Girl on Geek: A Lesbian Romance

by Mia Archer

  I also have to admit to feeling a sense of smug satisfaction as I listened to the guy screaming. I knew the answer to his question. I knew it in the most intimate way possible. In a way he’d never know.

  Of course all those guys were nothing compared to her. Carrie. She was still up there doing introductions and she was still staring daggers at me and had been staring with barely concealed worship at Kaitlyn. She was sitting back on the stage, the same stage where Kaitlyn delivered the opening keynote, and she was staring at her the entire time with a blissful expression on her face. Except for one brief diversion. One moment where her eyes swept out across the crowd and she noticed me sitting near the front. Then that blissful expression turned to a glare.

  Even more interesting was how Carrie reacted to those guys asking their stupid questions, particularly the last guy with the bra size question. She reacted in much the same way that I was. With a possessiveness that made me want to jump up on stage and scratch her eyes out along with the guy who was being carried out by security screaming at the top of his lungs.

  Yeah, that was just a little weird. It had me wondering what the hell her problem was if the story Kaitlyn told me was true. That had me wondering exactly how true the story Kaitlyn told me actually was.

  Seeing all these guys throwing themselves at her was unsettling. Once again it brought up some of those doubts I’d been feeling since I found out who she actually was. Sure there was just your run-of-the-mill jealousy that there were other people trying to move in on my territory even they didn't have a chance due to her orientation, but the fact that it was guys hitting on her was more telling than anything. It was guys who thought they had a chance because she'd never made it known that she was interested in girls. Once more I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff when it came to my own sexuality, ready to jump off, but Kaitlyn seemed terrified of jumping with me.

  What sort of future did we really have if she was too afraid to tell the world the truth about who she was?

  No. I wasn't doing this. I wasn’t listening to my worst-case scenario brain. I was even going to ignore Carrie and the crazy she was bringing to the proceedings. I was going to enjoy the Q&A and laugh at all of those guys who couldn’t have what I’d already had. What I hoped to have again later tonight!

  Of course that didn’t stop me from asking a few questions when we got out of that Q&A session.

  “So that was interesting,” I said.

  “Was it?”

  “Those guys who asked you to say their name? What about the one who asked about your bra size?”

  I was incredulous. I couldn’t believe it. She shrugged as though it was no big deal. As though nothing all that odd had happened. Could she really be that oblivious? Or was that actually normal for her? I’m not sure which prospect was more terrifying.

  “All that?” she said. “That sort of thing happens at all of those Q&A sessions. It’s just something I’ve learned to tune out over the past couple of years.”

  I stopped in the middle of the tunnel and stared. My mouth must’ve been hanging open because a look of concern flashed across her face when she finally realized I wasn’t walking next to her anymore and she turned to see where I’d disappeared to.

  “You can’t really be that nonchalant about that?”

  A sympathetic smile crossed her face and she stepped forward to wrap her arms around me. I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent as I enjoyed the feel of her arms surrounding me. I felt so safe, so secure, every time she did that. Every time she wrapped her arms around me it was as though all my insecurities were washed away.

  For a moment. Never mind that they’d probably come crashing back in full force once she no longer had her arms around me. I was going to enjoy the moment.

  “I’m so sorry Amber,” she said. “That really was throwing you into the deep end. I’ve been dealing with this for so long that I forget it’s all brand-new to you. I hit it big when I was about your age and I’ve had a decade to get used to the crazy. I can’t imagine how that must’ve looked to you.”

  I looked up at her and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Damn it. I was not going to do this. I was not going to lose control. I was not the jealous type!

  And yet here I was, definitely feeling just a little bit jealous. Maybe more because it was guys hitting on her than anything else, for the aforementioned reasons. Was it a little crazy? A little unfair to expect she'd make such a major life change just for me? Maybe, but who said love had to be rational? Not being entirely rational might explain what I said next.

  "I noticed it was all guys hitting on you. No girls," I said.

  "What does that have to do with anything? I figured you'd be happier about that. It's not like they have a chance!"

  "That's the thing. They think they have a chance. The world thinks they have a chance," I said, my voice trailing off at that last part.

  Kaitlyn leaned back against one of the walls and let out a sigh. She closed her eyes and for a moment I thought I'd really fucked up. She opened them and locked eyes with me.

  "So this is about me not being entirely out?"

  I shrugged. "Maybe? I've never felt like this about a girl and it's just such a huge leap and it feels like I'm lying to myself and the world if you're saying all these things about me but you're not willing to tell anyone who I am."

  Kaitlyn held out a hand but I pushed it away. I wiped a tear from my eye. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being ridiculous.”

  “No, not at all,” she said. "I've had my reasons for keeping this part of me quiet. You're talking about risking a change in how you see yourself, but I feel like I'm risking so much more. I just have to remember that you’re not used to this life. Not yet.”

  That sent a thrill. Yet? That implied there was a future to this. Only at this point I didn’t dare hope for something like that. Especially with her talking about being afraid to be who she was in this day and age. Sure I wasn't exactly too up on the whole LGBT culture but my understanding was things were a hell of a lot easier now than they once were. Still, that wasn't my call. We’d only just met. Sure we seemed to have really clicked, but I wasn’t going to hope. Hoping meant the crash would be that much more painful when it eventually came, and if she wasn't willing to go public then was there really a future?

  I just didn't know. Focus on the convention. On the here and now.

  “No,” I said. “I have no right to act like this. It’s not like we’re actually dating or something…”

  Kaitlyn's hand moved out and cupped my cheeks. I felt like I was on fire where her hand made contact with my body. Her thumb stroked my cheek and I felt another thrill run through me. It seemed like life was one thrill after another when I was near her.

  “Aren’t we?”

  “Are we?”

  “I know where I am on that Amber,” she said. “I flew you across the country so I could see you. I just had one of the most intense experiences of my life with you in that hotel suite. You’re the one who calls that particular shot though.”

  I tried to smile, but it was difficult.

  "I just don't know. Not with..."

  Kaitlyn opened her mouth and it looked like she was about to launch into another justification so I decided it was my turn to do a judicious changing of the subject that she seemed to be so fond of. I certainly knew how I thought I felt about her, but I didn’t want to say it. Not this soon. Not when we’d only really met one another for real for the first time earlier today. Not when she didn't seem willing to admit who she was, and by extension who we were, to the world. Giving voice to what I felt seemed stupid, headstrong, given the circumstances.

  “We’re going to be late to your next event if we don’t get a move on,” I said.

  Kaitlyn blinked and despite the gravity of what we'd just been talking about I resisted the urge to giggle at the look on her face. Let her enjoy a taste of her own medicine. Let her feel the frustration of somebody changing the subject when important quest
ions were being asked. I could prove to her that she wasn’t the only person in this relationship to have a little bit of frustrating mystery.

  Relationship? Was that how I was starting to think of this? I guess if I was completely honest with myself that’s what I was hoping was happening here, though I was still reluctant to call it that given what we'd just discussed and that major stumbling block that seemed to be in the way. Besides, there was something inside me that was saying I’d ruin everything if I went ahead and said it prematurely.

  She looked at me for a long moment and then sighed. Reached out and took my hand which excited me and sent goose bumps running all over my body despite the semi-argument we'd just had. “I suppose you’re right, we’d better get a move on.”

  The next meeting was less eventful than the Q&A. It was a meeting with her publishers which was interesting because they were talking about the next book, or rather how the next book had failed to materialize after two years.

  After a little shouting at the beginning it quickly devolved into talk of sales figures and how much money everybody in the room was making which really didn’t interest me at all. I got a few glances when I trailed in behind Kaitlyn, but after that everybody pretty much took it as a matter of course that she’d bring a random girl along with her to one of these meetings.

  I knew I was being ridiculous, I knew I was reading too much into their reaction, but I couldn’t help but worry at their nonchalance about me showing up to that meeting. Were they acting so nonchalant because Kaitlyn Morgan was the one who brought me, the big boss who controlled all the purse strings, and there wasn’t anything they could say about it one way or another?

  Or were they acting so nonchalant about a girl showing up to that meeting because that was the sort of thing she did at every convention? Was I just the latest piece she’d brought to parade in front of them before she whisked me away to do more of this Cinderella at the ball routine to dazzle me into letting her into my pants?

  Damn it! Why did I keep thinking like this? Why did I keep letting these thoughts intrude?

  Thankfully that meeting was a fast one because it was ridiculously boring. I got a couple of glares when I pulled out my phone as though I was some sort of corporate spy using my feminine wiles to get secrets out of them, so I eventually put it away and sat in bored silence.

  Mostly I was relieved that the meeting was over quickly because that meant I wasn’t alone with my traitorous brain for very long. I could concentrate on how nice it felt to have her arm wrapped around mine. I could concentrate on how nice it was just being with her after so much time getting to know one another online. I could avoid thoughts of where this was going, what she could possibly want with me, and why if she was as interested as she seemed to be she wasn't willing to admit a truth that had apparently been true for quite a long time.

  After that first argument I wasn't going to scratch that particular itch anymore. Besides, we'd only actually known each other in person for a day. It seemed way too early to be laying down ultimatums about that sort of life choice even if it did leave me feeling hellaciously uncertain about any sort of long-term prospects we might have.

  I glanced at my phone after we got out of that meeting and was surprised to realize it was getting pretty late in the day. I looked up to Kaitlyn. “So are we getting close to the end of the schedule? Maybe getting close to going back to the hotel room?”

  “Just one more thing today,” she said. “We have the opening day banquet in the convention center. I have to give a speech and then we’re done. You do get a free meal out of it though.”

  My stomach rumbled at the mention of food. We’d been going full tilt all day and I hadn’t even had a chance to grab a quick snack while we were moving around the convention center.

  “Free food sounds good,” I said. “Is it anywhere near as nice or as expensive as lunch?”

  Kaitlyn chuckled and shook her head. “I’m afraid not. It’s your typical hotel catering stuff. Twenty bucks of cafeteria quality food that the hotel charges fifty bucks a plate for because they can.”

  My stomach growled again. “Whatever. At this point I’d be willing to hunt down a cow and kill it with my bare hands if it meant getting a steak.”

  Kaitlyn giggled again as we emerged from the tunnels under the convention center into a massive room set up like a banquet hall.

  “You might have to hunt down that cow. I don’t think steak is even on the menu. That would cost extra and for some reason the bean counters think scrimping in years when I haven't produced a book is somehow going to magically make it appear,” Kaitlyn said.

  “Whatever. Where do we sit?”

  “There’s a table right near the front. It’s mostly people from the publishing company and a couple of high level volunteers who’ve been helping out. But I made sure they got you a seat front and center right next to me.”

  I smiled. “Sounds good to me.”

  So I found myself sitting at a wide round table right in front of the stage where Kaitlyn was supposed to give her big speech. She made sure I was situated and then she disappeared to get ready.

  Despite the roller coaster ride that was today, despite how overwhelming it all was, and most definitely despite how I’d had that little breakdown under the convention center just now, I was feeling pretty good about myself. The day was actually ending on a high note. Aside from my breakdown and the occasional bout of crippling insecurity there’d been no major disasters and I was actually feeling pretty damn good about myself and how things were going with Kaitlyn.

  Those good feelings lasted right up until the moment I felt rather than saw somebody sidling into the empty chair next to me. I turned and my heart nearly stopped.

  It was her. Carrie. The last person in the world I wanted to see up close and personal. The last person in the world I wanted to talk to on any day of the week, but never more so than on this day in particular.

  And rather than glaring at me like earlier when she was on stage she was smiling. A smile that definitely didn’t reach her eyes. That was a smile that I knew from class, and it usually only came out when she was about to rip into me for some reason. I was immediately on guard.

  What the fuck was she up to?

  18: Insecurities

  Okay. Stay cool. She was sitting right next to me. She was looking at me and obviously I wasn't going to be able to keep avoiding talking to her.

  “Hi,” I said.

  That smile grew even wider. “Hi yourself.”

  “I didn't expect to see you here given your... opinions on this sort of work,” I said.

  She looked me up and down and some of that hostility was back in that look. What the hell was her problem that she kept looking at me like that?

  “Yeah? Well you're the last person I expected to see here hanging on Kaitlyn Morgan's arm as her new piece on the side,” she replied.

  I blinked. Okay. So that was kind of rude. No, that was more than rude. What the hell was her problem? But I didn’t want to make a scene. I definitely didn't want a repeat of the angry screaming that happened in class a few weeks back which, now that I thought of it, had sort of also been the day my romance with Kaitlyn started in earnest.

  I especially didn't want to make a scene since we had a table full of convention volunteers and people from the publishing company sitting around us. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass Kaitlyn in front of the people she worked with. To get a reputation as the crazy girl she was dating or something. Not that any of them knew she was dating me, which was still sour grapes even if I decided to keep my mouth shut about it. So I kept my voice down.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Carrie looked me up and down again and a look of sympathy crossed her face. Only I didn’t believe it for a moment. Just like with the smile on her face earlier that sympathy never quite reached her eyes. She looked decidedly insincere. I was starting to wonder if this girl had the capacity for genuine emotion. My hackles were c
ertainly raised. I was starting to feel the same as earlier when jealousy got the better of me and I nearly launched myself across a convention hall to claw at one of those crazy guys.

  “Oh honey,” she said, her voice dripping with false sympathy. Though there was a twinkle in her eye that said she was enjoying this. “Everyone who volunteers for these conventions knows all about the girls she brings to these things.”

  Her eyes seemed to harden at that last bit, but I wasn't paying much attention to her expression. No, I felt a chill run through my body. I felt as though I’d been punched in the gut. On the one hand I didn’t trust her any further than I could throw her, and even though she was pretty petite I wasn’t nearly strong enough to toss her very far let me tell you.

  Only what she’d just said hit too close to home. It was too close to all the worries, all the insecurities that had been running through my head ever since I first discovered who my mysterious online stranger really was. All the worries I had about why she’d ever be interested in a girl like me came crashing down around me at this girl's words. I definitely didn't like her, I definitely didn't trust her, but that didn't mean there couldn't be some truth to what she was telling me. Especially when what she was saying jived so closely with all the worries that had been running through my head to begin with.

  A wide grin split her face as a sickly expression crossed my own face. A predatory grin that was the first genuine emotion I’d seen from her since she sat down. I felt like she could see the mix of insecurities and worries running through my head. Taking over. Making me short of breath as I spiraled dangerously close to a full-blown panic attack.

  “You’re lying,” I said. "You're a bitch to me in class and you're a bitch now. I don't believe a word you're saying."

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” an announcer said up on stage. Not Carrie for a change. I wondered if that was because she was taking a break or if she specifically took off from an event so she could find me. “Kaitlyn Morgan!”