by Lindsay Becs
“I don’t hate you. I trusted—trust you.”
I huff out a laugh. “I don’t know why. I didn’t then and I still don’t know why now. You have every reason to hate me.”
“Stop saying that. I can’t explain it. It’s just a feeling. I know that I know you, love you, trust you. I have to trust myself enough that those feelings are real, and I do.”
“Fine. What do you want to know?” I ask, feeling agitated and not understanding why.
“I want to know about us. I want you to tell me about how we fell in love.”
I reel back in shock, not expecting that. I meet her eyes then. “Moon…”
“Please? Tell me about us. I want to know. I need to know.”
10
Moon
The grass is greener on the other side
Do you promise it’s not a lie?
I want to kiss the golden rays
Feel the glory of all its ways
“OK…” He takes a deep breath before starting, closing his eyes like he’s going back in time. I close my eyes with him, wanting to feel everything he says. I want to unlock memories that have been abandoned for far too long.
“You were seven and I was ten when Zeus, my father, took you. You were the first, which is why you were kept in the cellar and not with the others. At first, I hated that you were there, but over the years I was grateful. The ones in the house had it worse than you, being so close to him.” A shiver runs through me thinking about what he implies. “By you being out there, I could sneak out to you at night, bring you food and things, and he didn’t know. He never went out there to you. He always made me bring you to the house when he wanted you. In a twisted way, it made you safer there. But it was dark and cold. I brought you extra blankets when I could and a flashlight. You hated the dark. I couldn’t sit with you every night, but I did whenever I could. Especially on the nights after…” He trails off for a second, lost in his own thoughts. I open my eyes and see his eyes still closed, brows furrowed and pain marring his face.
“I made you a stupid doll out of an old sock not long after you were there.” He chuckles to himself. “You loved that ugly thing.”
“Wait.” I stand and walk to my room, pulling out the box of all the things I keep secret. I carry it out to where he’s sitting, looking confused. I open the box, my fingers trembling, and pull out the dirt-stained, torn fabric. “Sadie,” I whisper.
His eyes go wide in surprise looking at the sorry excuse for a doll that I loved so much. “How?” he asks, his mouth still hanging open in shock.
“I… I don’t know. I hid it. Kept it in here since. They took it from me at the hospital, but I guess I threw a fit about it so they gave it back. I never let it go until I went to the group home. My mom tried for years to get me to throw it away, but I wouldn’t let her and I’d lash out whenever she tried to take it from me. I guarded it with my life.”
“I can’t believe you still have it.”
“Of course, I do. You gave it to me.” I smile at him, reverently holding my doll as a small piece of memory comes back.
“I’m in shock right now. Wow.”
“Now that I’ve revealed a secret to you, keep going.”
He shakes his head, shock still evident, before continuing. “During the nights that I’d come to see you, we’d sit under the night sky and look at the stars. I always loved astrology, and one of the few books I had was a book about star constellations and Greek Mythology. I would tell you the stories of the stars. You could read a little and do really simple addition and subtraction when you first got there. I didn’t know much more than you. He made me drop out of school the year after we took you. But I tried to help you remember as much as you could and learn a little more by bringing you a few books to read. You counted the days you stayed there every day. Said it helped keep your mind clear.” He pauses and smiles at me. “You were so smart. Still are, I’m sure.”
“I had a tutor for a couple years to help me catch up on basic learning. I can read alright and do basic math. I’m not that smart.” I shake my head.
“Smartest girl I know.” I feel my cheeks blush from his compliment. “Anyway, I tried my best to give you as much as I could but being only three years older and living with him, in fear of everything, it was hard at times.”
“He hurt you,” I say, feeling the pain under his words.
He meets my eyes then. “He hurt both of us.”
We sit in quiet stillness, letting those words sink in, feeling them for what they are and what they mean.
“Look,” he starts again, squeezing the back of his neck. “There’s a lot that happened during those years. I don’t want to drudge up memories that are better left in the dark.”
“I’m sorry. It was insensitive of me to ask you to tell me things that were bad for you, too. I’m asking you to relive and retell what I’m sure you’d rather forget. I’m sorry. That was stupid of me.”
“No. It’s not stupid. But it is hard to talk about it. I don’t. I haven’t. Ever.”
“Ever?”
He shakes his head. “Ever. Not since I left.”
“Do you, uh, want to?”
“With you?”
“Well, yeah. But also, someone else. I, uh, see someone.” I feel my cheeks heat. I’ve never felt embarrassed about seeing a therapist until now.
“A shrink?”
“Dr. Greer is my therapist here. She’s really great. Not pushy. She, uh, kinda knows about you.” I feel my whole face flame then.
He smirks at my admission. “Oh yeah? What’d you tell her about me?”
“That you’re different.”
“She’d probably have me arrested.”
“What? No! She wouldn’t do that. Why would you say that?”
“Because, Mo… Selene. I’m guilty of hurting you, taking you, just as much as he was.”
“No! You didn’t hurt me. You protected me. I know you did.”
“Not always,” he says quietly, looking down now, regret covering his face.
“What do you mean?” I hesitantly ask.
“I don’t want to tell you! It was bad enough living it once; please don’t make me hurt you all over again.” he yells, standing and pacing back and forth in my small space.
“Please?” I plead. “I need to know what you mean. I have to remember.”
He shakes his head. “Fuck! Why does it still feel like a fresh wound?”
“Did you rape me?” The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. I see the way they slap him across the face.
“No! I always tried to do what he said without hurting you. I always tried to shield you. I hated it. I hated what he made me do. I hated what he did. I hated him. I hate him still. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He rambles on and on, going quiet at the end, his back hitting my door as he slides down.
I feel my body shiver and shake, taking in what he just confessed. “But he did.” He nods his head as it hangs low. “But I know you didn’t hurt me.”
“How can you say that?” He sounds so broken and torn.
“I can feel it. I have this pull toward you. This thing that I can’t explain. I don’t trust people, especially men, but since that first day when you walked into the café, I couldn’t help but feel like I could trust you. It was like I knew you my whole life and loved you before I even knew anything about you. I’m tied to you. I feel you. Everything about you I feel.”
He stands up slowly then, catching my eyes once again, and walks the short distance to where I’ve stood up from the floor. He stands in front of me, searching me for lies, for truth, for things I don’t understand. His hand rests on my cheek, his thumb swiping a falling tear away before sliding back into my hair. He pulls me closer to him still. Our chests brushing, our hearts beating against one another, our breaths mixing, our eyes locked, and our souls tethered together.
And then he kisses me.
It’s short. Too short. But it’s soft and sweet and leaves me
wanting so much more. More of him, more of his lips, more of everything about him.
“Kiss me again,” I whisper in the quiet of us.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
And he does.
He kisses me again. His lips on mine feel like home. His beard scratches and tickles and I love it. His one hand in my hair keeps my mouth on his and his other hand seeks out my hip, pulling me against his body. My hands stay lax at my sides, not knowing what to do, but not wanting him to stop any of it. He kisses me deeper, harder. My mouth opens, welcoming him in like it’s something we’ve always done together. Our mouths turn into a frenzy of tongues and teeth, nips and licks. My mouth is moving and kissing, but my body stays still, unmoved from where I stand pulled against him.
And he notices. He pulls away in a rush. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I say, blushing.
“I should go.” He suggests, stepping back and away from me more.
“You don’t have to.”
“But I should. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Alright,” I say, feeling defeated and deflated.
But he’s already out the door before I even said the word, leaving me alone and feeling empty without him. Curling up on my bed, I fall asleep, needing time to process everything that happened since last night.
Moon: 13 years old/Endy: 16 years old
I close my eyes and grit my teeth through the pain. Hands gripping the sheet beneath me. Tears fall from the corners of my eyes. I will them to stop, but they won’t.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Endy whispers over and over into my ear as his hard rod pushes against me.
I know he is. I know that the only reason he does any of it is because of him. I don’t hate Endy. If anything, I’m glad that it’s him and not Zeus or one of the other boys. There have been times when I hear the screams from the others. Those are the nights when nightmares find me in my sleep.
“Stop!” Zeus yells through the speaker.
Endy freezes over me, his body pressed to mine, hurting just enough to crush me. Then he stands up and relief rushes through me. I know it is going to get worse, but for now, I’m glad for the reprieve. I lay there unmoved, naked, crying, but thankful for the minute to regroup.
“Do I need to show you how to do it, son? Be a man, not a pussy. Show that cunt who’s boss.”
“No,” Endy says through gritted teeth. And I know his defiance is going to destroy us both. “I’m not doing this,” he says, this time finding his voice more as he talks back to the monster behind the glass.
Endy had warned me a week ago that since my body was changing and I started bleeding, I was becoming a woman and Zeus would want me to start doing more than just dancing and playing. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a year ago he had me touch myself when Endy wasn’t around. But now, now I wish all of it would end. I don’t want to be a woman. I don’t want to be here. I want it all to end.
It’s silent as my protector and the monster that rules us have a stand-off through the glass that saves us from seeing his evil face.
“Do I need to show you how to take from a woman?” His rough voice turns to a sinister laugh, making me want to throw up as I lie here with fear.
“You won’t touch her!” Endy yells, breathing heavy, anger radiating through him.
He looks over at me on the bed, still unmoved, and I meet his eyes as another tear falls onto the cotton below me. His eyes are pleading with me to understand, to forgive him, to not hate him. But he doesn’t understand that I’d never hate him. Only the monster watching. I give him a small nod letting him know it’s alright.
When he walks back to the bed, he pulls my shoulder so that I turn over onto my back then, looking up at him. He kisses my hand softly, his eyes closed tight. He slowly leaves a trail of kisses up my arm. My heart has settled some from his quiet softness. I try to focus only on him. But then the door slams open hitting the wall behind it. We both jump as we’re pulled from our own quiet minds.
Zeus.
It’s the first time I’ve seen him since the day I was taken, and even then, I didn’t really see his face. The smell of cigarettes fills the room, turning my stomach sour. Tears fill my eyes again, but I fight to keep them back, not wanting him to see.
“Move, boy,” he says to Endy, who’s now standing in front of the bed like a guard. I keep my eyes on his shoulders that have filled out with muscles. He’s the strongest person I know.
“No,” Endy seethes, unmoved.
Zeus rushes him, grabbing him by the neck and pushing him down onto the bed next to me. I move fast, my back hitting the wall, pulling my knees up to my chest. Endy is struggling to breathe, and I can’t seem to find my voice to scream for him or will my body to move to protect him.
“You can’t do anything right, just like your whore of a mother,” Zeus says into Endy’s reddening face as Endy swings his arms to hit him off, but it does nothing to move him. After a few seconds, Zeus lets go of his neck and punches him in the side. A yelp escapes me, drawing Zeus’s focus.
While Endy is on his side trying to catch his breath, Zeus grabs my ankle, pulling me down the bed to him.
“Don’t you fucking touch her!” Endy yells around a cough, hitting Zeus then. They scuffle for a minute before another man casually walks in, pulling Endy back by his arms. Zeus hits him again and again, blood spraying everywhere. And I still can’t seem to will my voice or my body to work.
“Get him the fuck out of here!” Zeus yells as Endy continues kicking and yelling while being dragged out of the room.
The door closes then, leaving me and Zeus alone. I can hear Endy hitting and kicking the door and yelling from the other side, but I know he’s not getting back in. It’s only me and the monster now.
I hear him unbuckle his belt, and then I turn off my mind. My small body letting him do what he wants in order to save both Endy and myself. I can’t protect him any other way.
My mind clears when I realize that Endy is carrying me back to the dark, cold cellar, gently placing me on the sleeping bag on the ground. He places a soft kiss on my forehead before he turns to leave.
“Endy?” my small voice calls. He stops but doesn’t turn to face me in the dark. I know it’s because he hates himself right now. “Can you stay with me?” I ask.
He shakes his head, not saying anything for a minute. “I’ll come back later. I need to be alone right now.”
“You promise to come back?”
“I promise. I just need some time.”
When the cellar door closes and locks behind him, all the tears I forced to stay in begin to fall. I cry until I fall asleep, only waking when darkness falls over the entire sky and Endy comes back like he had promised. He brought me extra water and a peanut butter sandwich. He also brought a sad smile that brakes my heart.
“Tell me a story,” I say around a bite of sandwich.
“Andromeda was the daughter of a king and queen. She was beautiful. The sea nymphs were threatened by her beauty and claimed to Poseidon, the sea king, that she boasted of her beauty being more than theirs. To appease the gods and nymphs, Poseidon chained Andromeda to a rock and left her for a sea monster to kill her. But Perseus found her and saved her. They were married, and their stars are next to each other in the sky for eternity.”
“I want to be like them,” I tell him, looking up into the star-filled sky. “I want you and me to stay next to each other, stars in the sky for eternity like Andromeda and Perseus.”
“How can you say that?” he asks me when I lean against him.
“Because you tried to saved me today like you do every day. I know it hurts you as much as me, but I trust you, Endy. I always have and I always will.”
He kissed the top of my head then. “I’ll gladly be your Perseus; you’re already my Andromeda.”
“I love you, Endy.”
“You shouldn’t, Moon.”
“I swear on the moon and stars I alw
ays will.”
I wake up needing, wanting to see him again. I have so many feelings running through me that I can’t explain. I just know that I need to get to him now. It’s like a fissure, cracking through to me, the real me that’s been hidden away. I pull on my shoes and run to his motel, not caring who sees or hears me.
All I care about is reaching him. He’s all I see. All I feel. All I want.
The once brave girl who’s been locked away is ready to light a fire in the cold darkness that’s surrounded her for far too long. She’s ready to let go and explode like a thousand stars, lighting up the night sky.
And I’m ready to wake her up and let her free.
11
Endy
When I kissed Moon, nothing had ever felt better in my whole life. Felt so perfect, so right. I felt like I could breathe again after suffocating for so long. It only shined more light on the fact that I need her, want her, and can’t live without her.
But when she stood there, unmoved with the exception of her mouth, I couldn’t ignore the old feeling returning. Memories of the past from when she’d shut off and let her body be used in the ways she was instructed to, forced to. I could taste the sourness of the past catching up to the sweet taste of the present and future.
I hate, fucking hate, that he’s still between us. It seems like he’ll never leave us alone. We’ll never be able to fully get away from the monster that haunts us.
I’ve been pacing my motel room for hours trying to sort out the best way to move forward. I want Moon, but I can’t keep going back. I have to move forward. I barely survived it the first time. I don’t think I can live through it again in memories, in words.
