nervousness. This could be a monumental mistake. What if I ruin everything? The balance in loyalties and friendships and relationships between all of us could so easily shift and slide until it’s a giant mess. Or worse. Until it doesn’t exist at all.
Be bold. Don’t second-guess yourself. Be the Pepper that Jace thinks you are.
“Zoe told me this morning that you guys are going to study abroad together this spring.”
He nods. “Yeah, we both got our acceptance letters to the program a few days ago. It’s good news, Pepper. We’re going to have a blast in New Zealand together. You should come visit.”
Right. With all the extra cash and time I’ve got to travel the world. Zoe’s scholarship covers most of it, but she’s going to have to get loans for the rest. She probably never would have considered it if not for Wes’s influence. But I’m proud of her. Still, this conversation needs to happen.
“Did you know that Zoe still thinks you have feelings for me?” I finally blurt it out. He leans back, mild surprise showing in his expression, but I don’t think it’s because of what I’ve asked. He knows. He’s just surprised I brought it up.
“Is that what she said?” he asks.
“No, she’s never said anything. But I know her, and I know you. And I see you two together. Neither of you have been this way with anyone else. But she doesn’t see it, and you don’t either,” I point out, before getting back on track. “She doesn’t see it because of what Jace said that night at your mountain house. And because of who you were in high school, and because you and I are close, and it’s hard for others to understand that without making assumptions.” I stop myself before I say too much. Maybe I’ve already crossed a few lines, but it needs to get out there, into the open, if two of my best friends are ever going to move forward in their relationship.
“Back up a second. I talked to her about what Jace said. The very next day, I told her it was bullshit, that he was just hurting and lashing out.”
“So, you never had feelings for me?” There it is. Plain and simple. I’m pretty sure I know the truth, but it’s time for Wes to face it head-on. Admit or deny. Either way, he’ll be forced to confront his feelings about Zoe in the end. And that’s why I’m doing this.
“Fuck, Pepper, are we seriously doing this?” He’s off the kitchen counter now, standing in front of me.
“Yeah, Wes, we are. It’s about time, don’t you think?”
He looks away, and runs a hand through his hair in that same way Jace does when he’s frustrated or thinking something through.
“Yeah, Pepper, some of what Jace said that night was true. But not all of it,” he says steadily, never breaking eye contact with me. “Yeah, I was totally in love with you but I moved on. Years ago, okay?”
“How long?” My heart is racing so fast, but I hold still, letting him talk.
He lets out a breath, and with it, a small, tired laugh. “In fourth grade, I told Jace I was going to be your first kiss, and he pushed me so hard I fell over. He told me you would never let me kiss you.” He says this all with a smile; apparently it’s a fond memory for him. “As we all grew up, I think I just saw how Jace looked at you, and knew he’d never admit it. He’d get so mad if I’d tease him about it, so I stopped. But you were special to both of us, and I didn’t know how else to translate that, especially when my best friend totally had it bad. I thought it was the same for me, and Jace and I have always been competitive.”
He lets me absorb those words before continuing.
“He wouldn’t tell you how he felt, even though by the time we hit high school, there’s no way he could keep fooling himself. Maybe I wante
d to push him to do something about it, or maybe I just wanted to piss him off and show him I could beat him at something, but either way, I told him I was going to ask you on a date.”
Raising my eyebrows, I ask, “When was this?”
“Right before my freshman year of high school. I know, we never went on real dates then. Hell, I never did until Zoe. But with you, I told Jace my whole plan to romance you.” Wes grins at me, but he shakes his head when I give him a questioning look. “And there’s no way I’m telling you those plans. But yeah, Jace pretty much flipped his shit about that. He stormed out and wouldn’t talk to me for a week. And I didn’t know what to do. His friendship was more important than getting you to be my girlfriend. So I went over to his house, and Jim answered the door. He knew we hadn’t been talking, and he brought me and Jace into the living room to talk. But he didn’t ask us what we’d been fighting about.”
“He told you he was your dad. That you and Jace are brothers,” I fill in, the pieces fitting like a puzzle. The summer before they started high school, when they found out they were brothers, and when everything changed. We each went to different schools for the first time in our lives, but that wasn’t the reason why we stopped spending all our free time together. I was. At least, I was a part of it.
“And then Jace beat the crap out of me, which I think he’d been wanting to do for a long time.”
“Right,” I breathe out heavily, recalling the fight I’d heard about before. “But then what? The end of your junior year in high school, when you guys started dealing drugs, and then stopped, and Jace and I got together your senior year.” When did you decide you didn’t love me like that? I’m not quite bold enough to ask the question that I really want answered. But Wes knows me well.
“I’m not sure exactly when I realized that I didn’t love you like Jace did. Maybe it wasn’t until senior year, when I stopped being so pissed at him, and recognized that my own feelings were wrapped up in a whole mess of other emotions. I wanted to feel that kind of love, but only because deep down, I knew you reciprocated it for him. And that’s what I wanted. That unconditional, totally untouchable love for another person. You two had it for each other, and I guess I didn’t admit it to myself until the two of you finally admitted it to each other.”
