Complete Works of Stephen Crane

by Stephen Crane

  Still I could not help but be thinking how misfortunate it was that I had kicked a great swordsman out of this inn at Bristol when he might have been a harmless shoemaker if I had only decent luck. I must make the best of it, and for this my only method was to talk loudly, — to myself, if need be; to others if I could. I was not the kind that is quite unable to say a good word for itself even if I was not able to lie as well as my father in his prime. In his day he could lie the coat off a man’s back, or the patches off a lady’s cheek, and he could lie a good dog into howling ominously. Still it was my duty to lie as well as I was able.

  After a time Lord Strepp was announced and entered. Both he and Colonel Royale immediately stiffened and decided not to perceive each other. “Sir,” said Lord Strepp to me, “I have the honour to present my compliments to you, and to request that you join a friend of mine, Mr. Forister, at dawn to-morrow, in the settlement of a certain small misunderstanding.”

  “Sir,” said I, in the same manner, “I am only too happy to have this little matter adjusted.”

  “And of course the arrangements, sir?”

  “For them I may refer you to my friend Colonel Royale.”

  “Ah,” said the young Lord, as if he had never before seen the Colonel.

  “I am at your service, sir,” said Colonel Royale as if he never in his whole life had heard of Lord Strepp.

  Then these two began to salaam one another, and mouth out fool phrases, and cavort and prance and caracole, until I thought them mad. When they departed there was a dreadful scene. Each refused to go through the door before the other. There was a frightful deadlock. They each bowed and scraped and waved their hands, and surrendered the doorway back and forth, until I thought they were to be in my chamber eternally. Lord Strepp gorgeously presented the right of way to Colonel Royale, and the Colonel gorgeously presented the right of way to Lord Strepp. All this time they were bending their backs at each other.

  Finally I could stand it no longer. “In God’s name,” I shouted, “the door is wide enough for the two of you. Take it together. You will go through like grease. Never fear the door. ’Tis a good wide door.”

  To my surprise, they turned to glance at me and burst into great laughter. Then they passed out amiably enough together. I was alone.

  Well, the first thing I did was to think. I thought with all my force. I fancied the top of my skull was coming off. I thought myself into ten thousand intricacies. I thought myself into doom and out of it, and behind it and below it, but I could not think of anything which was of service to me. It seemed that I had come among a lot of mummers, and one of these mummers was resolved to kill me, although I had never even so much as broken his leg. But I remembered my father’s word, who had told me that gentlemen should properly kill each other over a matter of one liking oranges and the other not liking oranges. It was the custom among men of position, he had said, and of course a way was not clear to changing this custom at the time. However, I determined that if I lived I would insist upon all these customs being moderated and re-directed. For my part I was willing that any man should like oranges.

  I decided that I must go for a walk. To sit and gloom in my room until the time of the great affair would do me no good in any case. In fact it was likely to do me much harm. I went forth to the garden in the rear of the inn. Here spread a lawn more level than a ballroom floor. There was a summer-house and many beds of flowers. On this day there was nobody abroad in the garden but an atrocious parrot, which, balancing on its stick, called out continually raucous cries in a foreign tongue.

  I paced the lawn for a time, and then took a seat in the summer-house. I had been there but a moment when I perceived Lady Mary and the Countess come into the garden. Through the leafy walls of the summer-house I watched them as they walked slowly to and fro on the grass. The mother had evidently a great deal to say to the daughter. She waved her arms and spoke with a keen excitement.

  But did I overhear anything? I overheard nothing! From what I knew of the proper conduct of the really thrilling episodes of life I judged that I should have been able to overhear almost every word of this conversation. Instead, I could only see the Countess making irritated speech to Lady Mary.

  Moreover it was legitimate that I should have been undetected in the summer-house. On the contrary, they were perfectly aware that there was somebody there, and so in their promenade they presented it with a distinguished isolation.

  No old maid ever held her ears so wide open. But I could hear nothing but a murmur of angry argument from the Countess and a murmur of gentle objection from Lady Mary. I was in possession of an ideal place from which to overhear conversation. Almost every important conversation ever held had been overheard from a position of this kind. It seemed unfair that I, of all men in literature, should be denied this casual and usual privilege.

  The Countess harangued in a low voice at great length; Lady Mary answered from time to time, admitting this and admitting that, protesting against the other. It seemed certain to me that talk related to Forister, although I had no real reason for thinking it. And I was extremely angry that the Countess of Westport and her daughter, Lady Mary Strepp, should talk of Forister.

  Upon my indignant meditations the parrot interpolated:

  “Ho, ho!” it cried hoarsely. “A pretty lady! A pretty lady! A pretty lady! A pretty lady!—”

  Lady Mary smiled at this vacuous repetition, but her mother went into a great rage, opening her old jaws like a maddened horse. “Here, landlord! Here, waiter! Here, anybody!”

  So people came running from the inn, and at their head was, truly enough, the landlord. “My lady,” he cried panting.

  She pointed an angry and terrible finger at the parrot. “When I walk in this garden, am I to be troubled with this wretched bird?”

  The landlord almost bit the turf while the servants from the inn grovelled near him. “My lady,” he cried, “the bird shall be removed at once.” He ran forward. The parrot was chained by its leg to a tall perch. As the innkeeper came away with the entire business, the parrot began to shout: “Old harridan! Old harridan! Old harridan!” The innkeeper seemed to me to be about to die of wild terror. It was a dreadful moment. One could not help but feel sorry for this poor wretch, whose sole offence was that he kept an inn and also chose to keep a parrot in his garden.

  The Countess sailed grandly toward the door of the hotel. To the solemn protestations of six or seven servants she paid no heed. At the door she paused and turned for the intimate remark. “I cannot endure parrots,” she said impressively. To this dictum the menials crouched.

  The servants departed: the garden was now empty save for Lady Mary and me. She continued a pensive strolling. Now, I could see plainly that here fate had arranged for some kind of interview. The whole thing was set like a scene in a theatre. I was undoubtedly to emerge suddenly from the summer-house; the lovely maid would startle, blush, cast down her eyes, turn away. Then, when it came my turn, I would doff my hat to the earth and beg pardon for continuing a comparatively futile existence. Then she would slyly murmur a disclaimer of any ability to criticise my continuation of a comparatively futile existence, adding that she was but an inexperienced girl. The ice thus being broken, we would travel by easy stages into more intimate talk.

  I looked down carefully at my apparel and flecked a handkerchief over it. I tilted my hat; I set my hip against my harbour. A moment of indecision, of weakness, and I was out of the summer-house. God knows how I hoped that Lady Mary would not run away.

  But the moment she saw me she came swiftly to me. I almost lost my wits.

  “’Tis the very gentleman I wished to see,” she cried. She was blushing, it is true, but it was evident she intended to say nothing about inexperience or mere weak girls. “I wished to see you because—” she hesitated and then rapidly said: “It was about the papers. I wanted to thank you — I — you have no notion how happy the possession of the papers has made my father. It seemed to have given him new
life. I — I saw you throw your sword on the floor with the hilt away from you. And — and then you gave me the papers. I knew you were a gallant gentleman.”

  All this time, I, in my confusion, was bobbing and murmuring pledges of service. But if I was confused, Lady Mary was soon cool enough in the presence of a simple bog-trotter like me. Her beautiful eyes looked at me reflectively.

  “There is only one service I can render you, sir,” said she softly. “’Tis advice which would have been useful in saving some men’s lives if only they had received it. I mean — don’t fight with Forister in the morning. ’Tis certain death.”

  It was now my turn once more. I drew myself up, and for the first time I looked squarely into her bright eyes.

  “My lady,” said I, with mournful dignity, “I was filled with pride when you said the good word to me. But what am I to think now? Am I, after all, such a poor stick that, to your mind, I could be advised to sell my honour for a mere fear of being killed?”

  Even then I remembered my one-time decision to run away from the duel with Forister; but we will not be thinking of that now.

  Tears came into Lady Mary’s eyes. “Ah, now, I have blundered,” she said. “’Tis what you would say, sir. ’Tis what you would do. I have only made matters worse. A woman’s meddling often results in the destruction of those she — those she don’t care to have killed.”

  One would think from the look of this last sentence, that with certain reason I could have felt somewhat elated without being altogether a fool. Lady Mary meant nothing of importance by her speech, but it was a little bit for a man who was hungry to have her think of him. But here I was assailed by a very demon of jealousy and distrust. This beautiful witch had some plan in her head which did not concern my welfare at all. Why should she, a great lady, take any trouble for a poor devil who was living at an inn on money borrowed from a highwayman. I had been highly honoured by an indifferent consideration born of a wish to be polite to a man who had eased the mind of her father. No; I would not deceive myself.

  But her tears! Were they marking indifferent consideration? For a second I lost myself in a roseate impossible dream. I dreamed that she had spoken to me because she —

  Oh, what folly! Even as I dreamed, she turned to me with splendid carriage, and remarked coldly:

  “I did not wish you to suppose that I ever failed to pay a debt. I have paid this one. Proceed now, sir, in your glowing stupidity. I have done.”

  When I recovered myself she was placidly moving away from me toward the door of the inn.

  CHAPTER IX

  I had better be getting to the story of the duel. I have been hanging back with it long enough, and I shall tell it at once. I remember my father saying that the most aggravating creature in life was one who would be keeping back the best part of a story through mere reasons of trickery, although I have seen himself dawdle over a tale until his friends wished to hurl the decanters at him. However, there can be no doubting of the wisdom of my father’s remark. Indeed there can be little doubting of the wisdom of anything that my father said in life, for he was a very learned man. The fact that my father did not invariably defer to his own opinions does not alter the truth of those opinions in my judgment, since even the greatest of philosophers is more likely to be living a life based on the temper of his wife and the advice of his physician than on the rules laid down in his books. Nor am I certain that my father was in a regular habit of delaying a story. I only remember this one incident, wherein he was recounting a stirring tale of a fight with a lancer, and just as the lance was within an inch of the paternal breast my father was reminded, by a sight of the walnuts, that Mickey Clancy was not serving the port with his usual rapidity, and so he addressed him. I remember the words well.

  “Mickey, you spalpeen,” said my father, “would you be leaving the gentlemen as dry as the bottom of Moses’ feet when he crossed the Red Sea? Look at O’Mahoney there! He is as thirsty as a fish in the top of a tree. And Father Donovan has had but two small quarts, and he never takes less than five. Bad luck to you, Mickey, if it was a drink for your own stomach, you would be moving faster. Are you wishing to ruin my reputation for hospitality, you rogue you?”

  And my father was going on with Mickey, only that he looked about him at this time and discovered his guests all upon their feet, one with the tongs and one with the poker, others with decanters ready to throw.

  “What’s this?” said he.

  “The lance,” said they.

  “What lance?” said he.

  “The lance of the lancer,” said they.

  “And why shouldn’t he have a lance?” said my father. “‘Faith, ’twould be an odd lancer without a lance!”

  By this time they were so angry that Mickey, seeing how things were going, and I being a mere lad, took me from the room. I never heard precisely what happened to the lancer, but he must have had the worst of it, for wasn’t my father, seated there at the table, telling the story long years after?

  Well, as to my duel with Forister: Colonel Royale was an extremely busy man, and almost tired my life out with a quantity of needless attentions. For my part, I thought more of Lady Mary and the fact that she considered me no more than if I had been a spud. Colonel Royale fluttered about me. I would have gruffly sent him away if it were not that everything he did was meant in kindliness and generous feeling. I was already believing that he did not have more than one brain in his head, but I could not be ungrateful for his interest and enthusiasm in getting me out to be hurt correctly. I understood, long years afterward, that he and Lord Strepp were each so particular in the negotiations that no less than eighteen bottles of wine were consumed.

  The morning for the duel dawned softly warm, softly wet, softly foggy. The Colonel popped into my room the moment I was dressed. To my surprise, he was now quite mournful. It was I, now, who had to do the cheering.

  “Your spirits are low, Colonel?” said I banteringly.

  “Aye, O’Ruddy,” he answered with an effort, “I had a bad night, with the gout. Heaven help this devil from getting his sword into your bowels.”

  He had made the appointment with Strepp, of course, and as we walked toward the ground he looked at me very curiously out of the ends of his eyes. “You know — ah, you have the honour of the acquaintance of Lady Mary Strepp, O’Ruddy?” said he suddenly and nervously.

  “I have,” I answered, stiffening. Then I said: “And you?”

  “Her father and I were friends before either of you were born,” he said simply. “I was a cornet in his old regiment. Little Lady Mary played at the knee of the poor young subaltern.”

  “Oh,” said I meanly, “you are, then, a kind of uncle.”

  “Aye,” said he, “a kind of uncle. So much of an uncle,” he added with more energy, “that when she gave me this note I thought much of acting like a real uncle. From what I have unfortunately overheard, I suspect that the Earl — aw — disagrees with you on certain points.”

  He averted his face as he handed me the note, and eagerly I tore it open. It was unsigned. It contained but three words: “God spare you!” And so I marched in a tumult of joy to a duel wherein I was expected to be killed.

  I glanced at the Colonel. His countenance was deeply mournful. “’Tis for few girls I would become a dove to carry notes between lovers,” he said gloomily. “Damn you for it, O’Ruddy!”

  “Nay, Colonel,” said I. “’Tis no missive of love. Look you!”

  But still he kept his eyes averted. “I judge it was not meant for my eyes,” he said, still very gloomy.

  But here I flamed up in wrath:

  “And would the eye of an angel be allowed to rest upon this paper if it were not fit that it should be so?” I demanded in my anger. “Colonel, am I to hear you bleat about doves and lovers when a glance of your eye will disabuse you? Read!”

  He read. “‘God spare you!’” he repeated tenderly. Then he addressed me with fine candor. “Aye, I have watched her these many years, O
’Ruddy. When she was a babe I have seen her in her little bath. When she was a small girl I have seen her asleep with some trinket clasped in her rosy hand on the coverlet. Since she has been a beautiful young lady I have — but no matter. You come along, named nobody, hailing from nowhere; and she — she sends me out to deliver her prayer that God may spare you!”

  I was awed by this middle-aged sorrow. But, curse him! when she was a babe he had seen her in her little bath, had he? Damn his eyes! He had seen the baby naked in her tiny tub? Damn his eyes again! I was in such a fury that I longed to fight Royale on the spot and kill him, running my sword through his memory so that it would be blotted out forever, and never, never again, even in Paradise, could he recall the image in the little tub.

  But the Colonel’s next words took the rage out of me.

  “Go in, O’Ruddy,” he cried heartily. “There is no truer man could win her. As my lady says, ‘God spare you!’”

  “And if Forister’s blade be not too brisk, I will manage to be spared,” I rejoined.

  “Oh, there is another thing touching the matter,” said the Colonel suddenly. “Forister is your chief rival, although I little know what has passed between them. Nothing important, I think, although I am sure Forister is resolved to have her for a bride. Of that I am certain. He is resolved.”

  “Is he so?” said I.

  I was numb and cold for a moment. Then I slowly began to boil, like a kettle freshly placed on the fire. So I was facing a rival? Well, and he would get such a facing as few men had received. And he was my rival and in the breast of my coat I wore a note—”God spare you!” Ha, ha! He little knew the advantages under which he was to play. Could I lose with “God spare you!” against my heart? Not against three Foristers!