by Lindsay Becs
“I love you,” he tells me with his eyes light and full of hope and love.
I reach up to cup his cheek and smile. “I love you, too.”
We both get back in the shower, together this time, and clean up before falling asleep curled up in one another.
My dreams are an explosion of a different kind as my mind begins to unlock memory after memory. Nightmares were prevalent, but these were different. It was as if by letting go with Endy, my mind decided it was time to let go of everything else it kept locked away.
Zeus was everywhere, touching me, kissing me, hitting me. I couldn’t get away, and I couldn’t wake up. I was stuck in a revolving door with a monster, beaten and broken. When I finally begin to wake, I thrash, not wanting to be touched by anything or anyone.
“Moon, it’s me. It’s just a dream. I’m here. It’s OK.” I hear Endy trying to soothe me and calm me down, but the more he touches me, the more I swing and hit and claw at him. “MOON!” He bellows, standing above me. My eyes fly open, panicked and wild. I find him. I find Endy in the fog of my mind. He stands there, looking worried and weathered as he grips the back of his neck. “Oh, thank God. Are you alright?”
I’m frozen and can’t move. The air feels thick, and my body is trembling uncontrollably. A tear falls down my face when Endy kneels beside the bed next to me. “Can I touch you?” he asks quietly, with pain laced in his voice. I slowly nod my head and his hand comes up to brush the tear away. “What did I do to you?” His forehead rests against mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I inhale his comforting scent of cinnamon, and instantly my heart slows and I can breathe easier.
“He was everywhere and I couldn’t get away,” I whisper. “He wouldn’t leave, Endy.” I choke on a sob.
Endy crawls back in bed with me and slowly pulls me against him, encircling my body with his. He holds me while I sob and lets me cry freely until I don’t have any tears left to cry. I turn to look at him then and see tears swimming in his own eyes. “I’m so sorry, Moon. I’m so sorry.” He closes his eyes, shutting off from me.
“It’s not you.” I kiss him softly. “I was going to remember at some point. You just fucked the memories out of me,” I try to joke.
“That’s not funny.” He leans his head against mine.
“It is a little bit.” I smile, cupping his cheek but his eyes are still closed. “Look at me.”
He opens his blues, and I melt into him even more. “You give me comfort, Endy. Not pain. You are the closest thing to home I’ve felt since I was seven years old. Don’t apologize for being here with me and loving me the way you do. You were the last piece I needed to feel whole again.”
“I feel the same way.”
“Then stop. Stop feeling sorry for me. Just love me for me, because I love you for you. It’s just us now.” I smile.
“How could I not love you?” He kisses my temple and pulls me close. My eyes close again, relaxed and comforted by him, only him.
“Endy, I don’t want you to leave,” I confess in his arms.
“Me either. But I have to get back to work, unfortunately,” he sighs. “But maybe it’ll be good. We both need time to sort through everything that’s happened.”
“What do you mean?” I turn to look at him, feeling worried.
“Hey, relax,” he chuckles. “I’ll be back in a couple weeks. But I think you need time away from me. There’s so much your mind wants you to remember. Honestly, me too. It’s all been good, but it’s a lot.”
“I see Dr. Greer tomorrow. I’m kind of scared about what she’s going to say.”
“But that’s alright. You said she’s fair and a friend as well as your therapist. You need to be honest, and as much as I want to have you, she’ll probably agree that we need to go slow and space is good.”
“I don’t like that,” I grumble.
“Me either. But when I come back, maybe I’ll see her with you.”
“Really? You’d go with me?”
“I’m sure my crazy-ass mind could use some therapy, too.” He smiles, kissing my nose.
Endy and I lie in bed the rest of the day talking about our lives. He tells me about his trucking and how he faked his license. About the long days on the road and how most of the time he enjoys it, but he gets lonely. His life is simple, but it’s his, away from his past, and I envy that.
I tell him about my life in the group home, Tara, my family. My family is a topic that seems to upset him, so I don’t talk about them much. I get his frustration with them. I have it, too. They still treat me like I’m a fragile child rather than an adult. I try to convince him that they mean well in their own way. They just don’t understand. I tell him about my job here and how my simple life was good but boring. How until he came into my life I had the same routine every week.
I’ve enjoyed the change since Endy came back into my life. Am I going to go back to my same routine once he’s gone? I don’t see how I could. But I don’t know how to do anything different without his help. Maybe I’d ask Tara. She lives a much more adventurous life than I do.
“Why does it feel like I won’t see you again?” I ask, fighting back tears.
“I don’t know because I plan on coming back as soon as possible.” He places a kiss on my nose. “I can’t stay away from you, Moon. Ever.”
“I promise on the moon and stars, me either.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
With tear-filled eyes, I kiss him and hold on to him until I have to let him go. When he drives away, I feel the light leave me. Endy is the light of my darkness. There is no life worth having without him. He is the bright blue of the day sky, the light of day that bathes me in warmth. Without him, I am left feeling cold and alone in the dark.
17
Endy
Gutted. Empty. Hollow.
That’s how I felt driving away from Moon. I already missed her, and I was only a couple blocks from where I left her. I wanted nothing more than to bring her with me, but I knew that wasn’t what was best for her. After everything, there was no way I could be selfish with her any more than I already had been. I don’t doubt her love for me or even her need to have me near because I feel the same way. But I was certain that soon she’d be hit with the reality of everything she remembered. She needed space from me to work through all of it. She needed Dr. Greer, she needed a friend she could trust, and maybe she even needed her family. I’d be there if she needed me too, but she needed space from me, the constant reminder of the past—the son of the monster who was invading her thoughts now.
Waking to her thrashing in bed was a confirmation to the reality of everything she survived. Her eyes were wide and wild and so vacant. It was frightening how lost she seemed, having no idea what was reality and what was a dream—or nightmare in her case. I might not have been the one in that fucking room with her all those years ago, but I sure as hell was in those nightmares with her. I wanted to punch myself in the face for bringing it all back.
I was glad when she remembered me, but I never took into account that when her memories came back, she’d be reliving every second of hell. Sure, I knew she’d remember, but I never wanted her to feel like she was physically back there. The fact that by me being rough with her did that, it makes me sick.
By the time my plane lands and I power my phone back on, I see I have a text from her. It makes me smile, but then I feel pained. She shouldn’t want me, love me, like she does. Once I’m in my car, I open the text.
Moon: I miss you already
I let out a breath of air before responding.
Me: I miss you too. I have to work starting first thing in the morning. I might not have service. Don’t panic if you don’t hear from me. OK?
I rub my brow, feeling like an ass and even worse than I felt when I left her crying. I just… I need time. And so does she. We might have both survived hell, but we’re both very much still singed from the flames.
Moon: OK
Me: It’s not me leaving you
I can’t help but reassure her. As much as I know I need to push her away, I hate hurting her more. I really am a monster. One she needs to keep distance from.
Moon: I know
Me: I’ll talk to you when I can
Moon: To the moon and stars
I rub my chest, feeling the hurt there from not being with her and pushing her away.
Me: I love you Moon
Powering it back off, I throw my phone on the passenger seat before banging my head on my steering wheel.
I hate myself so fucking much right now.
18
Moon
Be strong, my love, you have to fight
Take courage and begin your flight
Sweet sun will find your face
Pick up your broken pieces and race
When Endy left I ran to see Tara, crumpling in her arms and sobbing. I couldn’t explain how I felt. It was like my heart literally left my body with Endy, leaving me hollow without him. I missed him before he was even out of sight. I sat in his booth while Tara finished her shift and then walked arm in arm with her back to my apartment. She told me to take a shower, and when I did, she ran to the corner store and brought back ice cream, frozen pizza, and wine. It only made me cry again. She rolled her eyes at me before we both started laughing.
Once we were buzzed on junk food and cheap wine, I started talking. I told her about the last days with Endy, my parents, my memories, everything. She stayed surprisingly quiet and listened, but once I stopped talking, she started.
“Sel, are you sure this is a good thing? I mean, how do you know he isn’t like his dad?”
Had she not been listening to me? He was the only good thing I had, besides her. The two of them were the only ones who understood me, or at least I thought that they did.
“Fuck you!” I yelled at her, standing to clean up the mess of food on the floor.
“Whoa!” She said standing with her hand out in surrender. “I’ve never heard you cuss like that. I’m sorry. I’m just asking, not judging.”
“It sure sounds like judging and I get enough of that from everyone else. I don’t need it from you too.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I’ve seen you at rock bottom. You ain’t pretty there.” She smiles and nudges my shoulder.
“You aren’t either, you know.”
“Shut your face! I’m gorgeous on the bottom or on top.” She gives me duck lips and I can’t help but laugh at her.
We hugged it out and when she left I took a deep breath to relax. I wasn’t sleeping anytime soon, so I decided on a run to clear my head.
I had ignored the calls from Dr. Greer after I missed our appointment today. Opting to take time to be a girl venting with her friend over a broken heart for the first time in my life. Now, I was facing a lot of things that I wasn’t prepared for. Is this what being an adult really is? Maybe being normal isn’t what I want after all.
I ran for hours, late into the night. When my legs began to give out and sweat had drenched my hair and clothes, I stopped. Taking a minute to catch my breath I bent over with my hands on my knees and tried to calm my breaths and heart.
I stood and tilted my head back and stared into the sky then. The moon shining with the stars twinkling with her. “To the moon and stars,” I whispered in the silence of the night. It felt final. He said he wasn’t leaving me, but it felt like a goodbye. Everything hurt then. My body from exerting it, my heart from Endy leaving, my head with everything invading it. And I was tired. I didn’t have anything left to give. I slowly walked back home and collapsed on my bed.
Now here I am, the next morning, waking with a pounding headache. I shower and take something to rid the pain before calling Dr. Greer back. She wasn’t happy with me at all. I promised I’d see her today after work if she had time. She assured me that she’d make time.
I walk to Pot Meet Kettle and feel like a zombie throughout the day. I’m on autopilot. Then I realize that this has been my life since I was found. Every day was the same, very little changing from one day to the next.
Until Endy. He stirred up my life. He woke me up in so many ways, and I wasn’t about to go back to sleep.
I walk into Dr. Greer’s office with a new purpose. I’m going to tell her everything. Truth be damned.
“Well, it seems like you’ve been busy then,” she says with a straight face after I explain everything I had remembered in a nutshell. She lifted an accusing eyebrow when I had gotten to the truth of who Endy was and what had happened when he was here. Other than that one eyebrow lift, I can’t read her. I don’t know if she’s mad, going to call the cops to arrest him, lock me up in the looney bin again, or tattle on me to my parents. I have no idea. I’m scared yet feel relieved after being honest.
I bite my lip, nodding at her. “I’m sorry I wasn’t completely honest about who he was.”
“Is that all you’re sorry for?”
Is it? I take a second to think about that. That’s when it hits me. I’m not upset about any of it. Not even the return of my terrible memories. “I think so,” I say slowly.
“Selene, you have lived a life no one but you has. You survived and are a strong woman. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come.”
“But…” I add, knowing this isn’t going to end well.
“But. Endy, as you call him, he needs to be honest, too. Is he honest with you?”
“I think so. I don’t feel like he’s holding back on me if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“You know I’m legally required to report him, right?”
My eyes go wide. I thought I could trust her not to, but maybe I was wrong. “You can’t! He didn’t do anything wrong!”
“That may be true. And if it is, the police will determine that and you have nothing to fear.”
“What did I do?” I say to myself, as tears fill my eyes.
She leans forward to take my hand, but I snatch it back. “Selene, look at me, please.” I fight it but finally look up. “Do you believe we all have consequences for our actions?” I nod with a tight jaw. “Then you understand the importance of him telling his truth. He needs to see a therapist, too. He needs help, and I don’t see him finding it without a push, do you?” I shake my head, looking down again with guilt. “The only way I see this relationship working is if you are both at the healthiest place you can be. He may seem fine on the outside, but I’m willing to bet he has a lot of unresolved things going on inside of him.” She relaxes then, and we sit in silence for a while before she speaks up again. “Would you like to call him to see if he’ll come in on his own? I can wait to call the authorities.”
“How can I do that? How do I call him and tell him I’m the reason he’s about to be arrested for the terrible crimes his father committed?” I ask. With tears falling I add, “He’ll hate me.”
“Or he’ll thank you for freeing his demons.”
I shakily pull my phone out of my purse and press on his name. The phone rings and rings, and when I think voicemail is going to pick up, he shatters me with one word.
“Moon?”
1 Year Later
I was on the struggle bus of guilt for a while after calling Endy that day in Dr. Greer’s office. He was flown back to the town that housed the woods of terror five days later with FBI agents. He had to show them where bodies were buried, where evidence was hidden, and point out anything else that would be helpful to the authorities.
I was asked to meet an agent myself and tell them what I remembered. And about Endy.
After Endy went back with the authorities, lots of new evidence was discovered that was missed all those years ago after I was freed. He held the final key to the last of the secrets hiding there. Families that still held hope of their children being found one day were notified that they were forever gone. The biggest thing was that Endy told them about all the sites that were used for the trafficking of children and child pornography. The FBI was abl
e to find several other slave homes and save lots of children that were living like I had for years.
The past year has been filled with heartbreak, but also so many positive things, too. I’ve been able to be a part of a support group for the kids found. Once a month I get to meet at a group home with them. Not everyone has a happy ending, but those that do amaze me every day. I find such encouragement and strength from them. Those weekends are my favorite.
As far as Endy… Well, I haven’t spoken to him since the day I called him and destroyed the world he’d built for himself. He was found innocent and as much a victim as every other child found on the compound. After the case was reopened and closed again three months later, he stayed on the east coast. That was all I could get out of Dr. Greer at least. She’s a stickler for patient privacy. But I knew that he was OK, and that was all I really cared about.
I wished I could have been with him when he had to go back to the scene of our nightmares, except no one would let me and he wasn’t allowed phone calls. I wrote him letters though. I wrote him every week telling him I was sorry. I never heard back from him, but I guess I never really thought I would. It still hurts all the same. My chest still feels hollow without my heart.
After more came out about what I’d endured, my parents had their own guilt to sift through. I still don’t have a great relationship with them, but they understand me a little more, I guess.
I’m feeling good though. I don’t feel scared anymore. I feel strong, like I could anything now.
I walk into my apartment after a busy day at Pot Meet Kettle. I flop down on my couch and sort through my mail, stopping when I see a hand-addressed envelope. My hands shake as I tear it open, and my heart starts pounding in my chest.
