by Ali Dean
I try to ignore the well of emotions threatening to erupt when he talks about me and Jace and our feelings for each other, and instead, I focus on Wes and his feelings.
“But you do have that, kind of. We all love each other, Wes. We try to make up for the parts of our own families who are missing. And we do a good job, most of the time,” I add with a smirk.
“Yeah, well, I guess I realized that too. And maybe it wasn’t until I met Zoe that I realized what I felt for you wasn’t the same thing.”
“So, you’re saying you love her?” I spell it out for him, and it’s easy to see the question makes him squirm. He hasn’t told her.
“Yeah.” He’s almost mumbling, and I’m tempted to taunt him into saying it louder until I’ve got him screaming that he loves Zoe Burton, but I refrain. “You were the only girl I ever felt close to, who I felt really knew me, before her. I never wanted any of the other girls to know me beyond the fun stuff. But for the first time, I wanted to let someone in, and it got worse the more time I spent with her.”
“You mean better?” Does he even realize how similar he is to his brother in some ways? The Wilder men seriously need to work on this whole opening up thing, beyond just to each other, that is.
“Better, worse. I don’t know. It’s hard letting someone in,” he admits.
“Like I said, you have your own reasons for holding back.”
“I’m not holding back,” he protests. “I mean, look at me, I invited the girl to study with me in a foreign country. That’s a big step. Huge.”
Crossing my arms, I level him with a stare. “You know what I’m talking about. She doesn’t even know where you stand.”
“Well, maybe she should ask.”
“Would you give her a real answer?”
He smiles sadly. “Probably not.”
“I think you should tell her everything you just told me. Clear the air. And that part about how you realized you didn’t have the romantic feels for me? The part where you figured it out because you met her? Really put emphasis on that.”
“When the time is right, I’ll spill all the beans, okay?”
“Yeah, well, I think the time has been right for a while, but I’m going to back out now, and let you take it from here.”
He looks like he wants to say something, but he shakes his head instead.
I’ve got a feeling I know what, or who, he wanted to talk to me about, so I say my goodbyes before he can interrogate me on his brother. It was my day to ask the questions. His turn will come. For now, I’ve got a date with Clayton Dennison to get to.
Chapter Fifteen
Jace
She wasn’t here and I tried to keep it cool. Roland Fowler was one of Pepper’s good friends, and he was throwing a party, which wasn’t a usual occurrence. She should’ve been here. Hell, that was why I was here. Rollie said the party was thrown together last-minute, so she could have other plans, but I didn’t know what they would be, when all of her friends were here. She’d had the day off from work today, ran this morning, and then did some errands with my Jeep. When I got back from my workout, the Jeep was back in my driveway. Pepper never went running late at night, so unless she had big plans with Bunny, I was at a loss.
I’d texted her once and called her once, and I was trying not to bombard her, but I couldn’t stop checking my phone every two minutes.
Her friends didn’t know where she was, either, and that was making me start to worry. I just wasn’t sure whether I was being unreasonable here. I wasn’t her boyfriend. I wasn’t her protector. Her friends didn’t seem worried, so I shouldn’t worry. Right?
When I spotted Zoe standing on the porch outside, I made a beeline for her. She was chatting with Dana Foster and Tina Anderson, two girls who’d always wanted to be friends with Pepper, if only because they thought it would increase their chances of getting to know me. For that reason alone, I didn’t like them. Or trust them.
“Hey Zoe,” I greeted her, ignoring the other girls. “Can we talk alone?” I asked.
Tina and Dana giggled uncertainly before I gave them a pointed glare. They gasped, and then giggled some more, before shuffling away.
“They haven’t changed much,” Zoe commented with amusement. “I’m guessing you want to know where Pepper is?” she asked, giving me a once-over. She wasn’t checking me out, just letting me know she was watching me. Zoe had definitely lost the star-struck demeanor she used to have around me, which was refreshing. I liked that she got all mama bear about Pepper. I even liked that she didn’t trust me. After the shit I had pulled, I wouldn’t trust me either.
“Yeah.” To my amazement, I sounded just as sheepish as I felt. I’d really lost my touch. Clearing my throat, I continued, “We talked earlier today, and she didn’t say anything about plans tonight. I figured she’d be here.”
Zoe shrugged, but the stiffness in her spine told me she was a little perplexed too. “Rollie decided to have people over last-minute. Nothing was going on tonight, and his parents are in Chile or somewhere.” Her eyes darted away from me, gazing out at the expansive backyard.
“I’m worried,” I admitted. Confiding in Zoe wasn’t easy for me to do. She was judging me right now, I could tell. But I had to choke back the urge to hide, and let her see me for what I was. I was terrified as hell to show her my vulnerability, but forged ahead just the same.
“She could be on a date,” Zoe suggested, and the ragged breath she took after saying this told me she was still a little bit nervous around me. She was testing me, feeling me out, and I guess she was trying to be brave too, in a different way. I admired that. She was willing to let go of her perception of me as this untouchable celebrity in order to support Pepper.
“A date, huh?” Assuming she was messing with me, I couldn’t help but smile a little in amusement. She crossed her arms and lifted her chin, making my smile grow. But it vanished with her next words.
“Clayton Dennison’s been trying to get her to go out with him all week. He’s back in town for a few days. My guess is she decided to go after all, and give him a chance. Pepper doesn’t like letting people down.”
“But she didn’t tell anyone? She would have told you, right?”
Zoe shook her head. “Not necessarily. She probably didn’t want me giving her a hard time about it since I’ve been wanting her to go out with guys and she knows how nosy I can be.”
Well, shit. It was like she’d chucked a rock right in the center of my chest. And here I’d thought Pepper and I were finally having a breakthrough, all I’d needed was some time for her to accept it. I was an idiot.
“Oh.” That was all I could manage. The old Jace would’ve moved into action. Yeah, I had confidence then, but I was scared as hell too. I would’ve tried to stop her, made my intentions clear, and I certainly would’ve gone face to face with Clayton. Actions that showed confidence to the world, but were totally rooted in fear. But now? I was the asshole who’d hurt her one too many times, and she was the girl who was stronger than any of us, and certainly smart enough to make her own decisions about who she dated.
The tightness in Zoe’s posture softened, and she actually reached out to touch my arm. “Why’d you fuck up so bad, Jace?” she asked.
My fists clenched at her brutal honesty. She was not making this easy. Not at all.
“You don’t think I should have this conversation with Pepper first?” I wondered. I’d played it out in my head over and over, just waiting for the right time to say it. But she hadn’t given me a chance.
“Why haven’t you?” Zoe challenged.
“I’ve tried. I don’t think she wants to hear it.”
“Yeah, maybe she doesn’t.”
“That means she doesn’t really forgive me, even if she says she does, right?” I’d take any advice I could get, and Zoe surely had some insight.
“There’s a difference between forgiving you as a friend, a guy she’s always considered a part of her family, in a way, and forgiving you, like, wi
th her heart, you know? That sounds cheesy as all hell,” Zoe said with a roll of her eyes. “But maybe what I mean is there’s a difference between forgiveness and trust, and she can trust you to have her back as a friend, but not trust you with her heart. Get what I’m saying?”
Rolling back my shoulders, I nodded. “I get you.” It might have sounded mushy, but there was a bitterness there that screamed truth. “So you think she should see other guys because there’s no hope for her with me?”
“I don’t know anymore, Jace, I really don’t. You are not the same Jace Wilder as before, are you?”
I would’ve liked to tell her I was a changed man, because that was what she wanted to hear. In some ways, I was. It was a complicated question that deserved more than a yes or no answer. “I’ve always been crazy about Pepper, that’s never changed.” Zoe nodded, and I was glad we had that point clarified. “The truth is, I was afraid she’d hurt me, so I hurt her first. And I put on an act, pretended I didn’t care about her feelings and that I wasn’t affected by anything because that’s how I wanted it to be. But that guy who acted like an asshole, he was never really me in the first place, even if I tried really hard to play it that way. I guess I haven’t so much changed as much as I accepted that I’m done being a coward and acting like shit doesn’t get to me, when it really does.”
Zoe crossed her arms and tilted her head thoughtfully. “These are nice words, Jace, but that’s all they are. What if something unexpected happens in your life? A tragedy you don’t expect? Are you going to hook up with Savannah Hawkins this time and send a video of it to Pepper? You’ve shown you’re capable of some pretty cruel stuff, buddy.”
I flinched at her words. Savannah’s obsession with me had put Pepper in serious danger. Savannah had spent her time behind bars, but she was on probation now and in treatment for psychological issues. Still, after I’d kissed Madeline Brescoll, a girl also responsible for hurting Pepper, in front of Pepper for the sole purpose of pushing her away, Zoe’s words were totally warranted.
“I feel like I don’t know that Jace anymore, Zoe.” My voice was quiet, but I hoped she knew I was being honest. “I can’t say I won’t react badly to tragedy, should it happen someday, but I’ve learned that pushing people away isn’t the answer, even if it’s my gut reaction.” I ran a hand through my hair and sighed heavily. “I haven’t even told Pepper this yet, so I can’t believe I’m telling you, but I’ve seen a counselor, and it helped. That’s not the only thing. It didn’t work like a magic wand, but losing Pepper definitely forced me to figure shit out, okay? So yeah, I guess I have changed. Or improved,” I added with one of my old cocky winks, in a vain attempt to lighten the mood here.
Zoe’s lips were pursed in a tight line, and I couldn’t tell if she was about to ream me out or burst into laughter. Instead, she just opened her arms and beckoned me with her hands. “All right, asshole, gimme a hug.”
Startled, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her slight frame.
“You forgive me?” I asked.
Before pulling back, she answered, “Forgive? Yes. Still working on the trust part.”
I’d take it.
Chapter Sixteen
Pepper
When I see Zoe and Jace hugging on the Fowlers’ back porch, I’m immediately uneasy. They totally just had a heart to heart about me, I know it. And what’s worse? It looks like he’s got Zoe on his side now. Spinning back around, I decide I need a moment to gather myself. If they see me, they’ll know I caught them. And I don’t want to have a deep conversation with either of them right now.
The date with Clayton was… okay. I’m not really sure how to characterize it. He wanted to take me out in Brockton, but I didn’t want him driving all the way up here for me because really I was just doing this so he’d get off my back. Well, maybe I want to prove to myself that I can see other guys. Maybe if I have a new boyfriend, I won’t fall for Jace. Yeah, I’m not even going to try to lie to myself. If I’m seeing someone else, things will have to stay platonic between me and Jace. And with Clayton practically begging me to give him a chance, he seems the perfect candidate.
I borrowed Gran’s car and we met at a little French bistro in a town halfway between Denver and Brockton. Amelia’s strange warning echoed a little throughout our dinner date. But really, she wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. If she was trying to hint that his feelings for me weren’t real – that they were based on some high school rivalry with Jace – well, I was already clued in. And though she didn’t come off as petty like Madeline Brescoll or crazy like Savannah Hawkins, I’m aware that plenty of girls hide their jealousy well.
So yeah, we had a nice dinner, and he was really quite the gentleman. It felt all sophisticated, dressing up, having a three-course meal, and chatting about things besides the latest frat party or hook-up scandal. Not that I’d been on any real first dates before, but it felt nice. He walked me to my car, kissed me on the cheek, and that was that. It wasn’t awkward or anything, but it wasn’t exactly electric either.
I know my views on these things are a little unrealistic after Jace, so maybe having that kind of chemistry right away isn’t that important. Jace and I had been friends since we were in diapers, so we were bound to have a different dynamic. And Ryan and I had good chemistry too, but so much of that was because of our shared passion for running and our apparently mutual hero worship of each other’s running résumés. I think that was a little skewed as well.
I want to talk to someone about what I’m feeling, but I’m not sure if Zoe will understand. She saw how I was when Jace broke up with me at the beginning of college, and her biggest priority is protecting me from heartbreak. So the lack of chemistry might make her think Clayton is safe for me, and I’m less likely to get hurt if he dumps me.
Ugh.
This is so confusing.
“Pepper? Are you okay? You are, like, totally spacing out.” Dana Foster’s voice pierces through my haze, and I realize I’m leaning against a wall, completely absorbed in my own head. I can be a real weirdo sometimes.
“Oh, hi Dana.” I stand up straighter, and then see her sidekick, Tina Anderson, is standing beside her. “Hey Tina. How’s it going?” I’ve seen them around a few times this summer, and it’s no surprise they’re here tonight.
Tina and Dana exchange a secretive glance and then they’re tugging my arm and telling me they want to ask me about something. They pull me down the hall until we’re away from the rest of the party.
It’s hard to believe they’ve already heard about my date with Clayton. One of the other reasons I wanted to meet somewhere else was to avoid girls like Dana and Tina hearing about it and bugging me for details. But when Dana opens her mouth, it’s not what I expect.
“So, we were wondering, is anything going on with you and Jace?”
Before I can answer, Tina jumps in. “We know you guys broke up, like, a while ago, but we haven’t heard about him hooking up with anyone else, so we just wanted to make sure before we…” She drifts off and my stomach clenches. Are they kidding me?
“Before you…?” I have to ask. I just can’t help myself.
“You know, see if he wants to have some fun with the two of us tonight?”
A sick feeling washes over me but I regain my composure before giving myself away. Tina and Dana have a reputation, after all, and I shouldn’t be shocked.
“Um, no, we aren’t together, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Do you know if he’s with someone else? Because he really isn’t being very receptive, and I swear, I don’t think he’s hooked up with anyone this summer.”
“Or last!” Tina practically whines. Like Jace is some prize, and it’s his job to keep the college girls in Brockton happy. For the first time, I feel kind of bad for Jace that he has to deal with all this attention. Especially if it’s unwanted, which I really hope is the case.
“I’m not really sure,” I tell them. I’m at a loss about how to h
andle these two. They’ve always driven me nuts with their social climbing agendas, but haven’t they grown up at all since high school? Can’t they see that their questions are insensitive and rude? Or maybe they’re trying to make a point of some sort.
“Look, I’ve got to go,” I say, suddenly overwhelmed. The inside of the Fowler home feels cramped and stuffy and I’m dying to get out of here. I burst through the front doors and before I can think it through, I’m driving back to Shadow Lane and changing into running clothes. Leaving Dave at home, since he already ran with me this morning, I take the bike path, which has some sporadic lighting, better than nothing and an improvement over just my headlamp.
There’s too much panic and confusion coursing through me as I practically sprint down the path. It’s heightened by the guilt I feel for trying to run through it. I haven’t done this in a long time. Running on impulse like this isn’t always healthy, especially at night, and when I’m already on a pretty demanding college training regime. But as I continue to move forward, and my legs find a rhythm in the summer night, my thoughts become less erratic and I begin to feel more centered.
I try to sort through what’s bothering me. I went on a date. With a guy who is really hot, and seems to really like me, even if his interest in the past was a little sketchy. He’s a somewhat famous athlete, so that’s a little disconcerting, but I’ve dealt with this kind of thing before.
Yet, when I told him I didn’t want to meet in Brockton because his fame would attract attention, he seemed pleased by my response. Pleased in a way that said he really likes that he attracts attention. Jace has never been happy about the way he pulls people in and turns heads. He’s good at it, and acts like it doesn’t bother him, but he’d rather be inconspicuous. So yeah, Clayton’s a little different in that way. Plus, when I learned on our date that he played for a AAA team in Austin, Texas last season, he seemed surprised I hadn’t followed his career, and even a little offended. Maybe once you reach that level of fame, you just assume everyone from your hometown is paying attention. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that assumption. Still, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way.
