by Lindsay Becs
“Don’t be sorry. You did nothing wrong. And you asked because that’s what we did. When you were upset, hell even when you weren’t, you’d ask for a story and I’d tell you one on the nights I could sneak away to see you.”
“Oh.”
I smile at her then. She’s a mess with puffy eyes, runny nose, and hair all over the place, but she’s never looked more beautiful to me. “Did you see the shooting star earlier?”
“Yes.”
“A shooting star is a small part of a rock that travels through the atmosphere while burning. If it’s large enough, it’s called a meteoroid. The path of a meteoroid that survives passage through the atmosphere and reaches the earth is then called a falling star. You’ve been my shooting star since I first saw you again, burning a path to my heart. But the second you knew who I was tonight, I knew you survived the passage, falling with me and crashing into my heart all over again.”
I chance a look at her to see her eyes filled with tears again. I know I need to give her space to work out everything that’s happened tonight. I take a step toward the door but turn to ask, “Do you still have my number?” She nods, unable to speak. “Call me, no matter the time, if you need me.” I open the door to leave her with my heart, but look at her one last time. “Goodnight, Moon.”
I walk back to the motel and lie in bed for hours thinking about everything: tonight, her, our past. I want so much to believe we can have a future, but after tonight, I’m not so sure. I guess I can’t be too upset though; she does seem to be doing well and has made a life for herself. There’s a peace and calm I feel knowing she’s happy.
Moon: 10 years old/Endy: 13 years old
“Why do you keep your clothes on when we go into the pink room but I have to take mine off?”
Her question surprises me. I cough, being caught off-guard. But I shouldn’t be. She’s smart as a whip.
“It’s what Zeus wants. It might change though.” I answer her honestly. I try to look everywhere but at her when we step into that room. I hate it. I hate him. I hate everything he makes me do. But after the last time I tried to protect her, he locked me up for three days and she didn’t get fed along with me. I’d gladly take the beating for her, but not when she gets punished, too. She doesn’t deserve worse than she already gets.
“I don’t really mind. I was just wondering.” She shrugs like it’s the most normal thing.
“Moon, it’s not really OK though.”
“What do you mean? I do everything he says.” I can tell she’s about to cry and I don’t mean to upset her, but I want to attempt to teach her right from wrong. No matter how messed up that may seem.
“Zeus, he’s not a good man. He does really bad things and uses us and the others to do them. People pay to see pictures and videos of naughty things. Those people are bad, too. You shouldn’t let others see you naked. Do you understand?”
“But if I don’t listen, he hurts me.”
“I know.” I let out a puff of air. “We’re all trapped here. It’s an endless circle of evil. But you’re good, Moon. I don’t want you to forget that. Always know you didn’t do anything wrong. He did. OK?” She nods her head, but I don’t think she understands. “You know I’ll protect you as best I can, right?”
“I know. You always do. And you bring me books and extra food and batteries when my flashlight goes out. And you brought me Sadie,” she says, beaming up at me while she holds the pathetic attempt I had at making her a doll. You would have thought I bought her a china doll instead of stuffing a sock with cotton, drawing a face, and tying on a cape made from my shirt sleeve. I shake my head at the stupid thing she loves so much.
“Endy, what happens when we both have to be naked?”
“We pray to the moon and stars that he doesn’t ruin us.”
“I love you, Endy.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
The sun is just beginning to break when I give up on sleep. Pulling on my boots, I decide to walk to clear my head. I don’t get far though.
My Moon is sitting at the bottom of the staircase leading to her door, wrapped in a blanket, holding a mug between her hands.
“Are you really that cold?” I ask, making her jump, my voice sounding much louder than intended with the silence of the early morning around us.
“I’m sweating actually, but it makes me feel comforted and helps me relax.”
“Then why not go inside where it’s cooler?”
“I like the smell of the bakery when they start baking this time of day.”
“Couldn’t sleep either, huh?”
“You are asking a lot of questions for this early hour.”
I let out a chuckle and see it makes her smile. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. Do you want to sit?” she asks, nodding toward the steps.
I give a curt nod before I take a seat on a step a few below her, not wanting to invade her space more than I already am. “You doing alright? After last night?”
“More questions….”
“Can’t help myself. I worry about you. Always have.”
“I’ve been trying to figure out what set me off last night, but I have no idea.”
“If you’d just remembered me right before you saw me, I’m sure it was a lot.”
“I guess,” she sighs. “I just hate not remembering my own life, you know? I wish I never forgot.”
“You really don’t remember anything?”
She slowly shakes her head with pursed lips. “Not a thing. Until you. It’s just blank.”
“It’s for your own protection. Your mind’s way of taking care of you, shielding you from the ugly and keeping the monsters away.”
“I know. But it still sucks. Sometimes I want to know everything so I’d understand why I do certain things. But other times I think why? I must have blocked it out because it was pretty bad.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I stay quiet.
“Endy?” My heart skips a beat at hearing her call me that again after all these years. “I know you were good to me. I know I loved you, love you. I can feel it still. It was overwhelming last night, how all the feelings came rushing back. I just don’t know how to go forward. But if you can be patient with me, I’d like to keep in touch even after you leave again.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She smiles at me as she scoots down to the same step where I’m sitting and leans her head on my shoulder. I lean my cheek on top of her head, and it’s like no time has passed.
I love her still just as much now as I did twelve years ago. She might not be 100% my Moon yet, but she’s getting there. She’ll come back to me. I can feel it.
9
Selene
Little Bird fly away
Find a way to stay away
Go far, go free
But I know you’ll never leave
“He came back,” Tara says the second she sees Tavin, or should I say, Endy, sitting in the same booth he occupied before. “I don’t know if I like him.”
“Why?” I ask with confusion toward my only friend.
“I just don’t get it. He obviously doesn’t live around here and just met you a few weeks ago, but he came back here to this little shitty town to see you again. No offense, but that’s weird. It screams creep.”
“He’s not like that,” I say quietly, stealing a glance his way.
“But how do you know? Not like you know him.”
I don’t answer her because I do know him. I just don’t remember everything yet. But I know I don’t have to worry about him. I know he’ll keep me safe and take care of me, not hurt me. I know that he harbors the same sadness in his eyes that I have in mine. A mind and body filled with years of terror from a monster. The only difference is my mind locked it away from me, whereas he still knows and lives the nightmares we endured every day.
I watch as his rough hands hold his mug of coffee. He’s hunched over it as he stares out the window to his right, and I wonder
if he’s thinking about those monsters now. His full, dark brows pull together, making his blue eyes squint. His face is covered with a dark beard, but up close I can tell he’s handsome. His equally dark hair hangs in his eyes. I wonder why he shields his face so much. Is it for his own protection? I want to push and cut all the hair away so I can see him. Truly see him.
“Oh shit, you do know him, don’t you?” Tara accuses as I stand here staring.
I bite my lip with nerves of admitting that to her, but I know I can trust her. I look at her then, now biting back a smile and nod my head.
“Fuuuuck…” She sighs. “Did he hurt you? Before?”
I shift uncomfortably from foot to foot. Although I don’t remember what happened exactly, I’ve been told through the years some of the evidence the police found and accounts from the others that were also held captive.
“No,” I say sternly, not liking that she is thinking badly of him and feeling a deep need to protect and defend him. “He took care of me. I loved him.”
“Oh,” she says surprised, her eyes widening. “Wow.”
I drop my head then, looking at my feet. “I still don’t remember much, but memories are starting to come back, him being the first.”
“That’s incredible, Sel!” She throws herself at me and hugs me tight. “I’m happy for you. But go slow. And if you need to talk or whatever, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks, Tara.”
“Go sit with him. Take the day. I’ll cover you.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Sel, you’ve never taken a day off since you started. Plus, we aren’t even busy. Go.”
I hesitantly walk to where Tavin is sitting and plop down across from him. He smiles at me when I finally look up at him. My stupid cheeks burn red, making him chuckle then.
“Stop it.” I fight back a smile, throwing a napkin at him, only making him laugh harder. I shake my head and roll my eyes.
“Sorry,” he says, fighting to stop his laughter. But really, I want him to laugh all the time because the sound is like music I feel all the way to my core.
“So, Tara told me to take the day off. Do you, um, want to, uh, do something?”
“Yes,” he answers simply but confidently.
“Do you mind if I go home and change first?”
He shakes his head, staring at me like I’m not real. “Do you want me to stay here or, uh, go with you?
I stand to go and hold out my hand for him. “Come with me.”
He smiles big again, taking my hand in his, standing and following me out of the café. We walk silently, hand in hand down the street to my apartment. It’s the most comfortable I’ve felt in my own skin since I was found. It’s the strangest, yet best feeling ever.
He closes the door behind us once we get inside my apartment. I throw a small smile over my shoulder, dropping his hand and walking toward my single bedroom. “I’ll be just a minute. Make yourself at home.”
TAVIN
I’m trying my best not to let her see how nervous I am. When she reached her hand out for me to take and held mine the entire walk here, I thought for sure she felt my trembling body next to hers. As nervous as I am though, my heart has swelled from getting to spend the rest of the day with her. She seems lighter, more confident, and happy to spend time with me, too.
I sit in her only chair in the living space of her small apartment, crossing my ankle over my knee as I try to relax and calm down while I wait for her. I notice a notebook sitting open on the side table next to me. Then I see my name written. Or I should say Endy written.
I know that I shouldn’t invade her privacy. I know I should leave it alone. But I can’t. My fingers twitch to feel it. The way she wrote my name. I want to feel everything because everything she does, everything that comes from her, is magically beautiful. I reach out then, not able to stop my fingers from tracing the four letters of my name, the name only she calls me, that’s written in her perfect script.
My heart expands and beats harder when I see then what she’s written under it.
Cinnamon.
Protector.
Friend.
Comfort.
Home.
Love.
“What are you doing?” I jump at hearing the anger and accusation in her voice. The love and affection from earlier are now gone.
“I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to intrude. I swear I didn’t read anything other than this page that was open.”
“That’s not for you to read.” She snatches the book from the table, snapping it closed and holding it tight to her chest to protect it from me.
“I only did because I saw my name. I swear I didn’t read anything else.” I hold my hands up in surrender.
Then I see a single tear fall down her cheek, and my swollen heart from a minute ago deflates. “Moon, look—”
“My name is Selene.” She cuts me off harshly, squeezing her eyes shut. Shutting me out.
I take a deep breath, running my hands through my hair and squeezing the back of my neck. “I’ll go. I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t want to hurt you. Not anymore. Not ever again,” I say, walking to the door and closing it behind me, putting a barrier between us.
I spend the rest of the daylight hours walking the streets of the town, lost in my mind and memories. Maybe it was a mistake to come back here. I should have left her alone. She has my number if she wants to reach out. I pushed too much, and now I’m going to lose her all over again.
Those memories of the first days, weeks, months after we left his grasp and each other were the hardest and worst of my life. And that’s saying something considering all the horrendous things I had to live through before. Being without my Moon to light up my world, I was left in darkness I didn’t know how to get out of. She was the sole reason I’d lasted and lived as long as I had. I’m sure I would have been dead, whether from his hand or my own, if not for her. She saved me in so many ways and has no idea.
I’d gladly take every beating for her somewhat saved innocence all over again and ten times worse if it meant keeping my night’s light safe from him. Bile turns in my stomach when I think about how fucked up it all was. I pray to every star in the sky every night that I don’t have any of that monster in me.
When the warmth of the sun starts to set, I make my way back to the motel. I do as I do every night and light the only cigarette I allow myself each day, hoping it’ll help calm all the nerves raging my body. I hate that it’s a vice I picked up from him. I cup my hand over the flame to light my hope for calm. Once the venom fills my lungs, I close my eyes and let it burn my insides, punishing myself for liking anything that reminds me of him.
I release the smoking air into the night and lean over the rail with my head hung in shame. I don’t deserve to look at the stars that comfort me, the stories that come to life in them. Just like I don’t deserve her and her light.
But when I open my eyes, they find a lone figure standing below me in the concrete where our lives collided the night before. Even cloaked in the dark of night, she’s beautiful.
My legs move on their own accord, pulling me toward her. I can’t stay away when she’s so close.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers when I’m just in ears reach.
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I invaded. I didn’t mean to. But I’m sorry.” I toss the barely used cigarette to the side as my feet close the distance between us.
Both of us reach out our hands until they are laced together, palms touching, eyes locked. There’s an electric shock that bolts through me whenever I touch her. A thunder that rumbles, clanging in the perfection of us.
“Tell me about us.”
“Mo… Selene, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“I want to know. I want to remember. At least the good parts. Will you please come back and tell me?”
“Are you sure?”
“No. But I need to know more. I have a pull to you that I can’t deny, and it scares me as
much as it shoots through me like a current of electric excitement.”
“Yeah?” I smirk.
“Yeah.”
I nod toward the direction of her apartment, reluctantly drop one of her hands and walk to her home.
Once there, she puts on the kettle for tea. I watch her like I have every time since I’ve found her. She still looks so young, yet older than her age. She’s yet to smile fully, lighting up her eyes again. I hope maybe by some miracle I can make that happen tonight.
“Tell me what you remember,” I say when she sets down two mugs of hot tea.
“Not much.”
“It’s OK. Just tell me what you do.”
“OK…” She sighs, settling cross-legged on the floor. “I remembered you telling me about the Big Dipper after you drew it on your receipt the first time you came in. I remember you brushing my hair in a weird pink room with a big mirror and a speaker box. I remember you kissing me and us saying goodbye. You told me my real name.” She pauses, her cheeks turning pink as she keeps her eyes on her lap. “And you told me your name and that you loved me and we’d find each other when the time was right.”
Silence.
We both sit silently as the seconds and minutes tick by, each of us figuring out if the right time is now.
I clear my throat, forcing the silence away then. “Do you hate me?” I can’t help but ask, my heart needing to know.
“What? How could you think that?”
“You might after I tell you the things that happened.”
She shakes her head. “No. All I remember and feel is protection and love toward you.”
“I’m the one who pushed you in the car that day.”
“What day?”
“The day you were taken. I was there. I’m the one who pushed you in, laid on top of you to keep you down and covered your mouth to keep you from screaming.” I hang my head; this time it’s me that can’t bear to look at her. “But fuck. The way your eyes filled with tears but you fought them back to be strong.” I clench my jaw, hating this. “You looking into my eyes in those first minutes and I knew…I knew that you were mine, not his. I knew you trusted me for whatever reason and that I had to take care of you.”
