by Lindsay Becs
My tired body slides to the floor, and before long exhaustion takes me and I fall asleep. But sleep is becoming my favorite time because that’s when my memories of Endy come back.
15
Endy
All the things I’d thought of myself, feared, and knew to be true hit at once. I knew meeting Moon’s parents would be difficult and telling them who I was, even more so. I wanted to do that for her, but being there with her mother’s judgmental eyes ready to throw me in jail and her father who hardly stood up for his daughter, I couldn’t take it any longer.
Did they have a right to feel the way they did about me? Absolutely. Hell, they went easy on me. But Moon? She doesn’t deserve any of the anger and animosity they give her. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She never did. Her only fault was falling in love with me. Her mother wasn’t mistaken in calling me a monster. I am in my own way.
I’m sure I could have done more to help her over the years. I know I failed her at times. I should have gotten her out sooner. Did I wait so long because I didn’t want her to leave me? Maybe. But the second I heard him talk about killing her, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer, and I got her the hell out of there. Do I wish I’d done it sooner? For her sake, yes, but for mine, no.
Fuck, I am a monster.
I’m not going to leave her here. I’ll go back in the morning and take whatever they throw at me. I’ll get my girl and take her home. But then I need to leave and put space between us. Not for forever, but long enough for us to do this right. I took her from her family once; I don’t intend on doing that a second time, no matter how much I don’t like them. They may have a weird way of showing it and I may not understand it, but I know they love her. They’d be crazy not to.
For tonight, I’m sleeping in the rental car we drove up here. I moved it down the street and parked it there, close enough to still see the house but far enough away that they can’t see me. I can’t stay far from her. Not when I know she’s hurting. She nearly broke me hearing her screaming at me not to leave her. I promised her I wouldn’t and I’m not, but I need space to clear my head. She needs time to talk to her family and for them to listen without me being the elephant in the room.
It’s close to midnight now. I’ve watched Moon’s brother and sister come and go from the house, the lights turn off and the rest of them go to bed hours ago. The moon is full in the dark sky. The stars are hard to see with the city lights, but I know that all my favorite stories are still written there.
I can’t sleep with my mind running over and over all the things from today that broke open old scars. Memories from my past haunting me still. My nightmares that won’t stay away but find their way back again and again.
As much as I want to defend myself with Moon’s family, I don’t have that right. I may have been a kid when it started, but I grew into a teenager and adult through the years. I knew the vile things my father was doing. Even if I didn’t participate, I still knew and didn’t do anything to stop it. At least not enough. Never enough. I have to live with that burden, that remorse and regret, that guilt for the rest of my life.
But I was a child.
I was hurt and threatened. I was starved, beaten, locked up, and used right along with all the rest.
I came from a monster. I was raised by a monster. I listened to a monster. Because I was afraid of a monster.
Does that make me a monster, too?
Probably.
A light flicks on from the house and catches my eye. Then I see her standing by the window. I’d know her shadow, her silhouette, from the bright moon anywhere. I smile at her figure from my place in the car. But then I see her body shake, and I know she’s crying. I can read her body language better than a book.
I run to get to her. Trying the front door, it’s locked. I try the back door and the same thing. I move to stand under her window and yell her name. It takes several tries, but she opens the window finally.
“Endy?”
“Yeah, Moon, it’s me. Why are you crying?”
“I thought you left me.”
“Never. Never again.”
“Can we leave, Endy? I need to get away from them.”
“Things will be alright in time. We’ll figure it out in the morning.”
“No, it won’t. But I don’t need them. Only you.”
Not wanting to continue this conversation this way, I ask her to unlock the door so we can talk inside.
“I can’t. They locked me in.”
“I know the house is locked. I can’t get inside. I need you to unlock it for me.”
“No, Endy. They locked me in my room. I can’t get out.”
Rage. That’s all I feel.
I kick down the back door and make my way up to her room, kicking it in just as easily once I’m sure she’s out of the way. By the time Moon and I are hand in hand among the splintered wood, her parents emerge from their bedroom.
“What in the hell are you doing?” Mrs. George roars, trying to reach Moon, but I push her behind me to shield her.
“You. How could you lock her in here?”
“It was for her own safety.”
“You hurt her more by doing that than anything else. She was held captive, locked up for nine years, and you think you’re keeping her safe by doing the same thing to her?”
“She would have done—”
“Nothing,” I cut her off. “Moon wouldn’t have done anything to you. She wouldn’t hurt a fly. Because she’s good and pure. She’s a goddess among mere mortals. If I’m a monster, then I’ll gladly sleep under her bed to keep her safe from other monsters like you.”
I grip Moon’s hand tighter in mine and pull her with me down the steps to get away. Her parents are yelling after us, but I don’t stop. I keep moving until we reach the car. Pausing in the street, I stop and look at her, cupping her face in my hands.
“Are you alright?” I ask, taking her in.
“I am now.” She smiles at me through tears.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I kiss her soft and sweet. I pull apart from her when I hear her father clear his throat.
“Please take care of her,” he says. I think he means well by his daughter. He seems as broken as the rest of us.
“Mr. George, I meant what I said. I’d die for her. I’d do anything to protect her, even if it meant leaving her alone.”
“I believe you.”
I give him a nod and open the passenger door to help Moon inside. She gives him a weak goodbye, and once I’m behind the wheel, we drive away into the night.
“Tell me a story,” Moon says after we drive in silence for a while.
I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it before I start.
“Have you heard of Medusa?” I ask her as we drive down the deserted road.
“She was the one with snakes for hair, right?”
“Yes, but before she had the snake hair she was very beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that many were jealous of her. Athena, the goddess of wisdom, handicraft, and warfare, witnessed Poseidon rape Medusa in her temple. Enraged, Athena turned Medusa’s hair to snakes and turned her face so ugly that whenever someone looked at her, they would turn to stone. Many tried to defeat Medusa, but each one suffered that horrible fate. Perseus was then sent in to behead Medusa. His sister, Athena, gave him a shield that was shiny like a mirror, and when Medusa saw her reflection, he was able to behead her. But what he didn’t know at the time was that Medusa was pregnant with Poseidon’s child. When Perseus beheaded Medusa, a beautiful winged horse sprang from her. That winged horse was named Pegasus. Once Pegasus was born, he flew away, and with the strike of his hoof to the ground, it opened a spring. Pegasus means ‘the horse’s fountain.’ It was said that whoever drank from his fountain would be blessed with the gift of poetry.”
“Are any of them stars now?”
“Pegasus is. He's sitting next to Andromeda actually.”
“I kind of feel bad for Medusa. She didn
’t do anything wrong. She couldn’t help that she was beautiful and was punished for someone else’s evil. That’s not fair.”
“Or maybe it was done to protect her from that happening to her again.”
“But it left her alone. She didn’t get to decide that.”
“We all have choices in life, Moon. We all get dealt different hands. Some are better than others, but we each have the power to make our life into whatever we choose. Sure, different circumstances can sway certain things, but really, it's us who decide. You were like Medusa. So beautiful that Zeus wanted you, kept you, used you for years. But you haven’t let it ruin you.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“I know it’s not. I live with my own decisions. Some I made, and some I didn’t have a choice in.”
“I fight to keep the darkness away every day. Each night when I close my eyes, I don’t know if it will take over or not. I don’t know if evil will win, and I hate the nights when it does. Monsters swirl in my head, evil tries to wreck through my body, but I fight. I fight because I don’t want it to win anymore.”
“I bring darkness,” I whisper.
“Endy, you bring the light. That’s how I knew I could trust you from that very first day. Your eyes are like the sky, bright blue.”
“And yours are bright like the moon, lighting up the night sky.”
“We’re night and day, but both bright in our own ways. We give each other the light we need to fight our way through the darkness that surrounds us.”
“I’m a monster in love with a goddess.”
“You aren’t a monster, Endy, but I’m not a goddess, either. I’m just a girl. A girl that’s broken and in love with a boy who’s just as broken as her. Our broken pieces fit together and make us a whole.”
She leans her head against my shoulder, and by the time I park outside her apartment, she’s asleep. The sun is just beginning to rise, shining light on a new day. I kiss her head, taking a moment to appreciate her like this.
She stirs when I pull her in my arms from the car. The smell of freshly baked bread fills the air from the bakery under her apartment. “This is my favorite time of day,” she mumbles against my chest. “Watching the sunrise and having the warmth of the bakery surround me. Can we sit for a minute and watch the sunrise before we go inside?”
I don’t answer her but sit her on the step in front of me with her leaning back between my legs. Our fingers entwine on my knees as we sit in silence and watch the sun take away our darkness.
“I need to leave soon. I have to get back to work,” I say into the new morning.
“I know,” she replies sadly, breaking me into pieces.
“I’ll be back. It’s not me leaving you.”
“I know that, too,” she whispers, nuzzling into me more.
16
Moon
Little bird fly away
Find a way to stay away
I see you hurt and broken
You were sleeping but now you're woken
“Come inside, let’s get some sleep,” I say after we watch the sunrise. Standing and taking his hand in mine, I pull him up to join me. He nods, looking grim, and follows me inside.
We’re silent as we both undress and take turns in the shower. When Endy enters the bedroom, he still has water droplets on his skin. I watch one skate down his chest from his shoulder and disappear down the V of his hips where the towel is tied at his waist. I feel his searing eyes watching me. Our tether tightens, and I move to my knees on the bed to meet him where he stands. My fingers itch to trace the planes of his skin.
“I want you so fucking bad right now,” he rasps, his eyes taking in my thin cami where my nipples are pebbled and ready for him. The only other thing I’m wearing is lace panties. I may or may not have meant to taunt him with my barely-there sleepwear.
“Do your worst,” I whisper, licking my lips with a smirk.
“Don’t tell me that,” he says, letting out a whoosh of air. He runs his hand down his bearded face, and I see the conflict in his eyes as he looks me up and down.
“I’m tired of everyone treating me like I’m going to break. I want you to have me the way you’d have anyone else.”
“You aren’t like anyone else. You never could be.”
I scoot closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing into him. He groans and closes his eyes. “I trust you. Please, it’s just us.”
He opens his eyes with a grin playing on his lips, running his fingers up and down my arms. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Just us,” he whispers against my lips before he kisses me.
It’s soft at first but gets deeper, harder, more passionate, our tongues at war, wet and sloppy, but perfect. I want him to let go, and it feels like he finally is. All this time I kept feeling like he was holding back, and I want him to be his true self with me, just like I’m my true self with him.
I begin to fully let myself go, but then he stops and pulls away. A pained look in his eyes rips at my heart. I don’t want him to stop. I don’t want him to hold back. I want it all. “Don’t stop,” I plead. “Please, Endy. I just want you. The real you.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he grits.
“Stop saying that!” I yell and hit his chest. “You didn’t hurt me. He did!” I feel tears sting in my eyes and will them not to fall. “You aren’t him!”
“I never want to be the one that brings back your nightmares or adds new ones. I have a monster lurking in me, Moon, and it scares the shit out of me. I never want to scare you or hurt you. No matter what you say, there’s always the possibility of that. You know why I have this beard? It’s because I look just fucking like him, and I hate it. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror because I see the monster that stars in my nightmares. What if one day you wake up and realize you’re lying next to yours, too?”
“Stop,” I say, feeling defeated because he’s right. I can’t promise that won’t happen. “I don’t see him. I see you when I look into your sky-blue eyes. I see everything good. But I need you to stop acting like I’m still an innocent child. I’m a grown woman. Sure, I lived through some really shitty things, but I’m here. I’m not going to break. I’m asking you to treat me like a woman who wants the man in front of her. I want you. I want you to have me in all the ways you desire because I’m sure I want you the same way. Not everything in my mind is pure like you may think. I have darkness looming with my own inner demon ready to come out. She’s been stifled for a long time, and now that I’m figuring out what she wants, I’m ready to let her have fun. With you. Because in the end, it’s just us. We’re the only ones that could possibly understand each other. No one else ever will. Just us, Endy. Just. Us.”
My heart is pounding in my chest so hard I can hear it in my ears. I see his jaw clench, and he lets out a breath. Then his mouth collides with mine. In a sudden shift, gone is the soft and sweet Endy, and in his place is a passionate and ready man. It’s war now, not just with our tongues, but with our whole bodies. He pulls the straps of my cami down and I free my arms, leaving it bunched around my middle as he palms my breasts. His hand goes to my hair and pulls my head back, making it sting before making it feel so good when his tongue draws a line up my throat. He kisses and sucks his way down my neck to my chest until he’s at my nipple. I pick up my head to look down at him with hooded eyes.
My hands that were in his hair move down his chest until I reach the towel that’s still around his waist and rip it away. I grip his hard shaft, pumping my fist on him several times. He lets out a primal growl, pushing me back onto the bed. A smile grows on my face, looking up at him like this. His eyes are darkened with lust. If this is his monster, then I’ll gladly let mine out to play with him.
He kneels on the bed with me, and his hot mouth hits my center through my lace and I almost fly off the bed from the anticipation of pleasure. His hands land on my hips, holding me down as he kisses me. I close my eye
s to revel in the feel of his mouth when I feel a sting and realize he’s torn my panties from my body. His tongue dives into me, making me buck into his face. Licking me up to my clit has me about ready to explode. Add in his beard rubbing against my sensitive flesh and I’m a goner. My teeth bite into my lip, keeping my screams contained as he feasts on me.
Then he stops. I look down and see him looking up my body, and our eyes collide. “If I’m letting go, then so are you,” he rasps. “I want to hear you scream my name to the moon.” He smirks before his mouth closes over me again. This time I don’t hold back, letting go my pants and moans. It doesn’t take long before I’m screaming his name.
I’ve barely stopped quaking when he turns me over onto my stomach and pulls my hips up. His cock rubs against me a few times before plunging into me. I fist the blankets under me as he pumps in and out. A crack sounds on my ass, pulling a moan from me. I push up onto my forearms then and look down to see our union between my legs. I get another smack on my ass then. I look back to see him smirk at me as he rockets in and out. It’s harsh and punishing but feels like I’m dancing with angels on the burning flames of hell. It’s good and bad and I love every part of it.
“Touch yourself, Moon. Your stars don’t hear you yet,” he growls behind me with a wicked smile. I slide my hand down my body and rub myself. I close my eyes and bite my lip, not wanting this to end. He must see because he smacks my ass again. I can’t hold back any longer as a loud moan leaves me. “Fuck, Moon. You are pure heaven.”
A few seconds later, the fuse is lit and the fire ignites through my body. “Endy!” I scream, exploding in ecstasy. With his name on my lips, Endy grunts as his own fire explodes through him. His body falls on me, and together we pant breathlessly on the bed.
“Your monster can play with me any time.” I smile into the bed. I feel his laughter vibrate against me. He leaves a soft kiss on my shoulder blade, then pulls me to my back to look down at me.
